Concrete Heart
“Riley.”
I grit my teeth and ignore the voice; instead I carry on collecting my books from my locker.
“Riley, c’mon. Answer me.”
Why can’t some people just get the message? Maybe if I slam the locker and run now, he won’t chase after me. Or is that just wishful thinking? I tell you what I wish – I wish he’d freaking leave me alone. I release a short sigh, grabbing my Math book and slamming the locker door closed. I don’t want to face him, but maybe if I yell at him some more he’ll get the message and leave me be. It’s a fat chance, but I’ll try anything.
“What do you want, Toby?”
“Nothing much.” He shrugs nonchalantly, but I can see the delight in his face that I actually turned round and answered him. I know him that well, unfortunately. “I just wanted to know how you’ve been recently.”
I grit my teeth even more fiercely and shove the last of my books in my backpack, turning to walk down the corridor towards my first lesson. Annoyingly, Toby follows.
“I’ve been just great,” I mutter. “No thanks to you.”
You’d think he’d have given up by now, but no. Toby has been insistently friendly since the moment I stepped into school this morning. All day pestering. Toby hesitates before speaking, and I can almost see a guilty sheen in his eyes. “Yeah, I deserve that one,” he admits, “but I’ll make it up to you, Riley. I promise.”
“Go and preach it to someone who gives a shit, Toby,” I glower. “Leave me alone.”
Toby’s act drops, and he gives me a stony scowl. “You aren’t going to make this easy for me, are you, Riley? All I want is to be friends.”
You should have thought about that before you cheated and moved cities without telling me.
“You should have thought about that before you cheated and moved cities without telling me,” I hiss in a low voice, trying to prevent anyone nearby from hearing us. “Now leave me alone.” I shoot him a final icy glare, as I step into my Physics room. No sooner have I stepped in, however, than I’m yanked out again with a sharp and painful tug. I curse under my breath and spin round to start yelling at him, but the person standing in front of me is the furthest from “him” that you can get. Toby stands by my other side, but it’s not his hand that’s currently clawing my arm. Not unless he’s suddenly got silver acrylic nails and a diamond bracelet, that is. Toby stares shell-shocked at the girl, but her eyes are fixed on me.
Tiana Cooper. What the hell does she want?
With a small sigh, I stretch on an elasticated smile. Here we go again.
“Tiana,” I greet, my cheeks aching. “What a pleasant surprise.” I grab her hand and slowly detach it from my forearm, only making her smirk widen. My fingers trace over the marks on my skin, bruises in the curve of perfectly manicured fingernails.
“Riley, sweetie, you look gorgeous today,” Tiana purrs, her icy grey eyes running over my body, scrutinising every flaw. The compliment is completely flat, that is abundantly clear. What does she want with me? It’s not like we make a habit of associating with each other – we hate each other’s guts and that’s no secret.
“Thanks,” I say, “I’d say the same for you but . . .”
My heartbeat jumps with nerves.
Behind her smile, Tiana’s eyes turn stormy. Good. “Please could I talk to you? It’ll only take a second, promise.” Her gaze drifts from me over to Toby, and her eyes widen as if she’s only just noticed his presence. “Toby. Nice to see you again.”
“I’m going to leave,” Toby mutters, flushing bright red. He doesn’t even have the courage to look me in the eye. Cowardly man-whore.
Tiana turns to me and I nod, glancing reluctantly into the Physics classroom before following her away from the door, further into the corridor again. The walk is eerily silent apart from the thud of Tiana’s sneakers against the polished flooring, and my eyes narrow in concentration. I’ve stayed as far away from her as possible and still I’ve managed to rub her up the wrong way. It’s pretty obvious that she doesn’t want to compare lip-gloss brands and talk this week’s crushes.
After she’s checked that we’re far enough from all of the classrooms she turns to face me and I stop walking.
“So, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?” I ask, mocking her with no shame. Her steely eyes show no hint of fake friendliness now, and her full lips are curled into an unattractive sneer as she flips her dark ponytail over her shoulder. Alas, the true Tiana Cooper comes out for me.
“Drop the act, Riley,” she snaps. “I think you know what I want to talk to you about.” She steps a little closer, but I refuse to give in to the temptation to step backwards. That would only make her think that she intimidates me, and although that may be slightly true, there’s no way I’d ever let her see it. I stand tall, staring directly into her eyes. Don’t give her the satisfaction, Riley.
“No, actually, Tiana, I really don’t know why you’ve dragged me here with those garden shears that you call fingernails.”
“Don’t you dare play dumb with me, Greene,” she hisses, stepping right into my face this time and shoving me back into the lockers. “I want you to stay away from Alec Wilde, or so help me God, I will make sure you regret it. We almost had a good thing going until you got in the way.”
My eyes narrow back at her.
What? Does she think I’m stepping in her way or something?
“You can have Alec,” I snarl. “Get the hell out of my face, Tiana.”
“Really? I can have him? Then back off. He doesn’t want you.” She leans down further, her icy glare searing holes into my skin. I’ve never seen a look filled with so much hatred before. Someone has a case of the green-eyed monster. I don’t know what she has to hate me about; if anything I should hate her more. She’s the one that Toby cheated on me with; she’s the one that has single-handedly made me feel worse and worse about myself ever since by rubbing it in my face.
I frown after Tiana as she slithers away. Does she think she’s winning? I am not prepared to obey orders from her. She’s taken so much from me, and my new friendship with Alec is not going to be another item added to her list.
With that thought in mind, I jog back to my last lesson for the day, determination hardening my concrete heart.
“Psst, Riley,” Alec whispers, poking me in the arm softly.
I raise my eyebrows, ignoring him like the badass I am and staring instead at the teacher’s demonstration at the front. Ignoring Alec is surprisingly fun.
“Riley,” he whines, poking me again, harder this time. “Riley, what’s the answer?”
This time I scoff, unable to restrain myself. No chance am I giving him all the answers. Physics isn’t an easy subject; it took a chunk out of my weekend to do these! He can work them out on his own. Alec seems to sense my defiance and he groans quietly, poking me hard enough to leave a bruise, desperation showing through. He knows that if he hasn’t completed the homework, he’ll get a detention. My lips curve up in amusement. Oh, I can play this game all day.
Alec’s hand makes a dart for my folder, but I pull it neatly away from him, my smile morphing into a full-blown grin. He’s no match for my ninja skills. Alec growls low under his breath. He’s figured out that I’m playing with him, and I chuckle quietly. He knows that I’m trying to get him annoyed. Jeez, he must be desperate for those answers.
“Riley,” he whispers, that desperation evident in his voice. Aw bless. “Please can I have the answers?”
“Alec,” Mr Johnson’s voice says sharply from the front, “I ask you to pay attention when I’m doing a demonstration. Stop flirting with Riley and listen to what I’m trying to teach you.”
A rumble of laughter spreads around the class and I blush. There’s already rumours about me and Alec seeing each other, and dating in secret. I definitely don’t need the teasing from teachers now too.
“I’m sorry, sir,” Alec replies smoothly. “I don’t understand one of the questions we had for homework. I was trying to get Riley to help me with it, but she refuses.”
My jaw drops open at this. Way to make me seem like the bad guy. At least I’ve actually done the homework.
“Well, next time, please ask when I’m not in the middle of a demonstration,” the teacher says, brow furrowing. “Riley, please could you help Alec with his homework? He doesn’t understand, and I trust you to be able to help him.”
I nod stiffly in reply to his request, feeling the smugness pour off of Alec like a tidal wave. I don’t dare look over at him; if he’s smirking, like I know he is, the urge to punch him in the face will be unbearable, so I stare at Mr Johnson instead. The teacher nods gratefully, before turning back to the demonstration to teach the rest of the class. This is beyond unfair.
“So,” Alec begins cheerfully, “are you going to help me, Riley?”
“Dude, give her a break.” Joe laughs from the other side of the bench. “She looks like she wants to kill you at the moment. I don’t blame her to be honest.” He grins slyly at me, fumbling with a piece of paper in his hands. Is he making a paper aeroplane?
“Copy my answer and I will castrate you,” I tell Alec bluntly. “But you can look at the method.” I begrudgingly hand Alec my sheet, and in the meantime entertain myself by watching Joe aim paper aeroplanes at the teacher without him noticing. They sail through the air, one by one, hitting various targets but never the teacher himself. By the fifth aeroplane, the whole class is turning round to watch Joe. These guys are fun to be around, I have to admit that.
“Thanks, Riley.” Alec passes me my sheet back.
“Ignore him,” Joe whispers. “He’s just in a particularly annoying mood because he got laid last night.”
Is that what Alec told him? Alec was with me all of last night. We watched The Avengers, and Mean Girls.
“You know, I may not be incredible at Physics but I’m pretty good at Math and Biology,” Alec comments cheerfully, a smug smirk growing on his lips. “Especially Math and Biology in bed. You know, I’ll add the bed, you subtract the clothes. You divide the legs and I’ll multiply.” Alec wriggles his eyebrows playfully. “Fancy a personal tutor, Riley? Extra credit homework?”
“Ew.” I cringe. “That’s so disgusting! How do you manage to bring innuendos into Math? That’s practically an art.”
Joe grins at my comment, chucking a piece of eraser at me. Alec just smirks some more.
“You know, I’m good with art too, Riley. I’m very handy with a –”
“I don’t want to know,” I interrupt, slapping my hand over Alec’s mouth.
He stares at me for a second, before sticking out his tongue and pressing a long lick to my palm. “Ew! I don’t want your mouth herpes!” I yelp, running my wet palm against his face to dry it.
“Mouth herpes? Are you implying that I have a lot of o–”
“Shut up!”
“Miss Greene, please quiet down! This is the last warning for the back row!”
I’ll get you back one day, Alec. I swear it.
A single piece of eraser flies through the air, hitting me on the cheek. Joe’s up to his pranks again. I try my hardest not to flinch as I stare calmly into Mr Johnson’s narrowed eyes, ignoring the boys’ chortles to my left.
“I’m sorry, sir. Alec was making inappropriate comments to me.”
I have to choke back my laugh at Mr Johnson’s bulging eyes and flushed face, but apparently the rest of the class can’t because a rumble of chuckles resounds around the room. Alec blushes besides me, and Mr Johnson shoots him a look. Well, there’s part one of my revenge, I guess.
“Right, as we seem to be finished with this topic –” Mr Johnson shoots us all a blank stare – “we’ll move on. Our next topic will be momentum. Linear momentum is defined by the mass of an object multiplied by its velocity. Can anyone tell me what the principle of the conservation of momentum states?”
I freeze in my seat.
“If objects collide, the total momentum before the collision is the same as the total momentum after the collision, so long as there are no external factors at play,” a voice parrots from the front.
Collision.
“That’s correct. We will be looking at force, and the conservation of momentum over the next few lessons. So, to get you all into the mindset again, explain this to me. A car of mass two thousand kilos is moving along a straight horizontal road at a speed of five metres per second to the minus one. This car collides with a standstill object of mass fifty kilos, which is at rest on the same track.”
The blood runs cold, and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears.
“During the collision, the car and the object lock together and move together,” Mr Johnson continues, oblivious to the horror on my face. I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready. I can feel the panic rising within me, and my breaths get faster and faster as I look for a relief that I can’t seem to find.
“What is the speed of the objects immediately after the collision?”
I can’t breathe. I need to get out of here.
“Riley.” Alec stares at me as he realises that something very wrong is happening. “Come on, Riley, let’s get out of here.”
Without another word, he grabs my hand and pulls me from my seat. His skin is warm and rough, and I try to focus on that, to root me to a calm place. We ignore the calls of a teacher who doesn’t understand why we’re leaving; we ignore the eyes of students. Alec gets me to the door as fast as he possibly can, and I could never feel more grateful than I feel right now.
“Riley.” Alec grips my hand tighter and leads me out further into the cool corridor. The claustrophobia has disappeared, but I stare at Alec with my eyes wide in panic as I clutch him and hyperventilate. He must be so scared right now; I know I am. I don’t want him to see me like this, but I need him to help me. I need him to calm me down.
“Breathe, Riley. In, out. In, out. It’s all okay, Riley. I’m here. You’re okay.”
My eyes fill with tears that I can’t seem to choke back down. My panic attacks are fairly rare, but when they do occur, they’re so overwhelming that I can’t help but sob with the shock and power of my emotions. I break down in front of Alec Wilde, the last person on Earth I’d want to cry in front of, but his arms wrap round me and he supports me as I weep. He doesn’t say anything. He knows that nothing he could ever say will help.
Calm down, Riley. Calm down. You’re safe. You’re okay.
“Riley,” Alec whispers after a while, cradling me to his chest. My gasps for breath are the only sounds that fill the stagnant, quiet air, as I struggle to force my mind back to rationality. “Listen to my heartbeat. Feel how steady that is?”
His words surprise me, but grateful for the distraction, I force my head against his chest and listen to the steady thump of his life. I listen to the source of him, the thing that’s holding everything together. Slowly, surely, everything else begins to fade into the background. I place all of my concentration on him. On his heart.
I’m not sure how much time passes while I’m slumped in Alec’s arms, but eventually my breathing begins to slow and my eyes stop leaking.
Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud.
He smells like cologne and vanilla. His hoodie is soft, and his arms are strong. I feel safe. When I’m placed in situations like the one I was just in, it usually takes me a lot longer to calm down. It takes me a few seconds to work up the courage to pull away from his heartbeat and face the aftermath, but once I do I wipe away my tears and avoid looking at Alec. There’s a hollowness in my chest, and my head is starting to hurt.
“Thank you,” I say in a weak voice, still not looking at him. What must he think of me now? “Thank you for getting me out of there.” I don’t think he’ll ever understand how grateful I am, but also how embarrassing it is to be seen like that. To be seen as so vulnerable, so messy.
“It’s okay.” Alec’s voice is soft, and his words are adorably awkward. “You know that you can, um . . . talk to me about stuff, don’t you? I won’t laugh or anything. If you need me, I’m here.”
I have to fight the urge to hug him tightly and never let go.
“So.” Alec puts his hands in his pockets and finally I look up at him. He looks worried, which surprises me. “What was that about?”
“Panic attack . . .” I mumble. “I get them from time to time.”
It’s getting close to the anniversary.
Alec’s eyes betray his concern. “Okay, do you want me to walk you to the nurse’s office? I could speak to her for you, if you want?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Thank you, but no. I think I should get home. I have some stuff I need to think about . . . I kind of need to be alone right now.” I bite my lip at the look of dejection on his face, which he hurriedly disguises. I force a smile onto my lips and continue, trying to reassure him. “Maybe we can organise something after school? Thank you, again. Honestly, you have no idea how grateful I am.”
“Oh, it’s okay.” Alec nods and scuffs his feet against the floor. “Be safe. Text me so I know when you’re home.”
I need you.
My heart warms and my smile becomes a little more genuine as he backs away, towards the classroom again. “Thanks, Alec. I will.”
We sit in silence at the table. Something cold and unspoken lingers in the air, weighing down upon each of our shoulders. Someone needs to talk, but nobody wants to. It sits heavy in the air above our heads, like a cloud, ready for someone to let loose the rain. Jack stares dumbly into the patterns of the wood. Violet’s hand is in my lap, squeezing my numb fingers. My mom’s nails tap relentlessly against the surface as we wait for someone to speak first, someone to breach the inevitable.
“Okay,” Mom finally says. “We have to prepare some kind of a plan.”
The rain falls.
“A plan?” I echo scathingly. Violet’s grip tightens round my hand.
“Yes, a plan,” Mom snaps back, looking me in the eye. Despite the circumstances, it’s refreshing to see a spark about her again. To see a glimpse of the fire that burned inside her until just under a year ago. “We need to find the best way possible to deal with the upcoming anniversary, so that events like today don’t have to happen again. If you know of another way we can help make things easier for everyone, please speak up.”
I remain silent.
“That’s what I thought.” Mom sighs. The fight within her dies again. “I think everyone here knows why I called this family meeting. Riley had another panic attack today, and it’s about time that we approach the subject of the anniversary of Kaitlin’s death. I think it will be a lot easier to face if we all know how we’re going to face it.”
I glance at Violet sitting beside me. She has a small smile on her face, most likely from being addressed as one of the family. Her home life isn’t fantastic, and she’s been one of us for years now. Best friends with me and Kaitlin, she went through all of the events of last year with us. She knows she is my family, but it must still be nice for her to hear.
“Nothing is going to prevent me from having panic attacks, Mom,” I say weakly.
Because the guilt is never going to stop.
“I know that, sweetheart, but what we can try to do is ease your anxiety by having a certain plan for things – so that you know how to deal with the feelings when they come to you. Do you think it would be worth seeing your therapist again?”
“No,” I reply quickly. Jack looks up at this with an expression of confusion, but I shake my head adamantly. “We never really spoke about Kaitlin herself. She always encouraged me to keep writing about Kaitlin in my journal if I didn’t feel comfortable talking aloud about her, so I’d prefer just to do that again.”
Violet looks at me for a few seconds, before turning to my mom. “I think that’s probably the best thing for Riley, actually. She’s got us to talk to about Kaitlin, and she has her journal for her more intimate thoughts. She’s progressed so much without the need of a therapist. If she feels uncomfortable with the idea, I don’t see why she should need to see Julia again.”
I squeeze Violet’s hand as a silent thanks.
“Okay,” Mom says. “No therapist. However, my compromise is that I want you to write in your journal as often as you can, Riley. I also want you to ring me if you ever think you’re going to have a panic attack, or if you’ve already had one, and I’ll take you out of school immediately. I don’t think it’s good for you to be there when you feel like that.”
“Okay,” I agree. “What about Jack?”
We all turn to the eight-year-old boy, clutching his iPad like some kind of a lifeline. He stares blankly back at us.
“I’ll be okay.”
“Are you sure, sweetheart?” Mom wraps a comforting arm round his shoulders. “It’s a lot to deal with, so if you’d like someone to talk to about it, then we’re all here. I can also ring Julia for you and book you some appointments if you want to talk to someone privately.”
“No, I don’t want that.”
“Okay, well, Riley and Violet have offered to walk you home from school so you don’t have to get a ride with Jamie any more. Is that better?”
“That’s better,” Jack affirms. He’s always hated getting rides with his friend Jamie.
“What about you, Mom?” I ask finally, turning to look at her wearied face. “How are you going to deal with the anniversary?” It’s so like my mom to make a plan for everyone else to deal with the event, but for her to tough it out herself. Her first thoughts always go to us, but she struggles just as much as we do – if not more. My stomach churns with guilt, and my eyes drop to her hands.
Mom’s fingers tie themselves into a knot. “I think I’m going to book some extra sessions with Julia. Maybe throw myself into my work as a distraction. I’ll be fine, Riley. It’s you kids I’m worried about . . . Violet, please help keep an eye on them for me. You have my number – if you’re worried about Riley at any point, just give me a call.”
“I will,” Violet vows.
“We should have more family movie nights,” Jack suggests.
“I think that’s a good idea.” Mom smiles, grabbing his hand over the table. “Let’s try to see this a bit positively too.”
Jack pulls his hand away from hers in mock disgust, but a betraying smile slides onto his face.
“We’re going to be okay,” Mom assures us.
I’m not sure if she herself believes it, but the sentiment is as comforting as her arms round me.