~ Emma
Neither of us sleeps, but that’s to be expected. When the alarm goes off at six, I silence it immediately before glancing over at Nick. He’s lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. When he feels me watching him, he turns to face me, offering a weak smile.
“Are you okay?” I ask, even though I know what his answer will be.
I hadn’t told Nick last night about what was happening today. After I called Jason and asked him for help, I couldn’t bring myself to admit it all to Nick. Part of me was afraid he’d be pissed I’d betrayed him again and part of me was afraid he’d say no to what I wanted him to do.
It’s not like I’d told Jason everything, far from it. All I’d done is ask him for another week off and the name of a good psychiatrist. He’d immediately freaked out, thinking it was something to do with me.
“It’s not,” I’d told him. “I’m okay, really.”
“Then what’s going on, Emma?” he’d asked.
I hadn’t known how to answer that, not wanting to admit too much but at the same time, knowing I had to say something. “You remember when you asked if there was anything you could do?” I’d asked him.
“Yeah.”
“Well, this is that something,” I’d said. “Only it’s not for me, it’s for my…my boyfriend.”
It was the first time I’d ever called Nick that. First time I’d admitted it out loud, and it felt weird to be doing it for the first time with my boss.
“Oh,” he’d said, as though he wasn’t sure what to make of my request. “Um, can you give me ten minutes?”
“Okay,” I’d answered, not sure what he’d meant by that either.
Jason had hung up, only to call me back a few minutes later. “Dr Adrian Burrows,” he’d said. “He’s a friend and a good guy. He’ll see your…he’ll see you tomorrow at seven. I’ll text you the address.”
I hadn’t known what to say, shocked that he’d come through for me. Shocked he’d even believed me after I’d barely said anything about what this was all about.
“Emma?” he’d said when I still hadn’t said anything.
“Yes, sorry, I’m here,” I’d said quickly. “Thank you, really.”
“Of course,” Jason had answered. “And next week is cool too, okay?”
“Thank you, Jason,” I’d whispered, perilously close to tears again.
I’d heard the long exhale down the phone. “Are you really okay, Emma?”
I’d nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. “Yes,” I’d whispered.
“Okay,” he’d said, even though I’m not sure he believed me. “Well, if there’s anything else you need, just let me know.”
“There won’t be,” I’d promised him, knowing I’d already pushed things far enough. God knows what he thought of me now and god knows how I was ever going to be able to face him back at work.
“Well, if there is,” he’d said before he’d hung up.
Now I find myself facing Nick, wondering how the hell I’m ever going to make him be okay with what I want him to do this morning.
“Nick?’ I prompt.
“I don’t know,” he eventually says, rolling onto his side so we are facing each other. It’s the first time he’s ever come close to admitting that things aren’t okay with him.
“It’s going to be alright,” I tell him, brushing my fingers across his cheek. “We’re going to fix this.”
Nick nods, saying nothing more as he pulls me against him, holding me tight as though he’s afraid to let me go.
The doctor walks into the waiting room and smiles warmly, which does nothing to calm Nick’s nerves. His body is radiating nervous energy, has been ever since we walked in here, his foot tapping out a constant rhythm on the floor as he holds my hand in a vice-like grip.
I’d expected him to freak out when he’d found out where we were going, but he hadn’t said anything, just silently followed me into the office. We are the only ones in here and I know that’s because Jason has called in a favour. I’m not sure how I’m ever going to thank him for this.
“Nick?” the doctor asks. He’s younger than I expected.
Nick nods, but says nothing.
“I’m Adrian,” he continues. “Do you want to come through?”
Nick glances at the open door behind him before turning to me. I offer him what I hope is an encouraging smile.
“Can Emma come?” he asks.
His request surprises me. I’d expected some anger at the fact I’d brought him here, definitely some resistance to trying this, but I hadn’t expected him to want to talk about it all in front of me. I didn’t think this was what he wanted to do at all. I mean it’s part of why we’re in this mess in the first place.
But Adrian shows no surprise, smiling at both of us as he says, “Of course. Whatever makes you feel comfortable.”
Nick glances at me again and I smile in encouragement. We both stand and follow Adrian into an open and light-filled office. He gestures towards a couch that faces two single chairs, one of which he takes as both of us sit on the couch. Nick still hasn’t let go of my hand.
“Emma, you work with Jason, is that right?”
I nod, weirdly nervous. “I do.”
Adrian smiles. “Do you like it?”
It’s the wrong question to ask, but I still nod and say, “Yes.”
Adrian nods as though this all makes sense. “Jason and my sister went to med school together,” he continues, as though he knows these are all questions I want to know the answers to. “I followed a couple of years later.”
I nod, not knowing what to say. Despite working with him for six months, I don’t really know anything about Jason’s personal life and it feels strange getting this tiny insight from someone who is essentially a stranger. What’s even weirder is wondering how much Jason has said to him about me. Whether he ever admitted to that awkward night in the past where we both made a huge mistake.
“Anyway,” Adrian says, turning to Nick as if sensing my discomfit. “Should we make a start?”
Nick tenses beside me, as though he’s about to bolt any second. That nervous energy that was pouring off him in the waiting room has only magnified since we walked in here and no amount of friendly chitchat or me being here is doing anything to make it stop.
“You okay?” I whisper, turning to face him.
Nick shakes his head, eyes on the floor.
“Nick,” Adrian says, his voice different now. Gone is the friendly chatter and in its place is something more. Professional, but at the same time, reassuring, as though he somehow understands everything Nick is going through. “I want you to know,” he continues. “That in this room, you should feel comfortable. As painful and scary as this might all feel, that’s the last thing I want. So we’re going to start easy, okay? And today we’ll only talk about why you’ve come to see me.”
Nick nods again, even though I’m not sure Adrian’s words have even registered.
“And,” Adrian continues. “If you want Emma to be here when we do talk, that’s perfectly fine with me.”
Nick glances at me again and I smile, nod in agreement, before he turns back to Adrian. “Okay,” he eventually gets out.
“Great,” Adrian says, smiling as he reaches for a notebook on the coffee table that sits between us. “So, can we start by talking about that night?”
“What?” Nick blurts out, his fingers tightening in mine.
Adrian smiles reassuringly. “Not that far back,” he says. “I just want to start with the night that triggered this,” he says.