“That goes in my bedroom,” Emery directs her brother and my older cousin, Deke, in our new apartment. Buzz and Breaker, who are techy kings, came in and did their thing, then taught us how to work the system. We have remotes on our phones and everything. Neither Emery nor I can see the cameras, but we know they’re here.

The entire time we’ve been moving, all I’ve gotten out of Deke is a grunt. One was when he got here, acknowledging my existence. At least there’s that, even if it’s not much.

Pulling him aside and talking to him is a must, but not with all these people around. Love my family, but some things are better left unknown. Some things, you take to the grave.

I haven’t talked to Deke since it happened, and I feel guilty for that. He blames himself for the fucker coming at me, but that’s just not the case. He doesn’t need to hold that burden; the asshole who hurt me does. He’s one of the few I truly trust, and his avoidance hurts, but I have no one to blame but myself.

“How much shit do you need?” my oldest brother Cooper asks, carrying one end of the couch.

“Yeah, there’s, like, two other couches down there. Where’re they gonna go?” my twin brother Nox says from the other end of the couch. Got to love brothers. Or, at least their strong arms.

“Let me educate you. This is a couch, the smaller one downstairs is a loveseat, and the other is a recliner. They aren’t all couches.” I point to where the piece needs to go, and they set it down not so gently.

“Let me educate you.” Nox leans in threateningly, not that he scares me, though it would to normal people.

I just stop myself from the eye roll.

Being twins, we have a special connection, yet he gives me shit whenever possible. It must be in the brother rulebook or something.

“I don’t give a flyin’ fuck what’s what. Once this shit gets up here, I’m out.”

I tap the side of his face. “Aw, love you, too, baby brother.”

“By one fuckin’ minute! And you still bust my damn balls about it,” he gripes, but he’s not pissed. It’s something we joke about regularly. I was born before, yes briefly, but it counts, and holding it over him is for pure entertainment purposes.

“Nice goat.” I move my hand back and forth in the air next to me like I’m petting a goat at my feet.

Cooper chuckles. This is an inside joke between the three of us and our parents. It’s a play off the got your goat saying that I heard growing up from my grandpa, Pops. Whenever any of us snags the other in a verbal blow, we make a deal about it and say nice goat.

“Fuck off,” Nox says with a smile then heads back out the door.

Looking around at our new place, I take in the light cream walls in the wide-open space that is the kitchen, living, and dining areas. The recessed lighting along the ceiling adds to the warm feel. There is no fireplace, which in Georgia, who needs one? Though, there is a very large balcony off the living room area where we can fit a couple of chairs for relaxation.

When we first walked in, it was pretty bland, but now, with our things coming in and getting placed around the room, it’s coming alive.

Mine and Emery’s parents show up and help out, but I specifically asked that no one else from the club come. It’s not that I don’t want to see them. It’s just the questions they are dying to ask. Moving on is hard enough with all the bullshit that could come along with it.

After pizza and beer, I make my move to Deke, sucking in a deep breath as I do. Cooper already left and some of the others are starting to get up, too, but Deke needs to stay.

Sliding up to him, I ask, “Can you stay for a few after?”

“After what?”

Deke is a rock of a man. He used to be an underground fighter and was estranged from the family for years, until I went to him for help. Dragging him home didn’t make him happy, and me shutting him out these past few of months really hasn’t made him any happier, or so Emery’s told me.

When we got home, Deke had to face a lot of shit from his father. Then he learned that his mother had cancer. Not to mention the club and coming to terms with the reason he left in the first place, namely JK. It wasn’t an easy road for him, and I added to that hardship.

As much as I wanted to talk to him before, something held me back. It’s time to clear that up.

I look up at him. “They leave. Can we go somewhere to talk?”

He pulls out his phone, looking at the time. “Need to be back to Rylie in an hour. Let’s go now.”

“Right.”

When we leave, nothing is said by anyone except for goodbyes. I hop into his monster of a truck, and he fires it up. It feels like old times.

“Where are we going?” I ask in a rush when I wake up to find we are flying down the road in Deke’s truck. 

“Home.” 

Anger bubbles inside me, along with a twinge of fear. “You asshole! You told me I could stay with you.” I move to get the seatbelt off, only thinking one thing—must get out of this truck.

He reaches over and grabs my arm, tightly holding me in place. Damn man is too strong for his own good. “No, I said you could stay last night. Already called Nox, and he’s expecting us.” 

“Fuck, Deke, do you have any idea what you’ve done?” I groan, falling back to the seat and dropping my head onto the back window with a thump. The cramps in my stomach are no match for the pounding of my heart. “I’m fucking dead.”

“Shoulda thought of that before you hopped in a car with someone you didn’t fuckin’ know. That’s some stupid shit right there, Austyn. Know you’re smarter than that.”

I sigh heavily. There’s so much he doesn’t know and he would have had he returned home at any point in the last four years. “Fuck, Deke, you have no idea what you’ve done. You have no idea what’s going on.” 

“Fuckin’ enlighten me so I know what I’m gettin’ myself into.”

He’s right. He’s driving me back home to a place he doesn’t want to be. I owe him something. Not all, but something, even if I don’t want to give it. My insides ache.

My voice softens. “I lied.”

He slams on the brakes, and I put my arms out to the dash to brace myself, my head moving forward with the truck. I blow the hair out of my face in a huff.

“What?” he clips, anger pulsating out of him.

Knowing I’m too late, I still say, “Don’t get pissed.”

“Too fuckin’ late. Talk.” 

Pain hits me hard in the gut as an emptiness inside me makes its presence known. I’m hollow, vacant, a void. My heart is strangling just at the thought of telling him.

“You can’t tell anyone, Deke. I’m confiding in you. I can’t let anyone know why I was in Grayson.” I picked that town for the sole purpose of going to Deke afterward, but nothing ever seems to go as planned.

“Talk!” he barks, making me jump in shock. 

“Deke,” I snip back. “I mean it. This is serious shit.”

“Talk. I’ll decide.” From the look on his face as he stares at me, he’s not going to let this go. I opened that door, and now I have to walk through it.

“You’re not gonna let me go unless I tell you …” My thoughts trail off, and I pause for a few moments, getting all my thoughts in line. “I didn’t hitchhike. I’m not stupid. I took the Greyhound here, not wanting the tracker in my car to keep tabs on me.”

“Well, at least you have some sense.”

I let out a huff. “If you’d have been around the last four years, you never would’ve bought the hitchhike thing in the first place. I needed to do something, and it couldn’t be in Sumner. Emery told me a while back where you were living, so I planned that something here so I could crash with you for a couple days.” 

A vein throbs in his throat, and his breathing is deep, telling me he’s pissed. “What something? And don’t fucking blow rainbows up my ass, woman.” 

I’m unable to hide the small smirk that comes to my lips. No matter the situation, I’ve learned to take the small joys, and Deke just gave me one.

“We’ve missed you.”

“Austyn …” he warns. 

No one knows this. Not a single soul on the planet, yet here I am, just going to tell Deke after he hasn’t been around for four years. When in the depths of Hell, one can hope for a lifeline. Deke might just be mine. Something tells me, though, that I can trust him. That I have to trust him.

I clear my throat, fighting back all the emotions and confusion inside me. “Let’s just say, yesterday, when I came to town, I was pregnant. Today, I’m not.” 

“What?” His voice dips and shock comes to his eyes.

My head whips toward him, tears and anger burning in my eyes. The pain of not having my child inside me squeezes my heart to the point of pain. Instead of letting it show, though, I let the anger win. Anger is a much better emotion. It doesn’t show weakness, at least not all the time. “I’m not talking about it anymore, Deke. You got more than I wanted to give.”

“What about your face?”

My fists clench at remembering that fucker and his smug look when I came out. “You should see him. Fucker outside the clinic said I was a murderer. Said I didn’t deserve to breathe. Said I was a whore. He came at me, and I didn’t think he was actually going to hit me, but he did. I fought back, of course, but he got a couple licks in.” My body vibrates, but I will my hands to relax. It works, somehow.

“So, let me get this straight; you just had a procedure, and you’re out beating the ass of some asshole?” 

“Yeah, Deke. That’s why I passed out at your place. They gave me some painkillers, and I took them after I got out of the cab at your place.” I needed them, and they knocked me out, but that was the whole point of taking them and finding Deke. He was my safe place to crash and work through the aftermath.

“Fuck, Austyn. Why didn’t you tell me this yesterday instead of fuckin’ lyin’?” 

“No one knows I was pregnant. I mean, no one except now you. You think I want anyone in our family to find out what I did? They’ll be pissed. But I couldn’t keep it.” My breaths come out short, and tears prick the back of my eyes. It takes everything in me not to let them fall. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I miss my baby.

“Who’s the father?”

“That, I’m not discussing.”

My stomach twists as I allow my mind to go back there.

He stood by my side through coming home and dealing with the family, who still don’t know I was pregnant. All because Deke kept my secret.

Deke drives as I turn toward him, needing to get this over with so we can move on. I don’t want this between us anymore.

“I’m sorry,” I start, and he looks over at me briefly then back to the windshield. He has one hand on the top of the steering wheel, doing that cool man move. It works on him. Hell, everything works on him. He’s the badass cousin. “I shouldn’t have shut you out, but at the time, it was the only way I could deal. I already didn’t have my baby and was dealing with that. After what happened, I had to block everything else out. It wasn’t you, Deke. It was everyone … Everything.”

“Not Emery. You didn’t block her,” the man of few, yet always important, words says.

I shake my head. “No, not Emery.” I needed her, even it if was to cry on her shoulder. She spent many nights with me curled up in bed. Most of the time, I didn’t sleep, only stared at the walls, hollow. Scrubbing myself in the shower never made the dirt go away because it was on the inside. It’s still there, festering. The dirt he laid upon me feeds my beast inside, ready to exact retribution.

“She know about the baby?”

I jump out of my thoughts, feeling this strange twinge in my chest. I haven’t talked about the baby with anyone but Deke, and that was a while ago. Talking about it now feels foreign and scary.

“No. No one knows, Deke. Unless you told someone …” I trail off. He’s giving me the look of death, like how dare I even think he’d break my confidence. Knowing him now, it’s true. I really didn’t believe for a second he would. He’s not that kind of man.

He pulls the truck off to the side of the road and throws it in park. “You know how much shit I got from the brothers for not sayin’ anything. How I kept that from them because you asked me not to tell. Rylie doesn’t know. Not a fuckin’ soul, Austyn.”

I exhale a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Him keeping something from his brothers and his woman is a huge deal. It speaks of courage, honor, and loyalty. Deke has that in spades, making me like him even more.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, thanks.” I don’t miss the sarcastic tone in his voice. “What that fucker did to you is on me. Your dad tell you what happened and the reasons?”

I nod, feeling the punch. “A little. Just that you were young, and he was your dealer. He threatened us kids if you didn’t go away and stay away.”

“Exactly. I came back, and this is what happens.” He shakes his head.

It feels like there is a lead weight in my stomach, threatening to take me down to the ground. I want to throw up. I want to scream. He’s wrong. So very wrong. But if I tell him what happened before, he’ll carry more on his shoulders. He doesn’t need that. I can carry that for him. He’s already held too much for too long.

“No, Deke, you can’t blame yourself for this shit. He’s a sick sonofabitch.”

His eyes turn scary. So much so I take a breath and arch my back toward the window.

“I’ll find him, and when I do, I’ll fuckin’ destroy him.”

I understand exactly where he’s coming from, just in a different way. While I want Deke to get his revenge, there’s something I need too. I have to close this once and for all.

“You have to promise me that you won’t blame yourself for what happened. It’s over and done with. No more of that shit.” Guilt slams its ugly head at not telling him everything, but I’ve already made my decision on that.

He shakes his head. “Not how this works, Austyn. You know it. I know it. Eye for an eye. Until I have him on a bed, spread eagle with my knife going into his flesh, it’s not over.”

I full-out cringe at the thought, and the slight scars on my body begin to tingle just knowing he’s talking about them. “I’m sorry, Deke.”

“Not one damn thing for you to be sorry for, Austyn. Just don’t hide from me anymore. Family sticks together, no matter what.”

“Right.” It kills me that I’m hiding something.

This may have to be a race. One against time. One I intend to win. I have to find JK first.