It was weird walking into the hospital, knowing she’d again have to ask someone for her husband. It would probably be the second time she’d said that out loud to someone who didn’t know them, and the thought made her giddy.
They’d implemented regular calls and reminders into Ryan’s day because he wanted to make sure he’d never again need to grovel when Hilary was around, and Aimie didn’t ever want to feel as insignificant as she had a few days earlier. At least not when she cared about Ryan so much there was no chance to ever forget him.
“Miss, can I help you?”
A nurse stood and Aimie realized she’d just walked past the nurses’ station in hopes of seeing a white coat somewhere.
“I’m looking for my husband,” she stated.
“Which ward is he on?”
Taken aback, Aimie blinked, when another doctor joined them from her left. He was maybe forty, had dark hair graying on the sides, and his dark eyes showed signs of a happy life. He was handsome, Aimie wouldn’t ever deny that, but he was nothing compared to the doctor she was actually looking for.
“Mrs. Spencer,” he greeted her and she couldn’t be sure, but it sounded as if the nurse behind her suddenly huffed in disapproval.
“Hey,” she said nonetheless, shaking the hand the doctor held out.
“I heard so much about you. I’m River, I don’t know if—”
“Former Marine, yes, I heard about you, too. It’s so good to finally put a face to the name.” And it was. He was one of Ryan’s favorite colleagues, because working with him was easy—or so Ryan kept saying.
“Well, I guess he doesn’t carry my picture around like he does yours.” River winked and Aimie blushed crimson.
“He does?”
A male nurse stepped to her side. “You must be Aimie. Damn, you’re even cuter in person. I’d have married you in Vegas, too. Ryan’s coming up in a sec,” the guy reported and then was gone again.
Ryan was showing her picture around at the hospital.
She could hardly believe it.
“He sure does,” River whispered, leaning. “He doesn’t with the nurses because they are all mad you snatched him up. Much better choice, so I understand him. Anyway, does he know you’re here?”
Aimie pointed over her shoulder at the nurses’ station. “Seems he does know, if you believe the guy.”
“Danton, he’s young and new and all over the place,” River explained. Aimie decided to not keep up with the names because her heart was in her throat as she realized it would be all eyes on them the moment Ryan came.
“So, you’re from Australia? How did he score you? And what are you doing here? Making sure his old ass doesn’t forget a pretty lady like you again?”
He’d told River about that, too.
Seemed Ryan had a best friend and didn’t even realize it. “Actually, I am on my way to meet some friends and thought I’d drop by and see if he can have a sandwich. Meaning I also brought lunch.” She held up the paper bag, which was snatched from her from behind.
“Oh God, pulled pork. My favorite. Hey sweetie.” Ryan wrapped her in his arms, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Did he bother you?”
“No bother at all. He’s quite handsome, so I enjoyed ogling him while he thought I was listening to him talk,” Aimie replied easily and both guys burst out laughing.
“Better keep her, Ryan, or count on guys to wait in line and take your place. You know where I am, Mrs. Spencer.” River gave her another wink and then left them alone. Ryan pulled her down the hall into a nook, then he kissed her, wrapping her in his arms as if he never wanted to let her go again.
“It’s so good to see you. I was thinking about you all morning,” he whispered against her lips.
“I’m on my way to meet Tessa and Evy. I just wanted to drop off lunch, and remind you I won’t be home until nine or ten,” she explained and saw his shoulders droop.
“I forgot. Girls’ night because…what movie is on?”
“None. We’re watching Netflix.”
“You can do that at our place,” he pouted and she kissed his lips, somewhat glad it would be him waiting.
Then again, maybe he’d just stay at the hospital longer.
“It’s more fun with them. I cannot drool with you.” She grinned and then checked her watch. She really needed to get going.
Going onto her tiptoes and drawing his head down to her, she claimed his mouth, hoping to leave him with longing.
The problem was, if it worked, it didn’t only work on him.
* * *
The moment Aimie turned, he drew her back against him. She giggled as he kissed his way up her shoulder to her ear and then nibbled on her earlobe.
“Will you be home faster if I promise to wait naked in bed for you?”
She glanced over her shoulder at him, arching a brow seductively. “Even if you weren’t, I’d make sure that’s how we end the night. I need to get going.”
She turned in his arms and let him kiss her again. He couldn’t get enough of it, and hadn’t forgotten her since that horrible day. He knew the biggest reason was because he suddenly was constantly worried she’d walk out for good, and that made him want to fall to his knees, gasping for air.
“I love you.”
The words were out before he’d thought more closely about them and she looked up at him with her blue-green eyes, disbelief written all over her face.
“I…you know, I just…don’t worry. I just wanted to…” He had nothing. It had popped into his head and his tongue had been of the opinion that it was a clever plan to say it out loud.
“I love you, too, Ryan, I’m just sometimes not sure if…I don’t know, when you get up at night and walk away from the bed, making sure you won’t wake me, and don’t tell me what’s going on afterward, I think you regret it. That you miss your own space. Your own room to think.”
That wasn’t it at all. For some reason he had more frequent nightmares again. They were nothing compared to what he knew from Jazz, but just because he didn’t wake sleepwalking or drenched in sweat didn’t mean they weren’t horrible. He needed to get away from Aimie then because he feared crushing her—or taking her right there without a word, only to forget, and didn’t consider it fair to her.
“I hadn’t realized you were awake.” And why in the world hadn’t she said anything before?
“I wasn’t sure if I should follow you or not. Truth is I’m hardly ever sure how to react around you when you’re so…serious. It’s like you’re…untouchable then.”
He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and drew her under his chin, resting his lips against her forehead. “Not for you, Aims. Never for you. Touch me. Hold me. Talk to me. I’ve been alone for so long, I need practice being with someone. Don’t leave me alone. Don’t let me withdraw. Touch me.”
“Okay.” Her agreement was soft, tender, and yet she sounded relieved.
“It’s nightmares. Nightmares about lying in a field of dead and the bodies are still warm. I’m getting up, thinking I need to get away, but before I take a step I see you among all the dead soldiers. Your eyes are open, but empty and…”
He bit his tongue, not wanting to say more, and suddenly her hands were under his coat and under his shirt, pressed against the skin of his back. “I’m here. Feel that? Right here.” She scratched her nails across his back, lightly, and he couldn’t believe how much that calmed his racing heart.
“Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“It freaks me out, and I’m dreaming about it. I wasn’t sure what it would do to you, what it would make you feel, and…I felt like I’d taint this thing between us, like I’d taint your sweetness if I brought that ugliness there.”
Aimie, who’d been in a rush just minutes earlier, suddenly didn’t seem ready to leave anymore. Instead she cupped his cheek.
“I’ve never been anywhere with you,” she pointed out. “Why would I be in that field?” He could tell there was more she was going to ask but didn’t, and he made a mental note to sit down with her and maybe tell her about what he’d seen when being deployed.
“Will says—”
“You talked to Will about it?”
He blinked. While he’d dropped the name as if she was supposed to know him back from Jazz’s therapy sessions, he hadn’t honestly believed it was true. “You know who Will is?”
“Yes. Jazz told me about him, and so did Tessa. She’s been in to see him once.”
Ryan shouldn’t be surprised. She’d gone through some tough shit and maybe needed a professional opinion.
“You know, when Jazz had to talk about what mattered most in his life, she was there,” Aimie went on.
“Why in the world did I believe Tessa did something behind Jazz’s back?” he muttered and Aimie cocked her head.
“She wouldn’t. I think those two are utterly honest with each other.”
Yeah, Ryan thought that, too.
“It’s painful sometimes, Aims,” he pointed out.
“What did Will say?”
That the fear of losing you is more present than ever because I’m likely to, too. He wasn’t going to say that though.
“Jazz had Tessa in his nightmares, too, although she’d not been there because she’d been his happy place. She never once was injured, but he kept her safe nonetheless because he knew her, loved her. You couldn’t have been my happy place back then since you and I weren’t in each other’s lives. This is not the same as it was with Jazz, so he assumes I have you there because nothing else matters to me. I’m lying in a field among my fallen comrades, but only when seeing you do I freeze and that’s mostly the end of the nightmare. I wake up in panic, reach for you to know you’re breathing, and then I need to move.”
She cuddled into him, her fingertips still going over his skin, and he closed his eyes, enjoying her touch.
“Is Will concerned?”
Ryan chuckled. “He said he would be if I could walk past you in the nightmare, but since I can’t, he says it just proves how important you are to me—no matter what.”
“Then I won’t be worried, either. Okay, I need to get going.” She pressed a kiss against his chest, right above his heart, and then turned her face up to him. He tasted her lips, knowing he needed to get back, too, and then told her he’d be home when she got there, and he knew it was true.
He’d rather be waiting than spending the time at the hospital, because then they’d try to lure him into a second shift, and that he surely didn’t want.
* * *
I cannot let you enter unless you—”
“Just get Corporal Connor for me. Tell him it’s Mrs. Spencer to see him.”
The soldier behind the gate eyed her, looking annoyed. “Corporal Connor is on duty.”
Aimie drew an irritated breath. “Fine, I’ll just tell his wife to take care of their son alone because—”
“Mrs. Connor sent you? That’s different. Wait here for a moment.”
And with that the soldier was off. Jazz would be pissed at her, thinking something happened, but she needed someone to ease her mind.
It didn’t take long and Jazz came, but to her relief he seemed relaxed.
“Thank you, Private.”
He stepped out of the gate and then nodded her to walk a moment with him. She couldn’t help but admire him in his army greens and then shook her head.
“What?” he asked and she grinned up at him.
“Uniforms. I don’t know. It makes you almost hot.” She stuck out her tongue and he chuckled.
“Almost. I see. I’m sure Tessa would be okay with you calling me hot. She knows I am.” Sure did, Aimie knew that as well.
“Yes, but I’m not here because of Tess.”
He nodded. “I guessed as much since my darling wife and I were on the phone when the private came in. There’s some promo thing going on again. The Charity’s hardly two months over and she’s more involved here than ever before.” The light in his eyes stated clearly that he didn’t mind at all. “What’s up?”
She cleared her throat, fidgeting with her jacket. “When you have your night terrors, like…afterward. Do you ask to be touched? I mean…does Tessa…I…bloody hell; I don’t know how to deal with them, with him after he gets up from one.”
Jazz sighed and Aimie knew she wasn’t going to like his answer. “There’s no right or wrong. Tessa acted on instinct ever since seeing me in a flashback. She didn’t care what was right or wrong, and when I came out of them or the nightmares? I held onto her because she was plastered all over me anyway.” He licked his lips, the memories of his time in the hospital clearly having scarred him. “I inhaled her until I didn’t have room inside of me for anything but her scent and her presence. What does he do? Wake you with his tossing?”
She shook her head. “No, I usually wake when he gets up to leave the bed. No matter how deeply I slept, it always works.”
Jazz nudged her with his hips. “I am like that. I can sleep like a stone, but the moment Tessa leaves the bed for any reason at all I’m wide awake and cannot fall back asleep until she’s either back or I know what she’s doing. So he’s not waking you with them. Well, either you keep him from leaving, or you follow, I’d suggest. Don’t let him stew in the lingering panic. Is touching the right way? I don’t know. But try his name, talk to him gently. If someone can do it, it’s you women.” He winked at her, circling back to the gate slowly. She followed his lead, mulling over his words.
“I think I can do all of that.”
He pulled her into a hug. “Next time you want to know something like that, wait until my shift’s over and I have more time for you, okay? You know where we live. Come by any time you need. Tessa might be a better help with this anyway. You’re a good one, Aimie Spencer, and so is he. Are you coming along better?”
She didn’t know. Things were okay again, and he was home when he should be, but she had a feeling it was just another phase—and that she couldn’t handle another almost breakup. If it got that far, it would be the final end. She wasn’t going to accept him forgetting about her anymore.
“He told me he loves me.”
“He loved you in Vegas already, Aims. Ryan is not someone who does unplanned things. And you love him. It’s easy to see. We all know. But sometimes that isn’t enough, is it?”
Aimie slowly shook her head. They were fighting it, together, fighting for what they could possibly have, but she wasn’t sure if in the end it would be enough.
Somewhere along the line she’d lost her rose-colored glasses, and what was left was a world of black and white filled with moments of multi-color.
She just hoped moments mattered more in the long run.
* * *
That night Ryan realized how it felt to wait for someone, knowing they should’ve been home at a certain time and realizing they hadn’t made it.
She’d promised him she’d be home between nine and ten, but it was close to midnight and he couldn’t get a hold of her or the other girls. He’d tried Tessa, had tried Tank and Jazz to find out if they knew something, but it hadn’t worked.
No surprise; they had probably met up to hang out while the girls did, and were watching the kids and football or whatever.
It freaked him out.
What if something had happened? Was he even in Aimie’s emergency contacts? Would people know to contact him?
Suddenly the key turned in the lock and his panic fell away, replaced by anger when she stumbled in, clearly intoxicated.
“Ryan!” She giggled, holding her hand in front of her mouth.
“They kinda went overboard. Tank dropped the car in the front,” Jazz announced, coming in behind Ryan’s drunken wife.
“Thank you,” Ryan told him, taking the car keys from Jazz while Aimie tried to take off her shoes, bumping into the soldier.
“Oopsie,” she announced as Jazz caught her, chuckling.
“She’s adorable,” he declared and Ryan nodded.
“Always am,” Aimie chimed in, her shoes finally hitting the ground.
Ryan thanked Jazz again, then he closed the door behind the corporal. “I was fucking worried. You could’ve called.”
She marched toward the stairs—the way much longer because she staggered to the sides more often than not—lifting her hand without looking at him.
“Welcome to my life,” she slurred. “I need a shower. Wanna join me?” She held onto the staircase railing and threw him a glance over her shoulder.
“Aimie, can we please, just for a second, talk about this?”
Instantly she shook her head. “Nope, you never talk. You accept me…expect me to accept it. So…accept it, handsome.”
She stumbled on the stairs and he caught her, his reaction only so fast because he’d seen her step on her own jeans.
“My hero,” she whispered, looking up at him with trusting eyes and gratitude.
He closed his eyes, resting his forehead against hers. Jesus, she smelled like half a bar and it made him wonder what Tank would have to deal with.
“Am I?” he asked quietly. He wasn’t mad at her any longer because fuck, she was right. He didn’t bother making apologies most of the time because him not calling had been habit.
“Always. Sometimes you just forget,” she pointed out and then leaned her head against his chest. He wrapped her in his arms, staying with her where they were, at the bottom of the stairs, not moving until she spoke again.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call. My battery was empty, and Tessa’s cell was in Jazz’s car. I didn’t realize Hilary would pick her and Evy up. I couldn’t just watch them drink. I wanted to drink. Well…you know, ‘cept Tessa. She got high on chocolate.”
The twins, true. That meant though she could’ve contacted him, and since neither she nor Hilary had done that, he was sure they’d tried to prove a point.
“You’re here, that’s all that matters.”
“Yes.”
Her quiet agreement made his heart thud. There was something in her tone he couldn’t place, something that made him worry she—
“You won’t forget me ever again, Ryan, will you?” She’d not forgotten, or maybe she’d simply not forgiven him, but it didn’t matter because he couldn’t believe he’d left such a deep mark on her heart, on her soul.
“No, Aimie. I won’t ever again. I swear.”
“Good. I thought you’d say that. Come to bed with me?”
He picked her up, too worried about her falling, and carried her upstairs, loving the way she innocently giggled all the way up.
* * *
Like clockwork, she woke the second Ryan sat up in bed, ready to leave. Before she oriented herself, had been fully awake, he was out of the room. Her head was a lot clearer than it had been when she’d come home, and yet she couldn’t deny she worried about her coordination.
However, she came down the stairs easily, finding Ryan by the windows, staring outside, his chest heaving.
Instinct. Tessa had reacted on instinct.
It was what Aimie did, too, at that moment, walking closer, gently brushing her fingertips up his back so he knew she was there, then she wrapped her arms around his hips, holding him, resting her cheek against his skin. His heartbeat was erratic.
“I’ve seen enough bodies to last me a life time, but this…these dreams…”
“Did I die again?” Her voice was quiet because in all honesty, she didn’t want to hear the answer, yet had to ask if she wanted him to trust her.
He placed his hands above hers on his stomach and gently caressed them. “You reached for me. You called my name, but I couldn’t move. I was paralyzed. You begged. You cried. You were hurt, but I couldn’t move.” And then he added, much quieter, “I couldn’t fucking move and it killed me.”
“I don’t like how frequent your dreams got. Did you always have them like that?”
Even without looking at him she felt it when he shook his head. “I used to have episodes when it was better, and then some where it was worse. This is probably one of those episodes. It’s just this time the dreams are so much more personal. Usually…there were faceless bodies, Aims. I knew they were my comrades, but I didn’t recognize them. But you…”
Yeah, she wasn’t surprised he recognized her. “That sea of bodies…”
“My very first deployment ended like that. It was two or three platoons fighting terrorists in Iraq. I cannot even tell you why there were so many. I should be clear on the details, but I cannot even remember getting up that morning. What I do remember clearly is pain, and confusion, and waking up with a hand in my face. It was cold, the skin blue, and I struggled to stand. I didn’t care if I was in danger still, I needed to get away from that body. And I walked over some more, until I found a guy still breathing. I knelt and tried to rescue him, to help him somehow, but I couldn’t. And another after that. And one more. They all died. It wasn’t because I couldn’t help them, but because their injuries were so grave, no doctor could’ve done anything. Still…I made the decision then and there to be a doctor. I learned in the army, got my degree in the states, and treated soldiers upon soldiers, saved lives upon lives, but…those lives lost on the field?”
“You think it’s your fault.”
He turned in her arms and hugged her in the darkness.
“During the first years they’d haunt me. I’d see their faces each and every time I turned, but then it stopped at some point and I thought I was free.”
“You weren’t.”
She remembered vaguely how Tessa had told her about an article she’d read, stating that sometimes trauma wouldn’t ever vanish again, no matter how hard the person tried or fight it.
“No. They all came back to haunt me about nine months later. It took years until my nightmares weren’t as bad anymore, until I didn’t wake drenched in sweat.”
Jazz hadn’t taken that long. Then again, maybe he still woke drenched, but Tessa and Jazz didn’t talk about it anymore.
“And that’s when you usually talk to Will.”
He nodded. “And River. He was a doctor for the Marines and once had to step on a ship with the entire crew dead. Fifty-two people haunting him. He says he remembers every face. Says there’s nothing that can make him forget.”
She felt him shrug.
“How does he deal?” She couldn’t believe he was talking about the same River she’d met earlier.
“Not at all, I guess. He has nightmares almost every night, then just gets up and doesn’t sleep anymore.”
Aimie shook her head. “It’s why you two are together so much. He did the double shifts with you.”
“We were a parent’s dream. All our married and single parent colleagues liked knowing we’d be always there. But now…I’m no longer available for extras. I made that clear. And…I took off. Sunday it’s you and me.”
Damn, that was the best news ever.
“Are you ready to come back to bed with me?” she asked quietly and he picked her up again.
“You like carrying me bridal style,” she pointed out with a quiet laugh in her voice, and he nuzzled her shoulder.
“I do. It gives me the feeling of having control for once.”
Aimie had to say, she didn’t mind.
“Ryan, stay in bed next time. Hug me. Hold me. Kiss me. Whatever you need. I’m yours, remember? I’m there.”
He didn’t react at first and she thought he’d just ignored her plea, but when he placed her on the bed, he leaned in and kissed her softly.
“Thank you.”
Those two words were laden with gratitude, and she figured it was all she needed because he knew she meant it.