CHAPTER THREE
Violet
It’s been a week since I got out of the hospital, and I’m settling into a new routine, a new normal for me. Part of that new normal is having Anthony parked in front of my house almost every night. The other day he even did it in his own personal vehicle.
I’ve taken to texting him when he arrives, to thank him for being out there, but we haven’t really had a conversation since he brought me home. I have a feeling that’s more my doing than his, and he’s waiting for me to give him an opening. Tonight, I’m trying to create that opening.
Taking the hamburger off the grill pan I’ve cooked it on, I plate it on a bun with the ketchup, mustard, mayo, and relish I know he likes. Every time he comes into The Café, it’s how he orders his. I have one for myself too; eating is still a little difficult, but not as much as it had been when I first came home. Grabbing both of the plates and a bag with drinks and chips, I take a deep breath and head out my front door, toward the squad car he’s parked in.
“Vi? Everything good?”
“Yeah.” I offer him a small smile. “Just thought maybe you’d like a homecooked meal and maybe you’d like to share it with me?”
The smile that spreads across his face is so bright, it’s almost as if I just gave him the key to the city. He opens the car door and sits on the hood, motioning for me to do the same. Taking the plates from me, he puts them down and helps me as I get my balance. “I’d love to have dinner with a beautiful woman.”
His stomach growls and we both laugh. We hardly talk while we eat, but being around another person is nice and I’m thankful there’s no anxiety. Maybe, just maybe I can find a way to live my life without looking over my shoulder or behind my back. If anyone can teach me, I know it’s the guy beside me eating a hamburger in all of three bites.
“Hungry?”
He looks a little chagrined. “Starving. This was perfect.”
And I find that as I’m finishing up my burger, and sharing the bag of chips with him – it truly is.
“I gotta go.” He wipes his mouth, patting his stomach. “I have to do my normal rounds. I’ll check in again tonight before I go off-shift though.”
A part of me is disappointed he’s leaving. I’ve come to enjoy knowing he’s here. “Thanks for checking on me.”
His hand moves toward my face, knuckles out. On instinct I jerk back, and his hand freezes in mid-air.
“Sorry,” we both say the word at the same time.
“Shouldn’t have done that,” he runs the hand through his hair.
Against my better judgement, I ask the question running through my mind. “What were you going to do?”
Slowly he turns towards me, his knees slightly touching mine. I close my eyes and force myself to relax.
“Open those eyes, Vi. I want you to know what’s going to happen, I don’t want you to tense up in fear. Open eyes here, sweetheart. You’re gonna see what’s coming at you with me.”
My eyes open and I pull my bottom lip in between my teeth, biting so that I feel a little sting. To remind myself I’m in control. Following his hand with my gaze, I watch as his long finger extends from his fisted hand, and then crooks before he places it under my chin. He lifts my face, silently asking me to meet his eyes. When I do, I see no anger, no hostility. There’s concern, and compassion. Finally, he speaks.
“There’s no one else I’d rather be checking up on. It’s truly my pleasure. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t want to be.”
So many thoughts swirl in my head, and before I can stop it, another question pushes past my lips. “Why me?”
“Why not you?” He grins, his sense of humor and playfulness coming through.
There’s a smile on my face, and a laugh on my breath. Two things I haven’t experienced in a long time. “Seriously, Anthony.”
“Everything, Violet. You’re everything.”
I shake my head, the tears coming quickly, like they do so often lately. “I’m nothing.”
He takes a chance, removing the finger from under my chin and placing his palm on my cheek, cupping it with gentle pressure. “To him you were nothing, to me you’re everything. Sooner or later, you’ll figure out I’m not him. You’ll figure out I’m a patient man, and realize how great love can be. It doesn’t have to hurt, Vi. Sometimes it can be great.”
Opening my mouth, I want to refute everything he’s said to me, but his radio makes a loud noise, and he’s jumping off the hood of his car. Reaching up, he helps me down, and before I know it, he’s gone, blue and white’s swirling atop the cruiser.
As I watch his taillights fade in the distance, I ask for one more miracle to happen. Not like I deserve it, but I want it either way.
Maybe one day, I’ll see myself the way he sees me.
* * *
“Violet Miller.”
Another part of my new normal? Visiting a therapist. It hadn’t even been on my radar. Not until Whitney showed up at my door, demanding to know if I was okay. Apparently the group had put her in charge because of her past, and she had given me her best advice. Talk to someone, she’d said, and after last night, I feel like she was probably right.
Standing up, I tug the shoulder strap of my purse up and try to walk with my head held high through the waiting room. It’s a blur, as they take my information, and then leave me to presumably wait for the doctor. I’m playing on my phone, to keep myself from going crazy.
A: Have a good day today. I’m sorry if I overstepped a boundary last night, but it needed to be said.
V: I’m seeing a therapist today, only because I truly want to believe the things you tell me.
Why is it so much easier to say things over text with him? Lord, I wish I could talk to him as easily as I could text him. My phone dings with a response from him right as the door opens.
“Violet?”
“That’s me,” I put my phone back in my purse, and give my full attention to the situation I’m in.
A woman looking a little older than me enters. “I’m Dr. Whitmer, nice to meet you.” She has a seat, before leaning in to offer me her hand. The grip is firm, and in that moment, I decide the next person I meet I will have enough confidence in myself to give them a handshake like the one she gave me.
“You wanna tell me a little bit about why you’re here?” She crosses her legs, sitting back in her chair, as she holds her pen at the ready.
Like diarrhea of the mouth my whole story flows without stopping. I speak so long that my jaw begins to ache, and when I’m done, I feel as if I’ve gone ten rounds with a boxing champ.
“Jesus.” She takes her glasses off, setting them down on her lap with the notebook she’s been writing in. “After all that’s happened to you, what do you want for you?”
Not many people have ever asked me that question. Brent never did, that’s for damn sure. Immediately, last night flashes back to me, and I know without a doubt what I want, who I want to be.
“I want to be a woman strong enough to believe a man loves her, not because he wants to control her, but because he wants to be her partner. I want to be strong enough and confident enough to be that partner for another man.”
A smile spreads across her face. “Then that’s what you’ll be, Violet.” She leans forward, a piece of notebook paper in her hand. “And this is how we’re going to get you there. We’ll see each other a few times a month until you feel like you don’t need me anymore.”
Looking at the plan she’s laid out, I feel some things I haven’t in a long time. Excitement and hope – like I just might make it through this after all.