I had been wrong about road trips.

Okay, sure, sometimes they felt like freedom or fun or peace. But those feelings were exactly the opposite of how I felt now, crammed in Colby’s overpacked SUV with him, Tony, Austin, and Sebastian, driving down a long mountain road to get to our camping spot. This felt more like being trapped somewhere and taken against my will. Jelly was along for the ride too, taking turns curling up in Sebastian’s lab and jumping up to the front seat with Tony.

At the very least, I was happy to finally be out of Ellisville for the first time in a week. And fine, over the last week the town had grown on me a little—there were plenty of sweet old ladies and bizarre events and beautiful sunsets—but still, I felt completely out of place.

People were so nice. I didn’t know if I knew how to be nice anymore.

In fact, the only time I’d really felt like I belonged had been when I went to the bar with Sebastian a few nights ago. I’d been blindsided by his invitation. My initial reaction had been to say no, and I had said no at first, but… the minute I had left the Starlight Diner, it hadn’t felt right. I was drawn back to Sebastian. And for the first time in over a month, going to spend time with someone had felt better than going back home to be alone.

I never would have guessed that I could actually enjoy spending time with Sebastian, but slowly his personality had stopped seeming grating and started to actually be comforting. Sure, he was nothing like me, and yes, he did everything at about five times the speed I would ever do it, but there was a goodness in his heart that was plain to see.

I found myself wishing that it was just me and him in this car, instead of having to deal with the veritable tornado that was Tony and Austin.

“So we’re gonna play a game,” Tony was saying from the passenger seat. He used his hands to gesticulate while he spoke, as though he was talking to a room full of third-graders rather than a car full of adult men.

“I don’t feel like playing a game, dude,” Austin said in a curt tone. He was sitting on the opposite end of the long back seat, and Sebastian was sandwiched in between the two of us.

“I actually agree with Austin,” I said.

“The game goes like this,” Tony continued, ignoring us. “It’s called Never Have I Ever. We take turns naming certain activities, and you have to raise your hand if you’ve done the activity. I’ll keep score, and whoever has done the most things is the winner.”

“Everybody knows how to play Never Have I Ever,” Colby said from the driver’s seat.

“Yeah, because everyone played it in college, and that’s probably where it should stay,” I said.

“I think it could be fun,” Sebastian said, turning to me and giving me a little nudge. “That’s what it’s all about, being a groomsman. Acting like you’re in college again. Right?”

“Okay, I’ve got the first one,” Austin called out. “Never have I ever annoyed an entire car full of guys because my name is Tony and my head is up my ass.”

“Austin, stop,” Colby said, waving a hand toward the back seat. “For God’s sake, I feel like I’m a mom driving a minivan full of kids to soccer practice.”

“That’s about the maturity level we’ve got going here,” I said, and Sebastian turned to share a smile with me.

“You all really don’t know how to have fun, do you?” Tony asked, shaking his head. “Okay. Fine. I’m going first. Never have I ever… had a one-night stand.”

Everyone in the car raised their hands except Colby.

“What?” Tony shouted, laughing. “Colbs! You’ve never done it?”

“Never felt the need to,” Colby said. “I like getting to know women before I sleep with them.”

“A true romantic, we’ve got up here,” Tony said. He then turned to face the three of us in the back seat. “You all have done it. Sebastian, the men of Ellisville like to have one-night stands, eh?”

“They do indeed,” Sebastian said. “Especially the ones who aren’t admitting they’re gay yet. You’d be surprised how many guys have come to the diner and then end up in my bed.”

Tony let out a long howl of approval. “Hoo boy! We’ve got a player on our hands back here!”

Sebastian shook his head. “Oh, please. My one-night stand days are largely over. I haven’t done anything like that in years.”

I don’t know why a sense of relief washed over me as I heard that. I shouldn’t have cared what Sebastian’s sex life was like, but some part of me was glad that he wasn’t constantly having sex with beautiful, buff mountain men. I knew Sebastian could probably get any guy he wanted, though.

“Pretty much the same for me,” I said, shrugging. “Back in the day, before I was in long-term relationships.”

Tony nodded. “Respectable,” he said. “How about you, Austin?”

“I raised my hand. I answered the question. You don’t get to know details,” Austin said, keeping his head turned out toward the window.

“Ooh, Austin still is gettin’ tail from one-night stands even now!” Tony said, cackling with delight. He adjusted the baseball hat he was wearing and then turned back toward the front. “All right, who’s next?”

“Never have I ever…” Colby offered, “...sent someone nude pictures.”

Tony, Colby, and Sebastian raised their hands.

“I see, I see,” Tony said, nodding. “We’ve got some true gentlemen in the car. Zane, you’ve never done it?”

“Naw,” I said. “Not to say I wouldn’t. It just hasn’t come up, I guess.”

“Never have I ever come too quickly,” Austin said, and for the first time today there was a grin on his face. Colby and Tony burst out laughing, and Sebastian just calmly raised his hand.

“Sebastian!” Tony said, still laughing.

“Yeah, I’ll admit it; I have too,” Colby said, raising a hand.

“When things are super hot, and you’re in the moment, sometimes it just… happens,” Sebastian said with a shrug.

Fuck. The four of them continued chatting, but I sort of drifted off after that comment, but I couldn’t tell you what they had talked about, because Sebastian’s comment had short-circuited my brain. I had always found it stupidly hot whenever guys came too quick with me—I saw it as more of a compliment than anything, and it was especially hot if they came quickly while I was fucking them.

And for some reason, all I could picture now was Sebastian doing just that. Sebastian spoke so openly about his past sexual exploits, and his confidence was… intriguing. I’d always been shy talking about it, especially with people I didn’t know as well, but Sebastian just laid everything out on the table.

It was amazing. And if I thought too long and hard about it, it was probably going to seem a little too appealing to me.

I was starting to become aware of the fact that the side of Sebastian’s body was pressed against mine; the softness of his arm against mine, the warmth of his thigh along the side of my own.

It felt good to have that human contact, even if it was only there because we were stuck together on this road trip.

After a few more minutes on the road, even Tony started to calm down. The rise and fall of the car through the mountains lulled us, and before long, we started to doze off, one by one. I could smell the faint scent of Sebastian’s shampoo.

So I let myself enjoy it. I decided to let myself enjoy the feeling of being next to him. It was innocent, after all—I was just enjoying his scent and his presence. It wasn’t as if it were anything serious.

And I was dozing, too. If I wasn’t half-asleep, I probably wouldn’t have let myself go down the train of thought that I was on. But my defenses were down, and Sebastian was close, and that’s all I really cared about in that moment.

Two hours later, I woke up with a start. The car had stopped, and an even thicker pine forest now surrounded us when I looked out the window. Nobody was in the front seat anymore.

There was a warm weight on my shoulder, and I realized that Sebastian had fallen asleep, his body sinking even closer against mine. He was breathing lightly, and I felt a lock of his hair against my collarbone.

He fit against me perfectly. Like he belonged there. Like it was the most natural thing in the world.

And Jesus Christ, it hit me like a million bricks.

Suddenly I felt almost dizzy at the startling intimacy of such a simple thing. I didn’t move an inch, just sitting and processing. This was even more human contact than before, and it stirred in me a sense of affection toward Sebastian that I probably didn’t deserve.

Where the hell was this coming from? Was I really that lonely? Would any contact feel so special, or… was it because it was Sebastian, somehow?

I felt like I could just live in that moment forever, the two of us in the car, relaxing, suspended in the afternoon sunlight, and I might be okay. To most people, it would have been nothing. But over the past month—maybe longer than that—I’d slowly come to assume that little moments like these might never be a part of my life again.

Here it was, though.

Of course this little moment wouldn’t last forever. Sebastian wasn’t “a part of my life,” anyway—he was someone I would likely only see for the next couple weeks, and then never again. I was being silly and confused and maybe even pathetic. And I could see now that Colby, Tony, and Austin were just outside, already setting up the campsite, and they’d be coming back to unpack the car anytime now.

What the hell are you doing, Zane? The question thrummed in my mind. Lonely old man. Sitting here shocked just because an attractive guy fell asleep on you.

Snap. Out. Of. It.

I put my hand against Sebastian, shaking him gently. “Hey. We’re here,” I said.

He shifted but clearly didn’t wake up. He reached one arm up, and it landed across my chest as he snuggled even closer to me.

I could feel my entire body lighting up, panic and raw excitement jolting through me all at once.

“Sebastian,” I said a little louder, trying to wake him. I almost felt guilty, like if he woke up and found himself doing this, he’d regret it.

“Baby,” he muttered, his voice barely audible.

Christ almighty. He was in deep sleep. I tried to ignore every part of me that was responding to Sebastian holding me tight and accidentally calling me fucking “baby,” and instead I just sat forward until he slumped off me.

“We’re here. Wake up. Time to get out of the car,” I said loudly, unbuckling my seat belt.

“Hmm?” he hummed, slowly sitting up, blinking his eyes at me. For a split second his usual energy was nowhere to be found while he was still half-asleep. His hair was mussed, but his eyes were calm and peaceful, almost like he would have been content to go right back to sleep against me.

“We made it,” I said. And without thinking, I reached out to push his hair back into place. It was soft under my fingers, and I regretted the decision immediately.

Not because I didn’t like it, but because it had felt too good.

“Ready to go camping?” I said, averting my eyes from him and opening up the door at my side.

Some flush had returned to his cheeks by now, and his eyes seemed much more alert. “Oh. Yes! Definitely. Right—camping.”

He slid over on the seat and out the door that Austin had left open, moving away from me. And now I really, finally couldn’t deny it.

I missed the way he felt against me.

And that feeling was one hundred percent, full-throttle terrifying.

The campground looked like something that would be on the front of a postcard. The land wasn’t just rocks and dirt and twigs, like a lot of the campgrounds I’d been to east of LA, but instead was covered in lush, green grass. The land stretched out in front of us before giving way to the tall, looming mountains, which completely covered the horizon. It made me feel like I had been transported to some other time, a time before technology and cars and anything other than the land.

It was perfect. And yet now I was sitting in my tent, alone, with tears of frustration falling down my face.

I had been amazed how smoothly it went setting up the tents—we had three of them: one that I brought, one that Colby brought, and one that Austin had brought specifically only for himself. The setup was painless, and there hadn’t even been any fights that broke out yet between… well, between anyone and Austin. Sebastian had taken to trying to train Jelly to roll over and was now sitting with her on the grass, doing better with her than I ever could.

I had been happy. Things had been fine.

But then I’d gone to my tent and rolled out my sleeping bag, a sleeping bag that I hadn’t used in a couple years. And there, tucked in the center of it, long forgotten, was Michael’s old sweatshirt, emblazoned with the name of his college.

Holding the gray hoodie in my hands, feeling its time-worn softness for the first time in years, a flood of memories came rushing back to me.

A camping trip I’d taken with Michael. It had just been us, our camping gear stowed in the back of Michael’s pickup. We’d ended up in a remote campground with seemingly no one else around, and we’d made love that night under the stars, nothing but the sound of the night around us.

It had been the night I realized I wanted to marry him. And now, looking back, it was obvious that he hadn’t felt the same way.

But his sweatshirt must have gotten tucked in the sleeping bag, both of us forgetting it, only to have it come tumbling out today. Making me cry like a fucking fool right as Tony started bellowing for me to get out of the tent and come take a shot of whiskey.

I felt like a metal vise grip was being tightened around my head. It was hard to breathe suddenly. How was I supposed to do this? How was I supposed to act like everything was normal, and take place in this bachelor party event, this send-off to my friend who was so in love… when love had fucking failed me?

“Zane, where the hell are ya?” I heard Colby shouting from outside the tent. “You’re gonna miss out!”

A few moments later, when I pushed back the opening in the tent, I saw the four of them in my peripheral vision, congregating over by the still unlit fire pit. They were far enough away that when I exited the tent, only Sebastian turned his head quick enough to see me ducking away in the opposite direction, straight back into the thick of the trees.

And then I just took off. I felt safer immediately, getting lost in the forest, the expectations melting away.

I knew I was expected to be fine, merry, to have a good time on this little trip. I knew I should be there for Colby, be there for all of them. But I was not only afraid of them seeing me like this, but also afraid of what I might say. I felt out of control all over again, like I had when I’d heard Michael’s song on the radio, and I just needed a moment of peace.

Fallen branches crunched under my boots as I pushed past stray leaves and continued headlong into the forest. And the further out I got, the more the tears came, streaming down my face with abandon.

Pathetic.

I wiped my cheeks with the heel of my palm, willing the tears to go away. But it was like a dam coming unstuck—being out here alone, I no longer felt the tension, the vise grip around me. All I felt was raw emotion.

When I was far enough away that I knew they couldn’t see me, I leaned back against the tall, thick trunk of a tree and just squeezed my eyes shut.

I made myself breathe. In, out, in, out.

It was only then that I realized I still had the sweatshirt in my hands, gripped tight in my fist. I was clenching it so hard that my knuckles were white.

And finally, as I breathed, the tears stopped coming. I just stared at the sweatshirt in my hands, totally numb, listening to the sounds of the forest. The wind blew through the trees every few seconds, and there were so many birds calling out it almost sounded like a chorus. There might have been a few cicadas, maybe even a frog.

I focused only on the sounds.

And a few moments later, I heard a distinct crunching sound that could only be footsteps. It wasn’t the quick footsteps of one of the guys trying to find me—it couldn’t be that. If it were one of them, they’d surely be calling out to me, right?

I opened my eyes, scanning the thick woods in front of me. All I saw were trees, so tall that they shrouded most of the daylight. Slowly, I leaned forward again, off of the tree trunk, trying my best to be as quiet as I could.

Again. There it was. Distinct footsteps crunching on leaves, but not at any pace a human would take.

It was almost astonishing how quickly my bottomless sadness turned to cold fear.

These were the mountains of Idaho, and we were way out. Colby and Tony had been joking about bears on the drive up, but I’d mostly tuned them out as I dozed. But now I was wondering if maybe I should have been listening.

What had Tony been saying to do if I encountered a bear? Was he saying I should run the opposite direction or look it in the eyes and challenge it? And for fuck’s sake, he and Colby had kept arguing about what to do if it were a black bear versus a grizzly bear, and I had no idea which one they had been talking about at any time.

And for God’s sake, what if it was a bear cub? I knew for sure that mother bears were most protective of their cubs.

I heard the crunch of the footsteps again, this time much closer. It was clearly coming from behind me. I was going to have to act now.

“Who’s there?” I said, my voice wavering a little as I spoke. Maybe it really was just one of the guys, being weird, trying to sneak up on me.

But there was no response.

I stood up straight. I walked around to the other side of the tree, adrenaline coursing through me. Immediately I heard a rustling of movement, definitely the sound of a scared animal.

And out of the corner of my eye, I saw them. Two foxes, their fur orange and white and gray, glancing back at me before darting quickly in the opposite direction. They were absolutely beautiful. It was the first time I’d ever seen foxes that close up, and my total relief mixed with awe was one of the purest things I’d felt in a long time.

Fuck, what a damn roller coaster. I took another deep breath, actually thanking God that I was alive, and that I hadn’t had to deal with a goddamn bear.

Though I was pretty sure facing down a bear would have been easier than dealing with this stupid sweatshirt.

I walked further away from where the foxes had been. Up ahead, there was a small clearing that Colby had mentioned to us on the trip up. It was a patch in the woods with a bunch of stone rocks to sit on, and at its side was a tiny stream. There was a trail that led up to this patch straight from the campsite. I’d take the trail to get back to the guys.

But first, I would sit. I took my place on one of the rocks, centering myself again.

And that’s when I heard it, clear as day this time. Footsteps on the leaves.

“Zane? Zane, are you out here?”

It was Sebastian’s voice. I quickly reached up, making sure there weren’t any more tears on my cheeks, but by now they’d all dried.

“Uh—I’m here,” I called out, my voice still sounding strange and constricted.

“Zane? Oh, thank God,” Sebastian said, and I saw him coming up the trail. Jelly was with him, on her leash, and for the first time, she actually looked a little excited to see me. A few moments later, they were here, standing across from me in the small clearing, both of them staring at me. “Are you okay?” Sebastian said. “What happened? One minute you were in the tent, and then—”

“I’m so sorry,” I said.

“What?” he responded, walking over closer, looking down at me as I sat. A patch of sunlight filtered down through the trees and landed behind him, casting him in a bright halo. It was almost unfair how good he looked.

“Jeez, are you okay?” he asked “Your… your eyes are bloodshot.”

“I… I just needed some time to myself.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Oh my God. I’m so dumb. The bloodshot eyes—you came out here to smoke weed or something, didn’t you? You don’t need to leave to do that, you know. Marijuana is legal here. You can totally just have it at the campsite—”

“I wasn’t smoking weed, Sebastian,” I said softly.

“Oh,” he responded, blinking his big, beautiful eyes. There really was a certain innocence to him, even though he’d made abundantly clear that he was no innocent guy when we’d played that dumb game in the car. I supposed it was more of a… pureness of heart than a true innocence.

Thank God it was Sebastian who’d come looking for me, and not one of the other guys. I didn’t quite know why—it wasn’t like I wanted to have Sebastian find me and learn that I was a blubbering mess on the inside. But… something about his presence was calming me more than it was making me feel embarrassed. I didn’t think I’d be able to feel that way about any of the other guys right at this moment.

“Is… is everything… okay, out here?” Sebastian asked gingerly. He was being so polite. It made me feel bad, for God’s sake. He was holding a red plastic cup in his hand that I assumed had to be some whiskey drink that Tony had made for him, and I realized I must have taken away from his fun trip already.

“Everything’s fine,” I said quickly. “Just needed a minute of alone time.”

“…Okay,” Sebastian responded, but his eyes lingered on me.

He knew I was full of shit. I could tell he was starting to gather that I’d been crying. I still felt like my insides had been ripped to shreds, but at least now I didn’t feel like I was so utterly alone.

Sebastian moved a little closer, paused a moment, and then finally sat down on the rock next to me. He didn’t say anything for a few moments. He just sat there, the two of us listening as the forest sang out around us.

“I thought I was about to be eaten by a bear ten minutes ago,” I finally said.

“A bear?”

I nodded, looking out at a moth gently floating up into the trees. “Heard some crunching. Thought I was done for. But it was just two foxes.”

I turned toward Sebastian and saw that he had a faint smile on his face. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t die, Zane,” he said.

We lapsed into silence again. What the fuck was I supposed to say? Yeah, sorry Sebastian, you caught me after bawling my eyes out about my dumbass ex-boyfriend. Apparently any thought of him now sends me into a spiral and makes me unable to be around other people. I’m a real fun guy, huh?

There was no good way to say it. But with every passing moment, the weight on my chest pressed harder and harder, like I’d explode if I didn’t tell someone. Or maybe I’d only explode if I didn’t tell him.

“I found this stupid sweatshirt,” I said, holding up the hoodie, still clenched in a tight ball in my fist. “It was… it was Michael’s. My ex. And it just kind of… well, it kind of destroyed me.”

“Shit,” Sebastian said. “I’m so sorry, Zane.”

I shook my head. “It’s no big deal. Or it shouldn’t be, but I’m just… broken or something.”

“You’re not broken,” he said softly. “I think you’re having a pretty healthy reaction, actually.”

I puffed out a small laugh. “I don’t know about that,” I said.

“Did you know that after the scandal, I didn’t go a single day without crying for at least a month?” Sebastian asked.

“Really?”

He nodded. “I felt like a fool every single time,” he said. “It feels bad enough to cry in the first place. But when you’re crying, and everything inside you is just telling you to suck it up, stop being such a baby… it’s awful. It’s like you are at war with your own emotions.”

“That’s exactly how I feel,” I said.

“Do yourself a favor and just forget all that bullshit,” he said. “You said you wanted to build a life with this guy, and he dumped you pretty quickly, right?”

“I thought I’d always be with him,” I said. “And… he dumped me quickly, but I really should have known a long time ago. He always criticized me. Complained about our relationship. Told me he wished I was different. And I think I just ignored it. I thought that was just how being in a relationship worked. I was so used to being with him. It felt easy, even if it probably wasn’t right.”

“He criticized you?” Sebastian asked, shifting on the rock.

I shrugged, leaning back a little. “Yeah, I don’t know… is that kind of thing just normal in long-term relationships? He’d say my hair looked stupid or my outfit was wrong or say I was too much of a loner. That kind of stuff.”

Sebastian was giving me a sidelong glance, raising one eyebrow. “Your boyfriend was criticizing you like that?”

I hitched up a shoulder. “It was no big deal. That’s just how Michael was.”

He pulled in a quick breath. “I don’t know, Zane. That kind of sounds like bullshit to me. I don’t want to be with anyone who criticizes my hair, let alone my personality. And no one would ever call me an introvert, but if I was one, I wouldn’t want to be called a ‘loner’ because of it.”

I watched Sebastian, mulling over his words.

“You’re not a loner, anyway,” he said, shaking his head.

I laughed sharply. “You don’t know me well enough. I’m… too in my own head for my own good. Look at me, out here in the forest, when I should be with you guys.”

“So what?” he said. “So what if you need to take a few minutes to decompress? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert.”

“Even when I do things like run off from a party of four other groomsmen because I just have too many feelings, and I’m too overwhelmed to even suck it up and be there for my friend?”

“Hey,” Sebastian said, a little louder. “Yes, even when you do things like that. The guys are totally fine if you need some alone time for a while. Hell, they’re probably back there right now, not even thinking about us. For God’s sake, Tony probably has his pants down and is running around playing some convoluted version of strip poker or duck duck goose or something.”

I let out a long, much-needed laugh.

“You’re allowed to be who you are, Zane,” he said. He placed his drink on the rock next to him, and then he reached out and put a hand on my thigh. “I mean it. And I know it feels shitty sometimes. Hell, almost every time I see my mom, she’s telling me in some words that I’m a bad person for being gay. But at some point, you have to just say fuck it.”

I shook my head. “You’re wiser than me, even though I’m so much older than you. How is that?”

“Oh, come on, don’t play the old man card,” Sebastian said. “You’re only like, five years older than me.”

“More like eight or nine. But… fair enough.”

“Hey, Zane,” he said, looking me dead in the eye. His eyes were suddenly alight.

“What?”

He glanced down at the hoodie. “You know where that sweatshirt is going, right?”

“Where?”

“It’s getting tossed straight into the fire tonight,” he said firmly. He took his hand and placed it over my own, clutching my hand as I clutched the sweatshirt.

“We don’t have to do anything like that—”

“We’re gonna,” he said.

A slow smile spread over my face. “Has anyone ever told you you’re a piece of work, Sebastian?”

He grinned back at me, his smile making little creases around his eyes. His energy was fucking captivating, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him, and this time my brain had no defenses to ignore it.

“People have told me that many, many times,” he responded. “I choose to hear it as a compliment.” He picked up his drink, took a sip, then held it to me. “Want a sip?”

I almost said no, but at the last moment only one thing went through my mind. Fuck it.

“Sure. Thanks,” I said, accepting the cup and taking a swig. “Jesus, is Tony trying to kill us? That’s strong.”

Sebastian laughed. “I actually made this one. It probably is a little too strong, but… hey. It’s a minivacation. I figure we can let loose, right?”

I stared down at the cup and finally nodded. “Yeah, you’re right,” I said. I took another sip.

And slowly, very slowly, I felt the tightness in my chest begin to unclench.

A few minutes later, we began to slowly meander back down the trail toward camp. The sun was inching its way toward the horizon, and fireflies dotted the air between the trees around us. Jelly occasionally stuck out her tongue and tried to eat a gnat, but her aim was terrible, and she missed every time.

It was serene. With every step of the way, I felt further and further from the panic.

Well. That, and the fact that Sebastian and I continued passing the drink back and forth between us, and the alcohol was starting to warm me from within.

“I’m glad I came out here,” Sebastian said. “I needed to get away from the guys for a minute, too.”

“You? Needed to get away from a social activity? I never thought I’d see the day,” I joked.

He gave me a little nudge on the shoulder as we walked. “I just needed a break from Austin. He was kind of being a little shit.”

“What did he do now?”

Sebastian kicked a large pebble forward along the trail. “Nothing new, I guess. But he said I was acting like a ‘bridesmaid instead of a groomsman.’ Something about me planning too many activities.”

I turned to Sebastian, furrowing my brow. “What a dick,” I said.

He just shrugged. “Nah, I get that kind of thing a lot. People saying I’m too much. I’ve heard it my whole life.”

“You are the opposite of too much,” I said, shaking my head as we continued along.

“What’s the opposite of too much?” he asked with a small laugh. “Not enough?”

“I don’t think I could ever get enough of you,” I said. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that I probably shouldn’t have said it, but the alcohol was coursing through me now, and I didn’t have any choice but to be honest with Sebastian. My usual self-monitoring was quickly fading, and I thought it was more important to give him an honest compliment than to keep myself in check.

“Well… thank you,” he said softly. “You’re easy to be around, too.”

That made me laugh. “Me?”

“Sure, you,” he said, nudging me again. When I turned to him he was smiling, his eyes bright even in the dusk. “Certainly much easier to be around than Austin. And Tony. You won’t be surprised to hear he’s already three sheets to the wind, telling everyone that he’s going to keep partying until the sun rises.”

“Yikes. Well, he can do whatever he wants, so long as he doesn’t keep me up until dawn.”

“Yeah, easy for you to say. I’m supposed to be sharing a tent with him tonight.”

“Oh, God,” I said. “You could… ask Colby to switch you places? Colby generally seems to be able to rein Tony in better than any of us. Maybe if they shared a tent, it wouldn’t be as bad.”

Sebastian looked my way. “Do you really mean that?” he asked.

“What?”

“You wouldn’t mind me… switching places with him? I know you guys know each other better… but I truly was not looking forward to sharing a tent with Tony.”

“I wouldn’t mind at all, Sebastian,” I said. “I’m sure Colby won’t either, but we can ask him.”

“God, that would be a lifesaver,” Sebastian said. “I want to get enough sleep because we’re going on the long hike tomorrow, and if I was woken up at all hours of the night by Tony, I know I’d be a grumpy mess tomorrow.”

“I can’t picture you grumpy.”

He shrugged. “It happens. Just… not as often as it happens with you, I guess.” He grinned at me.

“Hey,” I said, giving him a playful smack on the shoulder. “You’re right, of course, but also… shut up.” I smiled. As we drew nearer to the campsite, already we could hear the guys, and it sounded like Colby had broken out his acoustic guitar.

We paused for a moment, far enough away that the others hadn’t seen us yet.

“You sure you’re ready?” Sebastian asked. He nodded down at the hoodie in my hand.

“I’m ready,” I said, glancing over at the fire the guys had started. “Fire is still small, but tonight… this is going in it.”

“Good,” he said, holding out a hand to my shoulder. “You can do this, Zane.”

I nodded. As long as he was there with me, I actually felt like I could.

It was almost surreal how well the rest of the night went. We drank, we sang around the campfire, and we all seemed actually happy for once. Austin and Sebastian even had a fleeting moment of bonding—they both loved the song “Have You Ever Seen the Rain,” and they sang along to it loudly while Colby played it on the guitar. We roasted marshmallows. We talked and laughed.

And I tossed Michael’s goddamn sweatshirt on the fire and didn’t look back. Sebastian beamed at me when I returned from the campfire, and I didn’t even care if the other guys saw us exchanging a look.

Austin asked why the hell I was burning a perfectly good piece of clothing. I told him it wasn’t perfectly good—it might have looked fine, but it had fallen apart.

Colby was also fine staying up later with Tony, so around midnight, Sebastian and I headed off to sleep in my tent. We were both wiped out and fell asleep quickly in our sleeping bags, lulled by the distant sound of Colby’s guitar.

It was only when I started dreaming that I remembered all over again who I was.

In my dream, people were close to me and then disappeared, over and over again. Everything would be fine, and then I’d be left with the sensation of the floor falling out from under me over and over again. It was a loss of support. A loss of structure. It was not knowing who I was anymore. And the dreams soon turned scarier—me looking in the mirror and seeing no reflection, me trying to grasp at things only to feel my hands move right through them. It was paralyzing.

And I woke, suddenly, to the feeling of someone shaking me, a soft voice repeating my name over and over.

“God,” I uttered, startled awake, surrounded by darkness. A hand was on either of my shoulders.

“Zane, are you okay?”

It was Sebastian’s voice. I was safe—I was camping—I was still in a tent in Idaho, nowhere near Los Angeles. The sound of Colby’s guitar was no longer there, and I knew it must have been many hours later.

“You were calling out in your sleep,” Sebastian said. “Did you have a nightmare?”

“Jesus,” I said, my heart still racing. I couldn’t see anything. It was pitch black in the tent. I fumbled over at the side of my sleeping bag until I found the tiny battery-powered lantern I’d brought, and I switched it on.

A soft light filled the tent, and I saw Sebastian crouched over my sleeping bag, his brow furrowed, concern all over his face.

“God, I’m so sorry,” I said, taking a deep breath in.

My world was spinning. It was a combination of the residual alcohol in my system—I was still quite tipsy, but now there was a welling of fear inside me, too.

“It’s okay,” he said, his voice smooth as ever, comforting me way more than it should have.

“Fuck, Sebastian,” I uttered, and unthinkingly, I sat up, pulling him into a close, tight hug.

I needed him that close. I needed him closer. And I held him like he was the only thing keeping me afloat.