***
Jace appeared beside me in the pew as the minister got up and walked to the front to begin his spiel. I turned and pressed my cheek against his shoulder, taking in how good he looked in a suit.
"Hey, baby." He leaned down and kissed the side of my forehead.
"You're almost late." I turned back to face the front and swallowed hard as various pictures of my mother moved across the screens above. Charlotte had to have turned the pictures into the funeral home. I'd been too emotionally lost to do anything. Either her or my Aunt Debbie. I'd spent a few minutes before taking my seat to reconnect with all of them. It was good to see them, though I figured this would be the last time. They were private people and incredibly religious. They didn't take too kindly to drugs, alcohol or wild women. My mom having been deeply invested in all three vices. She'd been kicked out of the family around the time I was two. I couldn't remember much about any of it, but after my dad left the picture, she'd gone to her folks for help.
That hadn't gone exactly as planned.
"Friends, we're here today to celebrate the life and contributions of Emily Danielle Phillips. She is proceeded in death by-"
I tuned the world out as I sat up and scooted closer to Jace. He wrapped his arm around the back of my shoulders and held me tightly as the realism of the event hit me square in the chest. I glanced toward the casket, only able to see the top of my mother’s face, her button nose and perfect eyebrows catching my attention.
Sorrow swirled from the center of my chest down my legs, out my arms, up my throat, tightening my veins and closing down my lungs. The room seemed to grow dark, and I had to move or surely I would die sitting there.
"I can't... I can't do this," I whispered softly and got up, stumbling past Jace and moving out into the aisle. I ignored the stares of everyone around me, including Deza and Frank, who I didn't know were there.
I walked out into the foyer as my heart ruptured with pain. The gasp that left me sounded like someone coming up from the belly of the ocean in search of life. My legs crumbled beneath me and I reached out, grabbing at the dark gray blur in front of me. I tried to scream to let some of the pain rip from my insides, but nothing came out but loud, horrible sobs. I clung to the poor man in front of me and pressed my face against his neck as I let my soul bleed.
"Shhhhh... it's all right. I'm here. I'm not going to let you go, okay?"
Jace? Frank? My father?
I continued to cry, locked in the battle of a lifetime of hurts as I processed everything that had happen over the last few years with losing my older brother. My mother turning to drugs and her nasty asshole boyfriends to pull her through. My life becoming my own at seventeen and having to get a job and keep the house together as best I could.
"Riley. Come on, baby. Come back to me." Strong hands gripped my face as I turned toward someone wearing black.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I whispered hoarsely and prayed that I wasn't interrupting the funeral. I hadn't meant to. "I'm too loud, aren't I?"
"No. Not at all. Let it out." More hands on me, rubbing my back, running through my hair.
"There you are." Charlotte. I would know her voice anywhere. I turned toward her and sunk into her arms as I let the last of my anguish race from me. Where it had all come from or why it had built up to the point of exploding in the middle of my mother's beautiful funeral was beyond me.
"Let's get you home. You don't need to do any more of this. You were here and that's all that mattered." Charlotte turned me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders as I wiped at my tears.
I glanced to my left to see Jace in his pressed black suit move up to take most of my weight on him.
"Thank you," I whispered toward him.
"My purse. Fuck. I'll be right back. Take her to the car." Charlotte turned around and left us as she walked back toward the sanctuary.
Jace pulled me against him and cupped my face. "I'll always be here for you." He leaned down and kissed my lips softly before kissing my eyes, my nose, my cheeks.
I clung to him, needing his warmth more than I could ever remember needing it before.
"Don't leave me," I whimpered and buried my face against his chest.
"Never, baby. Never." He kissed the top of my head before his voice changed. "Hey man. Thanks for coming. You got here just at the right time, right?"
"Yeah, no problem. Is she-" Ethan.
I glanced up and wiped at my eyes, not quite sure what to think about him coming after not having called all week.
"I'm okay. Just trying to get out of my own head." I kept my arms around Jace, but gave Ethan my attention. "Thank you for coming."
"I wanted to call, but wasn't sure you really needed to chat with anyone." He reached out to touch my face and let his hand drop. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna go in there now. I'll check on you later." He turned his attention toward Jace. "Take care of her."
"I have been most of my life. That shit is not changing now." He extended his hand and shook Ethan's before returning his attention to me. "You ready to get back to the apartment?"
"I think so." I pressed my cheek to his chest and turned my eyes toward the door.
Ethan glanced back and studied me with pain on his handsome face. It should have been him holding me. We both knew it, but it wasn't. I gave him a sad smile and he nodded, like he understood my thoughts clearly. We weren't meant to be anything but good friends. We'd let lust jack us all over the place without even trying to fight against it.
Lust or love? Love would have called. Would have come. Would have sacrificed everything to be the one holding me in the lobby.
It wasn't love. It was lust. It was fun and felt so damn good when it was happening, but in a moment of true need... it never showed up.