32 - Samantha
After a fitful sleep at Jess’s house, I wake up and rush to the bathroom. For the past couple weeks, every time I wake up I have the worst nausea I’ve ever felt. After emptying my stomach into the toilet bowl, I take a deep breath and flush the toilet before brushing my teeth. When I open the door, Jess is standing there with her arms crossed and her best mom face on. She raises an eyebrow and looks me up and down.
“Get your shoes on, we’re going to the doctor.”
“What! No, it’s ok. Jess, I’m fine. It’s just a stomach bug or something.”
“Stomach bugs don’t last two weeks. Come one. Owen!” she calls out. He answers from the bedroom. “Watch the twins, I’m taking Sam to the doctor.”
“Ok!” comes the answer. She tuns to me and nods her head.
“Come on.”
There’s no arguing with that tone of voice, so I nod and get my shoes and purse. I check my phone, expecting to see something from Dean.
“That’s weird,” I say as I join Jess by the front door. “Dean is supposed to come to the organisation today and do a clown show but he hasn’t messaged me. Usually he’d send me something in the morning.”
“Maybe he’s busy,” she says as we walk out to the car. When we’re in it, Jess turns it on but doesn’t drive off. She turns to me and takes a deep breath.
“When’s the last time you got your period?”
I frown at the question. She doesn’t think that I’m….?
“I’m on the pill,” I say. She nods slowly.
“And you’ve been taking it every day?”
I chew my lip and stare at my hands. “Well, there was a bit of a mix-up a few weeks ago and I forgot for a couple days. But I took the ones I missed! I spotted a bit but then everything is back to normal. I’m supposed to be on the sugar pills next week.”
She nods slowly. “How many days did you miss?”
“Jess, I’m not pregnant. I’m on the pill!”
I finally lift my eyes back up to her and her brows are drawn together. She shakes her head. “I told you to be careful, Sam. I warned you.”
“I’m not pregnant!” I repeat. “And please don’t say ‘I told you so.’ I can’t deal with that right now.”
She nods. “You’re right, I’m sorry. Let’s just go to the doctor and see what they say. I’m here for you.”
My throat tightens and I nod in response. We drive in silence and my mind starts clouding with a hurricane of thoughts.
Pregnant?
I can’t be. I’m not pregnant. I’m on the pill! How could I be pregnant. Sure, I got a bit sloppy taking it when I was going back and forth between her place and Dean’s. I forgot my pack in my room and went without for a couple days. But that wouldn’t cause pregnancy… would it?
My doubts only increase as we make it to the clinic’s waiting room. Jess sits with me and thumbs through a magazine as I check my phone again. Still nothing from Dean, even after I sent him a text. He hasn’t even been online since last night.
I sigh just as another patient walks in with a cup of coffee. The smell hits my nose and I feel my stomach heave. I run to the bathroom and for the second time this morning, I get to know the toilet bowl more intimately than I want to. When I walk back out, the doctor is calling my name.
The rest of the appointment is a blur. From the moment the doctor says ‘pregnant’, I cease to hear anything except my own heartbeat in my ears. I don’t see anything except the stark white walls and that picture of the digestive system that every doctor seems to have in their office.
I sign something, and I leave her office with some pamphlets. Jess says something to me and I think I have a follow-up appointment, but to be honest I can’t make any sense of it. It’s like I don’t speak English anymore, or I’ve suddenly lost the ability to understand anything that’s said. Jess takes me by the arm and guides me back to her car, all the while saying things that I don’t understand. They sound vaguely comforting, but they bring me no comfort.
I stare straight ahead as we drive back and finally Jess stops talking. My eyes shift down to the pamphlets in my hands. I look at the pictures of smiling expectant mothers and try to read the words but they blur together. When we pull up to the house, I get out of the car mechanically and make it to my bedroom. I sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the wall for a moment, or maybe longer. I don’t know.
It’s not until Jess knocks on the door frame that I’m snapped out of my daze. I look over at her and she hands me a steaming mug of tea.
“You ok?”
I nod. “I think so. I mean. I don’t know. Jess…”
“I won’t say ‘I told you so,’” she says with a smile as she sits down beside me. She wraps an arm around my shoulder and squeezes me into her. “Everything is going to be ok. Whatever you decide to do, it’ll be ok.”
“What do you mean, ‘whatever I decide to do’?” I look over at her and see the pain in her eyes. Her eyebrows knit together and she takes a deep breath.
“With the baby,” she says, almost in a whisper.
It takes a few seconds for me to understand what she means. Once it sinks in, I sit up a bit straighter and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.
“I’m keeping it,” I say, almost too loudly in the small room. She squeezes my shoulder gently and nods.
“Ok.”
She doesn’t need to say anything else. Suddenly I’m shaking, and the tears are starting to fall down my cheeks. She squeezes me close and I let myself melt into her, letting her rock me back and forth and making comforting noises as I sob on her shoulder. It’s not until I feel a small hand on my knee that I open my eyes to see Michelle staring up at me.
Her tiny face is filled with concern, and she spreads her arms towards me. I laugh through my tears and pick her up. She places a big, sloppy, two-year-old kiss on my cheek and pats my head. I laugh again as Jess chuckles and strokes Michelles hair.
“You’re going to have a little cousin soon. Auntie Sam is having a baby,” I say to her. She looks at me with those bright blue intelligent eyes and I turn to Jess. “I swear she understands everything we say.”
Jess laughs. “She does. So will yours.”
A thrill passes through my stomach and I move my hand across my abdomen. I look down and take a deep breath. I’m going to be a mother. The next thought makes me stiffen and I struggle to keep my breath steady.
How am I going to tell Dean?