The soda sits in front of me, untouched, not even popping little bubbles anymore, while conversation flows around me. Here, but not. That seems to be my existence now. Here physically, but mentally distant.

Last night was an idiotic thing to do. To ask him to touch me, to make me feel less dirty. Why did I do that?

Sadness and emptiness creeps inside, knowing he did make it go away. While I was there, in the moment, I didn’t feel used, battered, or dirty. He made me feel loved and accepted, like I was beautiful. I let him in and I shouldn’t have. Letting him in will only lead to heartbreak.

I can’t be what he wants me to be. There’s no way. If he ever found out, he wouldn’t want me, anyway. He’d know for sure I was damaged and broken.

“Austyn.” My name being called tears me out of my thoughts.

I turn around to find Deke standing there with a grim expression on his face.

“Come with me.”

Not hesitating, I follow him to the church room.

He looks down at me before opening the door. “You’re stronger than you feel,” he says strangely then opens the door.

My steps falter. This space is off-limits, has been forever.

“Come in, Austyn,” my father calls, and only then do I step into the room.

It has a musty smell to it, like men almost, but there’s something else. Pictures line one of the walls, and part of me itches to go look at them. The large wooden table stretches out the length of the room with chairs all around it.

My father holds out the chair next to him. “Have a seat.”

I nervously make my way to him. As I sit, Ryker stares at me and Deke stares off into space, looking like he’d love to be anywhere but here.

“Deke,” my father says.

By his twisted face, it looks as though Deke’s been thrown under the bus.

“Fuck.” His focus comes to me, but it’s soft and caring. This scares me. This entire thing scares me. My body even trembles.

“What’s going on?” I ask with a tremor in my voice, hating it’s there, but not being able to control it.

Then the world falls out below my feet, and I fall into a dark hole I can’t escape. It’s as if I’m Alice, floating toward another world, one where nothing can hurt me and nothing can touch me. Except, it’s not. This is reality, and it’s horrible.

“They need to know the reason you came to me, Austyn,” Deke says.

Time stops. My stomach hits the floor just as the emptiness and void that’s inside punches me in the gut. I find myself shaking my head repeatedly, not wanting this to be real, hoping the motion will make it all go away.

Deke lowers his voice. “They want me to tell them the why, but it’s yours to tell. I don’t want to be in this spot, Austyn, but if you don’t tell them, they’re going to force their hand so I don’t have a choice.”

I rise from the chair and find my thumb inside my mouth, chewing on the corners of my nail. My feet find themselves moving back and forth behind my father as everything twists and pulls in my head. I can’t tell them. I can’t. Just can’t.

“No.”

“Austyn,” Deke calls out, and I stop. “You either tell them, or I have to. I don’t want to be the one to do it.” His eyes plead with me, telling me he doesn’t want to be the one to spread my stuff. I hate this, but I’ve already asked so much of him. I can’t do this to him too. “You’re stronger than you think, Austyn.”

“Right.” I continue my pacing, needing to think on how to approach this and coming up with the conclusion that there is no other way but to rip off the Band-Aid. Deke’s had enough pain in his life. I can’t add to it, but this pisses me off.

I focus on my father. “Why do you need to know? Why is it your business? If I wanted you to know, I’d tell you. But I haven’t, so doesn’t that tell you that I want to keep this to myself?”

He rises, coming toward me. “It’s eating you up inside. I’ve told you before that I’m concerned. Deke knows something, and we need to know so we can help you. It’s time.”

I huff. “Yeah, it’s time to tell something I don’t want to, and I have to or else Deke will have to violate my trust. This is some fucked-up shit, Dad.”

My back is against the wall. I’m out of options.

One look at Ryker and I want to fall into his arms and make it all disappear, but I can’t do that, either. I’m pretty sure he started this because of how I was last night, which makes a headache rise.

“Fine, but sit down.”

My father raises his brow, but does what I ask. I don’t want to look at any of them or see the pity and questions all over their faces. I don’t want any of it, yet they’ve given me no choice. Fuck.

The pictures on the wall stare at me. No one says anything, like I shouldn’t be looking at them or what have you. My entire focus goes to the pictures. “I went to Grayson because I needed somewhere away from here. Emery talked about Deke living up there, and after some research, I knew it was the spot.” I suck in a breath, it doing nothing to fortify my nerves. “I needed to have my pregnancy terminated, and there was a place there. That’s why I went to Deke, and that’s what he hasn’t told anyone.”

A chair scrapes along the floor, but I don’t turn around to look at who it was. It doesn’t matter.

The emptiness in my belly grows, reminding me of the choice I made. The one I have to live with for the rest of my life.

“Baby girl,” my father says from behind me, bringing his arms around me and pulling me to his hard body. “Why didn’t you talk to someone? Your mother? Me? Someone?”

“And say what? I’m knocked up and I’m not keeping it. Would you have driven me to the clinic?”

“Exactly,” my father says, kissing the top of my hair. “You never should’ve gone through that by yourself.”

I exhale loudly. “It’s over with now. It’s something I live with.”

“Can I ask you why you didn’t keep it?” This comes from Ryker.

I close my eyes, dreading his question. “No, you can’t. And Deke doesn’t know, so don’t bother asking him. Nor does he know who the father was, so don’t ask that question, either. You wanted to know my business, now you do.” There is no way in hell they are getting the other part. That isn’t happening. This is all they’re squeezing out of me. “And I’ll remind you, I didn’t share willingly. I’ve given you more than I intended.”

This is agony. The walls are closing in, falling on top of me one by one, smashing me into the ground.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I want to go home.”

“Let’s go,” Ryker says.

I pull away from my father and go over to Deke, who rises. I wrap my arms around his waist, and he reciprocates.

“I know you didn’t want to tell. Thank you for that. But it’s out now, so no more.”

“So sorry, Austyn,” he says, giving me a squeeze.

I look at Ryker. “Not a word. I don’t want to talk about it, so don’t bring it up.”

“Got it,” he concedes, surprising me.

After giving a few waves bye, we make our way back to my apartment. I feel raw and cut open, like I’m bleeding everywhere. Not only that … the dirt has come back full force. Not for having to make the choice I did, but for how I became pregnant. For what he did to me.

Life sure loves to play games.

When we enter the apartment, all is quiet. Emery must be out.

Not saying a word, I go to my room, lock the door, kick off my shoes, and crawl into a ball on my bed. Only then do the tears flow.

Moments later, the door unlocks and opens, which I should have known he would do. There’s rustling of clothes, and then Ryker is behind me, pulling me against his body.

There is no energy to fight or talk, only to cry and sleep, so that is what I do.

Sleep it all away.