You’ll be okay, right?” After the close call the day before, Ryan felt almost sick leaving Aimie alone.
He’d been out of the hospital long enough—and damn, so much had changed—and he wondered why he hadn’t bothered to actually plan for two or three days off after everything. It didn’t matter.
The one shift he’d done before the wedding had felt like a trip into the unknown, especially because he hadn’t worked with his usual colleagues since he’d taken a weird in-between shift he usually never worked. Now he was back on the evening shift, and hoped that Aimie would be okay from six to six. Hell, she’d be sleeping most of that time, or so he at least hoped.
“Of course I will be.” She laughed and then pushed him toward the door.
Ryan didn’t want to go.
“Aimie—”
“Ryan,” she interrupted. “I’ll go shopping, and will buy some food because you never cook, do you?”
He shook his head, gathering her in his arms. “I usually grab a bite in the cafeteria. Cooking for myself…” Hell, he didn’t know how to cook, but didn’t think it was something she needed to find out just yet.
Okay, maybe he did technically know how it worked, but it had been so long, he didn’t know if he’d manage to make decent meal.
“I get it,” she whispered and leaned into him. It was funny, after she’d nearly walked away, neither of them seemed able to stop themselves from touching the other one. She seemed just as desperate as he was.
It had cut the wedding celebration short for them, and Aimie had held onto him the whole time. He didn’t know what to think of that, but didn’t mind, either.
Ryan, I just…
Her words had lodged themselves into his heart, and they were growing there, giving him hope that maybe this would be the only obstacle thrown in their way. Maybe they had their troubles and it would be smooth sailing from there on.
“I know you do. You get a lot about me I didn’t think anyone could ever understand.” His phone vibrated in his pocket, reminding him he needed to be on his way in order to be on time.
“Go,” she urged. “I’ll watch a movie and then go to bed early anyway. I didn’t sleep so well last night.”
Yes, Ryan had noticed that, too. She’d tossed and turned, and then had cuddled into him again and again.
He only knew because he hadn’t been able to sleep very well, either, until he’d drawn her into his arms and they’d slept in until about noon. Even after that they’d only lazed around on the couch, kissing and cuddling like people who feared their time was running out.
Not that he’d minded being that close to her. He even wanted more.
Kissing her, he grabbed his jacket and pulled it on.
He had three months before she would go back to Australia if he couldn’t convince her to be his, and it was the worst feeling in the world.
“I’ll be back by quarter to seven. With any luck you’ll still be asleep and I’ll just sneak into bed with you,” he promised, and then kissed her again because he could.
“I’ll be fine,” he assured him again and he nodded toward the fridge.
“I put down the hospital’s number. If you need anything, call and they’ll get me on the phone. I don’t have my cell with me a lot of times because I’m worried about losing it or having one of the patients take it. Don’t ask.”
She didn’t. She just smiled. “I can handle myself, Ryan.”
He knew that. Somehow he also worried about that. “Make yourself at home. Get all that women’s stuff like pillows and decorations if you want to. Please, Aims, I want you to feel at home here.”
“How about rugs?” she asked, tapping her chin as she looked around.
“Remind me to leave you my credit card tomorrow.” He kissed her forehead, running late by now, and then left.
The drive passed in a blur with his mind back on the woman in his apartment.
Once at the hospital, he changed and put on his coat. “Dude, you’re late. I was worried you wouldn’t come because something happened.” River, one of his colleagues and a retired Marine, met him in the hall.
“I’m here,” Ryan replied, waking over to the nurse’s station to gather as much info as he could because he’d missed the shift change.
“Yes, and you’re in one piece, so it must be true what I heard through the grapevine. Vegas worked on you. You got married.”
Ryan considered ignoring that comment, but then figured if someone knew for sure, maybe everyone else would leave him alone.
“I went there with the intention of marrying. Do you remember Corporal Jesse Connor and his girlfriend, Tessa?”
“The girl who’d show up at night to help him through his night terrors, and during the day he refused to see her?” River asked.
“The same one. They got married yesterday. It was Tessa’s hens’ night, in a way. Vegas, that is. And she had one of her friends, Aimie, there. I…since I first saw her, I wanted her to be mine.”
He knew not only was River listening, but so were the nurses.
“Aren’t all her friends non-Americans?”
This hospital was way too well informed, Ryan decided.
“Yes. Aimie is Australian and unless I can convince her she wants me, she’ll be going back in three months’ time. I’m not ready for that.”
Or for this talk to keep going.
“Good, we settled that. Do me a favor and try to be on time anyway. Thinking I’d have to do the shift without you sucked.” River winked at him and then reached for the clipboard.
“We’ve had a case of trauma and PTSD. She was bad. Seriously. She was released three days ago. She’ll be back. I’m sure of it. She was okay inside the walls here, but I don’t think she’ll be okay outside of them. Her name is Leona and she’s a private first class. She was my patient until she thought she was in love with me. Obsessed more likely. Her brother was here, too. They just moved from…fuck, don’t remember. He brought her here because she needed treatment. He explained that she’s quickly developing fixations.”
Ryan didn’t like how that sounded. “How old?”
“Twenty-three. Her first tour went badly. I didn’t bother reading the whole account because honestly, it isn’t my business. I needed to treat the trauma. She fell off a ladder, supposedly while trying to clear the rain drain, but her brother thinks she was trying to watch the neighbor.”
Ryan absolutely didn’t like that. “Okay. We’re just hoping she doesn’t show during our shift. Anything else?”
“Just the usual. Welcome back, Dr. Spencer.” River slapped his shoulder and then walked down the hall with him.
Man, Ryan wished he was home with Aimie instead of working, and never before had that actually happened.
* * *
Aimie couldn’t deny that she regretted her outburst the day before more than she’d ever be able to make Ryan believe. She couldn’t even say any longer why the thought of not being able to tell people of her wedding had freaked her out so much.
Maybe because it had made her feel as if it hadn’t happened.
God, if Ryan knew she’d checked the certificate a million times so far, he’d probably ask her to leave right away. He’d told her in had happened, and she’d seen her signature at the bottom—granted, shaky, but hers—and yet she still kept going back to check.
Not because she wanted it to be a lie.
No, she needed it to be true.
Tessa’s cruel exercise of imagining herself never kissing Ryan again had terrified her, as well as having made her realize that she didn’t need to fall in love with him anymore.
She already loved him.
Her heart and mind were in agreement about that, no matter how crazy it sounded. She loved the way he always glanced at her when making a decision, as if he needed to be sure she was okay with him speaking for them both, or the way he touched her over and over. Not the big hugs or anything, although she loved them, but the brush of his fingertip when he passed her, or keeping contact with her when they sat together.
She craved that because it meant he needed to know she was still there, just like she needed to know the wedding had happened, no matter if she remembered it or not.
“You’re still listening to me, right?”
Aimie shook her head and then shifted the phone. She’d just stared minutes at the shelf with women’s products while thinking about what she’d done the day before, all the while ignoring Tessa on the other end.
Yeah, no honeymoon for that happy couple because they hadn’t wanted to take John—what honeymoon would that be?—and they hadn’t wanted to leave him with anyone else because he was their son and still tiny. They’d postponed the plan, but Tessa didn’t sound mad.
“Yes, I am,” Aimie replied.
“You’re not.”
Nope, she wasn’t, and it didn’t matter. She moved along the shelf until she found hair products and picked one she liked, then she kept walking. Her cart was half filled with food, and yet it wasn’t nearly as much as she wanted because she had no idea what Ryan ate, and though he’d probably watched her closely when they had food in Vegas, she hadn’t done that.
And the time they’d been home it had been take-out all the way. At first she’d thought he just didn’t want to waste time cooking, but then she’d bothered checking the fridge and it had made her realize he didn’t have any food in there.
“Nope, I’m not,” she admitted as she realized that Tessa had stayed silent.
“What’s on your mind?”
She looked around. “I’m in the middle of the store. I was going to cook, but honestly, I don’t know what he eats.”
“He’s back at the hospital, isn’t he?”
“Told me to feel right at home,” Aimie replied.
Tessa made a noise Aimie couldn’t place. “What’s that?”
“It is your home, Aims,” her friend pointed out.
Aimie browsed more shelves, wondering if anything would stick out, but nothing called to her and she decided to head for the checkout. “Doesn’t feel like it,” she eventually mumbled.
The woman on the other end stayed silent for so long, Aimie wasn’t sure what it meant. “Just say it, Tessy.”
“When I moved here with Jazz I felt the same. Even after putting things places, I didn’t feel like it was my home…until I realized it only bothered me when Jazz wasn’t there. I couldn’t have cared less about it when he was. I mean…I’d walk through the house all the same, but wouldn’t feel like a stranger, knowing he was at home.”
Aimie spotted some chairs for sale and paused there, her eyes on the checkout, but her mind fully on the topic now.
“And now?”
Aimie had seen the house. There was Tessa in everything: the decoration of the walls, the trinkets standing around, pictures, everything. It was so Tessa, even while there was no doubt a soldier lived in the house, too.
“When he’s not there, it’s not my home. However…when I’m with him, even the truck is the right place to be. Can you imagine sitting in Ryan’s car without him?”
No, Aimie couldn’t, but she was already smiling. “You’re saying he’s my home.”
“I’m saying Jazz is my home, but putting your touch on his apartment will remind him of the fact that you’re his home, too.”
Aimie liked that suggestion, and after they hung up, she turned away from the checkout and toward the part of the store where she’d find anything she could think of to make Ryan’s apartment less cold and a lot homier.
* * *
It was half past nine, and Aimie was standing in Ryan’s super expensive kitchen, singing along to one of her favorite songs when she realized she was happy. Things weren’t exactly easy, and they sure as hell weren’t everyday-life yet, but they were good. She didn’t look forward to sleeping alone in their bed that night, but she couldn’t wait to be awakened by Ryan coming home from shift, drawing her into his arms.
In fact, she wasn’t even sure she’d find any sleep at all because with Ryan she’d never noticed the noises his apartment made, but alone? Everyone knew the feeling. The kids were out of the house, or the partner on a trip somewhere, and suddenly the tree outside the window knocked harder against the glass than usual, or the fridge humming was more consistent than a person ever realized.
She was worried about those sounds because it would take a while until they’d go into her blood, being as familiar to her as those back in Australia were.
There was a pot of Bolognese cooking on the stove, and the scent made her mouth water. She’d filled the whole damn fridge up because wine and water wouldn’t do at all. She’d also peeled off price tags from a pan that had clearly never been used before.
It was funny—or rather sad—how much Ryan hadn’t lived in this apartment.
The doorbell rang and Aimie looked up in disbelief, checking the clock despite knowing Ryan had a key and a lot of hours left on the clock.
“Coming,” she announced loudly, throwing the dish towel onto the counter before walking over to open the door, finding Tessa, Hilary, Evy, and EmJay there. The latter was going to stay only a few more days, but until then Aimie wasn’t surprised she was up for everything.
“First night shift, so we handed off the kids and decided to come by.”
They girls pushed past her and she wasn’t sure, but she thought she caught a whiff of Asian food.
“We brought you something to eat, but I’ll trade you for noodles,” Hils announced instantly.
Aimie laughed, her heart light. She hadn’t minded being alone, but with the girls the time would pass much faster.
“Tank and Jazz are babysitting together. I’d give anything to see that,” Evy announced and Aimie arched a brow. She didn’t want to see that. The boys would be playing video games, Leila probably teasing John, and the little boy eventually would fall asleep.
“It’s good to have you all here, and no to the noodles,” she announced, wanting to offer plates to them, but the truth was she would’ve had to do it the way Tessa did: opening every cabinet until she maybe found the plates. Ryan had always gotten them and she honestly barely remembered from which side of the kitchen.
Tessa hopped up on the counter and Hilary followed her example, then they piled chicken and beef onto their plates. Emma propped her hip against the kitchen island and started to eat her noodles while Evy picked something from every carton they’d brought.
Aimie crossed over, enjoying the sound of happy chatter and music filtering through the otherwise silent apartment.
“So,” Hilary started around a mouthful of chicken, “did he forgive you? Did you forgive you?”
And bam, the silence was back with a vengeance, as if even the softly playing radio waited for her answer. It was only when she glanced at Evy that she realized her friend had turned it down.
They were all waiting for her answer, even though two of them hadn’t witnessed her breakdown.
“I don’t know. And yes, that’s the answer to both.”
She grabbed her plate and put some noodles on it, as well as some duck and fried chicken.
They chewed in silence for a moment, and then Evy cleared her throat. “What happened? After you came back in with him, you didn’t let him go. It was as if you were afraid he’d vanish.”
Aimie had been turning that over and over in her head and maybe talking about it out loud would help her. “Honestly? I cannot tell you. I was watching Jazz and Tessa, and it was just crazy and horrible and I don’t know, intense.”
“Crazy?” Emma echoed.
“Horrible?” Tessa repeated and Aimie sighed.
“Opening my eyes in Vegas, I didn’t care. I mean, I didn’t care if I remembered shit or not. Standing there yesterday I worried he’d just…I don’t know. That if I didn’t remember it, it didn’t happen, and he’d be able to make me leave, would say it was all a mistake. The thought of that was horrible, and when I was outside, I stood there, and thinking we’d never have a story to tell, that we didn’t do the wedding right and—”
“First you were afraid—” Hilary started and Emma threw herself into a pose.
“She was petrified,” she sang horribly wrong and Aimie smirked.
“First you were afraid Ryan would make you leave, that you and he wouldn’t be together anymore, and your next reaction was to break up with him? To call it all off?” Hilary finished, and Aimie shrugged.
This, too, was the part where she always got lost.
“I get it,” she suddenly heard and glanced around until finding everyone staring at Evy.
That was support from an unexpected source. The two came along, but never had been close, and Aimie was sure sometimes Evy disliked her.
“You do?” Aimie asked, surprised.
The dark-haired woman met her eyes. “I do. Sometimes when I look at Tank, I think I love him too much, I need him too much, and I feel like telling him to fuck off and leave me alone. It’s the weirdest thing, but instead of wanting to hold on, I feel like pushing him away before he decides to leave me.”
God, yes. That was what Aimie was feeling. It described her situation perfectly.
“And what are you doing in those situations? What helps?” she asked and Evy shrugged.
“The moment he’s around, I basically plaster myself to him. He knows my moods, and he gets extra tender, extra sweet, and kisses and holds me until I can remind myself he wouldn’t walk away.”
Aimie pushed her food around her plate, contemplating her answer, when her phone rang.
It was as if Ryan had actually felt her worry, because it was his name flashing across the screen, and she couldn’t help but grin as she picked up to talk to him.
* * *
The shift seemed endless although he was just a few hours in. He missed seeing Aimie, and although people were mostly happy for him about having found a wife, he’d heard the snickers that still passed through the hallways.
“Tell me, doc,” one of the nurses, Lou, said as they made their way from one patient to the next, “what made you think you needed to have a Vegas wedding? There were enough women here ready to marry you the classical way.”
If she wasn’t twenty years his senior, he might have felt insulted. Instead he gave her a long look.
“I didn’t want just any woman, Lou. I wanted Aimie. Still do. But being here now, I realize I won’t have as much time with her as I’d have hoped. I cannot help but think that it’s different if you meet someone in grad school and they grow with you into this job. But having someone from the outside, someone who’s not a doctor live with that is weird.”
She stayed silent a moment, checking into the next room, but Ryan saw from the door that the patient was asleep. Lou checked his vitals, and then she returned to his side.
“Do you love her?”
He’d never loved anyone before, that much he knew, because everything he felt for Aimie, felt around her, was different from what he’d known so far.
But was it love?
“When I gave her my vow to be her husband and to always protect her, I thought I did.”
Lou huffed. “That changed fast,” she muttered, disapproval clear in her tone.
“It didn’t. I didn’t think I could feel any differently for her, and I thought it must’ve been love. Turned out each minute I spend with her, I want her more, so I don’t know if I already love her, or if I’m growing to love her, but I know I didn’t when I told her ‘yes.’ I was crushing then, hard, and falling the next day…I don’t think I’ve stopped yet,” he mused, meaning it.
“Well, doc, sounds like you got yourself the right woman for an experiment like this,” she finally stated and he grinned, but it faded fast.
Lou’s expression softened. “Something’s still wrong,” she muttered and he nodded, rubbing his chest.
He didn’t know what it was, but he felt as if he couldn’t exactly breathe right. He described his symptoms before suddenly facing her with shock. “Is that a heart attack? Panic?”
Lou laughed. “Maybe you just miss her? Call her up. It’s quiet right now, so whatever. I’ll just page you when I need you,” she offered and Ryan nodded gratefully, making his way to his locker.
He dialed; it didn’t take long until the call connected.
“Hey,” Aimie whispered softly. There was noise in the background, as if she had the TV on, and he tried to picture what she was doing, when—
“Hello, lover boy! We totally invaded your apartment.”
“Was that Hilary?” he asked in disbelief.
“Ryan! Your apartment is pretty, but dead. What the hell have you been doing here all the time you lived here?”
“Be nice, Tessa,” Evy scolded and Ryan couldn’t hide his grin.
“They are all there, aren’t they?” he asked, laughing.
“I miss you.” Aimie’s words were quiet, almost silent, and they did something to him, to his heart.
“I’ll be back in a few hours. Until then you have the girls there, and then you’ll be asleep.”
She stayed quiet for a moment and he longed to be by her side, to hold her. “I cannot wait to have you back. We were just talking about yesterday, about what happened, and Evy put it really well,” she said, ignoring what he’d just told her.
“She did?”
“I’m terrified of losing you, of you walking away from me, and I figured maybe if I could, you know, be the first to do it, it wouldn’t hurt as much. I was literally standing there, wishing you were close, and your picture appeared on my screen. As if you knew.”
He swallowed. “That you wanted to run?”
“No, Ryan. That I needed something from you. I’m not running. Evy was right about what I felt yesterday, and I probably will have those mild panic attacks more often, but didn’t you hear the most important part?”
“You’re terrified of losing me?”
“I don’t know much about you except that you don’t cook and never had a girlfriend who did, but yes, I cannot imagine losing you. We’ve had a handful of days together, and it’s my life. I was standing in your kitchen earlier, and for the first time in such a long time I was actually happy.”
“And I wasn’t even there,” he complained, realizing she’d not meant to scare him, but to tell him he was important.
God, now he wanted to be home even more.
“Aimie?”
“Ryan?”
“I think I’m in love with you. And I cannot wait for this shift to be over. I never realized how long they were until I knew someone was waiting for me. Thank you for putting my life into perspective.”
His beeper went off and he glanced down. “Listen, I—”
She laughed, the sound tender. “I heard. I know what it means. Go, doc. I’ll see you in our bed.” She kissed the phone and he hung up after telling her bye, resting his cell against his forehead for a few seconds, then he put it away.
He’d just told her he was in love with her, and suddenly he worried it had been too soon, too much pressure, but when his cell announced an incoming message and he went back to check, he saw just two words on his screen that made everything better:
I just…
* * *
It was almost eight when Ryan arrived home. He’d showered at the hospital because he didn’t want to wake Aimie, and yet it had felt like a fucking eternity. There’d been someone with a stomach bug coming to the hospital, but had started throwing up blood instead. Luckily Ryan’s relief had come and he’d been able to get away eventually.
Slipping out of his jeans downstairs—where the scent of noodle sauce lingered in the air and made his mouth water— he made his way to the bedroom, glad that he could find his way in the dark easily.
He had shutters that blocked out light completely if you wanted it, and it seemed Aimie had needed the room almost pitch-black.
He sat down, careful to not hurt her, and reached for her, satisfied when he found her on his side of the bed. He crawled under the blanket, soaking up her warmth, and gathered her in his arms.
She sighed in her sleep and it took him a second to notice that she wasn’t just wearing pjs, but most likely one of his pullovers because she had his scent all over her.
Rubbing his nose alongside her neck, he gently kissed her cheek.
Finally she shifted, stretching, and he almost regretted waking her when she tuned in his arms, cuddling into him until there was no room left between them.
“You’re home.” Her voice was heavy with sleep, adorable, and holy fuck, also sexy as hell.
“Yes.” He didn’t say more, only found her lips and kissed her until he had enough. She cupped his face with her hands, the heat of her skin warming him until his heart did flip-flops in his chest
“Good.” She cuddled into him again and he held her tightly.
“Is that my hoodie?”
She rubbed her legs along his. “And your sweatpants. It was lonely and cold without you in bed,” she apologized and he chuckled.
“It’s perfect.”
“You’re not ever going back to work, right?” she asked and he wished he could tell her exactly what she wanted to hear.
“Well, I will, but I promise I’ll always come back to you.”
She stayed silent for a moment and then nodded against his chest. “I can live with that.”