My mind is spinning like a tilt-a-whirl, trying to make sense of all the information Ryker just gave me. There are so many more pieces to this puzzle than I ever imagined.

I glance over at him. He looks part pissed off and part hurt. Imagining Nox being in a situation like this and me not being able to help him would kill me, just like it’s doing to Ryker now.

My hands itch to reach over to him, but his body language is closed off and the silence in the cab is deafening. If this is what he needs, though, I’ll give it to him. He answered all my questions, and I’m sure I’ll have tons more after this fully processes. It’s just a lot to compute.

When we pull up to the apartment, Ryker blows out a deep breath. He’s had one cigarette after the other on the way home, and it’s done nothing to calm him.

He lets out a ragged breath. “Come on; let’s get some sleep.” His gruff voice holds so much disappointment. It breaks my heart in two.

When we enter, I see that Emery’s door is closed, telling me she’s home and asleep. Ryker locks the door and moves over to the couch. I grab his hand and pull him to my bedroom, not thinking anything but wanting to soothe his pain.

“Austyn, what are you doing?”

The click of the door shutting echoes through my room. “Get ready for bed. I’m beat.”

“You want me to sleep in here?”

“Yep.” I move to my closet and change into my pajamas.

I hear his boots hit the floor then his jeans. I shouldn’t do this. In my mind, I know it, but in my heart, I want to be his comfort tonight and soothe his pain in the only way I know.

He crawls into bed as I turn out the light then make my way over to the bed, stretching out beside him and resting my head on his shoulder.

He wraps his arm around me. “Damn nice sleepin’ in a bed. Fuckin’ better havin’ you by my side.” He leans over and kisses the top of my head.

I don’t want to think of the ramifications for this. I don’t want to think at all.

“Get some sleep, Ryker. Good night.”

“Night, beautiful.”

My heart flutters as we fall asleep.

* * *

I wake with a start, my face plastered against a hard, bare chest. Fear hits me until I lift my head, seeing Ryker. Only then does breathing come.

Nightmares didn’t haunt me last night, which I’m eternally grateful for. They are sporadic, always lingering, and I never know exactly when they are going to hit. Luckily, last night wasn’t one them.

Ryker’s breathing is steady and calm. His heartbeat thumps against my hand. His body is warm and inviting. Everything that I always dreamed of is right here in my bed with me.

Just a second longer, I tell myself. A second to enjoy being in his arms and feeling his comfort. A second to remember what this feels like so I can carry it with me for the rest of my life.

All too soon, reality hits me in the face. I inch out from under Ryker’s arm. He doesn’t so much as move as I exit the bedroom, which is good because he needs rest.

Entering the bathroom, I do my thing, running a brush through my hair. There’s noise coming from the kitchen, and as I make my way in there, I find Emery chopping up vegetables at the counter.

“Hey, sleepy,” she greets.

The clock reads twelve-sixteen. I haven’t slept after noon in a long damn time. “Yeah.”

“Where’s Ryker?”

This is what I should have thought about before my wild idea to let him sleep with me. She’s going to blow this totally out of proportion and probably won’t keep her mouth shut about it.

I snatch a mushroom and toss it in my mouth. “In my room, and I don’t want to hear anything about it.”

“Holy shit! Did you fuck him?” She beams.

She’s heard all about Ryker forever, best friend code and all. She has always pushed for me to make stronger moves and get his attention more. Not sure how I could have done that, besides standing naked in front of him, but whatever. Her reaction doesn’t surprise me.

“Of course not.”

She aims her knife at me as a supposed threat. “What do you mean of course not?”

“No, Emery, I didn’t have sex with him, and I’m not going to. I really don’t want to talk about this.” Not only that, but I won’t tell Ryker’s business of the actual reason he’s there. If he wants Emery to know where we went last night, that’s up to him. I refuse to scatter his business to everyone. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, so no way I’d do it to him.

“That’s just stupid. He’s in your bed. You want this. What’s the problem?”

The problem is, I’m damaged, tainted, and I don’t want him to deal with it. “Nothing. It’s just not happening.”

She sets the knife down and brushes her long hair over her shoulder. “You’re kidding me, right? Years, you’ve wanted him, and here he is and you know he wants it. And you’re not going to do anything about it? What is going on, Austyn? You’ve got to talk to me.”

It would feel so good to tell someone about what happened to me, just for the mere fact to get if off my chest and hear her opinion, but I can’t, because it would be out there. It would be real in a way it could never go away.

“It’s …”

Ryker walks into the kitchen with a large stretch, and I clamp my mouth shut. Saved by him, thank you very much.

“Later,” she says pointedly then looks to Ryker. “Making omelets. Want one?”

“Hell yeah!”

He doesn’t appear to have the lasting effects from last night still on him, but I know all too well looks can be deceiving.

* * *

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask Ryker on the way to the store, which I don’t want to go, but in the words of Ryker ‘I got the short straw.’ Good thing the list isn’t too long. I once gave Emery a list as long as my arm. She was pissed, but I was on the rag and needed chocolate, like every kind they had.

“Nah, nothin’ to say, beautiful. Shit happens in life and we deal. Can’t help those who don’t want it. I just go on with my life, knowin’ that she changes her mind, she’s got my number. She doesn’t, then she doesn’t.”

He’s so damn level-headed about this. I admire it deeply. It says a lot about his character, and everything it says, I like. I like a lot, which is probably a bad thing. Nothing about Ryker is supposed to appeal to me. That door was shut, dammit.

“Okay.”

We get the stuff at the store in a hurry. Ryker doesn’t want to be there any more than I do, so he helps make quick work of it. After unloading and putting away all the groceries, Ryker goes to the bathroom while I go to my bedroom, doing a quick check on my computer and finding nothing.

Coming out into the hallway, a hard chest whose arms come around me tightly runs smack-dab into me. My hands go to his pecs in reaction, palms out. Inhaling, the scent of him and tobacco invade me. Heat thumps through me as my heart picks up speed.

I slowly lift my head. His chin is down, eyes smoldering hot with lust, looking down on me.

The air around us turns static, passing between the two of us. My chest compresses as the world stops and all I can do is take him in. His beautiful face that I’ve loved for so long. The scruff of his beard, the tattoos on his neck, his dark eyes eating me alive. The entire powerful package that is Ryker right here, in this moment. Nothing else matters. Just him and I.

He dips his head down and finds my lips with his.

I’m lost. My chest plastered against his, squishing my breasts in the most delectable way. Our lips entangled. His hand sifting through my hair. His length growing along my thigh. He tastes so good, and as our tongues collide, the passion escalates. It’s like we can’t get enough of each other. We can’t. I can’t.

My brain kicks in, and I yank myself away, shaking my head. “No, we can’t do this.” I try to back away, but he holds me in place.

Heaving in a breath, he counters, “We can absolutely do this, Austyn.”

Pulling out of his hold, the loss of his touch is instant. “You don’t understand. If you understood, you’d know.” Shaking my head, I dart into my room and lock the door.

He pounds on the outside of it, begging me to let him in. I can’t.

Some secrets are meant to be kept.

Some doors are meant to remain closed. Even if they tear you up inside more than you already are.