~ Nick
The text comes through just as I’m getting to the restaurant. I pull the phone from my pocket, half expecting the worst, but immediately relieved when I see the message.
Emma: on my way, 10 mins.
It’s not that I thought she’d bail on me. I was half expecting her to be late though; even if she has been better with the texting ever since that night I lost my shit wondering where she was.
She’s still often late though, staying back at work long after she’s meant to finish. I know it’s because her job is unpredictable; that she can’t just walk out when her shift is over. She has responsibilities; big ones and they aren’t the kind you can just trade off to someone else, walk out the door and forget about.
I type out a quick reply before sliding my phone into my pocket and walking into the restaurant. Mum and Dad are already inside waiting and they both smile when they see me walk in.
“Hi,” I say to them both, giving them each a hug.
“Where’s Emma?” Mum asks, looking behind me.
“On her way,” I tell her, as we all sit down. “She’s running a little late with work.”
Mum nods sympathetically, as though she understands. They both know what Emma does for a living, I’ve told them a lot about her. I’m close to both of my parents, more so after everything that happened. Despite the fact there is still a part of me that’s convinced they blame me for what happened, they’ve never let me go because of it.
None of us talk about that night. Amy, yes, but not what happened. It’s not for lack of trying on my parents’ part, but just like with everyone else, I shut them down anytime they ask, refusing to rehash the events of that night and all the things that came after. All the ways I fucked up.
A waiter comes over to take our order, but we just get drinks. By the time they arrive, Emma still hasn’t shown up and I’m starting to rethink that bailing on me thing. I pull my phone from my pocket, but just as I’m about to call her, she suddenly appears beside the table.
“Hey,” I say, smiling as I stand and pull her close.
Emma nods at me, her eyes nervously flicking to my parents. I slide an arm around her waist, kissing her cheek as I whisper, “Relax,” in her ear. She does the opposite, her body stiffening beside me.
After I introduce her, we all sit and my parents make small talk with Emma, asking her questions they already know the answers to. I watch her reaction to their attention, the way she only half looks at them and the way she avoids my gaze completely.
I reach for her hand under the table, but she flinches as I slide my fingers into hers and I suddenly want to be anywhere but here so I can ask her what’s wrong. But we don’t get a chance, because the waiter reappears to take our orders.
The rest of the night passes awkwardly. I can tell my parents are trying their best to engage Emma in conversation and while she’s not exactly being rude to them, she’s not being the person I know either.
I’m not sure what’s going on, but this definitely feels like more than just nerves about meeting my parents for the first time.
Eventually, dinner finishes and we all make a move. I hug Mum and Dad goodbye and watch as they both hug Emma, who hugs them both back in a way that’s half affectionate and half relief.
After they disappear in a cab, I turn to her. “You’re coming over, right?” I ask, knowing she has tomorrow off.
She finally turns to look at me. “Do you want me to?”
“Of course,” I say, confused. I thought we’d been together long enough now that me wanting her to stay was a given. That it wasn’t even something I’d have to ask. “Why wouldn’t I?”
Emma says nothing, just shakes her head as she turns and starts walking. I fall in step beside her, grabbing her hand and pulling her closer. She doesn’t look at me, staring straight ahead as though she’s focused on some imaginary point in front of us.
Eventually, the silence becomes unbearable and I have to say something. “You okay, Em?”
She nods, says nothing.
“You sure, because it seems like something’s bothering you?”
She shakes her head. “No.”
“You’re not still nervous about the whole meeting my parents thing are you?” I ask even knowing it’s more than that.
She shakes her head again. “No, they’re lovely. It was really nice meeting them. I had a good time.”
A half laugh escapes me. “Really?” I ask, surprised. “Because it didn’t seem like it.”
Emma says nothing as we cross the street and nothing as we round the corner to my apartment. I can hear the noise spilling from my bar, the crowds of people that have come out on a warm spring night.
Normally I’d suggest we go in and join them, not to work, but just to grab a drink, chat with people, but it doesn’t feel like that kind of night. Instead, I slide my key into the door next to the bar, the two of us walking up the stairs to my apartment in silence.
By the time we walk inside though, this awkward silence is practically deafening and I can’t bear it anymore.
“Em, what’s going on?” I ask, turning to face her.
“Nothing,” she says, throwing her bag on the couch.
I watch as she picks up Oscar, seemingly absorbed in my cat and completely ignoring me, and whatever’s going on with her. With us.
“Bullshit,” I say, staring at her. “Did something happen at work?”
She shoots me a quick glance, her eyes wide. “No.”
I stop for a second, debating whether I should push it because I can tell it’s a lie. “You sure about that?” I ask, knowing I have to, regardless of how uncomfortable things are going to get. “Because this,” I add, gesturing between us. “Whatever this is. It feels like more than just freaking out over meeting my parents.”
“It’s nothing,” she says, putting Oscar down as she walks into the kitchen.
I follow her, determined not to let her shut me out, knowing this fall back reaction of hers has already caused problems in her other relationships and in ours.
“It’s not nothing, Emma,” I say, standing behind her. “Talk to me, please.”
Emma stands and stares at the fridge even though the door is shut. Her body is stiff and I can practically feel the tension that’s coming from it. I watch as she takes a deep breath before turning and meeting my stare.
I wait for her to speak, to tell me whatever it is that’s going on with her right now, but she still says nothing. I’m starting to understand how Sarah must have felt; am reminded of how I felt after that night we first met when she ran off. The way she could barely speak to me after I found her again.
“What, you’re not going to say anything?”
Emma shakes her head, her eyes flicking between the floor and me.
“Why not?” I ask her.
“There’s nothing to say,” she whispers, her eyes on the floor.
“Yes, there is,” I say, stepping closer. I slide my fingers under her chin, tilting it so she’s forced to look at me. “Tell me what’s going on.”
Emma shakes her head; fear in her eyes as she stares up at me that has me wondering what the hell this can possibly be about.
“Why can’t you tell me?” I ask, my voice softening.
Her eyes close now, as the whispered, “I can’t,” falls from her lips.
A frisson of fear winds its way down my spine, even as my brain is unable to process what it is that’s caused it.
“You can,” I whisper, leaning in to press a kiss to her lips. “Talk to me, Em. Please?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispers quickly.
I pull back a little. “Tell you what?” I ask, confused.
“Why didn’t you tell me Amy was…”
The sudden screaming in my head is so loud that I don’t hear the rest. I don’t need to anyway and I sure as shit don’t want to.
It takes only a second for my body process exactly what she’s just said to me and as soon as it does it hits me, instantly, like a hard punch to the gut. I actually feel the wind being knocked out of me, and it’s crippling, even though nothing physical has touched me.
But then the anger kicks in and overrides everything else.
I feel my body stiffen as I take a step backwards, my hand falling from her face. I open my mouth as though to speak but no words come out. It’s probably just as well because I’m not sure what I’m capable of saying right now.
I only know none of it will be good.
“Nick,” she says, stepping towards me. “Nick, I’m…I’m sorry…I…”
I take another step back, shaking my head in warning. I have no idea how she can possibly know this information. There’s no way my parents would’ve told her at dinner and in any case, they never had the chance. None of us left the table the whole night.
“Please,” she says, reaching for me now. “Please just let me…”
I shake my head again.
“I…” She pauses, biting her bottom lip as she looks up at me. I can see the questions she’s dying to ask but I don’t want to answer any of them. Don’t want to even hear them. “I’m sorry, okay. You’re right, something did happen at work and I…I took a chance and…and well, there…there it was.”
I stare at her, trying to work out what the hell she’s talking about.
“Believe me, I didn’t deliberately set out to look,” she continues as if I’ve got any clue. “But we had this patient and she…she’d attempted…”
And that’s when it hits me, what she’s done. I don’t hear anything else she says though, because that screaming in my head only gets louder, blocking it all out.
How the fuck could she do this to me?
“Nick?” she says, reaching for my hand.
I snatch it away, stepping backwards as that anger is now replaced with fury. Fury at what she’s done. Fury at the questions she’s asking me. Fury at the lame attempt she’s making to justify it. It’s all bullshit and I don’t want to hear another fucking word.
“How could you?” I spit out, the words falling like venom as I finally find my voice.
Emma shakes her head, stepping closer. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to.”
“You didn’t mean to?” I ask, incredulous, my words laced with sarcasm. “What, you just accidentally looked?”
Emma freezes, a foot of space between us. The air is thick with tension and anger and betrayal. My body feels as though it’s coiled so tight it’s going to explode at any second, shattering whatever might be left of us.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers, but it’s too late for that.
I shake my head at her words. “I trusted you,” I say. “I can’t believe you…you…”
She reaches for me again but I don’t want to be here anymore. I can barely even look at her, let alone touch her.
So I step backwards, watch the hurt as it fills her eyes. Feel nothing in response before I turn my back on her and walk out of my apartment and away from this.
Away from her.