Chapter Thirteen
AFTER SPENDING THE afternoon lying on the boat, then dozing beneath the warm sun, Caden thought the urge to tell Bella he loved her might have subsided, or at least lessened to a nag rather than a continuous, all-consuming need he could barely contain. Boy, had he been wrong. He fought the urge to share his feelings with every breath he took. After they arrived back at her cottage, Caden wanted to savor their last moments alone. He still felt a tether of guilt over those thoughts because of Evan, but all it took was one look at the love in Bella’s eyes for him to push that guilt aside and bring her hand to his lips.
“Sorry I introduced you into a world of debauchery?” Bella’s cheeks pinked up against the tawny glow of her fresh tan.
“Hardly a world of debauchery, and that was my idea, remember?” He leaned across the center console and touched her cheek. “Wait right there.” He stepped from the truck and opened her door. Bella shifted in her seat, placing her legs on either side of him. Caden folded her into his arms and breathed in the coconut scent of her suntan lotion.
“Mm,” she murmured. “Quite possibly the best Saturday ever.”
He drew back and gazed into her eyes. He knew committing to seeing him was a big step for Bella, and heck, it was a big step for him, too. He thought about her as much as he thought of Evan, and he couldn’t deny that he cared about her as much, too. But would he scare her off if he admitted it to her? All afternoon he’d tried to gauge her feelings for him, and he thought they were definitely on the same page, but what did he know? He hadn’t allowed anyone into his heart for years.
“If you keep looking at me like that, you’re going to make me worry,” Bella said. “You look like you’re debating breaking up with me.”
He smiled and touched her cheek. “Just the opposite.”
She drew her brows together.
“I think I’m falling in love with you.” His feelings didn’t tumble or jump from his lips. They came easily, softly spoken and smooth as silk. They were true, so stinkin’ true.
In the space of a breath, Bella’s eyes widened and her lips curved into a smile. Then her eyes narrowed and she hooked her finger into the waist of his bathing suit. Her lips parted—every second felt like a lifetime as he waited for a response that he could understand.
“Caden,” she whispered. Her eyes searched his and her mouth opened, as if she were going to say more; then she trapped her lower lip between her teeth.
He brushed her hair from her shoulder. “I can’t help it, babe.” His voice refused to speak louder than a whisper, and in this intimate unveiling of his heart, a whisper was all that was needed. She rested her forehead against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. Caden stroked her hair, wishing she’d say more—and wondering if he’d made a mistake by saying as much as he had.
Bella lifted her head at the sound of Vera’s violin. He repressed the heartache brewing inside of him in an effort to give Bella whatever space she needed to digest his words. When she finally looked up at him again, he still couldn’t read her thoughts.
It took every iota of his strength to step back and give her physical space as well as emotional room to think.
“I guess I’d better get Evan.”
“Caden.” She reached for his hand and drew him close again. “I feel it, too, but I’m scared. What if I don’t get a job here? What if my house doesn’t sell? My real estate agent left a message and I haven’t checked it yet. What if I have to move back to Connecticut because it doesn’t sell?”
He knew her well enough to sense that what she was really worried about wasn’t any of those things. He also knew her well enough to know that she might not want to admit the truth, but he had to try to get her to open up to him. At least to the idea of them.
“What if I lie to you?” he whispered. “What if I hurt you? Isn’t that what you really mean?”
She shifted her eyes away.
“Bella, I understand. Take all the time you need. Take years if you need it. One day you’ll see who I am and understand that I don’t take commitments lightly.”
“I know that.” She tightened her grip on his hand. “I feel the same way you do. When I’m with you, everything feels right.” She pressed her lips together and her eyes grew serious. “Know what scares me the most? When I’m with you, I let myself be vulnerable, and if you know me, you know I’m anything but vulnerable.”
“Bella…”
“Let me finish, because this is hard to admit out loud. If any other man had said they wanted to put locks on my doors and windows, I’d have sent them away. If they showed up at the beach when I was there with my friends just to make sure I was okay, I’d have thought they were too possessive and found excuses to distance myself from them. If they—”
Caden ran his hand through his hair and blew out a loud breath. “So, basically you’re saying that I’ve done everything wrong.”
“No,” she said quietly. “You’ve done everything right, Caden, and for the first time in my life, I’ve allowed myself to let someone do those things.”
“Okay, now you’re confusing me. So that’s a bad thing?”
“Yes, that’s a bad thing.” She held her hands up as if she were making total sense, and for the life of him, Caden had no clue why. Nothing she was saying made any sense to him. “Don’t you see?” she pleaded.
“Treat me like a student and walk me through it, because honestly, no. I’m completely at a loss. Isn’t it good that you feel comfortable enough with me to allow me to do those things?”
“Yes. It’s a good thing, but it’s like standing on a street corner naked and waiting for the guy you’re dating to drive by—and every time he does, you wonder if he’s going to throw tomatoes or whistle.”
She nodded again, as if she were making sense. She probably was, but not in man-speak.
“Come again?”
“Ugh! Okay. Listen carefully. This morning I noticed that there was a loose board on my deck, and my first thought was, Oh, Caden can fix that for me.”
“Sure. I’m happy to.” He never considered himself a complete novice in the world of women, but now he was having his doubts.
“That’s just it. I know you will, and before you, I’d have thought, Let me get my hammer.” She held her palms up again. “See the issue? With you I let myself be a…a…”
“Girlfriend?”
“A girl.”
He couldn’t stifle a laugh. “Sorry, but uh, if you weren’t a girl, then you and I would definitely never happen.”
“Tsk.” She playfully pushed his chest and smiled. “A weak girly girl. I left that girl behind in high school, and I worked really hard to become a woman who could be completely self-sufficient. But I’m so comfortable with you that I let you do things I can—and should—do myself.”
He did the only thing he could do. He wrapped her in his arms.
“Bella, Bella, Bella. It’s okay to be a girly girl. In fact, I love your strong, efficient side as much as your girly girl side. What’s the worst that happens? You let me do a few things you can do on your own, and in return I let you lead me down a path of allowing myself to have a life separate from my son?”
“Yes.” She smiled up at him. “That’s exactly it. Then if you hurt me, I have to get used to doing all those things again.”
“And if you break up with me? I’d have had a taste of life with you, and after being with you, there’s no going back. So we’re in the same boat.” He kissed her lips and felt her smile. “This would have been a lot easier if you’d just said that you feel the same way but you’re afraid of becoming too reliant on me.”
She jumped from the truck. “That’s what I did say.”
Caden shook his head to try to clear his confusion.
“Just to be sure I understand. You are falling for me? And it’s okay if I do things for you and treat you like a girly girl sometimes? Or should I not fix the deck and bring you flowers?”
She grabbed her tote from the back of the truck and swung it over her shoulder. “Falling for you, check. Bring me flowers, check. Fix my deck?” She went up on tiptoes and kissed the dimple in his chin. “You’re the first guy who picked up on my love of pink. You can fix my stupid deck as long as you know I’m completely capable of doing it myself.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a challenge?” He took the tote from her arm and carried it to the deck.
“No,” she said as she unlocked the door. “They usually call me a pain in the butt.”
“Well, there is that, but a welcome pain with a fine butt.”