Spider’s Web
I arrive home with a drowsy smile on my face and the buzz of happiness in my stomach. I had a surprisingly great time today, and I can honestly say that it’s been one of the best days I’ve had since Kaitlin died. Did that have anything to do with throwing a water balloon into the face of a certain someone? Or watching Joe slobber all over his leg? Yes, yes it definitely had everything to do with that. I think this is the first time I’ve let myself realise just how happy I’ve been since meeting Alec – the first time I’ve just allowed myself to be happy. I hate to hand it to him, but the boy sure does know how to cheer me up.
“Mom,” I call, kicking my shoes off and closing the front door behind me. “I’m home. How was your day?”
Mom emerges from the kitchen, wrapped in baggy leggings and a face mask. “My day has been fabulous, thank you, sweetheart. How was it meeting Alec’s family? Did you have a good time?” She leans against the frame and raises a mischievous eyebrow.
Oh ha ha, like I’m meeting the parents. Very funny, Mom.
“It was great,” I say, ignoring her smirk and smiling down at the floor. “They’re all very friendly. I wrote a five-star review on TripAdvisor.”
Mom chuckles. “I’m glad you had fun. I wanted to let you know that your friend stopped by about ten minutes ago. I told her that she could wait in your room until you came home.”
“Violet?” I frown, grabbing a lollipop from the jar and unwrapping it slowly.
“No, this was a different girl.”
My frown deepens. I don’t have any female friends beside Violet. Definitely not ones I know well enough that they would just show up at my house, unannounced. “Do you know this girl’s name? What did she look like?”
“I think she said her name was Tina? Tasha? Something like that. You know I’m not good with names.”
A weight seems to drop from my mouth right into the soles of my feet. Tiana. Tiana is at my house. In my room. My fantastic mood disintegrates, and a feeling of dread cultivates like a fungus in the pit of my stomach. What on earth is she doing here? I try to maintain a neutral expression in front of my mom and nod. “Okay, I’ll go and talk to her.”
As I make my way to the stairwell, my insides are tying themselves into knots. I doubt Tiana is here for a peace treaty; her motives have a tendency to be much more malicious. How does she even know where I live? By the time I’m at my bedroom door, my insides really have sunk like lead. Swallowing my nerves and pulling on a brave face, I step inside.
“What are you doing here?” I hiss, the moment I spot her standing by my window.
“It’s a shame that Alec’s window is shut,” Tiana replies casually. She doesn’t look up to acknowledge my presence. “Drapes closed and everything. I’m sure he’d enjoy listening to the conversation we’re going to have. My heart goes out to him, really.”
I stare at the girl with icy contempt. “Tell me why you’re here.”
Tiana finally turns to look at me. Unlike me, she appears completely collected and calm. A small smirk tugs the corner of her glossed lips upwards, and her dark hair is razor sharp. “Well, well. The kitten gets her claws out.” Tiana leans away from the window and takes slow steps towards me. “You aren’t as good as you let on, are you, Riley? You act like a saint, like you’re above the rest of us, but you really aren’t.” Tiana’s laughter is melodious and intimidating. She’s a sed predator. My chest tightens at the words she is saying.
She knows.
She knows.
“What do you mean?” The only words I can force out.
“I think you know exactly what I mean.” She stops in front of me, and my chest begins to rise more quickly as my thoughts spin into overdrive. Toby told her. “I was always under the impression that Kaitlin was pathetic and unable to grab what she wanted when she had it. Little did I know that she might have managed to if it wasn’t for you. Because he chose her before he chose you, didn’t he? But you couldn’t have any of that.”
“Toby told you.” My voice comes out as a whisper of defeat. I stare at the floor, praying that the guilt will stop devouring me slowly and simply swallow me out of existence.
“You always were a genius.”
“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” I plead. I can’t bring myself to look up at the smile I know is on her face. To know that she takes joy from this, from my pain and from Kaitlin’s. “It was just kissing . . . It was at a party. They were together and I was hurt. I thought I loved him, and I know I was selfish but –”
“You’re very good at stealing men, aren’t you, Riley?” Tiana interrupts.
I stand in silence for a few seconds as I work up the nerve to speak back to her. “What do you want from me?” I lift my chin slowly, looking her in the eye. Shame bubbles inside of me, and the smug pride in her eyes does nothing but accelerate it, but still I stare. “Did you come just to torture me with my past, or do you actually have a reason to be here?”
“Oh I have a reason all right.” A slow, wicked smile grows on her lips, like a sickening mould of happiness. “Like I said, I want you to stay away from Alec Wilde.”
“Of course you do.”
Tiana glares at me. “I want you to erase him, to ignore his presence with every atom of your existence. I want you to forgive Toby for what he’s done to you tomorrow at lunch, and I want you to agree to go on a date with him. Lord knows you two shitheads deserve each other, and it will make him shut up with his babbling. Any opportunity that could push you and Alec apart, I want you to take.”
“And if I don’t?” I already know the answer.
“If you don’t, I will tell every single person at our school that you and Toby are the reason that your cousin died. I will tell everyone about your little affair at the party. Everybody you know, or have ever known, or ever will know. I will tell them all. Does Violet know? Does your mom know?”
Tiana folds her arms. She has it. She has me in a perfect, silky spider’s web of a trap.
“It was an accident.” I try to defend myself, but it’s useless. I’m scum in her eyes, as much as I am in my own. “Please, I just –”
“Tell me, why did she run out into the road?”
“Because she saw me kiss Toby.” I force out the words.
“She died after she saw you, her best friend, her cousin, kissing the boy she was in love with. If you hadn’t done that . . .”
“She would still be alive.”
I can’t force myself to defend my own name. The guilt has stolen my words.
“Make the right decision, Riley.”
“I-I’ll ignore him.” The words physically hurt me as they leave my mouth. My chest clutches at the thought of avoiding Alec, of hurting him willingly. Does my pride mean so much to me that I’d sacrifice his feelings? I’m even worse than I thought. “If you keep this secret, Alec is all yours,” I tell Tiana as I’m being torn in half. My heart is shredded. I know I shouldn’t care about what people think, because they don’t know the full story. The idea, though, that everyone would know . . . it’s just too much to bear.
“Pleasure doing business with you,” Tiana says, smiling innocently. “Your mom’s cookies are good, by the way. My compliments to the chef.” Laying a perfectly manicured hand on my shoulder, she pushes past me and exits the room, leaving me alone in a hurricane of emotional turmoil and guilt.
Somehow Tiana has stumbled across the single largest regret of my life. My worst nightmare is that anybody else finds out. What’s strange to me is that the thought of ignoring Alec is almost as painful to me as the idea of everyone knowing.
I guess I’m in deeper than I thought, and it’s coming back to bite me.
I wait and listen for the sound of the front door slamming before I give in to the tears.
I can say honestly that there are only three times I have felt utterly and truly lost in my life. The kind of lost that makes me question my ethics, my beliefs, myself . . . alongside the volatile world around me.
The first time?
Strangely enough, it was my first kiss. That kiss I shared with Toby, at a party with my hair hanging loose and my morals hanging looser. Kaitlin and I both had pretty huge crushes on Toby, but they were in a relationship. It killed me a little inside, but deep down I was content for them. They were my best friends, and all I wanted was for Kaitlin to be happy, so I didn’t say anything. A little bit of vodka and a whole lot of cider later, I was dancing with Toby at someone’s party. And it happened: I kissed him.
It wasn’t anything special, which makes it even more of a regret in my mind. I think he was just as surprised as I was. I pulled away pretty sharpish. That’s when I noticed Kaitlin standing opposite with her mouth hanging open. She hadn’t originally planned to go to the party, but I guess she must have decided to surprise us. She turned and ran out of the room. I followed her, trying to explain. Toby too. She fled the house, ran into the road without looking. The car was going too fast. It didn’t stop.
Before I knew it I was screaming. Raw, agonising screams.
When she was gone? That was the second time I felt truly lost.
The third is ashamedly and undoubtedly right now.
I haven’t spoken to any of my friends today, just as Tiana asked. I’m not sure I could stomach facing them even if she didn’t ask me to avoid them.
Am I doing the right thing by saving my own ass? Of course not. I’m hurting people because I’m not strong enough to face the idea of everyone knowing about my mistake. I want to be able to do the right thing, but I don’t think I’m able to. Lost. I am utterly lost. Lost without my friends’ guidance, lost in guilt and sadness and longing.
I enter the cafeteria, clutching my tray and I know that things are going to get a lot worse the moment I forgive Toby. I see him instantly, leaning against a pillar in the corner of the room with his headphones in. My heart beats painfully in my chest.
Violet is sitting with the boys at our usual table, and she’s spotted me. Alec looks up too. Ducking behind my hair, I pretend that I haven’t noticed them and I feel a sting as I do. This is such a bad idea.
“Riley, can we talk?”
I glance up to realise that Toby has moved and is now planted in front of me with a pleading look in his hazel eyes.
“Okay,” I mumble.
“How are you doing today?”
“I’m okay, thanks.”
“That’s good,” he says, “Okay so . . . I know you haven’t really given me much chance to apologise so I’m going to take what I can get. I’m sorry for what I did to you. You have no idea how much it haunts me, and I want you to know I’ve changed. I know you don’t want to be anything more than friends, but I’ll do everything I can to be part of your life again, Riley.”
Honesty shines clear in his words, so much so that I’m startled.
Surprisingly, I actually feel myself soften. Not enough to consider forgiving him for real, but enough that his sincerity has spoken through to me. Can I trust him? Hell no, but I’ll accept his apology. “Thank you,” I say, nodding at the floor. “I appreciate that.”
“You’re welcome,” he says. He shoves his hands into his pockets almost nervously, and I realise that this is the first time in almost a year that Toby and I have been on vaguely good terms. Albeit, it’s mostly a façade on my part but still. I don’t know whether to feel sick or satisfied. The cafeteria is buzzed as usual, but I can feel eyes on my neck. My friends are all watching this little affair, and that’s just what Tiana wanted. I feel myself shrink in my shoes.
“Where is it that we stand now?” Toby asks.
“I don’t know,” I sigh. “I will never be able to trust you, and that’s a fact, but I accept that you’ve said sorry. I forgive you, for the sake of putting grudges behind me and moving on with my life.” The words burn as they leave my mouth. They sound robotic.
Loss of my ethics.
“Thank you, Riley. You have no idea how much that means to me.” Toby smiles a little. “You know, Tiana suggested yesterday that I ask you out on a date, as an official introduction to the ‘new me’. I told her she was crazy.” Toby twists his body awkwardly and can’t look me in the eyes. “Was she crazy? Do you think if I did ask you out, you’d say yes?”
“I think I’d consider it.”
Loss of my beliefs.
Toby stares at me in shock, “Really?”
“Really?”
Alec’s voice sounds from behind me and something within me turns frosty cold. I spin round slowly to see that his face is hard, solidified into a gut-wrenching expression of horror, anger and disbelief. “Really, Riley? You’re going to go on a date with him?” Just watching the emotions on his face has my mind writhing in pain. All of the boys, and Violet, are watching me in shock.
“I –”
“I think Riley can do whatever she wants to do,” Tiana intervenes, entering the circle with a feline smile and a flick of her claws. “Toby and Riley have history, and Toby has changed for the better. Everybody deserves a second chance.”
“Not him.” Alec shakes his head adamantly. His eyes are pleading. “Are you insane, Riley? You can’t seriously be thinking about this.”
“I want to get rid of the baggage I have,” I lie. My voice is soulless and deadpan. “I want to move on. It’s a chance for Toby to redeem himself, and a chance for me to erase some of the dead, heavy weight I have in my life. It’ll be good for me, I promise.”
“But what about me?” Alec demands. My heart seems to freeze, melt and vaporise in an instant. It’s reassuring to hear that I’m not the only one to know that there is some little spark between us, but it’s also painful to think about what I could be losing with this stupid act of self-preservation. I open my mouth to reply.
“You and Riley were never together, Alec,” Tiana points out, interrupting me before I can speak. She’s feeding ideas into Alec’s head, and I want to scream at her. “You two are just friends, right?”
Alec looks at me for a long, heated second.
“Right,” he says coldly, before turning and storming from the room. Part of me walks out with him, staring back at the rest of me in disgust.
And last but not least, the loss of myself.
As of now, I am completely alone.