They rushed her into surgery the moment they reached Community Hospital and Ryan was left to wait in unfamiliar halls. He almost wished they were at the Army Hospital. He knew the staff there, knew the halls, the rooms, everything. He wouldn’t feel as helpless.
There, he’d be a doctor.
Here, he was just another husband about to lose his wife. He started pacing the waiting area, going over everything that had happened that day, wondering what he could have done differently to maybe anticipate this, to avoid it. What they could’ve done to change the outcome of this day.
“Ryan!”
He looked up, surprised to find Tessa flying into his arms, followed by Evy and Hilary, Jazz and Tank, and finally River.
“I called Corporal Connor because I know you guys are close,” River muttered, his face questioning, and Ryan realized that Gabby couldn’t have told him much.
Someone grabbed his chin, forcing him to meet chocolate eyes.
“What happened? Ryan, tell me right the fuck now. How is she? Can we see her?” Tessa asked, her voice filled with panic before they softened. “God, Ryan.” She hugged him again and he let her, drawing her in until he knew he was hurting her.
“She was stabbed,” he whispered, or at least he thought he did because the collective gasp made it quite clear everyone had heard him.
“What? God, Ryan, are you okay?” Tessa pulled back, giving him the once-over and he looked down at himself, seeing he was covered in Aimie’s blood. He was wearing mainly black, and dark jeans, but he knew if you looked for it, you could see the bloodstains.
“I’m okay. I found her on the ground. She’d tried to call herself help, but couldn’t finish. I don’t know what else happened. I mean…my neighbor saw a woman walking down the stairs with a knife. She muttered about rivers.”
He met his colleague’s eyes and River’s brow furrowed. “Come again?”
“Sit, Ryan. Do you need anything?” Jazz asked and Ryan shook his head.
“I’m perfectly fine.”
Jazz arched a brow. “You’re trembling so hard, your teeth are chattering.”
Was that the staccato sound Ryan heard and couldn’t place? “It’s a panic attack probably. Get him some water. Ryan, sit and put your head between your knees,” River ordered.
Ryan did as he was told, especially when soft hands pulled him over to the rows of chairs. His head was spinning and he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. Could it really be that the stalker, River’s stalker, had followed her for whatever reason?
“Dr. Spencer?”
Ryan glanced up at the voice he didn’t recognize. It was a police officer, rather young if he had to guess.
“Can I ask you some questions? We didn’t get that far at the apartment, and it seems there was a crime.”
Ryan stood. “Of course it was a crime! She was stabbed! They are in there, trying to fix her and stitch her back together and you come here, acting as if—”
“Ryan.” It was Tessa and he glared at her.
“What?”
“It’s not his fault. It’s his job. However, I do think this can be done another time.” He watched as she nodded at someone over his shoulder, and when he glanced back, he saw River bringing the police officer away.
“How long has she been in there?” Evy asked, pointing over her shoulder. All of the girls were pale, but he was thankful that they mainly stayed silent. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to not cry right alongside them if they’d be bawling their eyes out.
“Here, your water,” Jazz offered, holding out a glass. Ryan took it and downed it in a long pull, forcing the glass back into his friend’s hand when a surgeon came.
“Ryan Spencer?”
“Here.”
He stood, grateful when everyone else stayed back. “I’m Dr. Carson Dell, lead surgeon during your wife’s surgery. We stopped the bleeding and the stitches were kept to a minimum. I’m worried about the trauma to her organs and the blood she lost.”
He heard the words, knew he should know the meaning, but he couldn’t translate them for himself. “Will she be okay?”
There was no smile, but the doctor was also missing the heavy air as if something fatal had happened.
“She will if she makes it through the night. Her heart is weak and we gave a blood transfusion, we put her into a coma for the surgery, but she hasn’t come around yet, which has me a little worried.”
Which was no surprise at all. If it were his patient, he’d be worried, too. “Can I see her?”
“Can we all?” Tessa asked
“Only one person for now. She’s staying in the intensive care unit for now,” the doctor explained.
“Tell her we love her. We’ll be here, Ryan.”
He glanced at his friends, at River, and then shook his head. “I’ll be staying by her side. I’m not going anywhere unless she opens her eyes,” he announced.
No one said anything, and he couldn’t have cared less as he followed the doctor. “I understand the sentiment, Mr. Spencer, but you should probably change at some point because you look horrible. Is that really what you want your wife to see when she wakes up? Her blood?”
“I hadn’t realized I asked for your opinion, or that this has anything to do with her condition right now. You’re a doctor. Stick to your métier and leave me alone.”
Except he usually gave patients and families unsolicited advice, more than he cared to admit, so he could understand Dr. Dell felt the need to say something.
“Look, I know it’s stressful, but your wife needs to avoid all things that could rile her up. You being covered in blood will not keep her calm. This is your stop.”
Ryan stared at the door and then sighed. “I’ll change as soon as I see her, as soon as I get a chance to…” He didn’t know what he was expecting, but he knew he needed to see Aimie.
Stepping inside, he walked around her bed, ignoring the clipboard with all the medical terms and her condition, and went to her side.
Maybe he liked being a husband more than being a doctor, because husbands could hope, while doctors knew reality, and that was the last thing he could face.
* * *
By one a.m. Ryan couldn’t sit anymore. Aimie’s breathing was regular and soft, but he didn’t like the fact that she hadn’t woken, not even when he’d tried to talk to her, touch her, call her back to him.
Stretching, he figured he should finally go and change, especially because he did feel disgusting in his clothes by now.
He walked along the hallway that, if you looked closer and weren’t in total panic, was a lot like the hallways he knew. White walls, fake art, busy nurses. There were patients and noise, everything he was used to, yet this was all so much different. He couldn’t leave after his shift was done.
Entering the waiting area, he found his friends still there, and River was the first to spot him. “How is she?”
“Unconscious,” he muttered. “I’m going to change.”
Jazz stood, Tessa’s hand in his right one, and a bag in the other. “We got you clothes. River still has your spare key.”
It had been from a time before Aimie, before there was someone occupying his life. Ryan had River’s key, too, and couldn’t help but think that they’d been smart some years back.
“Thank you.” He didn’t know what else to say.
Tessa pointed at something over his shoulder. “We asked a nurse earlier, and since you’re Aimie’s husband, they agreed to let you shower here. Jazz packed everything for you. I packed everything for her.” She looked uneasy and Ryan hugged her.
“If you forgot something, it’ll be okay.”
She nodded, glancing at Jazz, then cuddled into him. “We’re not leaving. If you need anything, just let us know.”
“Where’s Johnny?” He should’ve realized they hadn’t brought the children—and the stand-in nanny.
Tank stepped forward. “Ela will watch them for as long as we need it.” Jazz’s mother loved Tank almost like her own son, and she loved the children even more.
“You can go home.” He didn’t want them to leave. He didn’t want to talk to them, either, but he liked knowing they were all there.
“We’re staying until she’s awake,” Hilary insisted.
“It might be after you all start working,” Ryan pointed out.
Tessa shook her head. “She’s going to wake up before that. She wanted things to be great between the two of you, and it finally is, so she’ll wake up. I know she will,” the blonde assured him and he wished she was right.
“What if not?”
“She will, Ryan. Start believing in that, okay?” Evy demanded, speaking for the first time. They were all pale, and obviously exhausted, and suddenly Ryan felt a kind of kinship he couldn’t remember ever having felt. These people were his friends, and they weren’t going to leave his side when he needed them, no matter how often or not they spoke.
“God, guys, I love you. If this ends well, we’ll celebrate the wedding. You know, we’ll have a reception. A real one. With music and alcohol. And laughter. So much laughter.”
He felt tears coming to his eyes, wondering why he hadn’t thought of that before. “If she survives and is up and running again, we’ll have a lot of celebrations. Every month. All the time.”
Because that was what he wanted.
Family.
Friends.
Joy.
And most of all, Aimie by his side.
“Although…you might have to come and visit us for that.”
“Visit?” Jazz asked, confused.
Ryan nodded, knowing River had been right. “Aimie is my home, and if she wants to go back because her parents are in Australia? I’ll be going with her. I’ll be fine as long as I have her back by my side.”
Tessa smiled and the girls exchanged meaningful glances. “Go and shower,” Tessa ordered. “And then go back so you’re there when she wakes up.”
He couldn’t put in words how much it meant to him that she kept saying ‘when’ instead of ‘if.’ It was the only thing giving him hope now.
* * *
Coming to was like surfacing from drowning, or so Aimie imagined it. Her mind seemed to take forever to clear, and when it did she was flooded with memories and small flashbacks.
The knife on her stomach.
The blood.
The agony.
She didn’t have to think about where she was, didn’t need to ask what had happened to her because as it was, she remembered. She remembered everything clearly and knew she had to be in the hospital. Opening her eyes, she blinked against lights she considered way too bright at first, but which slowly dimmed.
They dimmed so much, Aimie noticed it was still night outside. Regular beeping announced her steady heartbeat and while she wasn’t in pain at all, she nearly choked on the tube in her throat.
She should’ve gotten worried about that, but instead she felt detached, breathing through her nose, trying to not throw up.
She’d never have children.
It had been the first thought she had through all the cotton in her mind, and it was the only thought that mattered.
Aimie cursed all the crime shows she’d seen, all the doctor shows, too. They didn’t necessarily teach the truth, but she’d seen enough and heard enough about trauma to the abdomen to know this couldn’t possibly be good for her family plans.
Family plans she hadn’t realized she was desperate to fulfill until suddenly it seemed impossible.
“Honey, you’re awake. Here, let me get that out.” A nurse came in, gathering her in his arms to lift her up, peeling off the Band-Aids and then pulled out the tube. Aimie coughed and then lay back down.
“Are you in pain?”
She shook her head, wondering if she could get rid of the other machines now that she was awake. She wanted to curl onto her side, pull her legs up and cry.
“Do you need anything?”
“Can…” Her voice was rough, and speaking painful.
The nurse nodded as if Aimie had said something. “That’ll hurt for a little while longer. It’s because of the breathing aid, but you’ll be peachy soon.”
Aimie doubted that. “Can I get rid of the machines?”
The nurse’s expression filled with regret. “Sorry, that would be a no for now. As soon as we have a doctor see you in the morning, we’ll assess the situation again, okay?”
Aimie nodded, wondering where Ryan was, and if he already knew what that meant. Had they told him before she woke? Would he be okay with it?
Would she ever be?
Wrapping her hands around her stomach, she moved onto her side as much as she dared, feeling tears burn behind her eyelids.
“Honey, you will be okay one day.”
She’d not even realized the nurse was still there. “Please leave.” And where’s my husband?
She was terrified of asking the question, terrified of hearing the answer in case he’d walked straight out.
“Your husband will regret not being here when you woke up,” the nurse continued, ignoring Aimie.
So Ryan at least was there. It made the tears rush forward, and she started to sob.
“I’ll go and find him.”
Aimie wasn’t sure if she’d nodded, or just had wanted to, but the nurse left either way.
God, if only something would help against the screaming pain in her mind, against the visions of her with a baby. Why was she thinking about that now, couldn’t focus on anything else?
Like…she was alive. She hadn’t died, even though the stalker had tried her hardest.
She also seemed to be better off than she’d feared when the blood had pooled around her and still, that didn’t matter to her.
Her mind was one-tracked, focused on how the stalker had taken lives anyway. Lives of the children she might have had one day. Lifting the blanket, she pulled up her shirt, not able to see her stomach.
Struggling to sit up in anger and panic, she tore on the wrappings, peeled off the tape holding her bandages, ready to see the wounds, the cuts the woman had left in her, and ultimately the scars she’d carry around forever.
“Jesus,” she spat angrily as the tape got stuck, her hands trembling too much to get it off. “Come on, I just need to see. Just one look!” She still tore at herself, not caring about what damage it might cause when warm hands covered her ice-cold ones.
“Aimie, please. Stop.” Ryan. She recognized that voice although his face was blurry due to the tears streaming down her face.
“No, I need to see!”
He didn’t budge, just brushing the bandage back into place. “No, you don’t.”
“Yes. Yes, I do,” she insisted, feeling the bed shift as he sat down on the side, her hands in his wrists even as she struggled. “Let me go. I need to see the cuts. I need to see what the bitch has done to me. I need to…” She didn’t finish, struggling more the tighter his grip got until she found herself pressed against his body, her face buried in the crook of his neck.
“Let me go. I need to…please, Ryan…” She could barely breathe due to her sobs, the hiccups shaking her body and making pain zip through her. Either the meds were wearing off, or she’d disrupted something.
“You’ll be okay. You’re safe. You’re fine.” He kept repeating the same words over and over, brushing his fingertips along her spine, his lips pressed against the side of her head.
“I won’t be. We won’t be. We can’t be,” she sniffled and felt how he shook his head.
“We’re moving as soon as possible. I promise. Wherever you wanna go, we’ll go and—”
She pulled back so she could look at him. “And that will make everything better? Ryan, you know what this injury means. You know how much damage stabs can cause. You—”
His eyes looked haunted. “Are you in pain?”
She slapped his chest angrily. “Don’t try to change the topic. How bad is it, Ryan? How bad?”
His brows furrowed in confusion, as if he couldn’t understand the question, and she nearly screamed.
“How bad is my injury?” she clarified.
“You went into surgery, and had a lot of stitches. You’ll have scars, but that should be about it.”
He sounded sincere and yet Aimie didn’t believe one word. How could she, when he was a doctor trained in delivering bad news?
* * *
Aimie’s tear-stained face nearly killed him, but when a look of disbelief crossed her features, he suddenly no longer knew what was going on.
“Don’t placate me, Ryan. I’ll find out anyway. Just tell me I cannot ever bear children. Just tell me right away.”
He blinked, stupefied, and then nearly laughed out of relief. “God, Aimie, no. I didn’t lie to you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I won’t lie, one of your ovaries was damaged severely, but that’s what nature created two for. The scars on your skin might feel tight when your belly grows with a child, but you’ve been lucky. There was no damage to your uterus. The internal bleeding was stopped, although you were cutting it close.” He paused, remembering the exact moment when he’d decided to read her file just to know what they could expect, although he’d never once thought about children. It was more about long-term effects, and there’d be none.
Besides the psychological trauma, that was.
“Are you serious?”
He nodded. “You can still bear all my beautiful daughters.”
She collapsed into him, relief loosening her muscles, and finally her sobbing ebbed away. “I couldn’t stop thinking about that. It was the very first thought I had, before I recalled why I was there. I worried you’d leave me. I was terrified because I suddenly wanted children badly. Not just a little, but so much, and thinking I couldn’t have any…” She shook her head. “Jesus, that was horrible. Even when all the flashbacks came, that thought was still there. But…aren’t you supposed to not remember what happened? Draw a blank? I remember, Ryan…I remember every bit. The way she looked at me. The way she accused me of cheating on you. The way she rammed that knife into my stomach the first time….”
Her breath was coming fast and she started to tremble again. Ryan cupped her cheeks and then drew her in. “Shh, Aimie, you’ll be okay. You’re safe. No one can get to you here.” He swallowed. “And we’ll have babies. I promise. As many as you want. I want them all with you.” He held onto her, squeezed her tightly, giving her time and space, when she started to speak again.
“It was his stalker. River’s stalker. She saw me and him, and he poked my stomach, and she thought I was pregnant. Like…by him. She was all confused and crazy, and didn’t believe me. I didn’t sleep with River. I don’t even like him that way. I don’t see anyone but you. I—”
“Shh, Aimie, I believe you. I know you didn’t. She’s insane. All stalkers are. The police are out looking for her. Hey, the girls are here. Do you wanna see them?”
She shook her head. “I wanna go home with you.”
His stomach dropped, but he remembered what he’d sworn to himself. He’d follow her no matter where. “We will, as soon as you’re fit to go anywhere.”
“Someone needs to clean the blood from the floor before it permanently stains the wood. And I need to have all the bad memories replaced with good ones. Like…right now.”
His apartment. She was talking about his apartment as her home.
“So…you’ll stay?”
She blinked up at him as if he was speaking another language. “Stay with you?”
“Here, in Monterey? I mean, we can totally go back if you want to, but—”
She shook her head. “Why wouldn’t I want to? We’re married and I love you. Have loved you since before I said yes. Wanted you even longer. I have you. Why would I go anywhere? The last days leading up to this were perfect. Just…perfect. I want so many more of that. And how would we make those babies if we didn’t stay together?”
“Aimie…” He gathered her in his arms, burying his face in her hair. “God, I cannot believe you’re here and mine. I thought I’d lost you. You were so cold.” She no longer was, and yet he wondered how long it would take for his brain to overcome the fear of finding her skin clammy whenever he touched her.
“I’m fine. You said so yourself.”
Yes, and now that her panic had calmed, his skyrocketed, as if he feared something could still happen. She winced and he pulled back, remembering her earlier attempts to see her wounds.
“Lie back down,” he ordered gently, relieved when he didn’t see fresh blood. Everything seemed okay and he exhaled slowly. “Are you in pain?”
She hesitated a moment and then nodded.
“Let me get you something.” He moved to get up, but she grabbed his arm.
“Just call for the nurse. I’m not ready for you to leave my side.”
As much as the situation sucked, he couldn’t deny that he loved hearing those heartfelt words, especially because he didn’t see himself leaving her for long periods of time, either.
“Done,” he whispered after hitting the button, and then he sat down close to her and gathered her in his arms again, watching from where they sat how the sun’s first red hue appeared on the horizon.
The night had been long and dark for Ryan, but finally he had a feeling that everything would be just perfect.