No Time
“Riley.”
I turn at the sound of my name, managing to pluck up the sides of my mouth ever so slightly at the sight of my ex-boyfriend. He stands before me in a crisp white shirt and dark skinny jeans, his blonde hair tousled and his hazel eyes happy. Toby grins at me, “I’m surprised you came, actually. I thought you’d stand me up. You look stunning.”
I smile back half-heartedly. We’re standing in the entrance of the Elephant Bar. Bamboo lines the walls, with cosy, mismatched furniture, statues and water features everywhere in sight. The atmosphere around us is buzzing with activity. This is possibly one of the liveliest places to host a first date, but I feel anything but lively. The thought of trying to pluck up excitement for this date is exhausting. I’m numb inside. My gestures seem doll-like, my face a mask. I feel fake.
“Thank you,” I say. “Shall we sit down?”
“Definitely.” Toby holds out his arm and I reluctantly place my hand in the crook of his elbow – allowing him to lead me to our table. My hair is down and curled, and I even forced myself into a dress. Simple, understated, but a dress nonetheless. I’m not sure why I made an effort, but it was certainly not to please Toby. Maybe I thought it was courteous. Maybe I thought there was a chance of Alec charging in, in a jealous rage, and stealing me away from the dragon. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m so goddamn lonely that the thought of any attention, be it from Toby or not, is better than the week of solitude I’ve just survived.
Sadly, the last is the most likely. I haven’t had the best week. Head down, trying to dodge the dirty looks and never summoning the courage to speak to my friends. I wonder if I ever will. I know I told my mom I would, but it’s so daunting.
“I see you’ve already ordered drinks,” I say, eyeing up the green-tea spritzer he bought for me. This used to be my favourite drink in the world. I’m surprised he remembered. Toby tucks my chair under me, role-playing a gentleman, and chuckles.
“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind. I know what you would’ve wanted.”
“I usually have lemonade,” I mutter softly.
“Oh, sorry, do you want me to send it back and ask for a lemonade?” Toby asks, not at all fazed by my impoliteness. It’s disconcerting, this friendliness. After everything he’s done, it makes me uncomfortable for him to be kind to me or vice versa. I shake my head and stare at the table. I don’t want him to be kind to me. I want him to shout, so that I have an excuse to shout back, storm out and leave this date.
“So,” Toby asks as he tucks himself in, “how have you been?” His face is flushed. He’s happy to be here; this is what he wanted all along.
I should play nice. It’s not like I’m a saint myself. Besides, it’s kind of nice to be able to talk to someone, even if it is him.
“What do you think?” I ask, wryly. I take a sip of my drink and taste nostalgia. Nostalgia over the person I used to be, when I was with him. When Kaitlin was still alive, and I had an all-consuming crush on Toby Charlton. The selfishness, the moodiness, the loss. The pain of my life back then, amplified by hormones. The drink is bitter, and I put it down.
“I’m gonna say not too good,” Toby says softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” I play with the rim of my glass, unable to look him in the eye. Stop being nice to me. You told Tiana about the kiss. You cheated on me. You’re the reason Tiana hates me. You’re why I’m in this mess right now. I struggle to keep my mouth shut.
“Fair enough, but I’m here if you do want to.” Toby clears his throat. “Things haven’t exactly been easy for you this week, and I understand that.”
“Because you know me so well.” I sip the drink again, trying to mask my irritation by not meeting his eyes.
“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying I understand it hasn’t been easy.”
“No part of my life has been easy,” I snap at him before I can help it. My hand slumps from the glass onto the table with a loud and painful smack, and I welcome the pain.
You’re lying. Those moments of your life with Alec were easy.
“I know,” Toby mutters, staring at his lap. “I deserve that.”
“You deserve a lot more than that,” I growl. “You told Tiana about how Kaitlin died.” This isn’t going to plan. If Tiana hears about this . . . well, I’m a bit screwed. I seriously need to regain some control over my emotions. If I let the anger in, I let the hurt in, and I can’t deal with that right now. Plus, Tiana wants me to try again with Toby. That means I at least have to try.
“How do you know that?” he asks sharply.
He’s shocked.
I falter. He doesn’t know what’s going on between me and Tiana. He doesn’t know why I’m here right now, instead of hanging out with my best friends or with Alec. I have to admit, this has caught me off guard. I thought Toby had a little more to do with this whole process, but apparently he has no idea about what’s going on behind the scenes. I wonder what he’ll think of Tiana when he finds out. At least I can tell him what’s happening, even if I haven’t mustered the courage to tell my friends quite yet.
“Because Tiana’s blackmailing me with it,” I tell him, stirring my drink with the straw. “And I made the link. We were the only two people that knew about the kiss, so math dictates that you must have told her.” Toby doesn’t even seem to hear the last part of my sentence. His eyebrows have furrowed.
“She’s what?”
“Blackmailing me,” I sigh. “That’s why I haven’t spoken to any of my friends in over a week. That’s why –”
“That’s why you’re here, on this date,” Toby finishes, deadpan. “Of course. It makes perfect sense now. I knew it was too surreal to be true.”
“Yeah,” I say softly. I feel a small amount of guilt for Toby, which I shouldn’t because of everything he put me through. However, to find out that I was forced to come on this date when he was evidently so excited for it must be painful, and I empathise with that. It’s not like he knew that Tiana was going to blackmail me.
“Right.” He grimaces. “So I’m her charity case, and you must be angrier with me now than ever. For goodness’ sake.” He meets my eye after a second of brooding, and he looks . . . defeated. “I can promise you that I didn’t mean to tell her about the kiss. We were at her house and she was probing for details about my relationship with you. It just kind of slipped out, and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” It’s not okay at all, but we all make mistakes.
“So she’s blackmailing you into staying away from Alec, correct? And I’m the ticket into pushing him and your other friends away. God, I feel used.”
“Yeah.” I laugh slightly but not because it’s funny. “Sorry.” I stir the umbrella round my drink mindlessly. At least now I have one person who knows what it feels like.
“Riley, I need you to tell me something.” Toby grabs my hand, surprising me. His eyes glue themselves to mine. I can’t look away. “We have so much history. But I can see you don’t want to be here right now, and it’s okay for you to say there’s nothing between us any more. We’ve changed, and I was a jackass to you, so I understand that all this is my own fault. Just tell me. Am I stupid to think we could be a couple again?”
Think before you reply.
“You aren’t stupid,” I tell him slowly. “Once upon a time, we had an amazing connection. Strong enough that I kissed you even when you were with my cousin, because I liked you so much. However,” I draw out the word and look into his eyes. “That time has come and gone. You cheated on me when we got together, and the moment I found out was the moment that you and I ended for good. I can see that you regret it, and maybe it wouldn’t be a bad choice to start afresh – I doubt you’d hurt me like that again. But it wouldn’t be the right one. We aren’t right together any more. I’m not sure if we ever were.” As I speak I understand how the whole nature of our relationship was wrong, somehow.
Toby is silent for a moment, before replying.
“You love him, don’t you?”
His blunt question catches me off guard.
“Love Alec?”
I think about it for a second. We’ve known each other for less than three months. He irritates me to no end, and I fluctuate between annoyance and adoration when it comes to him. He grates on me like no other person has grated on me before, and sometimes I want to slap him silly. Yet, my days without him are miserable. I think about him continuously. I feel safe, and happy, whenever he’s around. He manages to make my stomach flip and give me girly squeals of excitement when I think about him (very uncharacteristic of me). If I could, I’d be with him 24/7, getting high off the buzz in my chest.
When he helped with my panic attack. When we talked about our pasts at the train line. When he punched Toby and defended me. Well, not that he punched him, more the defending bit.
Do I love him?
“Not yet,” I tell Toby truthfully. “But I’m falling hard.”
I’ve said it aloud, and my stomach flips. Have I even told myself how far deep I was in until this moment?
“Tell him.” Toby smiles slightly. “Just go and tell him everything. If you feel like that, then he deserves to know because the chances are he feels exactly the same way about you. Everyone can see it, Riley.”
“What about Tiana?” The mention of her name is enough to make me dismiss the idea. “She’ll spread the thing about Kaitlin.”
“I can sort Tiana out,” Toby promises. “And if she spreads it, I’ll say the whole thing is none of her business. It’ll look like Tiana’s just being spiteful. Nobody will believe her.”
My heart begins to beat furiously, with hope, with excitement, I don’t know what. Toby has offered me a way out. “Why would you do this for me?”
“Believe it or not” – Toby releases my hands to tousle his hair awkwardly – “I do care about you, and I want you to be happy. I have a funny way of showing it, I know, but I do. If he’s going to make you happy, and there’s no chance for us to ever work out, then that’s something I need to accept. Riley, I’m not a bad guy. I’ve made mistakes, a lot of them, but I wouldn’t hold you back like that. Kaitlin would have wanted you to be happy, so it’s the least I can do given the circumstances.”
“What if he hates me?”
“He couldn’t. It’s not in him to hate you. Now go.” Toby gestures to the door. “The sooner, the better.”
“What, right now?” I ask him in surprise.
“No time like the present,” Toby says dryly.
I slide off my seat, wrap both arms round Toby tightly and squeeze my gratitude. My heart is racing with excitement and determination – this is just the boost I needed. The courage to tell my friends, to hold my head up high whether Tiana tells the world or not. If I think I’m falling in love with Alec, then I need to do whatever it takes to be with him. If that means admitting to my mistake, then so be it.
“Thank you,” I murmur. “Thank you, Toby, for letting me go.”
“Excuse me – sir, madam – may I take your orders?”
I pull away from Toby to see a waiter standing nearby, tilted awkwardly to the side to see Toby’s face. “I’m actually leaving, I’m afraid,” I say. My voice sounds breathless. I almost – not quite, but almost – sound happy. “Thank you for the, um, wonderful service and the spritzer, though. I think we’re finished here.” I glance back at Toby for approval.
“We’re finished,” he confirms.
“Oh okay, well in that case, have a lovely evening.” The waiter bids us adieu, rolling his eyes when he thinks we can’t see him.
“Thank you,” I say to Toby again, grabbing my bag from the table.
“You don’t owe me any thanks, Riley. Just go.”
I nod and make my way towards the entrance, nerves settling in the pit of my stomach. It’s time to put my trust in other people.
Just as I reach the entrance, I spot a familiar flash of blonde hair at a table to my right. I waver for a second, deliberating over whether I should just leave, or whether I could try to talk to Dylan. I don’t know if he’ll even want to talk to me, if he’s angry or what. I can’t help but gravitate closer towards him, until I can see over the edge of the cosy booth down onto my best friend’s dark form.
Dylan and Violet?
Candles are set out on the table between them. She’s laughing at something he said. An inexplicable warmth spreads through me. They’re on a date.
“Hey,” I say as I approach. They glance up in surprise, and I feel slightly ashamed for imposing on what appears to be their first date together.
“Riley,” Dylan says dumbly. “What are you doing here?”
“I was actually . . .” I trail off and glance behind to where Toby was, but he’s left by now. I turn back to the pair with a slight smile. “I was just fixing something with an old friend. How about you?”
“I think it’s pretty obvious what we’re doing, Riley,” Violet deadpans.
“Just wanted the confirmation.” I grin. “I’m happy for you guys.”
“You seem chirpy tonight,” Dylan notices. “Every time I’ve seen you this week you’ve been so down. I wanted to come and speak to you, but I couldn’t do it to Alec. I hope you understand.”
There’s them and then there’s me. They stuck together, and I’ve excluded myself. I need to fix that.
I nod. “I am happier. I’m actually on my way to fix things with him right now. Explain why I did what I did . . . I hope he listens to my side.”
Violet’s ears seem to prick up at this. “Can we know too?”
“Yeah, you can, but after your date. I’ll call you later, I promise. I hope you two have an amazing time, and I’m so sorry for ignoring you recently. I can explain everything, but I won’t ruin your date with that now. Make sure you treat her right, Merrick.” I glance at Dylan, before looking to Violet. “You behave yourself.”
“You make me sound like a toddler,” she scoffs.
“That’s because you are one.” I walk away.
I feel determined, ready. I trust my friends to stand by me no matter what, because I would do that much for them. If Tiana spreads rumours about me, I’ll survive. If she doesn’t, great. A nervous energy burns in my chest. This is terrifying, but I need to do it. Alec alone is worth more than any possible comment that can be thrown my way. It’s just strange that it’s Toby who’s given me the courage to see that.
“Go get your man, Riley!” Dylan calls as I reach the doors.
Oh, I’m planning to.