Liar, Liar
I, among everyone really, have been prone to a bit of gossip in my lifetime.
A juicy rumour you overhear in the bathroom stall. Something A called B while their back was turned, or the fact that A slept with that guy B she swore she’d never sleep with. Something you don’t see very often is a person stopping to think about the victim of a rumour, about how this twisted story, be it true or false, affects the people involved. I am as much of a criminal of this as the next person. The attention, the loss of privacy and most certainly the bullying never occurred to me, and I wish I could say that I was selfless enough for that to be my first thought.
I am lucky to be able to say that in my life, I have never been bullied. Disliked, sure, but bullied, no. But, as of now, I feel pretty damn close.
“I heard she dumped Alec, right out of nowhere.”
“Apparently she was cheating.”
“She likes that Toby guy, doesn’t she? Alec was just a challenge to her.”
“She tamed the bad boy, and now she’s broken his heart. What a bitch.”
I’m taunted by whispers as I stumble down the corridor. They egg me on, to carry on walking straight out of the doors and never come back. To sleepwalk my way off a cliff, or dig a hole in the ground and hide in it. There’re so many voices in my head, so many comments, that I can’t even decipher which are other people’s and which are my own.
The only thing that keeps me walking is the fear that should they find out my other secret and had I not accepted Tiana’s deal, the rumours would be even worse. This, I convince myself, is the lesser of two evils.
I’ve never been a very convincing liar.
“Violet!” I hear myself call as I spot a familiar face at the end of a corridor. The sight of her is literally a breath of fresh air, and I find myself doubling my pace as I reach out for the one person I know that I can trust. I ignore the glances of bystanders, the whispers and the dirty looks and sigh in relief the moment I reach her and she turns round. She organises her books in her locker and doesn’t face me as I smile at her. “Vi, thank goodness. I thought I was going insane.”
“Hi, Riley.”
“You haven’t been answering my calls and texts. I need to speak to you.”
“About what?”
My excitement plummets. I can feel it by the way she’s speaking – she’s upset. She, like everyone else, is more than wondering why I decided to accept Toby’s offer. I wish I could tell her my situation, about the blackmail. If I did then she’d be able to see my side a little more. Although I can’t truly say that I don’t despise the choice I’m making and that Violet wouldn’t despise it too, at least I’d be able to give her a little bit of an explanation. Everything . . . everything was so good at the weekend. Now it’s all fallen apart.
“You know, about the whole thing with Toby and . . . and Alec.”
“Ah, that thing. I couldn’t care less about Toby,” Violet says, as she purses her lips and stares determinedly at the contents of her locker. “But Alec I actually really like. And you’re acting like a complete and utter idiot – abandoning everything you’ve ever stood for, all you’ve ever said, ignoring me and the rest of your friends for the whole day and then hurting Alec seemingly out of nowhere?”
“That thing,” I say tightly, waiting for her to turn.
“Riley.” Violet sighs and finally looks at me, slamming her locker shut. “He told me you guys kissed. What the hell are you thinking?”
I say softly, “I did it for a reason.”
“I know that.” She nods. “Because otherwise you would be hurting Alec for nothing. But right now I can’t think of a good enough reason for you to throw away what you had with that boy just to give a jackass another chance. So this ‘reason’ better be good.” Crossing her arms, she leans against the locker and waits for disappointment.
“I can’t tell you it.”
“Are you kidding?” Violet scowls. “Why not?”
“I just can’t.”
“Well then, what the hell did you want to talk about?”
“I wanted to talk to you because,” I struggle, “because I need you to trust me . . . I need you on my side. I don’t care if the whole school hates me as long as my best friend doesn’t.”
“Riley.” Violet closes her eyes for a second and opens them with a new kind of fire in them, and I suddenly understand that what I did yesterday hurt her as well as everyone else. “I want to side with you, and back you up, but I can’t until I know your reasoning. Alec is my friend too, and you hurt him yesterday. Tell me why, and I can help.”
The fact of the matter is that the only way I can hope to escape this situation is to tell her. If that leads to questions about my past, about what I’m hiding, then so be it. I’ve gone through a whole lot worse than this before; I can manage it again. “All right, I –”
My words disintegrate as Tiana walks past and positions herself on the opposite side of the corridor, pretending to use her phone. There’s no doubt that she’s heard the entire exchange. Although she doesn’t say anything, her cool smile tells me everything I need to know. It’s a warning. Tell Violet, and I tell everyone else. And suddenly, all that I was about to say dries in my throat. I turn back to Violet before she notices that I was looking at Tiana and cough lamely.
“I just can’t tell you, so I’m asking you to trust me,” I finish.
Tiana approves. I can sense Violet getting irritated.
“Well, can I know why you can’t tell me?”
“No,” I wince.
“You’re testing me here,” Violet mutters, “I trust you with my life and you can’t even tell me why you can’t tell me something? I’m your best friend!”
“I know you are, but this is different. This isn’t a stupid confession, or a piece of gossip. This is big, and you’re going to have to trust me based off what you know already. I can’t give you any more.”
Violet throws her arms up. “All I already know is that for some random reason yesterday, you went back on all you’ve ever said to anyone for the sake of some fool that hurt you! I trust that you must have a good reason, because otherwise you wouldn’t be who I know you are. However, I can’t stand by you while I’m still in the dark. You have to give me something. A reason to root for you.” She leans forward, searching my face for the answers she so badly needs.
“You’re not going to help me?” I ask, purposefully avoiding the question. “If I can’t ask for my best friend to trust me, who else can I ask?”
“Riley, I trust you, but I can’t fight blindly! I won’t ever act against you – you know I wouldn’t do that – and I’ll try my best to persuade Alec that you had a good reason but . . . but you know as well as I do that unless you explain it to me, or to him, that my word means little to nothing. You want people to sympathise with you, but you haven’t given them anything to go on!”
I want to be offended that she won’t help me like I want her to, but I can’t do it. Violet, I’ve always said, is one of the most opinionated people I know. If I gave her a cause, she would fight tooth and nail for me. Not doing so right now isn’t a cause of our friendship and trust not being strong enough, but because of her nature. She can’t fight for me unless she has an opinion, and I support that. I wouldn’t want her to change her beliefs because it’s why I admire her so much, so it was silly of me to expect differently from her.
“I understand, Vi, and I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t,” I say softly. “I’m sorry. Tell Alec that I’m sorry.”
Violet pulls me into a tight hug.
“You can talk to me about anything, you know that. Please don’t shy away.”
“I know, and I’m trying not to. It’s a bit hard, though, when everyone hates your guts.”
“I’m sure that you have a good reason for doing what you’re doing, and if it’s what you want and it reflects who you are as a person, you shouldn’t care about what everyone else thinks. It’s just a bit of gossip, and their opinions don’t matter.”
But it’s not and it doesn’t.
“Thanks, Vi,” I mumble into her shoulder. I can see Tiana walking away in the distance, satisfied in the knowledge that I won’t tell anyone.
“Anytime.”
It takes my mom approximately 0.2 seconds to hear me crying.
After having thrown my bag onto the bed, I slump into the pillow and let loose. All the fear, the anxiety, the loss purges out of me like a tidal wave and my body wracks itself into a ball with sobs. I hate this. Words can’t describe how much I hate this. Why? I think to myself. Why can you not hold your head up high and allow others to think badly of you? Why have you let Tiana win, sacrificing yourself and all of your relationships just for the sake of pride? I clutch my knees and muffle my sobs into the pillow. I’m the biggest coward I know.
I’m a coward.
It was an accident! my mind screams. Don’t let her have this kind of power over you! Who cares what people think?
“Riley?” Mom rushes in, kicking the door shut and making her way over to my bed. “What’s the matter, sweetheart? Why are you crying?” Sitting at the edge of my bed, she pulls my upper body up until it rests in her lap. I can just about make out her concerned face through the blurred haze of salt water. “Has someone said something to you?”
I shake my head and wipe my eyes with frustration.
“Well what? Come on, what’s got you in this state?”
“I’ve sc-sc-screwed up,” I gasp. “I-I’ve hurt people. My friends hate me.”
“Of course they don’t,” she says, hugging me tightly. “What a silly thing to say. Your friends love you to pieces.” Her reassuring words calm me a little, and I manage to sit up, pushing myself against the headboard. Mom hands me a tissue, and I hurriedly try to wipe away the evidence of my outburst, only for more to come. I can’t stop crying. I physically cannot stop.
“Mom, I screwed up,” I choke, wiping my eyes. “I’ve made all the wrong decisions, but part of me doesn’t want to fix it. How do you deal with that?”
“That depends on the situation.” Mom wraps an arm round my shoulders and squeezes. “Come on, let it all out. I’m your mom; you can tell me anything.” Mom and I have always been incredibly close – she’s like an older sister to me. Dad is gone, aside from the cheques he sends monthly, and I haven’t got Kaitlin to talk to now. Me and Mom, we rely on each other. If I can tell anyone about this situation, it’s her.
You’re a coward. You don’t deserve your friends anyway.
I glance at her with watery eyes and instantly feel a wave of comfort. I can tell her. She won’t hate me.
“I made a mistake a year ago,” I say slowly. “And I think I’m paying the consequences for it.”
“What mistake?”
“It was when Kaitlin was alive.” I analyse the sudden sadness in her expression at the mention of her niece, sniffing. “I kissed Toby . . . when he was still in a relationship with Kaitlin.” I watch fearfully as Mom takes this in. She’s shocked, that’s clear. She takes a deep breath.
She’s disgusted by you. What kind of person does that?
“Okay, well that’s not a good thing, but it’s not terrible. Did it happen on more than one occasion? Did you tell Kaitlin?”
“No,” I admit. “It happened once. I was a bit drunk at a party, but it only needed to happen once. She saw it . . . she ran, out of the house and into the road –”
“Oh, Riley,” she sighs.
“She died.”
Mom remains silent, looking away.
“I know. You don’t have to tell me. I know how awful it is, and I hate myself for it.”
Coward. Coward. Coward.
“Listen to me, Riley.” Mom turns back to stare at me and her voice is stern. She refuses to break eye contact. “It was not your fault that she died. You made a mistake, and fate played a horrible twist. You are not responsible for her death; you are not responsible for the way she ran into the road. You made a mistake. A mistake. We all make them, we feel bad about them and then we move on. That’s the cycle. The fact that you made that mistake once and you feel so guilty about it counts for a lot. You’ve learned, baby. You feel bad about your actions, and I’m sorry that Kaitlin’s death has amplified your guilt. It’s time for stage three – you need to let it go, accept it and move on. Kaitlin wouldn’t ever want you to hate yourself over something so small. You two were fifteen. It was a crush.”
“Mom, she ran away from us,” I whimper. “She ran away. She was so desperate to get away that she ran into the road. She died, running from me.”
“What brought this on, Riley? Why are you so upset about this right now?”
I hesitate.
“Someone found out,” I whisper, sniffling. “They found out and they’re using it against me. I can’t speak to any of my friends, or they’ll spread it across the school. I can’t tell anyone anything, and part of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want anyone to know about it.”
Mom squeezes me again. “Riley, do you trust your friends?”
“Of course I do.”
“Do you trust that they’ll stand by you?”
“Well yeah but –”
“Well yeah but nothing,” Mom finishes. “There’s your answer. You tell your friends everything, and if this nasty creature spreads it then you stand and you hold your head up high.”
“I don’t think I’m strong enough for that, Mom.”
“You might not think it, but I know you are. Have a little faith in yourself, Riley. God, the amount of mistakes I’ve made in my life. At the end of the day, you’re human. Now, who is this person? I’ll go down to the school right away and speak to the principal – I’ll see what I can do.”
I watch her hands tense up, and I can tell how angry she is at this situation.
“You can’t,” I say wearily. “It will make things worse. Her family are tied in with the school board. She won’t be expelled; it’ll just make her angrier.” I wipe the remnants of my tears away and breathe slowly outward. I feel emptied of emotion, exhausted.
“Why does she have this vendetta against you?” Mom demands.
“She likes Alec.” I smile sadly at my Star Wars sheets. “She wants me to back off.”
“Girls these days are batshit crazy. If it were my day, there’d be none of this blackmailing business. Playing dirty is never a way to win a man, Riley.”
“Mom.” I giggle.
“Well, I’m sorry but it’s true.” She chuckles. “It’s no way to win anything else either, my girl. Now, what would you like for dinner? We can order in if you’d like.”
“I’m not really hungry.”
“Nonsense. I’ll order us some pizza, okay? For Jack too. Watch some films, take a bath. Cheer yourself up and get a good night’s sleep later. I promise you’ll wake up feeling better.” She kisses me on the forehead and gets up to leave.
“Thank you, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you too, more than anything.”
I stand by my window, shielded by my drapes, and look over at Alec’s room.
Surprisingly, his window is open. His drapes aren’t drawn. He’s sitting at his desk, listening to music and studying, and never before have I wanted to dash over and hug him so much. To tell him that I’m sorry and beg for another movie and takeaway day together.
I’m not sure what it is that alerts Alec to my presence. I’m pretty sure I don’t move a muscle – I don’t think my wearied body can physically handle that. Under the weight of my eyes, somehow, he turns and glances out. Our gazes lock, and I feel boiling hot and frozen all at the same time. My heart pounds in my chest.
Mixed expressions cross Alec’s beautiful face. Pain. Anger. Acceptance.
And suddenly . . . nonchalance.
He slides up from his chair and makes his way to the window.
I can’t breathe.
Just as I feel that he’s going to speak to me, he reaches up, grabs the handle and slams the window shut. The drapes close shortly after.
And just like that, my hope and determination dissolve into ash.