Chapter Twenty-Four
BELLA UNLOCKED THE front door of her Connecticut home and stood in the doorway. Tears threatened, as they’d done since Caden said he needed a break. She tried to convince herself that this was all fated to be. What if fate wants me to be in Connecticut? Shut up! She had to believe that fate wanted her to follow her plan. Or maybe that fate sucked and she just had to make sure in her own mind where she belonged. She had a plan. She might have gotten waylaid, but she was back on track now, and she intended to stay that way. Lead with my mind, not my heart.
Two more companies that had been referred to her had signed up for the work-study program, meeting her twelve-company goal for the program. She’d met with the Barnstable County school board and had miraculously been able to hold her emotions at bay long enough to get an offer for full-time employment. When she’d gone to the Cape for the summer, getting that job offer was her top priority, and she was proud to have accomplished that goal.
It had been a tough decision to leave the Cape and return to Connecticut, even for just a day or two, but she had to walk into the school again and see if she still felt the desire to leave the place she’d called home for the last five years. Even before meeting Caden, she’d been excited about starting over in her favorite place on earth. But with her emotions all over the map, she had to be one hundred percent certain that she was either accepting her old job in Connecticut or the new job in Cape Cod for the right reasons—and those right reasons had to be her own. That’s why, despite pleas from Amy and Jenna not to go, she took off that morning and drove almost four hours back to Connecticut. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d forgotten something back at the Cape. The feeling had grown heavier with each mile she drove. By the time she arrived home, she realized that the something she’d left at the Cape was Caden and Evan. The distance between them felt terminal.
The house smelled and felt different. Empty. Still. Lonely. She’d lived in the house for four years, and it had never felt lonely before. She closed the door behind her and set her keys and purse on the table in the small foyer. She’d bought the Cape Cod–style home as a foreclosure and had been pleasantly surprised that there weren’t any major underlying issues. She’d painted the interior top to bottom, which had taken weeks, but she’d enjoyed making the house her own. She’d even patched two holes in the drywall, but she’d had to hire a plumber to fix two broken pipes in the basement and replace a bathroom sink.
She meandered through the cozy kitchen, the dining room she’d never used, and the living room where she watched Justified and Grey’s Anatomy. She wondered what it would have been like to watch those shows with Caden and Evan, and a shiver ran down her spine despite the warm summer day. As she ascended the stairs, she rubbed her arms to chase away the goose bumps. There were two small bedrooms upstairs: the master bedroom and a guest bedroom. Her bedroom was similar to the bedroom at her cottage, with a pink comforter and lacy throw pillows, white sheer curtains with pleated blinds, and a charcoal-gray shag area rug over hardwood floors. She ran her finger over the top of the dresser and picked up a framed photo of her, Jenna, Amy, Leanna, Tony, and Jamie from a few summers ago. As she stared at the photo, she couldn’t help but envision Caden and Evan in the mix. She set it back down and walked to the window. Her neighbor, Jeannie Mace, and her thirteen-year-old son were playing catch in their backyard. Her mind traveled to Caden and Evan. Her throat thickened. She drew in a jagged breath and turned away. She wanted to bury her face in her fluffy pillows until the pain of missing them subsided. The urge was so tempting that it sprouted wings and hovered around her, taunting her. Go ahead. Lay your head down and give up on your plans, your future. Wouldn’t it feel good to disappear into your broken heart?
Yeah, that was the problem. It would feel too good—for a few minutes. And then it would suck again. Big-time.
Bella wasn’t the kind of person to fall apart.
Then again, she’d never been in love before.
And she was sure that what she felt for Caden was love.
She eyed the bed. You know you want to flop onto your belly and have a good cry, the urge said as it zoomed around her head.
“Up yours,” she said to the empty room.
Bella ran down the stairs, snagged her keys and purse, and sped out of the driveway toward the school.
Her sandals clip-clopped along the linoleum floors as she hurried down the hall toward her classroom, breathing in the unique smell of high school. A different scent filled the halls during the school year than it did during the summer months. During the school year, the halls smelled of perfume, testosterone, and teenage lust, with a hint of the other scent most teenagers gave off—adolescent angst. Images of Evan flashed in Bella’s mind. She remembered the first moment she’d seen him, the evening of the beach bonfire, walking so close to Caden they could have banged shoulders and looking at his father with a mix of adoration and intrigue. She smiled at the memory of Evan and Jamie deep in conversation the night of the barbeque in the quad and the way his eyes lit up when Jamie invited him to stop by and learn about programming. Sadness pressed in on her as she recalled the way Evan had stormed out the back door of Caden’s house the night she joined them for dinner and the petrified look in his eyes when they were on the boat.
She missed him so much. Was he holding up okay? Was he feeling less stressed or clamoring to move back to Boston?
She was with teens all day nine months out of the year. How had Evan torn off a piece of her heart so quickly?
She entered her classroom and drew in another deep breath. Her phone vibrated, and she pulled it from her pocket, hoping it was Caden. Jenna. This was the third time she’d called in as many hours. Bella shoved her phone back into her pocket. She couldn’t talk to Jenna yet. She couldn’t talk to anyone yet. She wasn’t sure she was capable of talking without losing her voice to sobs.
She looked around the classroom. I loved teaching here. She loved her fellow teachers, and she even loved the way her windows faced the courtyard. During many stressful afternoons, she’d lost herself for a few blessed minutes gazing into the courtyard. Yes, she loved this place.
Loved. That was the operative word.
She could spend the next several years teaching the same classes and probably be content. But one thing she realized over the past few weeks of creating the work-study program was that she was missing out on the very things that excited her. Challenge. Diversity. Creativity. Content was no longer enough.
Each determined step she took down the hallway and toward the administrative offices solidified her decision. She was sticking to her stupid plan! These were her decisions.
After meeting with Kelsey and firmly turning down the job offer, she went home and began packing. She couldn’t keep her mind from wandering to Caden and Evan. Had they gone to Boston, and if so, had it made them both feel better? Did it bring back the sadness of losing George? If so, was Caden still sad when he returned, or was he strong and self-possessed as usual? Oh, how she wanted to call and ask him all those things, but if she called, she’d never make it through the day, and she had things to get done before she allowed herself to hear his voice again. She had to be strong. She was always strong.
Except she wasn’t always strong, and Caden understood that.
He loved that about her.
She forced herself to focus on packing. She reached up to the top shelf of her closet and brought down a shoebox. Her lips curved up into a half smile. She lifted the top of the box and her smile faltered; her hands began to shake. Tears welled in her eyes.
She reached into the box she hadn’t opened in years and ran her fingers over the pink fuzzy handcuffs. A single tear slipped down her cheeks as she picked them up and clutched them to her chest. The sadness she’d been fighting so hard to repress and ignore coiled in her belly, hot and venomous.
Caden. Oh, Caden. I love you.
She sucked in a breath as the sadness seared through her body, stealing her strength and her rationale. She collapsed to her knees, rocking forward and back and wailing like an abandoned child. The handcuffs were a joke. They were silly. Stupid. Asinine. But they brought the whisper of Caden’s breath against her cheek, his voice in her ear: Tonight I just want to be close. No games, no props, no diversions. I just want to love you.
I just want to love you.
The memory tore her insides to shreds. Racked by unyielding sobs, she rolled onto her side on the bedroom floor, where she lay until the sun dipped from the sky. Then she rolled onto her back and caught sight of her fluffy pink comforter, lacy pillows, and sheer, frilly curtains.
“What am I doing?” She stared up at the ceiling and swiped at her tears. “Get up,” she commanded.
No, thanks. I’ll just stay here. Me and the urge to wallow in sadness. Constant companions. Maybe strength is overrated.
“No more wallowing. Wallowing sucks.” She reached under the bed to retrieve her cell phone from where it landed when she shoved the silent thing away from her, but it was too far away. She stretched her arm under the bed, inching her fingers along the floor. Her fingertips brushed the edge of the phone. She pushed her shoulder as far under the bed as it would fit, cursing the low-style frame she’d fallen in love with. She could feel the edge. One more push and—Ugh! It slid farther away.
“Now is not the time to mess with me, you little electronic jerk.” She swung her foot under the bed and sent the phone spinning across the floor. On hands and knees, she retrieved the electronic nemesis, pushed to her feet, and flew down the stairs and out the front door.
She came out of the convenience store ten minutes later with an armful of chocolate. Chocolate didn’t make stupid decisions. Chocolate didn’t ask questions. Chocolate was the perfect companion.
If only Caden were there to share it with her.