10 - Elliot
“You look different again, Dad. Did she break up with you?”
I look up from my bowl of chilli at my feisty young daughter. She’s staring at me with those sharp blue eyes, spoon hanging in the space between her plate and her mouth.
“Where did you learn about all this,” I deflect. “You’re only ten, you’re not supposed to know about break ups and girlfriends.”
“Da-ad,” Gracie sighs. “First of all I’m almost eleven. I told you, I’m growing up. Get used to it.” She cocks her head to the side and stares back at me, challenging.
I chuckle. “Well, as I told you before, you’re the only girl in my life. You hear me? You’re my number one.” I take another bite of food. It’s my signature meal, one of the few things I’m able to make for the two of us on a weeknight. “There is something I wanted to talk to you about. I found out I’ll have to go to San Diego next week to make a speech, so you’ll have to stay at Nana’s for a couple days.”
Gracie looks up from her plate of pasta. “A speech! Cool! Can I come?”
“No, Gracie, it’s for work. You’ll have to stay with Nana.”
She lets out an exaggerated sigh and goes back to her food. I grin. Teenage years will be tough, I can tell already. I’m not sure how I managed to raise a daughter like her, she’s so different to me. When I pick her up at school she always has a big group of friends around her. Her smile seems to light up the other kid’s faces and they’re always hanging on her every word.
I can hardly manage a full sentence, especially these days.
We finish our food and I clear the table. I’ll have to call Gracie’s grandmother to confirm she’s able to take her during the conference. My stomach drops at the thought.
Mabel is a lovely woman. She’s kind and generous and she loves Gracie to bits. But every time I call her or see her I’m reminded of what I lost and what I could have had. My throat starts tightening. My eyes are getting blurry as I move the dishes to the sink. I can’t do this anymore. It’s been seven years and I’m still caught by surprise, still can’t function properly at the slightest bump in the road.
I take a deep breath and start running the water. It washes over the bowls and I wipe my eyes on the back of my hand. I just need a few seconds to compose myself.
The sponge moves over the dishes in slow circles. I take my time, feeling the water wash over my hands and the bowls. I’m putting the last of the dishes out to dry when I hear Gracie’s voice in the other room.
“Hi Nana! I just wanted to call to say hello.” I turn my head and frown. What is she doing? I walk quickly over to the living room and see her by the window, staring out and talking on the phone.
“Mm hmm, yes. School is good!” she continues. “Well, Dad just told me that he needs to go to San Diego for work next week and I was wondering if I could stay with you?” Her laugh rings out into the room and I feel my heart swell. “I don’t call him daddy anymore, Nana! I’m getting older. Ok, love you too. Bye”
Gracie hangs up and turns towards me. She walks over slowly and I crouch down, wrapping her in a big bear hug.
“You don’t have to call Nana, Dad. She said she’d love to have me and just let her know what days it was.” She pulls her head back and puts her tiny hands on either side of my cheeks. How did she know that I find it hard to talk to her grandmother? She’s way too intuitive for me.
My eyes are welling up with tears again. Gracie wraps her small arms around my neck. I pick her up and she wraps her legs around my waist like she used to when she was young. I spin around quickly, dipping her down and pulling her back up. Her laugh is like a healing balm on my heart, making my stress and worries dissipate. I spin her around again until we’re both dizzy, collapsing onto the couch.
Looking over at my daughter, I ruffle her red hair and she grins at me. “You still haven’t told me about this new girlfriend of yours.”
“Go get ready for bed, you cheeky monkey.”
Gracie’s grin widens. She knows she’s won this round. She stands up and saunters off towards the bathroom. I lay my head back against the sofa and close my eyes. I’m so lucky to have her, I know I wouldn’t have survived the past few years without her.
Sometimes I wonder if she’s been forced to grow up too fast. Maybe if there was a female role model in her life she wouldn’t need to take care of me so much. I could be a real parent and she wouldn’t need to do things like make phone calls for me. But the risk is too big. I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t bring any woman into her life unless I was sure it was going to work out. And who could replace Chloe?