Intoxicated
“Good afternoon, buddies! Your little sarcastic ray of sunshine has arrived!” Violet chuckles as she takes a seat beside us.
“I think there’s a dead slug in your sandwich,” Joe comments, frowning at Violet’s lunch as she sits, “but it’s been run over by a bulldozer or something. That is definitely not ham.”
“It’s called Quorn.” She rolls her eyes. “Artificial meat. I’m a vegetarian. Funnily enough, I don’t even eat dead slugs.”
“What can I say? I’m not a chef.” Joe flashes her an innocent grin. I watch the affair through my actual ham sandwich – I love my meat – but in silence. I can’t seem to shut my mind up about the bloody beach thing yesterday. Alec and I shared a moment there, and I have no way of telling if I’m the only one who felt it or not. Things have been so much more intimate since the night of Kaitlin’s anniversary, and I’m not sure if it’ll ever go back to normal now that I’ve put myself in such a vulnerable position. I opened up to him, and thanks to yesterday, our friendship is on a whole new territory. We haven’t really spoken since we both arrived home last night. I’m just praying it won’t be awkward between us; my moments with him are fast becoming my favourite parts of the day.
I can sense Dylan’s stare boring into the side of my face, but I daren’t turn and meet his eye. Although things have more or less returned to normal between us, we’re not quite there yet. There is an unspoken tension. I still catch him staring at me when we’re in the same room, or blushing or talking about me to his friends. It makes me uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed.
I think it’s best for me to just act like I don’t notice him staring at me.
Alec is sitting next to Joe on the opposite side of the table, and Violet and I are paired together. Chase is apparently ditching to go on a date or something, according to rumour. To be honest I wouldn’t put it past him, but at least he’s a lovable player. If such a thing exists, that is.
“Riley.” Dylan’s voice interrupts my thoughts and I look up at last. I feel uneasy, but I’m not the only one judging by Dylan’s rosy cheeks and awkward posture. What’s up with him?
“Yeah?” I ask.
“I need to talk to you. Can we go and speak alone for a second?”
He’s going to bring it up again.
Alec tenses next to me, and I jerk backwards as though someone’s touched white-hot metal to my skin. I don’t want to go anywhere. I have that foreshadowing stir of nervousness in the pit of my stomach. I shoot a vaguely panicked look at Violet, and her expression mirrors mine.
“Er, um, no!” I blurt out before I can stop myself, and my hand slaps over my mouth. Oh crap, why did I just say that? Everyone on the table turns to look at me now. Whereas Dylan looks a little shell-shocked, Violet looks relieved and Joe looks curious. As for Alec, he just appears lost in thought.
“Oh, okay.” Dylan swallows. “So you want me to talk here then?” To say he looks hesitant would be a huge understatement. He’s flushed bright red now, and he’s swallowing as though there’s no saliva left in his mouth. I feel really bad for making him feel like that. Why did I have to make such a big deal out of an innocent private conversation?
“No, no, of course not,” I say, standing up. “We can go somewhere, sorry.”
Judging by the daring expression on Alec’s face though, as he stares at Dylan, that isn’t the case. A look of realisation dawns on Joe, and then ever so subtly, Joe mutters out what sounds suspiciously like, “Dylan, let’s talk this out first.”
“Did you maybe want to go out on Saturday night?” Dylan finally blurts.
Before I’ve even had time to register Dylan’s question, Alec’s palms slap down on the table, and a loud smacking noise ricochets around the room. That had to have hurt, but funnily enough Alec doesn’t seem to mind. A lot of people are staring at us now, and my jaw has dropped to the floor, but I snap it shut as I watch Alec climb out of the booth angrily. His jaw is set in annoyance, and he looks like he’s gritting his teeth behind his closed lips.
He was expecting this, I realise.
What the hell am I supposed to do now? I watch, conflicted, as Alec jogs away from the scene. Should I go after him? Or should I talk to Dylan?
“I’m so sorry, Dylan,” I plead, “I can’t. I really can’t. I can’t do it to you.”
As I stand up from the table, he grabs my arm. “Wait,” he protests.
“I would be leading you on,” I reply softly. “I like him, Dylan. It wouldn’t be fair to you, if I said yes. I wish sometimes that I didn’t, but I do.”
Dylan sighs but nods stiffly before staring straight ahead, ignoring Joe’s glare directed at him. I feel terrible, but I know I’ve done the right thing. I tug away from Dylan’s defeated grip and following the direction of Violet’s urgent pointing, I chase after Alec.
God knows I’ve hurt enough people. I can’t hurt him too.
As I turn the corner, I spot him up ahead, pacing up and down. He still looks furious, and I’m a little hesitant to approach him when steam is practically exploding from his ears. I guess I’d just like to think that he’d do the same for me, so I’m going to approach him and fix this as best I can.
“Alec.” My voice is kind of hoarse as I step closer, and his head snaps up to look at me. The ocean depths of his eyes are stormy and grey with anger. They soften slightly as they see me, but it doesn’t last long. After a short second of sweetness, the walls go up again, and he looks even angrier than he did before.
“What is it, Riley?” he sighs, features creased in exasperation and annoyance.
“I said no.”
An unexplainable emotion crosses his features, but then we lose eye contact and he shakes his head as though trying to erase some thoughts from his mind. “Whatever.” He shrugs. “Why should I even care?”
I step backwards at the hurt of his words. After storming out, and after Joe’s not-so-subtle mention of talking it out, he’s still going to act aloof? Like he doesn’t care one bit? I opened myself up to him. I’ve put myself at my most vulnerable, telling him things I never dreamed I would and making it clear just how much I care about him. After storming out of the room in anger, I’m disappointed that he still feels the need to pretend like he doesn’t care. Be that as a friend or something more, I know he cares about me. I’ve seen it.
“You’re right,” I mutter. “I guess you shouldn’t.” Without looking back up at him, I turn round and walk away.
“Riley, what’s the matter?” Mom’s worried voice comes from the hallway as she watches me enter my bedroom and drop my rucksack to the floor. I didn’t shout hello to her when I got back home – that’s why she paid attention to me. Mistake on my part. I don’t look over at her, but I know she’s staring. There’s nothing wrong. I’m just numb.
I suppose that’s better than feeling pain, which is what I felt initially.
I mean, was I stupid to think maybe something might happen with us? Little things, like our milkshake moment at the beach, like the way he held me when I told him my past, like how Joe mentioned Alec and Dylan talking it out and how his friends all tease me about him. Was I stupid to think that I would be the girl who could make Alec Wilde feel something, and overlook his commitment issues? That maybe he returned my feelings? All of that hope, all of that belief, was demolished in a second. If he does care, he’s definitely not ready to show it. It stung at first, but now I can’t feel anything.
I’m a shadow. The shell of a bullet. I consist of nothing.
Nothing is wrong. Nothing should be wrong.
“Riley, tell me.” Mom appears in the doorway, with soft, comforting eyes watching me. “I know something’s the matter, baby. Tell me what’s wrong.”
She steps closer, but I daren’t meet her eye, otherwise the numbness might break down again and the hurt flood back in. I like being numb; I don’t want to feel. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice that the window is open, and in a sudden burst of anger I pull it shut with a slam.
Of course, he probably doesn’t know that he’s even hurt me. I walked away in anger, not in pain. The pain came after, when I realised how stupid I was to allow myself to get so close to someone so turbulent. Someone who could so easily hurt me. Alec is in the opposite room, and his head snaps up at the noise, but I pull the curtain closed before he can see my face. Yeah, I know I’m a coward, but I can’t stomach facing him yet.
“Riley Jessica Greene.” Mom’s voice comes softly from behind me and her arms wrap round me, tugging me back into her. “Tell your mama what’s up.”
“Dylan asked me if I was free Saturday night.” I sigh. I’m not quite sure what to feel about that. Evidently, he hadn’t discussed it with his friends first, and Alec was not too happy. I’ve quite possibly ruined my relationship with both of them now. “Alec got angry and stalked away before I could refuse. Then when I went after him and told him I said no, he asked why he should care. I’m annoyed, but I can deal.”
“Really?” Mom says dubiously. “I don’t believe you. I don’t think you can deal.”
She squeezes me tight and kisses my hair. “You know that he’s jealous, right? He’s jealous that Dylan asked you out –that’s why he’s upset.” That’s what I thought too, originally, but surely if he cared then he’d show it more often? Why do I keep feeling like he’s going hot and cold on me – one minute that distant player and the next back into a lovable boy next door? He can’t be both. He needs to choose.
“I thought that too.” I pull back and look her in the eye. “But I’m fed up of how he pretends he doesn’t care even the slightest bit. He turns into such a jerk sometimes.”
Mom stares blankly at me. “You can be one oblivious girl, you know that?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, I’m no expert, but it sounds like he likes you back but he has some issues with trust. I bet that boy has some insecurity things going on, and he’s not ready for you to know that he cares about you yet, so he pushes you away. That doesn’t make it good, but it’s up to you to decide whether his commitment issues mean you should get over him.” The way she describes it makes so much sense. She sighs. “I’ve got some paperwork to do. Things will sort themselves out, okay?”
“Okay, thanks, Mama.” I pick at a loose thread on my bed sheets.
“Riley,” she says, “just . . . just do me a favour and remember that people tend to put up walls to protect themselves from getting hurt. It’s what you and I did for a very long time, and God knows it’s what your uncle has done, so try to put yourself in Alec’s shoes. He’s a lot more insecure than he likes people to see, and I think the problem is that you’re breaking down his wall a lot faster than he can build it back up again. Just make sure to remember that he may not find this whole crush thing easy either.”
She pecks me on the cheek and walks out of the room, leaving me looking thoughtfully after her. After deliberating over it for a second, I peel back the curtain and stare into the opposite room. All clear. As quickly as possible, I pull the curtain back and open up the window as far as it can go. My mom has a point, and I know it.
I’m not quite ready to shut Alec Wilde out yet, despite what he said.
“Angel with a shotgun,” I murmur under my breath as I focus my gaze on the laptop, trying my very hardest to concentrate on the text in front of me. My music is playing on full volume, so that’s not really helping, and I squint at the screen until the words blur into nonsense, impossible to understand. So much for writing my History assessment; if I can’t find the will to research for it then I guess I’m going to have to leave it until tomorrow.
Those are the words of a true queen of procrastination.
Just as I select the Tumblr app on my phone, preparing for a few hours of internet scrolling bliss, something sharp hits me on the side of my shin.
“Ow!” I wince and drop my hand to my leg, eyes scanning the duvet for a sign of the culprit. A small white paper aeroplane waits on the covers beside me. My heart rate picks up as I register who it’s from, and I resist looking up at the window to unfold the paper aeroplane. Written in large font in the centre of the paper is a short sentence.
I’m sorry for being a jerk.
A small smile spreads on my lips and I look up at the window to see, as I expected, Alec watching me with shame on his face. What a cutie pie. I drop the aeroplane and saunter up to the window, making sure to take my time so that I can absorb his reaction to the full. It’s priceless. He’s blushing and scratching the back of his neck awkwardly, which is unknown territory for Alec. He’s embarrassed.
Probably because that was one of the most cliché, hopelessly romantic ways of apologising ever. But hey, I’ll take what I can get.
“You’re sorry?” I ask him, leaning over the window. “It’s okay. I’m sorry too.” I’m saying that like some kind of saint, like I’m being the better person by letting him off. In all honesty though, I forgave him before I even spoke to him.
“But I hurt you, and it wasn’t even legitimate. It was a complete lie. If I had a drink for every crap I gave about you, Riley Greene, I’d be intoxicated. Of course I care.” He lets out a breath, gesturing down at the space in-between our two houses. “The number of paper aeroplanes I tried to throw in through that goddamn window just proves it.”
I glance down to see what must be about twenty paper aeroplanes littering the grass. I let out a laugh at this. Not so perfect after all, is he?
A happy grin slides onto my face, and I climb out of my window carefully. I know I’m acting like a lovesick puppy right now, but I can’t help it. I do mean something to him, and while he’s showing me that, I won’t reject him.
I manage to climb in through his window, and I hug him tightly as soon as I reach the floor. His warm arms wrap round me, shooting sparks over my skin and causing every hair to stand up on end. He is a really good hugger. He sighs and rests his chin on top of my head. My heart is thudding faster than a hummingbird’s on steroids. I don’t know how I can possibly stay away from him.
“I have something for you,” he mumbles.
I pull away instantly, curiosity getting the better of me. “Is it a bomb? Poison? A bullet to the head? Body spray to the eye?”
He rolls his eyes at my reference back to the body-spray incident. “No, it isn’t going to damage you. Shocking, I know.” He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a small brown paper bag. “Do you remember the first time we went to the beach with all the others? We were lying on the sand, and you saw I had this bag, and asked what it was?”
“I remember.”
“I couldn’t tell you at the time . . . but open it.” He presses it into my awaiting fingers. “It’s not huge, and it’s not overly sensitive. I just kind of saw it and bought it impulsively. I’ve been putting off actually giving it to you . . . but I guess there’s no better time than the present, so just open it.”
I open up the bag with attentive, delicate fingers and a bracelet slides onto my palm. A thin piece of string contains a collection of hand-painted wooden beads. A copper anchor charm, and a copper surfboard charm also decorate the bracelet, and in the centre is a shark’s tooth. It’s small but beautiful. A simple kind of perfection.
I smile and immediately attempt to put the bracelet round my wrist one-handed. I manage for only a brief moment before a second pair of tanned, assured hands clasp it together for me. His skin is warm, and I tingle all over from the contact. Alec is standing close to me. My heart yearns for moments like this, and I hate that I want to repress that yearning.
“Thank you,” I mumble, finally bracing myself enough to meet his oceanic gaze. It burns with some deep emotion that I can’t explain. “It’s gorgeous.”
Alec takes a step closer.
My heart goes into overdrive, and I’m positive he can hear the accelerated thuds. He stares at me for a moment, and I drop my gaze to the floor, knowing that with a second more of this intensity, I may just lose my composure and start having a full-on heart attack. His lips. Oh fudge.
“Stop that,” Alec growls quietly. I look up, shocked to see how close his face is to mine.
“W-what?” I stutter.
“The stuttering, the blushing,” he mutters, and his scent fans my face – vanilla and cologne, a delicious combination. “It’s driving me insane.”
My heart is threatening to explode out of my chest now, my face flooding even more red and my palms becoming slick with sweat. I wipe them on my skirt quickly, not wanting to break eye contact. From this closeness, I can see a faint scattering of freckles across his nose, just fainter than Millie’s. I can see the gold flecks in his cobalt eyes, which are watching me intently as my own gaze examines each square centimetre of his face. It’s like we’re staring straight into each other’s souls, and my heart aches for him to make that tiny step closer.
“Alec,” I breathe. “I can’t help it when you’re standing this close to me. If you’re just doing this to embarrass me, then you’re a jerk and I’m going to hit you damn hard.”
“I’m not doing it to embarrass you.”
I may have a heart attack. I’m not even joking; please can someone call 911?
“I told Dylan that I didn’t want to be with him,” I say quietly. I need him to know that.
“Good.”
“Why is that good?” I can’t breathe. My skin is tingling with goosebumps.
“Because I care about you.”
I can’t help but stare at him in shock. This is it – this is what I’ve been waiting for. His lips curve into what is possibly the most irresistible smile I’ve ever seen on his face, and he looks down at me coyly.
“I care about you too,” I say softly. Stay cool. Don’t ruin this – don’t be awkward. My fists clench in anticipation.
Kiss me. Please, please kiss me.
“I’m so freaking glad I stole your bra.” He smiles, before he finally does what I’ve been yearning for since that taunting moment on the beach. He closes the tiny gap between us, and his soft lips meet mine, stealing away my last breath of surprise.
Alec Wilde is kissing me. Alec, the jerk from next door with the crappy pickup lines, and the innuendos hidden behind every sentence, is kissing me. His lips are on mine with a soft but passionate urgency, his hands lifting to rest on my hips. I can’t think properly; my head is swirling. This is so surreal.
I squeeze my eyelids shut and step towards him, my lips finally bursting into action and moving in synchronisation with his. I can’t bring myself to think through whatever this means for us, the risks and the dangers. I can’t bring myself to focus on anything but how amazing this is, and how I never could have dreamed it would feel like this. My arms automatically loop round his neck to draw us closer, and I run my hands through his thick hair.
Butterflies explode in my stomach and attack the lining with their breathy wings, and my skin is on fire wherever our skin brushes. I guess this is what everyone is on about when they talk about sparks, or fireworks igniting in your belly, but that’s not the way I’d describe it. Sparks and fireworks don’t seem to cover the unbelievable joy I’m feeling right now. In fact, it’s more like my insides are alight with warmth, and I can feel myself glowing, radiating happiness.
I’m the freaking sunshine.
Of course, the time comes when we have to break away for oxygen, and my eyes fly open as our lips lose their delicious contact, leaving us panting. The kiss wasn’t even that long, but it’s left me breathless in the same way that a full-on make-out would, because it was somehow the strongest kiss I’ve ever had. I curiously glance up to see Alec, and he’s staring down at me with wide eyes – I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or not. I’m praying in my mind that this isn’t an evil dream, that life can actually be this good and my subconscious wouldn’t play such tricks on me. It has to be real, though. With my tingling red lips, I crack a smile. It doesn’t take Alec long to return it.
“Do you want to go down to the train line?” he asks me, and the answer shines prominently in my eyes. Still, I decide to tease him. It’s just in my nature.
“No.” I shake my head defiantly, biting my lip to hold in my chuckles.
“No?”
“Yes.”
“Yes to the no or yes as in yes? The second one, right?” Alec frowns and his eyes cross as he tries to figure it out. I think it’s the ugliest face that I’ve ever seen him pull, and he still looks frigging adorable. He and his cuteness disgust me.
“Yes.”
“You’re a weird one, Riley.”
I beam up at him. My arms are still looped tightly round his neck, my body flush against his. I don’t want to worry in this moment. I want to take this for what it is: something that I wanted to happen, despite the odds. I won’t think about all the logical reasons that we shouldn’t have kissed. I won’t think about all the ways this could be ruined. I will think about how happy I am, in this moment, and pray that it’s worth it.
“You wouldn’t have me any other way.”
He doesn’t even bother denying it.