Chocolate Bars
Okay, so maybe I should have thought this plan through a little more.
“Alec!” I bang on the window, my eyes squinting in the rain. I’m kneeling on his windowsill in my dress, my curled hair hanging like rat’s tails in the heaven’s downpour. Some may call this torrential rain an omen. I call it an obstacle. Teetering slightly off balance on his window in the pouring rain – what could be more romantic than that? It shows determination. It shows endurance. It shows my willingness to fight for love.
It shows that you’re an absolute tit, that’s what it shows.
God, I hate it when my subconscious is right.
“Alec, please open the window.” I tap the glass again. His drapes are drawn and his window locked. For all I know, he may not be in there. It’s Saturday night, after all. He could be asleep. He could be out. He could be with a girl, I suppose, although that’s something I prefer not to consider. Rainwater is seeping right through my clothing now, and my hair is plastered to my face. I’m struggling to see through my wet mascara. Maybe I should just abandon this plan, go home and have a nice hot shower. I can send him a fax or something instead, apologising. I tap a few more times, lazily.
Just as I’m retreating back into my lair of rejection, the drapes are pulled apart.
Alec stares at me in shock, and it seems like he’s cursing, although I can’t hear through the window and the rain. I’m glad that he’s only just discovered me here. That’s a lot less embarrassing than tapping at the window for five minutes in a thunderstorm, while he sits listening in his bedroom. At least this way, there’s hope that he wants to speak to me.
Alec gestures for me to move across so that he can open the window. He looks irritated. Then again, I probably would be too if the person I was annoyed with was sitting outside my bedroom, bashing my window like a deranged woodpecker in the pouring rain. Cautiously, I shuffle left, until I’ve moved enough that he can pull in the large window. I take an eager step towards shelter.
Rookie mistake.
My bare foot slips from the drenched ledge to the abyss below, shifting my balance dramatically as my whole leg follows it. I yelp, grabbing a hold of the window frame to steady myself. I attempt to pull my leg back up, but the windowsill is so small and soaked that I can’t get a steady enough point to lean on. R.I.P. Riley Greene, who fell off the side of a house while trying to break into a boy’s room. Frantically, my leg claws the wall for support to push up from but finds nothing. Shit.
Strong, dry arms loop round my waist, and Alec’s comforting scent envelops me suddenly as he pulls me up just enough to give my leg a support, so that I can scramble back up the ledge. “Jesus, you’re clumsy,” he mumbles in my ear, tugging me roughly through the gap in the window and into the dry. I fall forward, collapsing on his carpet like a sack of potatoes onto the floor while he shuts the window behind me.
This is when the awkwardness hits.
I sit, dripping a circle of water onto his carpet, unable to turn my eyes to meet his. This is the first time we’ve spoken in over a week. What if he hates me?
“Well,” Alec starts, offering me a hand up “I can see that your coordination hasn’t improved since we last talked.”
“I don’t think it ever will.” I laugh awkwardly, taking his hand. As I’m pulled up, I blush at the proximity between us. I am standing flustered and soaking wet against him – our faces are mere centimetres away from each other. I still haven’t managed to look him in the eye. My dress drips on the floor. My make-up must be halfway down my face, and my hair is stuck to the back of my neck. “I’m sorry,” I say softly. It’s the only thing I can think to begin with. I finally force myself to look up and meet his gaze. Those dark, brooding cobalt eyes stare back at me with a mixture of disbelief, hurt and annoyance.
And I realise in that moment just how freaking much I miss him.
“That doesn’t explain why you did it.” Alec looks away.
“Then let me explain for you now.” I swallow. “You may want to sit down.”
Alec stares blankly at me for a second, before leaning against his desk and folding his arms.
Better just get to the actual explanation then, Riley.
“I’ve told you before that Toby and I were childhood sweethearts,” I swallow. My mouth is dry, like sandpaper, and I’m forcing myself to get the words out. “There’s a little more to that story. Something I haven’t told anyone, ever. I gave you the impression that Toby liked me and only me, and that it was as simple as that. I let you think that it was me all along, in his eyes. That wasn’t really the case.” Rubbing my hands together, I brace myself for this next part.
“Kait and Toby were dating first. We both had liked him, and I was jealous that he liked her. I was fifteen years old, and I thought I was in love. The night of her death . . . they had been dating for over a month. Toby and I were at a party. Kaitlin had skipped it, and we both got drunk. I kissed him.”
Alec sucks in a breath.
“It was quick. It ended really quickly. But when . . . when I opened my eyes, Kaitlin was standing there. She’d come to surprise us, she’d seen the kiss and she ran. I chased after her. I was screaming, pleading for her to understand, but she kept running. She was so desperate to get away that she ran out of the house, into the road and . . . and she was hit by a car.”
I finally look up at Alec but his expression is blank, emotionless.
“I never got the chance to tell her how sorry I was,” I choke. “And I regret that kiss so much because if it hadn’t happened, she could still be alive. After her death . . . I sank into anxiety and depression. I was going to regular therapy, having panic attacks. I couldn’t leave my room for weeks I felt so sickened by myself. Toby visited me, and he was the only one who could almost normalise me again. Against my better judgement, we started dating. A few months in, he cheated on me with Tiana and then he moved to Chicago.”
I look up at Alec. My face is burning with shame.
“How does this link to the past few weeks?” He stands still, arms crossed, leaning back.
That’s all he has to say?
“Tiana found out,” I mumble, and Alec nods as if it confirms his suspicions. “Toby told her. She was blackmailing me with it, to get to you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. She told me to distance myself from you so that she could get closer to you. She made me go on a date with Toby because she knew it would push me and you apart. If I didn’t, she was going to spread my secret across the school. That’s why I haven’t been able to talk to you, and why I accepted Toby’s offer of a date. I didn’t want to hurt you, I felt I had to, and I’m so sorry for that.”
“What changed?” Alec asks bluntly.
His lack of reaction to this news is worrying me. He doesn’t seem angry, but he doesn’t seem happy either. He’s completely stoic.
“On the date earlier Toby found out about the blackmailing. He said he’d help me stand up against Tiana, and helped me realise that you are worth so much more to me than the opinion of lots of strangers.” I look down. “I know that’s corny, but it’s the truth. I’m not like you and Violet – I do care too much about what people think about me. It ruins everything. I see that now.”
Alec doesn’t reply; he’s quiet, as if he’s taking the news in.
“Talk to me. Tell me what you think,” I beg.
“I think it’s okay to make mistakes,” Alec admits, finally looking at me. “And that sometimes the only way you can learn is by making them. I’m not a saint exactly; I’ve done a lot of things I regret, but that makes me human. It’s what makes you human too. As for the more recent events . . . I wish you could realise that you are worth a million times more than what people think of you. Opinions, rumours, reputations, none of it matters. It’s all so shallow. You can trust us, you know that. Just don’t let Tiana push you around with the fear that other people define who you are, because they fucking don’t.”
“I won’t. I know they don’t. I’ve learned my lessons I promise.” I rub my arm to smooth down the goosebumps. I still feel awkward – I don’t know what to say, what it means for him.
“Good,” Alec says, and for the first time he cracks a smile before crossing the room in a few strides. His arms wrap round me securely, and I don’t even notice when mine wrap round him too. I feel so small, so safe when he’s hugging me. I kind of never want to let go. I feel him rest his chin on top of my head, and I close my eyes.
“I missed you,” I mutter. “Too much.”
After a second he replies, and I feel his muscles relax under my arms.
“I missed you too.”
I almost screwed this up.
“You’re amazing.” He tilts my chin up to look at him. His eyes are focused on mine, and his hand still cradles my face. “Your mistake, it doesn’t define you. I’m glad you told me. Whatever this is, it’s worth more than what anyone thinks of it.”
“I know.”
One day after my reunion with Alec, and already I can say I’m feeling a lot better.
I decide that it is time to tell my friends about my past, to tell them the reasons behind my actions this previous week or so. Of course, they think that it’s absolute crap. Violet gives me a hug and tells me never to leave her again. I get a lecture from Chase about all of the mistakes he’s made and how he just has to deal with that every day. Joe and Dylan don’t seem to know how to handle it, so they just buy a chocolate bar from the canteen and present it to me in a small show of kindness.
As for me? I finally have the relief of saying that my friends know everything about me, and they don’t hate me for it. It sounds stupid, but when you hold on to something for that long, it’s hard not to blame everything that’s happened since on that one mistake. I obviously can’t let go of the guilt that easily, and it will take me a long, long time to get over Kaitlin’s death, but it’s a start. I’m at least going to try to let this go.
Unfortunately, my issues aren’t over quite yet. There is the question of what Tiana will do with the information. Whether she will let the whole school know about my past or not.
Luckily, I have the help of a lenient ex-boyfriend, a school prankster, a badass best friend and a champion bad-boy bra thief, and between us we think of a plan to bring Tiana down.
Step one of the plan – kid her into thinking nothing is out of the ordinary.
Using my Oscar-worthy acting skills, I’ve avoided my friends all morning. I’ve kept my head down, stuck a permanent pout on my face and sulked around very convincingly. Luckily, it seems to have worked. Nobody, apart from our little group, knows that we are all back on good terms again. I’m still receiving comments and glances from all of Alec’s fangirls, and Tiana has sent her progesterclones over to check on me every so often. They’ve reported back to her that my date with Toby went “okay”.
It has kind of sucked, to pretend for another day that I have nobody by my side. I miss my friends. I looked at them earlier, walking around together and laughing, and it stung a little even if I did know that it was part of the plan.
Step two of the plan – Alec lures Tiana into an ambush.
Cut to present, and you have Toby, Chase, Dylan, Joe, Violet and me waiting in a classroom for Tiana and Alec to arrive. For this step, it’s Alec’s job to lure Tiana to our classroom (probably with his classic Alec charm) where I can confront her. I’ll tell her that we’re all friends again, and that she can spread the rumours if she wants to. Then, with any luck, Toby will step in and say that he won’t allow the rumours to be spread anyway. I’m hoping that at this point, Tiana will at long last give an inkling into why she hates me so much. She seems to have a vendetta against me that’s about more than just the closeness between Alec and me. I want answers from that girl.
Violet is sitting beside me on a desk, swinging her Doc Martens below her. She’s more excited than she should be about this. Then again, she’s always loved the idea of defeating the social hierarchy – and if anyone personifies that very thing it’s Tiana.
“Are you nervous?” Dylan asks me, approaching with a shy smile.
“A little bit,” I admit. “Not so much about the confrontation – about why she hates me so much. She’s gone to great lengths to make me feel like an outcast. She must have a reason.” I release a breath. The story between me and Tiana is anything but simple. Toby cheated on me with her. He left the both of us to go to Chicago with no warning, leaving the mess of his mistakes behind. I have every right to hate her, but what right does she have to hate me? As far as I’m concerned all she’s done is cause me pain.
“You’re right, she must have a reason,” Chase agrees. “But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a justified one.”
“Guys.” Joe smirks. “If we make her sit down, I could so put a whoopee cushion on her chair. Or, if you’re into some more hardcore stuff, there’s always superglue. I’ve got some in my locker. Maybe gluing her to the chair will bring her down to earth.”
“Dude.” Chase laughs, fist-bumping his friend.
“No whoopee cushions, no superglue,” Violet says, twisting her nose stud.
She has her game face on.
“What’s taking Alec so long?” Joe whines. “He’s so bad at this seduction game.”
I begin to laugh at this, just as Tiana pushes into the room with Alec behind her. We all hush the moment she walks in. It takes her a second to realise exactly what she’s been pushed into, but by the time she turns round and tries to escape, Alec is standing blocking her exit with a smug expression on his face. I sense Violet stand up. It’s time.
“You jerk!” Tiana hisses in outrage, glaring at Alec. “I can’t believe you tricked me. Let me out right now!”
“Now, now, that’s not very nice.” Chase chuckles.
He sounds so creepy, like a Disney villain or something.
Tiana goes still at the sound of his voice before turning slowly to face us all. She looks more dishevelled than her usual ice-queen appearance. Her eyes rest on me, and her face contorts with rage. “Riley, what do you think you’re doing with them? So help me, I’ll tell everyone – ”
“Tell everyone what?” I interrupt, pulse racing. “That I was the reason my cousin died? Go ahead. I can face it.” Her eyes flicker between us all. She’s figured out by now that they all know my secret. I share a look with Alec, who’s leaning against the door with his arms crossed. She is completely blocked in.
“You seem to think they won’t care.” Tiana steps forward and raises her arms in exaggerated gestures. “If what you did gets out, you’re screwed. Everyone will exile you. So I suggest you rethink whatever plan you and your ‘buddies’ have concocted and keep your head down.”
“No one will exile her – because we’ll stand by her,” Toby says quietly. “I won’t let that happen. I’ll tell everyone you’re just an attention-seeker. Maybe you deserve that, after all the bullying you’ve done to other people.”
I glance at Toby with respect, glad to see that he isn’t just thinking about me. That girl Chelsea, who was kissing Alec when Tiana humiliated her? She was kicked off her basketball team because Tiana had a word with her family on the school board. There are other people too, people who have crossed Tiana and lost. She’s selfish and a bully and she thinks she has free rein over us all. That needs to end.
“Even if you did tell everyone.” I step forward. “Even if the worst of everything happened, I wouldn’t care, because being disrespected by the whole school is better than disrespecting myself enough to allow you to push me around. I know I did an awful thing, with awful consequences, but still I’m better than that.”
Something lightens in my chest as I speak the words aloud, and I’m not just convincing myself anymore. It’s true. I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse than some snide comments from strangers. Violet grips my hands and squeezes. I can tell she’s proud of me for saying that, and so am I.
“Are you, Riley? You think you’re better than everyone, don’t you?” Tiana is clutching at straws now; I can see it by the look in her eyes.
“Says you,” Violet points out.
“Fine, fair enough,” Tiana snaps. “Yes, sometimes I put others down to push myself up, but that’s life. It’s all very well for you to stand here now and judge me for what I’ve done to Riley, but none of you know what I’ve been through to put me in this position. Do you know why I want to isolate her?” Tiana stares at us individually. “Do you?”
“No,” I say. “So tell us.”
“You.” Her eyes are cold and fixed onto mine, freezing a path of ice down the back of my throat and through my veins. She fills me with dread, even when I know she’s got nothing on me any more. “I wanted to make you feel isolated, because that’s how I’ve felt my entire life. There was a time, last year, when I met a boy in a coffee shop. He made me feel less alone. We talked, and for the first time in my life, someone seemed to understand me, to have respect for me. We had sex, and I fell in love.” She glances at Toby, accusatorily. “Only, when I told him this, he panicked. He told me that he was already seeing a girl and that he was in love with her. Then he ran off to Chicago.”
Toby. Toby, no.
I gawk at Toby, only to see him staring down at the floor mutely. He should be ashamed. His actions didn’t just hurt me, or Kaitlin. They hurt her too.
“I was alone then,” Tiana hisses. “I accepted that, but I always hated you, Riley, for taking away my shot at happiness. Then guess what happened? Alec arrived. I spoke to him in class, and I liked him. He was the first guy to notice the fact that I’m actually really smart. He asked me why whenever the teacher asked me a question, I’d get it wrong, yet I’d always have the right answer written on the page below me. He noticed!”
She looks behind her at Alec, and I watch her expression soften. Then she turns back to me.
“And then” – Tiana scowls – “I heard that you and Alec were a thing.”
I can do nothing more but look at her, dumbfounded. My mouth doesn’t have the capacity to shape words. My brain can’t function. I had no idea Tiana felt like that. It can’t have been easy for her. However, I can’t shake the feeling that nothing is an excuse to treat people the way she has. She wants to make the world miserable just because she is, and the stuff she just told me isn’t a reason to hate me. It’s an excuse to. I can see why I’m the ultimate person to blame, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve done anything wrong to her.
“Have you looked at things from Riley’s point of view?” Violet asks, walking towards Tiana with a cold expression on her face. She’s going to make an amazing lawyer someday. “Because, if you did, you’d realise that the object of your hatred has done nothing to personally offend you. She lost her cousin this time last year. She’s been through pain too, and yet you don’t see her treating you like crap, despite the fact that you were the reason Toby cheated on her.”
Tiana glares. “That’s not my fault; I didn’t know.”
“I know you didn’t, but that’s not the point,” Violet argues. “The point is that pain is no justification to treat people badly. It’s all well and good to tell us all how difficult your love life has been, but if you removed your head from your ass long enough to look around, you’d see that everyone deals with some horrible stuff, and you can’t blame Riley for everything bad that’s happened in your life.”
I see the rage ignite in Tiana.
“You’re all blind,” Tiana hisses. “She’s blinded all of you.”
“Just shut up,” Violet hisses right back.
Dylan reaches for Violet’s hand. Joe is suddenly by my side, bumping my shoulder lightly. Alec’s arms uncross and he’s looking at me. As all this goes on, Tiana stands, blinking in shock. A realisation seems to dawn on her as she watches all of these interactions go on around her. She looks around, and all she can see are our relationships. Friendships. Bonds.
“I hate you all,” she says softly. “I hate you.”
Then she turns, shoves Alec out of the way and storms out of the classroom.