EIGHTEEN
SHANNON
I’M IN LOVE WITH MATTHEW ELLIS.
I couldn’t say it out loud yet, but I could think it.
I wasn’t sure how it happened. He was like a thief, creeping into my heart and claiming it as his own.
For so long, I was anti-man. Even the thought of anything with a penis touching me had sickened me, but now it seemed all I could think about was him and the next time I would be with him.
The sex had been amazing and terrifying. Not because I feared Matthew, but because every time he thrusted his body into mine, he sealed a broken piece of me. He replaced the terrible memories with new ones—good ones—memories I could dream about and would dream about for the rest of my life.
The only problem was, the night of release was so extreme that when the morning came, I couldn’t hold back my reaction anymore. I cried sad tears for the bits of life I had missed out on because some asshole decided to take something that wasn’t his to take. I cried happy tears because Matthew had somehow released me and removed the burden from my shoulders.
I’d carried around the sadness for years, and in one night, he had soothed my scars, kissed the rough spots of my soul, and pieced together the girl I used to be.
He would never understand what he did for me, and I could never explain it because my secret was just that … a secret.
I hated that he blamed himself and didn’t know what caused my reaction, but I had to flee. The second I looked up at him and felt the love in my heart I never thought I would feel, I needed to get out of there.
For that exact reason, I knew I had to stay away from Matthew.
He would crush me.
He was a playboy, and what we had was nothing more than a one-night fling. I had asked to get to know him first, and he had granted that wish before giving me the best night of my life.
I wished it could be more, but I knew in the back of my mind I could never give my all to a man, and he would never give his all to a woman. We were better off letting it go. At least, I was better off letting it go. As far as Matthew was concerned, I was just another girl in his life he had sampled.
Once the Uber dropped me off at my apartment, I went inside and headed straight to the shower. Peeling my dress from my body, I thought about the places he had touched and kissed. When I stood beneath the steaming water, I did so with a secret smile knowing I’d had the one thing I never thought I would.
A beautiful sexual experience with a gorgeous man and a heart full of love.
I couldn’t keep him, but he would always be my precious moment. A wondrous night in my life of just passing through.
THERE WAS ONLY ONE PERSON I COULD TURN TO ABOUT MATTHEW.
That was my grammy.
Mostly because I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t remember it. She was my sounding board, a silent listener who could give me advice before it was erased from the world and only left in my mind.
“Hey, Grammy,” I said when I entered her room.
I tossed the bag with a dress I had bought her on the bed.
She looked up from her sewing and smiled. “Hey, hon, how are you? I was hoping you’d stop by today.”
I paused, my purse sliding down my arm and onto her bed. She was more lucid than she had been in weeks. Trying to hide my shock, I went back and closed the door to her room.
“I’m great. What do you have there?” I asked.
“Oh, just sewing something for Edna’s daughter. She’s having her first great-granddaughter in the next few months.”
“That’s nice of you.”
She held up the tiny pink dress and smiled.
“That’s adorable, Grams.”
She nodded. “You know how much I love all things pink. How’s work been?”
I sat on the edge of her bed, waiting for the second when she would go away.
“Work’s been good. Just staying busy.”
“Good. Staying busy is good for the body.”
I sat silently, watching as she acted completely normal. Tears sprang to my eyes. I missed her so much, and lately, I had been feeling very lonely. Except for Matthew, I hadn’t really been around anyone else.
Moving from the bed, I kneeled in front of her and hugged her around the waist.
“Oh, my. What’s this about?” she asked, running her fragile fingers through my hair.
“I just miss you.”
“Aw, honey, I’m here. I’m always here.”
She wouldn’t always be there, though. It was only a matter of time before she went away again. I hated that she was going through this terrible disease and I couldn’t do anything to help her.
“I’m sorry, Grammy,” I muttered.
“Now, don’t you go feeling bad for putting me in this place. It’s nice here, and I’ve made a lot of friends. Plus, we both know I’m much too old to live alone anymore. I’ve accepted that, and it’s good that you do, too. Understand?”
I nodded against her lap. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Now, tell me what’s going on with you. I can see it in your eyes that something’s bothering you. I’ve been able to tell your heart in your eyes ever since you were just a little girl.”
I leaned back and took advantage of her lucidity.
“I’m in love, Grammy,” I said.
It felt odd saying it aloud, but in a way, it was therapeutic.
She grabbed the sides of my face, her frail fingers tangling in my hair. “I’m so happy to hear this, honey.”
We talked.
She asked me questions, and I explained the situation with Matthew. Once I got everything having to do with him out, I opened up about my dark secret, letting the demons out and knocking even more weight off my shoulders.
“I remember him,” she said when I told her who it was and when. “Your prom date. He seemed like such a nice boy, but I guess you never really know someone.”
I nodded, tears streaming down my face.
“It’s the strangest thing,” she said. “I’ve been having nightmares about a crescent-shaped birthmark for years, and now you’re telling me the boy who hurt you has one. I think that was God’s way of telling me you needed me.”
She held me close, wiping away my tears as she had when I was growing up. She captured my face in her hands and said, “Honey, I wish you had come to me. I would have taken care of you. I would have made sure that little bastard paid for his crimes.”
I looked up into my grammy’s aging eyes and saw tears forming there.
“We’ll make sure he pays. It’s time you come clean and tell the police, honey. And as far as your new friend goes, you sink your hooks into him and you don’t ever let go. Sometimes, we only get one go at a great thing, so you can’t pass it up. If you do, it may never come around your way again. I grabbed your pop many years ago, and I didn’t let go until the Lord wanted him back. I’d like to think life gives you more than one precious moment. I know I got more than one the day I found you on my front steps, but we can’t be sure that’s the case for everyone. If you think this guy is your moment, you tell him.”
I nodded. “I will. I’ll tell him.”
I didn’t know if it was the mention of Pop or if it was the pain of my secret, but no sooner than those words left her mouth did she shift, going far away and forgetting me completely in a matter of seconds.
“I’m sorry. Can I help you?” she asked, her lingering tears from my story still sliding down her wrinkled cheeks.
I left her room feeling lighter, yet I felt sad knowing one day my grammy would be gone forever. One day, she would slip away and never return. When that moment came, I wasn’t sure how I would handle it. Even considering it made me feel sick to my stomach with grief.
I took the hallways slowly, in no rush to get to work. Lilly was there already, and I knew she didn’t technically need me. I was the one who needed the paycheck. Not her who needed the help.
My eyes skimmed over the hallway décor, landing on the water fountain on the side waiting for someone to stop and take a drink. I turned the corner onto the shorter hallway, and he was there.
Matthew.
I barely had time to register what was happening before he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into yet another closet.
The door slammed behind us, and I was spun around and pressed into the back of the door. His handling should have freaked me out, but the one thing I knew about Matthew was he would never hurt me physically.
Mentally, I wasn’t so sure about.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“We need to talk.” His blue eyes were blazing. He looked disheveled, his shirt untucked and his hair wild as if he had been tugging on it.
“About what?”
“Don’t play dumb with me, Shannon. You’re a smart girl. You know what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t have time for this.” I pulled away, ready to flee, but before I could get far, he pressed my back against the door, forced his thigh between my legs, and kissed me.
My response was rapid. I threw my arms around his neck, kissing him back like the moment was the last moment I would ever get with him.
“I’m obsessed with you,” he said over my lips, reaching down and unzipping his jeans.
I pushed at the waist of his jeans in a rush to feel him. Needing him to take it all away.
His hands moved under my dress, rushing up my thighs and pulling the fabric up to my hips. He turned us, slamming me into a small counter that housed paper towels and supplies, and with strength I didn’t know he had, he lifted me onto the counter.
His fingers moved between my thighs, grabbing at the lacy fabric covering my center. He tugged, ripping the lace from my body, the seams digging into my skin and leaving a hot burn line.
It was rough.
I should have hated it.
It should have scared me.
But I couldn’t think about anything but feeling him move inside me, rubbing away the ache, and pushing me over the edge.
“I can’t keep my hands off you. I’m sick of running.” He breathed.
“Then don’t run,” I said, not understanding his words.
He moved between my legs and slid on a condom. Stroking his thick cock, he slapped it against my clit.
“This is going to be fast and rough. You can run afterward if you want, but I’ll only find you again.”
And then he pushed into me, rough and reckless, making me gasp with the shock of how amazing he felt.
He wasn’t lying when he said it would be fast and hard. The table shook beneath us as he took me like a wild animal. Fucking me so perfectly I came within minutes. My loud screams filled the small closet, and he slid his palm over my lips to hold the sounds inside.
“That’s right, Red. Come for me, baby. Show me how much you love my cock.”
I grabbed his ass, pulling him deeper into me. My mouth popped open, and I froze as another hot wave of orgasm rolled over me. My pleasure pushed him over the edge, and he ground into me one final time, pausing with his release as a desperate moan ripped from his lips.
“Fuck,” he said, his breathing fast and hard. “That was …”
“So. Good,” I finished for him.
He pulled back, allowing the cool air of the room around to me rush in.
“I’m sorry if I was too rough. You make me crazy,” he said, running his fingers through his hair as he blew out a deep breath.
“The feeling is mutual.”
“What the fuck are we doing?” he asked, his eyes despondent.
“I have no idea, but it scares me.”
I was being honest. I was terrified.
“It scares me too, but I think we have a bit of a problem. Or at least, I have a bit of a problem.”
“What’s that?”
“I might have accidentally fallen in love with you.”
My body tensed, the feel of my orgasms still making me shiver and the impact of his words slamming into me.
I couldn’t say it back. Even though the words were dancing on my lips, and my heart was rejoicing from his announcement, my mind wouldn’t allow it. The fear of getting hurt again kept me from speaking.
“You don’t have to say anything,” he said, his eyes moving over my expression. “But please, just come home with me.”
“Matthew, I need time. Everything is moving so quickly, and there are so many things in my head.”
He reached up, fingering one of my curls, and his eyes became sad. “I laid my cards on the table. I can’t be anymore upfront about what I want. I want you. When you’re ready, you know where to find me.”
Then he pulled away, adjusted his clothes, and left me standing in the closet alone with only my thoughts and fears.
I went home to an empty apartment, and in my gut, I knew it wouldn’t be much longer before Lilly and Devin would want a place of their own. There was no way I could afford the apartment on my own, so I would have to either find a cheaper place or find a new roommate.
This, on top of the business with my grammy, was gradually driving up my blood pressure. The stress of life was growing, and when I added Matthew on top of everything else, I could feel myself being pushed down by the weight.
I showered and settled into bed with Netflix on. I was scanning Facebook on my phone when I got a text from Matthew.
Matthew: My bed feels different without you in it. I wish you were here.
Looking around my room and listening to the silence of the rest of the apartment outside my bedroom door had me feeling the same way.
Me: Me too.
Matthew: Have you had enough space yet?
Me: Lol. It’s been a few hours.
Matthew: Feels like a lifetime.
Me: I’m sorry.
Matthew: For what?
Me: For being crazy.
Matthew: I like your brand of crazy. Get some rest. Text me tomorrow. Good night.
Me: Good night.
I lasted two days.
After visiting with my grammy, I ran into him in the hallway. And when he pulled me into our closet, I couldn’t stop myself from tugging his pants down and letting him fuck me against the counter once again.
He was leaning into me, his face pressed against my chest, our breaths rushed and ragged. Reaching up, I ran my fingers through his thick hair, and he turned his face, placing a kiss right above the V-neck of my sweater.
“Come home with me,” he muttered against my skin.
“Matthew, I …”
“I want you naked in my bed, Shannon. These quick, quiet fucks in a closet aren’t enough. I want to touch all of you. Taste all of you. Next time I make you come, I want your luscious tits bouncing in my face so I can suck them at the same time.”
I shivered, feeling aroused all over again.
Just weeks before, I couldn’t imagine being so intimate with a man. I couldn’t imagine enjoying the feel of him moving inside me or expect the throbbing between my folds when he talked dirty to me, but with Matthew, it was out of my hands. My body and mind had joined forces, and I was done for.
“Will you come home with me?” he asked, moving his lips up the side of my neck and pressing another kiss behind my ear.
I nodded, wanting nothing more than to be with him.
I followed him to his house and parked behind him. My old car behind his brand-new one was comical.
We held hands on our way to his front door, and once we were inside, we wasted no time going to his room where he showed me with his body how much he cared about me. He made good on his promises to have me naked and squirming beneath him, and for the first time in my life, I allowed someone to taste every inch of my body.
Afterward, we laid in his bed and talked. He played with the hair around my ear, fingering the strands and using the tips to write sweet words on my shoulder.
“Shannon?”
“Yeah?”
“Why did you tell me you were a virgin?”
I froze. “What do you mean?”
“I haven’t been with a virgin since high school, but I’m pretty sure you weren’t one.”
“What makes you think that?”
“I don’t know. I just know. Why did you say you were a virgin? Did you think I’d care about that?”
I shook my head, feeling sick with the thought of opening up to him. Telling him the truth.
“I had to,” I said.
“Why?”
“Because technically, I’ve never willingly been with a man.”
His fingers paused in my hair, his body frozen as his eyes moved over my expression trying to figure out what I was saying.
“I’m confused. What you do you mean willingly? Were you …?”
I couldn’t hear the word come from his mouth. Something about him saying it made it ten times worse. So before he could say it, I did.
“Raped. I was raped.”
I swallowed, feeling like his old house was falling in on me. Crumbling all around me and burying me deep with my broken parts. I’d never said the word aloud before to anyone but my grammy, and seeing his expression somehow made it worse.
Hurt filled his eyes, and they watered.
“I’m so sorry. I was too rough. I should’ve been easier. I don’t know what I …”
I stopped him. Placing my finger over his lips.
“You were perfect. I was so afraid I’d never feel the things I feel with you. So afraid of everything he took away from me. I couldn’t stand the thought of a man touching me. I couldn’t imagine having any kind of a relationship with a male, but you were patient. You let me open up for you. You helped me piece myself back together. And then you showed me what it was like to really make love.”
I told him about the night I never spoke of. I told him about everything my prom date had taken away from me. About the cornfield and the moment I decided it wasn’t worth telling the world. He didn’t ask any questions. He held me while I spilled my deepest, darkest secret. He held me while I cried, pressing soft kisses into my hair and telling me it wasn’t my fault.
And when I finished, I found that telling my story was exhausting. I let him hold me while I slowly closed my eyes and fell asleep feeling as if someone had finally released me from the darkness within.
I was free.