Sophie

Instead of driving straight to Kaddy’s, I took the long way through town. My windows were rolled down and the radio was blaring through the speakers. I pounded on my steering wheel, venting all my frustration. I couldn’t remember the last time I drove around in my car with nowhere to go. Or even the last time I drove without Nina in the backseat.

I glanced behind me and saw Nina’s empty car seat. A pang of guilt shot through my chest. It wasn’t fair of me to leave Nina for the day just because I was stressed. I looked back at the road, but my eyes kept returning to that empty car seat.

As I drove, I fought the urge to turn around and drive home. Nina was safe with Andrew, but I already missed her. I wondered if she was crying, or if she missed me yet, too. It wasn’t like I’d never left her before. Andrew was an amazing father. He took great care of her, but I hated being away from her. I hated feeling like I wasn’t a good mother.

It was a few minutes before I managed to calm myself down. Andrew was right. I needed this time away from the house. I’d been so focused on the wedding that the past week had flown by in a haze of drama and stress. No matter how much I accomplished, it was like my to-do list never got any shorter.

Remembering Andrew’s advice, I pulled out my phone and dialed Kaddy’s number. I knew it was her day off from the coffee shop, so she would definitely be home.

“Hey, stranger,” Kaddy said when she answered. “Haven’t heard from you in a while.”

“Just a couple weeks,” I said with a sigh.

“Feels longer,” Kaddy said. “I miss you.”

“Oh, I miss you, too.” I pressed the phone against my ear. “I’m in some serious need of girl time. Are you free?”

“Of course,” Kaddy said. “Want me to come over?”

“No,” I said. “I’m already on my way to your place.”

“With Nina?” Kaddy asked. “You didn’t need to get her out, Sophie. I would have come to you.”

“She’s with Andrew for the day,” I said. “He insisted I take a break.”

Kaddy paused. I knew she was worried. It wasn’t often that I willingly left my daughter behind. In fact, Kaddy and I hadn’t had a single moment alone since Nina was born.

“I’ll see you soon,” Kaddy said, trying to keep her voice bright.

“See you soon.”

We hung up, and I blared the radio again. I sang every song that came on, trying to force myself into a relaxed state. Kaddy was already worried about me. If I showed up tense and uncomfortable, she would press me to talk, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to. Today was about letting go of stress, not dwelling on it.

My plan didn’t work. When I pulled into the parking lot at Kaddy’s apartment, I was still tied up in knots. No amount of singing or driving could help relax me. I was beginning to think nothing could.

“You’re here,” Kaddy said. She opened the door with a wide grin and ushered me inside. “I can’t believe it. I almost feel like I’m dreaming.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.” I rolled my eyes. “You saw me like three weeks ago.”

“Longer,” Kaddy said. “Closer to a month.”

I shook my head. “No way.”

“I’m not mad,” Kaddy said with a laugh. “You’re busy. You have a baby. I totally understand.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t bring Nina,” I said. “I know how much you love to see her.”

“I do.” Kaddy smiled. “But it’s nice to see you alone for once. I can’t remember the last time we spent a day with just us.”

“Before Nina was born,” I said simply.

Kaddy nodded and looked at me with concern. I could tell she wanted to ask a million questions, but she didn’t. She just gestured toward the living room. I sat down on her couch with a sharp exhale. My eyes fell closed almost immediately. When I opened them again, Kaddy was staring at me with a deep frown on her face.

“I’m fine,” I said quickly.

“I didn’t ask,” Kaddy said, but her expression was a little too understanding.

“Andrew and I decided to set a wedding date,” I said.

Kaddy’s eyes widened. “You did?”

“Yup.” I nodded. “Six months from now, if all goes well. I have a couple of venues picked out, but they’ve both been impossible.”

“When did you decide this?” Kaddy asked. “Why didn’t you call me? I would have helped.”

“Just a week ago,” I said quickly. “It’s new.”

“Which explains that frantic look you have on your face,” Kaddy said with a nod.

“I do not have a frantic look.”

“You do,” Kaddy said. “I’m just glad nothing’s wrong. I was afraid you were going to tell me that you dumped Andrew or something.”

I threw my head back and laughed. Kaddy and I both knew how ridiculous that was. Andrew was perfect for me. I couldn’t imagine ever being without him.

“I’m just stressed,” I said. “Which is so stupid. It’s just wedding plans, you know? That’s all.”

“Weddings are freaking crazy,” Kaddy said. “Do you remember when my brother got married? God, I thought that bitch wife of his was going to kill us all.”

“Julie’s not so bad,” I said.

“Not anymore,” Kaddy said. “But when she was planning that damn wedding, she was a nightmare.”

“I’m trying to keep my cool,” I said. “I haven’t lost it on anyone yet, but I’ve come close. Those people at the venues are such assholes. They’re the worst.”

“Which venues?” Kaddy asked.

“I’ve talked to people at the gardens just outside of town,” I said. “And that old converted carriage house in the square.”

“Both are beautiful,” Kaddy said with a nod.

“I want the gardens,” I said. “Or, at least, I think I do. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything anymore.”

Kaddy watched me closely. I could see the wheels turning in her head. She didn’t speak for a few minutes. I was beginning to wonder if something was wrong. Then, without warning, she sprang to her feet and extended her hand for me to take.

“What?” I asked nervously.

“Let’s get out of here,” Kaddy said. “Manis. Pedis. Something. Anything to get your mind off this crap for a little while.”

“I’m not sure that’s possible,” I said.

“Well, let’s try anyway.”

Kaddy pulled me to my feet. She grabbed her purse off the coffee table, and we hurried outside.

“There’s a place a block away,” Kaddy said. “They take walk-ins.”

I shrugged. “Sounds good.”

Kaddy led the way through the parking lot and down a side street. The nail salon was so close that driving seemed silly, so we walked in silence. I tried to let my mind clear, to allow myself a single moment of peace, but I couldn’t.

I thought about the wedding folder I’d left with Andrew. It wasn’t just the venue that needed to be booked, but the caterer and the bakery. The place settings and flowers had to be ordered. My dress still wasn’t chosen. And I realized as we entered the nail salon, that I hadn’t yet asked Kaddy to be my maid of honor.

“I can’t believe I haven’t asked you yet,” I said as we sat down in the pedicure chairs. “But will you be my maid of honor?”

“I assumed I already was,” Kaddy said with a laugh. “Unless you and Amy have just bonded so much over the past year.”

I shook my head and smiled. “Amy is a great friend, but she’s not you.”

“Well, who is?”

I snorted and leaned my head back against the seat. The pedicurist began her work on my feet. It felt strange at first, and my entire body fought against it. It felt wrong, unfamiliar. I wasn’t used to being pampered.

“Would you relax?” Kaddy asked. I opened my eyes and glanced at her. “You look like she’s pinching your toes off.”

I sighed and shook my head. Kaddy was right.

“I know,” I said. “It shouldn’t be this hard. A wedding is a good thing, right? It’s a celebration. I should be over the moon at the thought of planning it.”

“But what?” Kaddy said.

“But, I’m not.” I shook my head and felt a wave of guilt wash over me like nausea.

“Why not?” Kaddy asked softly.

“My mom,” I said.

My answer surprised me. The words left my mouth before I even thought them. I blinked and stared at Kaddy, horrified that I’d spoken the truth without meaning to.

“What about her?” Kaddy asked gently.

“It’s not the same without her here,” I said. “I used to imagine myself having a huge wedding, you know?”

“I remember,” Kaddy said.

“But in my dreams, my mom was always there,” I said. “She would help me pick out a dress. I would want gold, but she would demand I wear white. We would argue, but eventually, she would agree because it’s my day. My wedding. She would be there to iron out the details with the venue and the caterers, the bakery and the florists. Without her, it just doesn’t feel real.”

“It is real,” Kaddy said. “You can still have everything you wanted, Sophie.”

“What if it’s not what I want anymore?” I asked. “What if I don’t care about that stuff anymore?”

“Then, that’s okay, too,” Kaddy said with a shrug.

“Is it?” I asked. “Or is it unfair to Andrew. I mean, doesn’t he deserve a wedding, too?”

“Do men really care about that stuff?” Kaddy asked.

“It was his idea,” I said. “He wanted to move forward. Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about the wedding until he brought it up again. I’ve been so focused on raising Nina.”

“You haven’t thought about marrying him?” Kaddy asked, raising her eyebrows.

“I’ve thought about that every day for a year,” I said. “Being Andrew’s wife is something I want more than anything, but a wedding? I’m just not sure if I can handle it.”

“Well, you don’t have to think about it right now,” Kaddy said. “Just lay your head back, and enjoy the foot massage.”

I laughed and did as I was told. It wasn’t easy at first. My feet felt strange in the warm water, and the pedicurist’s hands were rough. But after a few minutes, I felt my shoulders begin to sink forward and the knots in my back begin to loosen. By the time the attendant moved to my hands, I was half-asleep and in a deep trance.

We finished with our nails and walked back to Kaddy’s apartment. I spent a couple more hours with her, laughing and talking like old times. Neither of us brought up the wedding, and by the time I left, I’d all but forgotten about my to-do list.

“Call me if you need anything,” Kaddy said as she hugged me goodbye.

“I will.” I smiled and let myself out.

As I drove home, the stress began to creep back in. Without Kaddy there to distract me, nothing could keep the worries away. I thought about my wedding folder and groaned, already dreading the massive amount of planning I would have to do in the morning.

I pulled into the driveway but didn’t get out of the car. The dining room lights were on. I knew Andrew and Nina were sitting at the table, ready for dinner. Just thinking about them brought a smile to my face. Despite how exhausted I felt, I couldn’t wait to see them.

I threw open my car door and hurried toward the front door. As I put my keys in the lock, I vowed to avoid the wedding for the rest of the night. I could only hope that Andrew would go along with my unspoken plan.