My bravado leaves once the door closes. I fall onto the couch like a sack of leaves, my energy draining quickly. Closing my eyes does nothing to help the messed-up, twisted feelings swirling inside me, threatening to take over and implode around me. I flex my fingers, hoping to release the tension forming in me, but do a shit job at it.

Being slammed in the face with a two-by-four will do that to a woman. It’s exactly what happened to me last night, having to expose something that should’ve remained buried. It’s left me raw and wide open, so wide all the anger is focused on Ryker for starting all this. That’s an emotion I hack very well—anger—but it’s exhausting.

Nox plops down next to me, patting me on the leg. “What’s goin’ on with you?”

Staring up at the ceiling, I tell him, “If I’d have known you were coming, I could’ve saved the big reveal for both of you at the same time.”

“Austyn,” Emery chastises my smart-ass remark, but I ignore her.

“I went up to Deke’s to terminate my pregnancy.”

The couch shakes from Nox’s response. “Holy fuck.”

I don’t bother looking at him, but with him being my twin and being together our entire lives, I’m sure his face is turning red and the vein in his neck is starting to thump harder. His fists are probably clamped tight, and I can he’s breathing out of his mouth more than his nose.

“Who’s the father?” he asks curtly. See? Pissed off.

“That, I’m not discussing. I’m also not discussing why I did it. All you need to know is what I told you.” Being a broken record and saying the same things repeatedly is tiring. It must end because my emotions can’t keep going through the wringer.

He squeezes my leg, and my focus goes to him.

“Why didn’t you come to me?”

“Dad said the same thing. You can get that story from him. I’m tired of talking about it.” And I am. I love my family, but bringing all this up is killing me. It’s making me relive it. My family can’t want that.

“Alright. What the fuck is goin’ on with you and Ryker?” He changes the topic instantly to another one that is off-limits. Lovely.

“Not talking about that, either, Nox.”

Emery falls into the recliner with a cup of yogurt, eating away. “He sleeps with her and lots of noises come from the room.”

I grab the throw pillow next to me and toss it at her. Her hand jolts up and yogurt covers her shirt.

“Austyn! What the fuck!” She stands up immediately, going to the kitchen.

“Don’t spread my business,” I warn. Why does everyone feel the need to do this? It’s frustrating.

“I don’t get you,” Emery says in a huff, dipping a paper towel under the tap then wiping her shirt. “You’ve wanted him forever. You have him here, in your bed, what you’ve always wanted, and no-go.”

“Did you not hear that he forced my father to make me tell them?”

She tosses the paper towel in the trash. “I get that. It was shit, but before that all came out. Are you punishing yourself because you had an abortion?”

Her question hits me so hard breaths are tough to take. Part of me is. I’ve known it from the moment I walked out of that clinic feeling empty. Not just that, but add in how the baby was conceived and it’s all become a hazy mess in my head. All of it jumbling and twisting into a tight knot that I fear will never be loosened. Instead, it’ll eat me alive.

I remember lying on that exam table, everything so sterile and the smell of antiseptic invading my nostrils. The large light shined down from above, then the smaller light at the bottom half of my body. When the doctor asked if I was ready, I wanted to scream and yell, but only responded with a quiet “yes.”

Tears fell the entire time. Some for the baby. Some for the life I’d never have. Some for the love I’d never feel. Some for the destruction that had been laid at my feet. All of it compiling into swamp inside my head. A swamp that threatened to pull me down into its depth with each moment that passed by. The water was murky, ready to grab me and pull me under, sucking all the life out of me.

It still feels that way sometimes, when memories of my baby come to me. Like I’m sinking into nothingness, unable to hold on or come up for air.

Ryker knows about the baby, but not the other thing. The other would turn him away from me quickly. It’s better this way.

I’ve grown too close to him lately, allowing him to touch me and comfort me. Those lines need to be formed again, and this time, no going back.

“I guess.” My voice is a whisper, not wanting to respond, but knowing a shrug won’t cut it for an answer.

She charges over and falls to her knees in front of me, taking my hands in hers. “Whatever your reasons are don’t matter, Austyn. It happened and it’s over. There is no reason to feel any guilt for it. Decisions are hard, and I suspect this one was the hardest. But there’s no guilt. No shame. No self-loathing because of it. I’m not saying go skip off into the sunset and never think about it—it’s part of your history. But hurting yourself for it isn’t an option anymore, Austyn. You deserve to be happy and loved.”

Tears well up and roll down my cheeks. I needed those words from her. God, how I’ve needed them. Being alone through it, I’d often wonder if I made the right decision or if I ever deserve to have a baby again in my life because of what I did. Let alone to ever be happy. Why should I be happy when my baby isn’t here? It doesn’t seem right.

Emery’s words, though … they’re what I needed to hear because the guilt is eating me alive. If they knew the reason, they would understand, but they won’t know. Emery is right; it doesn’t matter the why because it’s over. At least that part of it. The darkness inside me is still seeking vengeance, though, but it happened and now I need to move on.

“Thank you,” I choke out, and as I do, a weight lifts from my shoulders. One that’s been holding me down for months and months. The tightness in my chest begins to loosen, and I can breathe a bit more than before.

“You’re not going to like what I’m going to say next.”

I toss my head back to the couch. I just had an epiphany in my life and now she’s throwing me a curveball.

She taps me on the leg, and I lift my head.

“I know you’re pissed at Ryker.”

“Emery …” I warn, but she doesn’t stop, just railroads right over me.

“He did you a favor.” My body jolts as heat sprouts in all directions. “Hear me out.” I give a slight nod, barely containing myself. “I’m not saying he should be sharing your shit, but you’ve grown up in this club, and you know how things are. It came from a good place. I know it. Ryker loves you, Austyn.”

Oxygen will not fill my lungs, and my heart stops. Everything I’ve always wanted comes at the worst time possible. As is my luck, it seems.

“He does,” Emery continues when words don’t come for me. “He caters to you here. I’ve watched it. You need a pillow, beautiful? Or, You can cook for me every night, as he shovels in your food like he’s a starving man. Anywhere you want to go, he’s there, and it’s not because he was told to do so. It’s because he wants to be here, Austyn.”

Sucking in much-needed air, my brain tries to compute everything she’s telling me, but it feels like a hamster on a wheel, running around and around.

“He did you a favor by pushing that information out of you. Now your family knows, and you don’t have to hide it. You don’t have to feel that pressure alone. You have us to lean on. You want to be pissed at him now, so be it, but he did it from a good place, not being evil and vindictive.”

“Yeah, what she said,” Nox throws in, in typical Nox fashion, and a chuckle escapes me.

It feels good to have someone to talk to about this, there’s no denying Emery that one.

I sag further into the sofa, not knowing what to do. Be pissed, not be pissed. It sure does take a lot out of a person—being angry, keeping it up all the time.

My life is a tangle of webs that need to be untangled and let loose.

* * *

He’s been gone for four hours. Nox has called him three times, wanting to leave, but can’t, because of me. I told him to go, that we’d be fine, but he gave me the evil stare in return. As the time ticks on, my stomach begins revolting, tying itself into knots.

“Would you stop pacing and biting that damn thumb,” Nox says gruffly, looking at his phone like it’ll magically ring any second.

Ripping my thumb away from my teeth, not realizing it was there in the first place, unease washes over me. Is he coming back? Is he hurt? Is he so pissed off at me he can’t be in my presence?

Time moves slowly, like the tick of the clock has taken way too much valium.

Five hours, and no Ryker. Butterflies swarm in my stomach.

Six hours, and no Ryker. My mouth dries. Drinking water doesn’t help.

Seven hours. Pacing the floor.

When the rumble of a bike can be heard, I dart to the window just as Ryker kills the bike and pulls off his helmet, shaking his head so the hair lands in a sexy way. He makes quick work of entering the apartment, and my feet lead me right to him. I throw my arms around his neck, letting the worry and anxiety fall away and enjoying the feel of him in my arms, safe and in one piece.

“Hey,” he says.

I don’t move. Instead, I squeeze him harder, and he kisses the top of my head. We stand there for long moments until I finally get myself under control and step back.

“I’m happy you’re here, but I’m still pissed at you,” I tell him then turn away, heading to the couch and falling without any grace.

“What the fuck, man?” Nox says, already moving toward the door. He loves me, but his life is busy and something he can keep to himself. “Been fuckin’ callin’ you for hours.”

Ryker pulls out his phone. “Yep, I see you have. Been ridin’; didn’t hear.”

“Next time, we’re setting a time limit.” Nox calls out his byes and is gone, slamming the door behind him.

Ryker sits next to me on the couch, leaving room between us. The space feels like a thousand-mile deep void, so close yet so far away.

He exhales. “When I was asked how you were, I answered honestly. That I’m worried about you, that you have something inside that is eating at you, and I need to help you—whatever it is—because I want to see the smiles and laughter again. That’s when your father called it. But, beautiful, I wanted Deke to talk, too, so I’m not puttin’ it all on your dad. Deke went to bat for you. That man is loyal to the core.”

I repeatedly twist my hands in my lap, listening to him, unsure of how to feel. I want to be pissed and smack him upside the head. Part of me wants to storm out of the room or yell at him, but none of that comes. The pain is there, though, like he sliced through my heart and soul, leaving me bleeding in front of everyone, exposing me for the horrible person I am.

“I’m sorry, Austyn.” He turns his body fully toward me, cocking his knee up and pressing it into the back of the couch. “Would you have told me if I asked?”

“No.” The answer is immediate. I would’ve gone to the grave with it, which had been the plan all along. No one would ever know. It’s another reason JK needs to be dealt with. He can never reveal it.

It was going to be the one secret that would never come to light, but that was all a lie, which scares me.

“How do you feel now that it’s out there?”

I cross my arms over my chest, trying to cover the hole I feel there. I need a shield of protection and a way to guard myself. Two of them, because I feel very exposed, like he’s cutting me open raw, stripping me down to nothing.

My skin prickles with awareness, and a shiver races down my spine. Hesitation creeps in, coating me in a shroud. If only I could disappear under it.

Taking a deep breath, I answer, “Scared about what everyone will think of me. That they’ll look at me differently.” I look down at my hands, not wanting to make eye contact with him. “Relieved that I don’t have to hold it all in anymore. But I’m still pissed at you.”

His smile is wide and one I could get lost in, unable to break away from. Whenever he’s around, the keeping my distance thing lasts a minute before the walls just crumble. I should be pissed at him for that, too; add it to the shit pile.

“Be pissed, beautiful. That’s fine. I’ll take it. But you don’t need to be scared. Who gives a fuck what others think? That has no bearing on you whatsoever. Their thoughts and opinions are theirs, not yours. Whatever they say or how they act is on them, not you. Not only that, I’ll beat the shit out of ’em.”

My lips tip up as his words wrap around me like a warm blanket. A blanket that is covering the bloody wounds deep inside, slowly stopping the flow.

We sit in silence, but it’s comfortable. The anger is still there, but it’s fizzled quite a bit. I’m not sure what to make of that.

A yawn escapes me, and before I can say anything, Ryker has my head on his chest, remote in his hand, and I’m fast asleep.

* * *

The night ended up chaotic. My mother, father, Angel, GT, and pretty much anyone in the clubhouse they could round up, came to my small apartment. They spilled out the front door and balcony, each of them with pointed stares at me. They already knew, so I was happy I didn’t have to tell the story again.

They were there for moral support, which felt nice. My mother, on the other hand, was pissed.

“Austyn! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this,” my mother says, closing the door to my room for privacy. She’d been waiting to attack and found an opening.

“Mom …”

“Don’t you mom me. I would’ve been there for you. We could’ve talked, and I could’ve helped you. You didn’t have to do this alone.”

I see the instant my mother’s anger turns to sadness as her face drops.

“It’s over with now. Thank you for that. I need it, but it’s over, and there’s no reason now to be upset about it.”

That was the moment she wrapped me in her arms and hugged me so tightly I thought she would break me.

The other kicker was the appearance of Leah, which is still rolling around in my head.

“Austyn,” Bristyl introduces. “This is Leah, Green’s woman.”

Giving a soft wave, I say, “Hi.”

My legs tremble, knowing exactly what this woman has gone through and noting its similarities to my situation.

Leah is beautiful with short dark hair and brown eyes.

“Thought we could go in your room and chat,” Bristyl announces before leading us to my room. I’ve already been in here once with my mother. Maybe this should be the party stop, instead.

Leah fiddles with her hands, worry lining her face. Her chest heaves up and down rapidly.

Bristyl puts her arm around Leah, and she jumps, then she seems to be okay.

“You don’t have to talk about anything,” I reassure her, seeing a small bit of relief cross her features.

I watch as she breathes in and out slowly. It’s an amazing thing to watch, when a woman pulls up courage from down deep.

“It does get better,” she starts, having my full attention. “It’s hard. There’s pain, and the fear will sometimes override you, but you need to ride it out. It’s not easy. It actually sucks, but it’s necessary. It’s been months and months since …” She shakes her head. “And I still have a hard time talking about it. But each day is better. Keep your chin up and never let the past define who you are. Never let what happened to you take away your happiness in life, because you only get one. One life to make work for you and do the best you can. Don’t let the actions of someone else dictate how that life will be lived.”

She exhales deeply and sits on my bed, looking as if she spent every last bit of energy she had inside her to say those words. I hate that she’s so broken. Is that what I look like?

“Thank you, Leah.” I sit next to her. “It is hard, and I appreciate you saying those words.”

She looks up at me, her eyes haunted.

“Seems you need to follow your own advice.” I give her a soft smile in hopes she’ll be able to relax a bit.

“I’m working on it. Every day is a challenge, but it’s coming.”

After that conversation, fatigue from everything settled deeply inside my bones.

Ryker ended up sleeping on the couch. I told him I needed space, which wasn’t a lie. I used that time to try to build my walls back up and use concrete to keep them in place. It didn’t work. Leah’s words continually ran through my head like alarm bells, not shutting off throughout the night.

This morning when Ryker drove me to work, he grabbed my hand and kissed the top of it, saying nothing, but his touch was everything. Comforting and honest.

Now he sits in the salon’s waiting area, playing on his phone, moving his thumbs quickly across the screen.

Two women, a couple of chairs down, ogle him, their eyes filled with lust and want. Not that they can be blamed for that. Ryker is hot; there’s no question about that.

Life must go on, and there is work to be done.

My mom always said that the true measure of a woman is how they deal with problems. Now that task lays directly in my lap.

“There you go, Althea. All curled and colored.” I turn her so she faces the mirror, and her face lights up.

Her hand goes up to her hair. “Oh, I love it! Thank you, dear!”

That is the one thing all clients do. As soon as I get their hair done, they have to run their hands through it like they have some magical touch that will make the hair just perfect. To each their own. You get used to it.

Althea hands me a tip then moves to the front of the building to the cashier counter. After cleaning up, I walk up to Ryker, purse in hand, and his head comes up from the phone.

“Time to go.”

He moves quickly. So quickly I try to hold in a laugh. He doesn’t like it here, and I can’t blame him one bit. Being around women all day is hard, and I’m one who he doesn’t get a break from.

Sometimes women are catty or talk behind each other’s back. They’ll make plans with two of them and leave a third out. Women, at least here at the salon, are so different than men.

Men, they’ll fight it out and be down with whatever is bothering them. Women can hold a mean grudge. Something that happened years ago, they can hold it over your head forever. My mother, though, is a fighter. Put up or shut up. I go with her way of thinking.

“Let’s go to dinner.”

My stomach takes that moment to rumble. That’s the thing about Ryker—it doesn’t embarrass me one bit.

“Dinner it is.”

Nerves light off like firecrackers as we sit in a booth at the local mom and pop shop. Him on one side, me on the other.

There are so many things to talk about, yet I don’t want to talk about any of them. I wish I could just disappear sometimes and not be an adult. Forget having to make decisions and thinking. Just be free again to think the world is perfect and the bad stuff will never touch me.

That’ll never happen again. Adulting sucks.

After we order, the waitress brings us our drinks. I twirl my straw in my cup, knocking the ice around, not sure what to say or what to do at this point.

Ryker breaks the silence. “Talk to me, Austyn. I know you’re pissed at me, but talk to me.”

I’m not even sure what to say, so I just open my mouth and let it roll. “Never again, Ryker. Swear to me that as long as we know each other, you will never ever repeat my business to others.”

He leans back in his seat. “I reserve the right to break the rule if it means helping you.”

“No. That’s not going to work.”

He leans into the table, his elbows on it, his face close to mine. “It has to work because I’ll do whatever I have to, to keep you safe. I’ll break anyone who stands in my way of it. You will be safe, and you will be loved. There’s no question about that in my eyes.”

While what he said was sweet, it also pisses me off.

I clasp my hands in front of me, lacing my fingers together so I don’t scratch his eyeballs out. “So, you’ll tell the club everything I tell you?”

“You’re not listening. I said I’ll do whatever I have to, to protect you. If that means pushing something like the other night, then so be it. It doesn’t mean I’ll go to the club, or anyone for that matter, and talk about private things. There’s a huge fuckin’ difference there.”

“How am I supposed to trust you, Ryker?” That’s the biggest thing right now, and it kills that I don’t. Before, I trusted him enough to touch me and make me come several times. I’ve trusted no other man to do that ever. I gave him that part of me, which is really the only thing I have to give—me.

Ryker loves you, Austyn. Emery’s words ring in my head, making my heart crack. This is why I need to stay away from this man. I knew the friend thing wouldn’t work. My feelings for him are too strong, and having him around me all the time only reinforces them. It’s too difficult to keep them at bay.

Part of me wants to tell him why I had to get rid of my baby. That way, he’ll know and won’t want anything to do with me. I’ll be done with all this. I can focus on JK without Ryker clouding up my thoughts all the time, knowing he’ll disappear without a glance back.

“I’m going to ask Dad to assign me a new bodyguard.”

Ryker’s jaw drops, and it takes him a moment to respond. “No fuckin’ way. I fucked up, but you’re not gonna push me away. You’re not dirty. You’re fuckin’ beautiful, and I’ll make sure you know it.”

I shake my head. “This is too hard for me.” The words escape before I want them to.

“Being around me is too hard? Why is that, Austyn? Because you have feelings for me and you’re fighting them?”

“No.” The denial is immediate.

His voice dips low, almost threatening. “Don’t lie to me, Austyn.”

“Don’t you get this? It can never work between you and me.”

“It has been for the last few weeks,” he counters without hesitation.

He has me there. Despite the hiccup the other night, things have been going well. Too well.

“I can’t just wipe it away and pretend the other night didn’t happen.”

“Stop deflecting.”

I stomp my foot in frustration right as the waitress brings our food out, placing our plates in front of each of us, then leaves.

“Can we just eat and talk about this again … never?”

“When we get home.” He takes a bite of his burger.

This discussion is going to rip me apart.

Can’t he see my resolve is broken? Can’t he feel the pain this causes me?

I study Ryker. His eyes meet mine. Confusion laces with my determination.

He wants to help me.

Emery once again plays in my mind. Ryker loves you.

The more I try to untangle myself, the deeper I seem to pull myself in.