~ Emma
The rest of the week almost feels like we’re back to normal. Nick keeps going back to work each night and actually seems like he’s enjoying it. He’s eating better too and drinking less. And we’re talking more; not necessarily about that night, but about how he’s feeling and how much he wants to fix this.
He still isn’t sleeping that well, the nightmares waking him most nights, but he does seem to be coping with them better. He’s often able to shake it off and actually go back to sleep instead of spending the rest of the night awake in front of the TV.
So we fall into a routine of work and the bar and occasionally spending time with friends who drop by for a drink.
I try to spend as many nights as I can downstairs, even though it means I’m exhausted when I have to get up for work the next morning. It just feels like something Nick needs from me and I don’t want to undo how far we’ve come by bailing on him.
Even though I’d never admit this to him, it feels like some sort of peace has been reached.
Fragile peace, but peace nonetheless.
“Emma!”
I turn; see Adrian walking towards me, waving.
“Hey,” I say, smiling. “What are you doing here?”
He waves a file. “Patient consult,” he says, glancing down the corridor. “I don’t do them often, but every now and then I get asked to come to the hospital. How’s things?”
“Good,” I nod. “Nick’s back working again,” I add.
“Nice,” Adrian says, smiling.
“I took your advice,” I say, half shrugging. “Got him back there. It seems to have helped…a lot.”
“I’m really glad to hear that,” he says.
“I feel like he’s really starting to improve,” I continue, eager to tell him how much things have changed just this past week. “As though he’s finally starting to move past all of this and get back to…”
“Emma,” Adrian says, cutting me off.
“What?”
He offers me a sympathetic smile. “This isn’t going to happen overnight, you know that,” he says. “Nick’s suffering a lot of grief, a lot of stress and trauma, most of which he’s only just beginning to acknowledge. It’s going to take time, especially as we haven’t even discussed Amy’s death yet.”
Adrian’s words hit me with a thud; knocking the joy I was feeling at all the progress Nick’s made right out of me. The worst thing is, I know he’s right too, but I’ve been so blinded by finally seeing him acting normal, that I thought it was all basically over.
God, I’m an idiot.
“Don’t beat yourself up,” he says, placing a hand on my arm. “He will get there, I promise. You both will.”
I nod. “I know.”
“And I know you want it to happen quickly,” he adds.
“No, I get it,” I say quickly, embarrassed by my obvious stupidity. “I get that it’s going to take time, really. I just…”
“You wanted it to happen quickly,” he suggests.
I nod, flushing a little at how stupid that is and especially considering that I really should know better.
“Don’t give up,” he says. “We will get there.”
I take a deep breath, nodding as I meet Adrian’s eyes. They’re kind, sympathetic and I’m reminded of how lucky we are that he’s helping Nick. “I won’t.”
Adrian nods once before glancing at his watch. “I have to go,” he says. “I’ll see you at the usual time tonight?”
I nod again; watch as Adrian smiles once more before turning and walking away. I watch as he disappears down the corridor, turning into a room at the end.
I feel so stupid for thinking we were even close to getting back to normal. Like an idiot for acting the way I just did.
When I walk out of work tonight, Nick’s waiting for me, sitting on the same bench he sat on all those months ago. He smiles as he stands and hands me a coffee, just like that first time, and for a second I stop, wonder if maybe Adrian’s wrong about it all taking time.
“Hey,” he says. “How was work?”
I glance up at him, searching his face for some sort of sign that he’s getting better. But despite the smile, the eyes that are fixed on mine, I know it’s not there. Adrian’s not wrong, I am.
Nick is still in pain and although he might be trying to hide it by going back to work and coming to meet me now, I can see it, right there in his eyes.
“Em?” he prompts.
I shake my head. “Okay,” I tell him. “Ran into Adrian,” I add, not elaborating.
“Huh,” Nick says, not asking for details.
We turn and head towards Adrian’s office in silence. When we arrive, he greets us with a warm smile, as he normally does. He makes no mention of running into me today and neither Nick nor I bring it up either.
Instead he goes through the usual questions, asking Nick how he is, how he’s sleeping and whether he’s gone back to work yet. He doesn’t look at me once, instead praising Nick for going back to the bar and encouraging him to keep it up.
Eventually, he turns to look at me, gives me a quick smile that I can’t decipher before turning back to Nick.
“So, can we talk about the night Amy died?”
And despite how much I wish Nick really were getting better, I suddenly want to ignore all the things we still need to talk about and deal with and instead stay exactly where we are.