CHAPTER FIVE
Violet
My hand shakes as I put a portion of my hair in a braid and pull it halfway back into the locks trailing down my shoulders. Half-up/half-down is one of my favorite ways to style my hair. Brent hated when I would play with my hairstyle like this – anything that was playful, fun, or age appropriate, he would sneer his nose up at. He preferred for me to wear it pulled back in a bun style that was so severe, it made me look like I was in my forties. Given the way I never smiled, never met anyone’s gaze – I probably did look like I was in my forties. Some miser who hated her life, and for a while I did. But I’ve come to realize over the past few weeks that’s so not me.
Not many people know I’m actually twenty-nine. Much too young to feel this damn old. Isn’t that a song or something? Once upon a time, I was someone who loved life, enjoyed pushing limits, and woke up every day looking forward to whatever adventure might be mine. Of all the things he took from me, that’s one of the things I miss the most, and probably why I’m so attracted to Anthony. The way he embraces every second of every day really does it for me, if I’m being honest.
“You can do whatever you want to now, Vi.” I remind myself. There’s no one to tell me yes or no, other than myself. Typically, I don’t wear makeup when working because Brent didn’t like that either. He didn’t want me to encourage what he called unwanted attention. Didn’t want another man to hit on me, or make me feel pretty. Just another way he controlled me and kept me afraid.
Flipping my middle finger up to the memory of my husband and the fear he forced me into, I grab the small bag of makeup I allowed myself to have. Rifling through it, I wish like hell this had been the first thing I did when I’d come home. Maybe that means I’m starting to heal, maybe I’m moving on from being the scared person I’ve been the past few years of my life. Hopefully the Violet I had been before I married Brent is starting to show herself.
Teenage Violet had been strong until one incident made her feel weaker than she’d ever felt – at least until what I’ve been through now. She’d been searching for something, someone to make sense of a tragedy. To make her feel again.
Funny, adult Violet is doing the same thing.
It’s going to take longer than a few weeks, that I’m fully aware of, but just the small glimpse of who I used to be puts a smile on my face. Finishing up my mascara I run the palms of my hands down my jeans and take a fortifying breath. Grabbing my bag, my phone, and my keys, I’m ready to start my first day back at The Café.
As I step onto the front porch, I take in the sun coming up over the horizon and vow to embrace this new day, the new beginning that I’m being given. Stepping off the bottom step and turning to my car, I sigh and let a small smile spread across my face.
Anthony is parked there, leaning against his personal vehicle. This is the man who’s quietly been my rock the last few weeks. Between the texts, sitting outside my house, sharing dinner with me, and just being a presence, he’s helped me more than anyone or anything else has. In the beginning I worried I was leaning on him too much, but the fact of the matter is, there’s no one else I trust like him. For him to know what I need before I ask for it? I’m blessed to have him in my life.
My heart does this little flutter that it hasn’t done in a long time. Years, if I’m being honest. His legs are crossed at the ankle, encased in jeans that fit loosely enough to show me a little of what he has underneath them. A fitted gray t-shirt stretches across his chest as he braces his palms against the grill of the truck, pushing off and slowly walking toward me.
“What are you doing here?” My eyes take in his face, covered with stubble, dark circles call attention to the pale green of his eyes, and a sleepiness gives him a sexy laziness as he stops in front of me. “You look tired.”
He yawns loudly, the chiseled jaw cracking as he puts a hand over his mouth to hold it back. “I am. I worked the night shift. Got off around midnight. Three hours sleep is rough, but I can handle it. I wanted to see you this morning.” He reaches out grasping hold of the end of my braid. “I like your hair like this.”
The words please me immensely. I try not to look into the fact that I probably did this, not only for me, but for him too. I hadn’t expected him to be here this morning, but I had expected to see him sometime today. “Thank you. Now what are you doing here?”
Reaching into his jeans with his free hand, he pulls his keys out, flipping them into the palm of his hand. “I’m here to take you to work. It’ll be a rough day for you, regardless of how ready you are to go back. You may need support, and I wanna be there.”
“You’ve been here a lot.” I swallow against the lump that’s popped up in my throat. When I think about everything he’s done for me, that lump is a constant. Sometimes, I sit back and can’t believe the goodness he’s brought to my life.
“Only because I’ve wanted to be.” He continues playing with the end of my hair. I want to curl into his caress, purr like a cat, and let him pet me everywhere. It’s been too long since a man touched me so softly.
“You’re a good man,” I whisper as he drops my hair and lets his hand cup my cheek. This time I do curl into his caress, but I keep from purring. That would be a little too weird for both of us.
His head shakes as the side of his mouth tilts up. “I’m just a guy who wants to show you there are good men out there.”
“Trust me, Anthony.” I lean in, kissing him on the cheek. “You’re doing a really good job of it.”
“Let’s go.” He hitches his head toward his truck.
I let my hand fall, grasping his lightly as he helps me step on the running board and take the passenger seat. As he turns to head for town, I look in the side-view mirror, seeing my home in the distance. There could be a metaphor here, me leaving my past behind as I drive toward my future. This is something that would have scared me before, would have given me so much anxiety I would have re-thought the situation and decided to stay where it was comfortable. My fear of change kept me with Brent for so long, I almost didn’t live to see my way out. Crazy how things work in life.
Across the console, Anthony reaches over, grabbing my hand. His every action has shown me that he will help me go where it’s uncomfortable, he will be by my side when it doesn’t feel like I can handle what I’ve been dealt. I hold onto his fingers for dear life, and I know that with him by my side, I can do anything I put my mind to.
For a moment, I close my eyes, center myself, and realize I’m ready. This may not be easy, but it’ll totally be worth it.
* * *
“Violet!!!”
I hear the high-pitched squeal before I even make it inside the building. There’s a small hesitation as I come to the doorway of The Café; I feel a small push of foreboding, a little bit of dread. I know that I must overcome it. If I don’t, every time I walk inside, every time I drive down the street, or when I happen to think about it will be a hard moment to overcome. Instead I have to choose happiness. I have to choose excitement, and I need to remember this greeting one of my best friends is giving me. “I’m so glad you’re back!”
I’ve missed Leighton, almost forgetting how contagious her smile and good mood are. When you’re around her you can’t help but have a good time. She makes sure of it. She runs to me, hugging me tightly around the neck, whispering words of encouragement in my ear. “I’m glad I’m back too.” I squeeze her hard. Regret hitting me hardcore that I haven’t made time to see her, that I haven’t allowed her to be a part of this recovery process. At first I’d thought I needed it to be singular, but now, looking at her, I realize we’ve all been recovering. “I’m sorry I haven’t seen you,” I whisper.
“Don’t even.” She pulls back, shaking her head, not accepting the apology. “Don’t even. We all deal with things the way we need to. I’ve had Ace keeping tabs on you, and he’s been assuring me you’re fine.” She looks over at him, an eyebrow raised as she turns her gaze back to me, looking for confirmation that he hasn’t lied to her.
I struggle for what to say. What is there to say? I’m obviously not a hundred percent, but I’m good enough to be here right now. There’s not a magic wand I can wave and make everything okay again. If there were, I would have waved it the day I got out of the hospital. Instead, I answer as honestly as I can.
“I’m gettin’ there.”
And I say the words, I realize I’m telling the truth. Glancing at the table I’d been sitting at when Brent attacked me, I feel nauseous and light-headed, but I tamp it down. He will only have power if I give it to him, and I refuse to give him anything else to use against me. I force myself to look closely at the table. Imagine myself sitting there and run through the memory of what happened that day. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. The only person who can force me to face the truth is me.
Looking around the room, I see regulars sitting in their favorite booths. Ernie’s come out from behind the grill, a huge smile showing teeth we never see on his face, and it looks like even Caleb has made the trip over before school. He’s got a proud smile on his face, and it feels good to know all of these people have come here for me, that in some small way, I’ve made them proud. If I’m not mistaken, outside, members of the Moonshine Task Force are loitering, drinking coffee, but at the same time keeping an eye on what’s going on inside. All of these things combined reiterate the fact that this is home. I’ve made the right decision in staying here, in allowing these people to be friends, allowing them to be a part of my life.
“You okay?” Anthony asks. His voice is quietly reassuring, giving me the encouragement I need. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking, if he’s wondering that he pushed me too hard, that maybe I should have waited a few more days before I came back here.
Truth be told, I’d almost come back in the dead of the night to face this place, without the prying eyes of friends and community. But that had felt like a coward’s way out. I can say with total assurance right now this is the way I was meant to do it, and I’m glad I’ve been able to push myself this way. I no longer want to hide in the shadows, pretend that things don’t bother me, and live my life only turned half-way up. Now, I want to experience it at full volume.
“Everything’s good.”
And I realize for the first time in a long while it’s the truth; I believe those words and I’m ready to live them. The only thing holding me back now is me.