~ Emma
I notice the difference as soon as I walk into the apartment. It’s partly due to the music that’s playing and partly due to the amazing smells coming from the kitchen. But as I walk into the room, I can see it’s more than that.
It’s the peace that seems to have settled over this place in the last week or so. A peace, and some sort of easy calmness, that’s been missing from here these past few months.
“Hey,” Nick says, smiling as he leans and gives me a long kiss.
That’s new too.
Not just the genuine smile, but also the kiss that he initiates, the kiss that isn’t an apology or a diversion or a way to stop me from asking questions.
“You hungry?” he asks, handing me a bowl of pasta.
“Starving,” I reply.
“Good,” he says, smiling back at me. “Let’s eat.”
He leads me to the couch, where we sit facing each other. I kick off my shoes and tuck my feet beneath me.
I notice the open bottle of wine, the two glasses and the flickering candles that all sit on the coffee table. This doesn’t just feel new, this feels like turning a corner.
“How was your day?” he asks.
I turn back and find him watching me, a small smile on his face. “How was yours?” I ask.
Nick laughs. “Good, but tell me about yours first.”
So I do. Because even though he used to ask me this as a diversion to all the things he didn’t want to talk about, I soon realised it was actually helping me too. I’d always thought I was protecting myself by not talking about my day and all the shit I’d had to witness, but after these past few months I now realise that talking about it is actually a good thing.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from everything I’ve watched Nick go through, it’s that keeping things bottled up inside is not a good move. But it’s one thing to know it and quite another to do it and so as hard as it is at times, I always tell him.
Still, I know that it works. I’ve not only seen it work for him, I can feel it working for me too. Because when I tell him about my day, the good and the bad, I can feel something amazing start to happen. I leave work behind. I feel myself switching off, closing the door on my day and focusing on being here, with him.
It’s also allowed me to open up to him about other things too. Like the random night Jason and I once shared long before I ever met Nick. The night that we both immediately knew was a mistake and which never went any further. He’d taken it better than I thought he would, even admitting to me the drunken kiss he’d tried to give Amy that week he crashed on her couch.
We talked more about his sister Amy too. Not just about what happened to her, but me looking up her file, Nick disappearing like he did.
I think it helped that both of us had made mistakes, but I knew the trust that came from admitting them is what helped us both get past it all. I knew it strengthened the trust we have for each other now too.
I know it’s not always going to be this easy, that me telling him about my day isn’t somehow going to be a quick way to fix all the stuff I’ve had to witness or that the pain of what happened to Amy isn’t going to haunt him again. But it does help, and for now, it’s enough.
By the time I’ve finished talking, we’ve both finished eating. Nick takes my bowl, but only to put it on the coffee table and hand me some wine. I take the glass, having a small sip before I turn things back on him.
“So, tell me about your day.”
Nick smiles. “It was good.”
I watch him, see the peace that still surrounds him, and for the first time in a long time, I truly believe he means it. “What did you do?” I ask.
Nick shrugs. “Cleaned up around here,” he says. “Went and saw Adrian and then did some stuff downstairs with Tony.”
I study him, searching for more. “You seem…I don’t know…different tonight?”
Nick laughs now. “I do?”
“Yeah,” I say, nodding. “Better?” I cautiously suggest.
He laughs again, sliding closer on the couch as he rests his arm along the back, his fingers brushing against my neck. “I feel better.”
“Really?” I ask, trying to hide the surprise in my voice.
It’s not that I didn’t think he’d ever get better. He has been. I’d just always had to remind myself it would take time, that it wouldn’t happen overnight.
“I know it’s going to take a while,” Nick says, seemingly reading my mind. “And I know some days are going to be worse than others. But honestly, Em, I feel like I’m finally getting there, you know. That maybe one day, none of this will be as painful as it used to be.”
“I’m really glad,” I whisper, brushing my lips against his knuckles. I believe him on this too, because I know now, how badly he wants to get to that point.
Nick smiles. “Something I did do today,” he says a little nervously, “is advertise for a new chef.”
“What, really?” I ask, surprised. I wasn’t sure he’d ever get to this point.
He nods. “Yes, really.”
I stare back at him, unsure what to say because although this is a huge thing for him, maybe one of the biggest things, I don’t want to make too much of it. I don’t want to scare him off or change his mind about it.
“You know,” he says, sliding closer. “This is all because of you, Em.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head.
“Yes.”
“You’re the one doing all the work,” I say, knowing his weekly chat with Adrian is what’s getting him this far. Not me.
“Nope,” he says, shaking his head. “You, Emma. You are what saved me.”
I want to tell him he’s wrong. That I did nothing but reopen an old wound that I know he was trying to heal, even if he wasn’t getting very far or doing it the right way.
But I can’t say anything because he’s kissing me again. And he’s kissing me in a way that he hasn’t done in a very long time.
And I don’t want to change his mind about this either.