~ Emma
“You wanna go get drinks?” Jason asks smiling as he leans against the lockers in the staff room.
I shake my head once. “Can’t tonight, sorry.”
He gives me a strange look as though he doesn’t get it because we both know most of us have tomorrow off and when that happens, going out for drinks is something that’s a given.
“You got something else on?”
I nod, not saying anything more. It feels weird to talk about Nick to him, to any of them. I don’t want to explain who he is or answer any of their questions about how we met, especially when I can barely work out the answers myself.
I haven’t seen Nick since I left his apartment earlier this week. I went back to day shifts on Wednesday, which meant by the time I finished work, he was already at the bar. We’d exchanged numbers though and we talked occasionally, mostly through texts, but sometimes he’d call. He’d asked me to come and hang out with him after I finished work yesterday, but I’d been too exhausted and all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed.
He hadn’t said anything when I’d told him that, but I knew he was thinking back to the things he’d said to me before I’d left his place last weekend.
“Promise me something,” he’d said, his hands cupping my face as we stood in the doorway at the top of his stairs.
“What?” I’d asked, wanting to know the details before I agreed to anything.
Nick had stared down at me, waiting, his eyes searching mine. Eventually, he leaned in and kissed me, whispering against my lips, “Don’t run away from this, Emma.”
I’d exhaled, looking down as I’d said, “I won’t.”
It wouldn’t matter anyway. Eventually it would be him doing the running anyway, when he got sick of me never being around.
He hadn’t said anything at first and when I finally looked back up, he was still staring at me as though trying to work out if I meant what I was saying. I didn’t have the energy to explain how things would likely go from here. As much as I enjoyed being with him, as much as I might have been able to kid myself that we could somehow make this work, I knew it was unlikely.
Nick kissed me once more, as though trying to convince me. “And call Sarah,” he’d added, still watching me.
“Isn’t that two things?” I’d asked, knowing the second request was going to be just as hard.
“Then promise me these two things,” he’d said, pulling me to him. “Don’t run away from us and don’t lose your friendship over what happened that night either,” he’d said, resting his chin on my head.
But in the end, I hadn’t called Sarah. That was a promise I hadn’t managed to keep. I hadn’t technically run away though and this morning when I’d promised Nick I would come down to the bar after work tonight, I hoped that would be enough to convince him.
Jason is still watching me as I gather up my things. I give him a quick smile as I say, “Have a good night,” before walking out of the staff room and heading home. Along the way, I text Nick to let him know I’m just going to have a quick shower and then I’ll head over. I know I could easily have one at his place, but I need to get some clean clothes.
I’d gotten enough shit from Owen and Will about my last walk of shame home, I didn’t need a repeat of it when I undoubtedly end up staying with Nick for the whole weekend.
By the time I get up to my apartment however, I wonder if my plans aren’t about to change.
“Em, hey, there’s someone here to see you,” Owen says, walking towards me.
I glance into the living room and see Sarah standing awkwardly by the couch. “Hi,” she says, her eyes flicking to me before darting away again.
I glance quickly at Owen who raises an eyebrow at me, a tiny move that I know means be nice and talk to her.
“Can we talk?” she asks, stepping towards me and finally meeting my gaze.
I glance once more at Owen who pulls another face at me, this one telling me to stop being an idiot and talk to her. I roll my eyes at him before turning back to Sarah.
“Sure,” I say, gesturing towards my room.
I follow her in, watch as she looks around before walking towards the chair in the corner of my room and taking a seat. I sit on my unmade bed and wait.
We sit in silence for what feels like forever. I know there are things I should be saying and I’m guessing Sarah feels the same, but somehow neither of us is able to find the words. It hits me now how much our friendship has changed, maybe even too much.
Back when we were kids, talking is something we never had any problem doing, often staying up till all hours of the morning, either on the phone or in person if one of us was sleeping over.
I can’t quite remember when it all started to change. Going to separate universities had felt like it would change things, but at the time this distance between us hadn’t felt as noticeable.
Eventually, I have to break the silence, if only so I can deal with what I know is inevitably coming.
“How have you been?”
Sarah looks up at me, shrugs as she says, “Okay, you?”
I shrug in return. “Okay?”
“You just finish work?” she asks, gesturing to me.
It’s a ridiculous question and we both know it. Not only am I still wearing my scrubs, but we both know there’s never anywhere else I could be.
I nod.
Sarah takes a deep breath. “How’s it going, are you…are you enjoying it?”
Her question confuses me, not least because it’s one she’s never asked me before. I shrug again, knowing it’s the most non-committal response ever. “Yeah,” I add. “I mean it’s tough and busy and all that, but for the most part, I do enjoy it.”
A partial lie, but one that’s not worth correcting, even if I can hear Nick in the back of my head, pleading with me to tell her the truth.
Almost on cue, I hear my phone chime out with a text that I know has to be from him. I want to reach for it, but the look Sarah shoots me tells me not to.
I know I shouldn’t anyway, that so much of why we are in this mess now has to do with me and my phone and never really being present in any real life situation. And even if this text is different, I can’t explain that to her either.
“Listen,” she says, taking a deep breath. “About that night…”
I cut her off before she has a chance to continue. “No, it’s me who should be apologising,” I say quickly. “It was wrong of me to skip your party like I did and I’m truly sorry.”
I can’t tell if the look she gives me is one of disbelief or surprise. Disbelief that I genuinely know it was wrong of me not to come and find them that night, or surprise that I am actually apologising for it. I’m not sure which of those reasons hurts more.
“Why did you skip it?” she eventually asks and even now, I can still hear the hurt in her voice.
I shake my head, my eyes falling to my hands. “I don’t know,” I say quietly. “I was exhausted,” I add. “And it had been a bad day at work.”
Sarah says nothing for so long that I eventually look back up. When I do, this time I can see the hurt in her eyes too, and it hits me then, that this is infinitely worse than anything else. So much worse that I could do this to the person who has been my friend for longer than anyone else.
My phone chimes out with another reminder of the text I haven’t checked and I have to swallow hard as I lock my fingers together to stop them from reaching for it. Another sound chimes sound out, signalling a new message and this time it’s Sarah shaking her head.
“When did it become this bad?” she whispers, her eyes still on mine.
“What?” I ask, even though I know what she’s talking about.
“Us,” she says, gesturing between us. “When we did we get this bad.”
I shrug. “I don’t know,” I say. “Since I started working at the hospital?”
Sarah shakes her head now, somehow suggesting that it might have happened earlier than that. “You never talk to me anymore,” she whispers.
“Yes I do,” I say, knowing it’s a lie.
“No,” she says, shaking her head again. “You don’t. You don’t tell me about why your work is so bad you can’t come to my bachelorette party and you never tell me about your work in general.”
I feel my arms wrap around my waist. “I never thought you were interested,” I offer, even though that’s not even close to the truth.
“But you’ve never even given me a chance,” she says sadly. “You’re my best friend, Emma. We’ve known each other since we were ten years old. Once upon a time we used to tell each other everything.”
“I know,” I nod, my head falling.
“I miss that,” she whispers. “I miss you.”
When I lift my face to hers, I see the tears in her eyes, the sight sending a sharp pain through my chest at all the hurt I’ve caused her. “I miss you too,” I whisper back.
Sarah nods. “So don’t push me away,” she says, shifting a little in the chair.
I swallow hard, knowing that I’m not the one who pushed the other away. “But you already have,” I say, a touch of bitterness in my voice.
She flinches. “What do you mean?”
“That night,” I say, flicking my hand to an imaginary point in time. “You told me you didn’t want me to be your bridesmaid anymore.”
“Ah, shit, Emma,” she says, her head falling. “I was drunk and hurt and pissed off. I didn’t mean the things I said.”
“Didn’t you?”
I watch as Sarah takes a deep breath, as though fortifying herself before she looks up at me. “No, I didn’t,” she says. “I do want you to be my bridesmaid,” she continues. “But more than anything, I want you to be my best friend again.”
“I never stopped,” I say, defensively.
“Yeah, you did,” she immediately throws back. “You pulled away, you threw yourself into your work and didn’t care about those of us you left behind.”
“Of course I did,” I say, my voice rising a little. “But my work is crazy busy and intense, you don’t get it if you don’t work it like I do.”
“That’s because you’ve never even given me a chance to get it,” Sarah shouts, the frustration in her voice evident.
My phone chooses that moment to once again chime out with a text message and I watch as Sarah’s eyes flick towards it on the bed beside me before moving back to mine. My fingers itch with wanting to pick it up, but at this point, I don’t dare. Not when things seem to have turned bad again.
“How was I to know you’d had a shit day at work?” she says, her voice softer.
I shrug, offering no explanation.
“I want you to talk to me,” she says. “Tell me what happened so I get it. Help me understand why you’re so exhausted and unhappy all of the time.”
“I’m not unhappy,” I shoot back.
Sarah cocks an eyebrow at me that tells me she knows I’m lying.
“I’m not,” I offer weakly. “Most of the time anyway.”
“Emma,” she says firmly. “I don’t pretend to understand how much shit you have to deal with at work, okay? But I do want to. I want to get what it is that drives you crazy about your job. What you love and what makes you hurt as much as I know you do.”
I shake my head, my eyes falling to my hands again. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
I take a deep breath, wondering how it is that it’s taken us this long to have this conversation. How Nick could get me to say it all after knowing me for only a couple of hours, but for Sarah and me it’s taken years? Is it that we somehow knew what the other was feeling or was it because I thought I was safe confessing these things to someone I never thought I’d see again?
“Because,” I say, finally lifting my head. “Me going through it is bad enough. I don’t want you to have to as well.”
“Oh, Em,” Sarah says, standing and walking towards me. She pulls me up off the bed and into her arms, hugging me for the first time in what feels like forever. I feel her arms wrap around me, pulling me close and despite how gross I am I find myself hugging her back.
I never realised how much I missed this, missed her.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my eyes closing as they fill with tears for the second time in a week.
“I’m sorry too,” she replies, her arms tightening. “And for the record, no matter how bad it is, I’m always here for you. I’m always here to listen to you bitch about your shitty day and your crazy job.”
“Even when it involves not being able to save someone younger than us?” I mumble into her shoulder.
Her arms tighten. “Especially when it involves that.”
I don’t know how long we stand here hugging for, but it seems that with every passing minute, all of the frustrations and fights we’ve had, somehow dissolve away. I know it’s not going to be as easy as this, but I also know it’s a first step in the right direction and right now, I’ll take that.
“So, I’m still your bridesmaid?” I ask, not daring to look as I wait for her answer.
Sarah pulls back, waits for me to meet her stare. “You absolutely are,” she says, smiling even as the tears fall down her cheeks. “If you still want to be of course?”
I nod. “I do, Sarah, really.”
“Good,” she says, pulling me into another hug.
My phone starts to ring now and just as I’m about to pull away and tell Sarah that I really need to get this and I promise I’ll explain why, I feel her arms fall away, watch as she steps back, her eyes on something behind me as she says, “Um, Emma?”
“Yeah?” I nervously ask.
“You care to explain to me what this is all about?”
My eyes follow the line of her now outstretched arm, the finger that is pointing to the side table beside my bed. I feel my cheeks flush at what I know she’s looking at, at the bigger explanation I’m now going to have to offer concerning the empty condom wrappers that litter the surface.
Not for the first time in my life have I wished I wasn’t so hopeless about cleaning my room.
I bite my bottom lip as she turns to face me, an unexpected smile on her face as she says, “You’re seeing someone?”
I shrug, unable to answer that in a way that makes sense. Mostly because I’m not entirely sure what Nick and I are doing just yet.
“Since when?” she asks, the smile widening.
It surprises me, her reaction. I’d expected anger at yet another secret I was hiding from her, but instead I’m getting surprise…maybe a little excitement too.
“That night?” I offer, even though I’m not exactly sure if that’s really true.
“Who?” she asks, confused.
“Um…” I say, stalling as my eyes flick to my now silent phone and I try to work out how to explain this to her. “Maybe I should just show you?” I offer.
“You mean…” She trails off, as though not quite understanding what I’m trying to say.
“Do you want to meet him?” I ask, wondering if I’m going to regret this.
“Ah, yeah!” she says excitedly.
I nod, sure that I will. “Okay, just give me a second to get changed.”