Chapter Eight
The crying wouldn’t stop.
Clara lay wide-eyed in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. Today had been terrible enough without her night also being ruined.
She rolled over, dragging the pillow over her head. She had no idea what time it was, but the blackness of the room suggested it was late. Late enough that she should be in a sound sleep. She’d been trying to count sheep while Hunter screamed his little head off.
Walker can handle it. He doesn’t like me checking in at night.
In fact, he didn’t seem to like much about her today. They’d been stilted with each other in a way they’d never been before. Everything had been superficial and polite when what she’d really wanted to ask was why he’d kissed her.
What a kiss…
It had been all she could think of last night. She’d come downstairs excited to see what came next for them only to realize the answer was nothing. They’d gone from one fiery embrace right back to being the perfect platonic friends they always had been.
And she hated it.
Could you really stand to be his casual squeeze? her mind mocked. You dodged a bullet. Take the save and move on.
She was trying. Except now it seemed Hunter was also upset with his whole world. There was no end to the crying in sight.
What frustrated her the most was this, at least, was a problem she could solve. She knew how to handle babies, and wasn’t that why she was here in the first place? To lend a helping hand when he needed it? It’s not like she was going to get any sleep as it was.
Tossing back the covers, she grabbed her short black robe and tossed it over the tank top and plaid pajama bottoms she’d worn to bed.
It was a short walk down the white hallway to Walker’s room. Eying the walls, she couldn’t help a grin as she pictured a toddler-aged Hunter destroying them with scribbles and handprints. Nothing in Walker’s life would ever be calm and pristine again.
Reaching the door, she opened it without knocking to see Walker pacing the bedroom.
“Trust me, little guy, you don’t want me singing you to sleep,” he said, bouncing the baby in his arms.
“I second that,” she replied, coming into the room.
Defeat bowed his shoulders when he saw her. “He woke you, didn’t he?”
“He’s a baby. That’s what they do. It’s hardwired into their DNA to be as disruptive to sleep as possible.”
“Dammit. Look, I’ll take him downstairs and you can get some rest.”
“That’s not why I’m here.” Crossing to his side she held out her arms.
“You shouldn’t have to do this,” he said, not handing over Hunter.
She arched a brow. “You practically begged me to move in for just this reason.”
“To support us, not to be a live-in nanny.” His eyes brightened. “Maybe Emily would consider staying over a few nights a week while we’re getting up and running.”
Her arms dropped as she took a step back. He wanted Emily here instead of her? He was wishing for another woman when she stood in front of him ready to be what he needed? Her heart plummeted to her toes. Glancing away from him, she forced out the words she knew she needed to ask. Maybe this was his way of asking for an out after their kiss.
“Are you telling me to leave?” The words were soft and brittle. She wrapped her empty arms around herself for comfort as she waited on his answer.
“What?” Shock crossed his features.
“If you have Emily full time, what do you need me for?”
He stopped bouncing Hunter, which only made him wail louder. Reaching out, he cupped her cheek with one hand. “I always need you,” he murmured.
The pain thrumming within her dialed back a touch.
“But you won’t let me help you.”
“Because this is the stuff I’m supposed to learn how to do myself. You shouldn’t be bothered with it.”
“Hunter isn’t a bother,” she said sharply.
A ghost of a smile curved his lips. “No, he’s not,” Walker replied. “What I need from you, though, is something no one else can give me. I could have an army of nannies working around the clock and I’d still need you by my side.”
“Why?” she whispered.
“Because I’m out of my element here and you anchor me. Knowing you’re under this roof…helps me.”
She blinked at the simple words. Swallowing hard, she tried to think past her thundering heartbeat. “But I can be more than just your cheerleader,” she said, covering his hand with her own. “And I want to help. I know how to calm a tired baby, or at least I used to. Let me be here for you, Walker. Please.”
He ran his thumb over her cheek before sighing. “I could never deny you anything.”
“I’ll keep that in mind when it comes time to exchange Christmas presents.” Again, she held out her arms, and this time he passed Hunter over.
“Hey there, baby. What’s the matter?”
Hunter continued to sob, his little face red and squished up.
“That bad, huh?” Rubbing his back, she walked the perimeter of the room, rocking him as they went. Walker kept pace with them, his eyes on his crying child.
“Shhhh,” she soothed as they paraded around the room.
The frantic sobs racketed down a notch, but Hunter was still no closer to sleep.
“I tried everything,” Walker said in a soft voice. “I changed and fed him and still nothing.”
“Sometimes babies just cry,” she replied. “It’s not anything you did. Besides, he’s still settling into his new life. Maybe something in his environment set him off or maybe he had some bad memories rise up.”
“He’s a baby. His memory is as long term as a goldfish.”
She stuck out her tongue at him. “You don’t know what’s going on in his head.”
“And you do?”
“I know he needs comfort. Maybe singing to him wasn’t such a bad idea. His mother might have done that for him when he was fussy. We have no way of knowing what sort of soothing he’s used to.”
“In that case, he’d probably respond better to a female voice.”
“Oh no, you don’t. You know I refuse to even go to karaoke.”
“But this is for the good of an upset child,” he replied with mock innocence.
“I’m not singing,” she said right as Hunter grabbed a chunk of her hair and pulled. The tiny baby was surprisingly strong when he wanted to be. And loud. The crying escalated once more.
“I think he disagrees with your choice.”
“What would I even sing?”
He just shrugged.
With a sigh, she caved. Her siblings had always responded well to lullabies. Only problem is, she couldn’t remember a single one of them.
“Happy birthday to you,” she started, singing the only song she could think of.
“God, no,” Walker interrupted her. “That song is awful on all occasions. Whether you are white knuckling it through before you can blow out the candles or mouthing the words in hopes no one notices how off key you are.”
“Then you sing,” she snapped.
“That will make all of us cry.”
Rolling her eyes, she cast her mind back for other songs. Picking a Christmas carol at random she started to sing again, bouncing Hunter as they walked. By the end of the first tune, his cries were less desperate. By the second, he hiccupped fretfully but was settling more calmly into her arms. By the third he was quiet, his eyes drooping as they walked.
“How did you do that?” Walker whispered.
“Practice,” she replied. “Looks like I’ve still got it.”
“You learned how to do this when you were younger.”
The words were not a question so she ignored them.
“You don’t talk about those years.”
“You don’t talk about your childhood either. Tell me, when was the last time you called your mother?”
“Can’t,” he said simply. “I’ve got no idea where she is.”
Clara spun, earning an annoyed grunt from the baby in her arms. “How do you not know where your mother is? You have access to some of the most advanced software in the world, not to mention the money and resources to find anyone. You could easily find her.”
“If I wanted to,” he agreed. “The thing is I don’t.”
“Why?”
He looked away. “You have your secrets and I have mine. Do you really want to dig deeper into this?”
She sighed. “My past is a story I try to forget, not discuss.”
“Me too.”
It was on the tip of her tongue to ask for more. He’d never even mentioned his parents before in all the years they’d been friends. But he was right. She had her own secrets to keep, and reopening those wounds when she was already feeling vulnerable seemed the height of stupidity.
Some doors were better left closed. Forever.
“Why don’t we try putting him down now?” she said. “He’s looking pretty sleepy.”
Nodding, he pulled back the blankets in the crib as she stared to lower her precious armful.
As soon as she bent over the crib the wailing started again.
“Damn,” she sighed, straightening immediately and bouncing Hunter until he calmed. “I’ll say one thing for your kid, he’s going to be a social butterfly. He hates being alone.”
“I guess he gets that from his mother.”
“Whoever she may be,” she added tartly.
A crooked smile twisted his lips. “True enough.”
Turning her head, she yawned into her shoulder, still shifting her weight from foot to foot to keep Hunter happy.
“You’re exhausted,” he said.
“You are, too.”
“I don’t have a date tomorrow.”
She stopped rocking. “Todd. I forgot about him.”
“You should open with that when you meet him.”
“Damn. I wonder if it’s too late to cancel.”
He watched her with hooded eyes. “Of course, it is. You should go.”
“Why?” The question was so soft she wondered if he’d even heard her. But after a long exhale he replied.
“Because Diane loves you, and she wouldn’t set you up with a bad guy. He’s probably the better man.”
Her head jerked up. “Better than who?”
It was his turn to look away. “I just think you should go. Have fun and take a break. You deserve it.” His eyes found hers again. “You deserve good things, Clara. The best the world has to offer.”
The breath froze in her lungs. There was no looking away from the burning honesty in his expression. He meant every word he said.
He loves me. Maybe not in the way I wanted but it’s not nothing.
“You deserve happiness, too,” she whispered.
He hooked his thumbs around the waistband of his pajamas. “Maybe I’ll get it one day.”
“You’ve got Hunter. That’s a good start.”
They both stared down at the baby.
“Yes,” he said, his voice gruff but soft. “I have him.”
And me.
The words died on her tongue. He’d just told her to pursue another man. If that wasn’t making his desires clear she didn’t know what was.
A lump formed in her throat. It didn’t matter. As long as she had his friendship it would be enough. Maybe Todd would be able to give her what she craved.
“I’m going to try sitting on the bed,” she said. “The crib seemed like a bad idea last time.”
Moving slowly, so as not to jostle the newly quiet baby, she climbed on top of the bedspread with Walker’s help. She sighed with relief as she settled back against his headboard, Hunter sleeping on her chest.
“Much better,” she murmured, closing her own eyes.
She rubbed the baby’s back, marveling at how good it felt to be the one to soothe him.
Precious baby boy.
He was changing everything.
The bed dipped beside her, and she looked over to see Walker crawling up beside her so that their shoulders touched.
“He looks so peaceful when he’s not screaming bloody murder,” he said.
“You can never predict what a baby will do. I gave up trying a long time ago.”
The brush of a finger along the shell of her ear had her turning to stare at her companion.
“We will talk about it,” he promised her softly. “Not tonight. Not till you’re ready. But someday.” His gaze dropped briefly to her lips before he glanced away. “You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to spill my secrets to.”
Her heart clenched at the quiet words. “Me too,” she said. “Only you.”
His blue gaze found hers once more. They simply sat there in shared silence, so close yet so far from the way she wanted to be next to him. Closing the distance between them would take nothing. It’d be as simple as breathing.
But she had Todd waiting for her tomorrow, and Walker had told her to go.
Stop wishing for what you can’t have.
She needed to focus on what mattered.
Like the little boy in her arms.
“I think he’s settled,” she whispered.
“If you could bottle your magical baby-soothing abilities we’d make a fortune.”
“You have a fortune.”
“Another one, then.”
She rolled her eyes. “And what would we do with it? Buy an island?”
“Nah, I barely use the one I have now.”
Her jaw dropped and he chuckled. “Kidding. But I have a friend with one and he owes me a favor. Let me know if you ever want a tropical getaway.”
“How has this offer not come up before? You waited till we had a baby to factor in before offering a spontaneous getaway?”
He blinked at her, the smile slipping from his face.
What is it? What did I say?
Reviewing her words, she realized what had triggered him.
You waited till we had a baby.
Except they didn’t. Not really. At least, she didn’t.
“I didn’t mean—”
He placed a hand over hers and squeezed gently. “I wish he was ours.”
Her breath caught in her throat. “What?”
“It might be the sleep deprivation talking.” His fingers traced along hers. “But I wish he was tied to you and not some faceless woman out there he might never meet.”
Because he doesn’t know where his own mother is and now his son is sharing the same fate.
“Walker…”
His crooked half smile was back in place. “Any kid would be lucky to have you as a mom. You’ll be wonderful when you have a pack of your own. If you want them.”
“I didn’t think I did,” she replied. “But now…” She stared down at Hunter. “He’s made everything different.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. “I know the feeling.”
Her eyes started dropping as exhaustion caught up with her. Shifting, she slid down in the bed enough not to wake the baby but to allow her head to rest against Walker. Obligingly he wrapped an arm around her so she could cuddle up against his chest. His heartbeat was deep and even under her ear, and the sound was soothing enough to lull her even closer to sleep.
“I should go back to my own room,” she said, not wanting to move a muscle.
“Stay,” he murmured against her hair. “Stay with me.”
Forever.
If only he meant those words the way she wished he would.