I hadn’t planned on laying all my truth on Kelly. Having been on the road for a week, I couldn’t wait to get home. Anxious to see her, I wanted some alone time–away from the clubhouse. I also wanted to surprise her and do something nice. Something we didn’t usually do. Telling her I loved her wasn’t always enough. I didn’t have the luxuries that Shady and the rest of the guys had. After the fight we had a year ago, I realized he wasn’t being a dick so much as he was looking out for Kelly. I can’t be certain he didn’t want her for himself but, in the weeks that followed, he found himself a woman. Claimed her on the strength of three dates and they’ve been together ever since.
I couldn’t do the same with Kelly because of the baggage weighing me down. Still, I wanted to show her how much she meant to me and more than that I wanted her to know she was always on my mind.
A day at the beach seemed like a great idea. We could lie out, relax and the promise of seeing Kelly in a bikini sealed the deal. How a day of relaxation and fun in the sun turned into my first penance, I have no idea. Maybe it was the isolation, the way we seemed cut off from the world we were a part of, that made me want to share. Or maybe it was the guilt I felt every time I looked at her and knew she deserved more. As ugly as it was, she deserved my truth, my scars, and my past. Being the only person I loved made Kelly the biggest part of my life and lying to her didn’t seem fair. It also made her the only person I knew I could turn to. The one I could share my thoughts with and never be judged.
A year had gone by since I asked Kelly what she wanted from life. Her answer was simple and everything I wanted to hear. My wildcard wanted me and without realizing it, Kelly offered me a future I could be proud to call my own. A streak of luck like this doesn’t come around often so when it does you need to strategize. Then, I had five years to figure how to get us there and I knew being conflicted by my choices in my life wouldn’t get us to where we wanted to be. The more I ignored them, the more they festered like a cancer and the more time passed without change.
Now, I had four years to find a way to give Kelly what she wanted. Four years to finally become a man deserving of her future. However, I would never be that man if I stayed on the path I was on. The deeper I got with the club the more enemies I made and the more I risked Kelly’s safety.
But, unloading the truth may have been selfish. Cleansing my soul only caused heartbreak for Kelly. I couldn’t be sure the tears that fell free were for me and my shit or for her and the realization she had fallen for a monster.
A fucking criminal who wasn’t a sure bet.
A man who didn’t want her pity but rather for her to understand, she was everything. She wasn’t the break in a love song, she was the entire sonnet. More than just another tragic chord like Savannah.
Our perfect day was tainted by my confession and Kelly hasn’t been the same. She’s shut down and the forced smile I spent years trying to make go away suddenly was back. Staring at her, watching as she flips through a magazine, I decide I’ve had enough.
“C’mon,” I say, tossing my sunglasses onto the blanket.
Lifting her head, she stares at my extended hand.
“Where are we going?”
“It’s time to get you wet,” I reply. The innuendo isn’t lost on her and she cocks an eyebrow. Impatiently I take her hands and pull her to her feet. “Look at you,” I tease. “My greedy little girl who always has my cock on her mind.”
“Well, if you’re offering…” she replies. It’s the first real smile she’s given me in over an hour and it’s not enough.
“Later,” I promise. “First, I want to take you in the ocean and kiss you under the water.”
Releasing my hands, she takes a step back and her pretty face falls.
“No,” she says fearfully.
“You don’t want to go in the water?” I probe, trying to understand, really wishing women came with a handbook.
“I can’t go in the water.”
“Because?”
“I just can’t,” she snaps, dropping back onto the blanket. The first thought that crosses my mind is that it’s a woman thing. Like, her period or some shit. The girl can rebuild a Harley by herself but, ask her to buy feminine products and she turns as red as a tomato. The pharmacist thinks I have a tampon fetish because I’m there every month like clockwork, stocking up.
“Kelly—,” I start.
Cutting me off, she blows out an exasperated breath.
“Why can’t you just leave it alone?”
“Because you’re acting crazy. All I asked you to do is go in the water with me,” I defend. “Are you mad at me?”
I suppose it would be understandable. I did fucking dump a dead ex-girlfriend and a junkie father on her. All in one day no less.
“I can’t swim,” she whispers, turning her cheek. The confession shouldn’t make me want to kiss her and I sure as fuck, shouldn’t be smiling.
“I can teach you,” I say simply, dropping to my knee. Eager to give her something in return after she’s given me purpose, I turn her chin and force her eyes back to mine. “Let me teach you.”
“You don’t get it, Linc. I can’t swim because I’m terrified of the water,” she reveals, her eyes filling with tears. “My dad didn’t just die in a car accident. His car went over a cliff and he drowned.”
Shocked by the revelation, I pull her into my arms and try to conjure up a response.
“It’s stupid, I know,” she cries against my chest.
No one’s fears are insignificant and without merit. Often what scares one person, doesn’t scare another and it’s hard to fathom why something as natural as water can terrify another but tragedy will do that. It is its own breed of torture in the purest form.
“It’s not stupid, baby,” I tell her, leaning back to cradle her face. “I’m just surprised is all.”
Sniffling a sob, she wipes her cheeks with the backs of her hands. The vulnerability in her eyes breaks my heart and I want so bad to help her. To be the strength she needs to find the courage to overcome her fear. To lay her dad’s tragedy to rest and find peace.
“I guess today is a day full of surprises,” she murmurs.
“It seems so,” I reply, tucking her hair behind her ears. I guess it’s my turn to wish she would’ve told me sooner. At least then, I wouldn’t have taken her to the beach.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I wanted today to be special for you but all I’ve managed to do is fuck everything up.”
“You didn’t fuck anything up,” she says, softly. “Every day we spend together is special to me, Linc. I don’t need elaborate gestures, I just need you. It’s never mattered where we are, if we’re home, on your bike or at the beach, I just want to be wherever you are.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“That’s not true. You were made for me and I was made to annoy you,” she says. This time the smile she gives me is genuine and I realize as broken as we are, we’re right. Right for one another. I was made to love her.
“Hey,” I tell her. “You know that five-year plan of yours?”
“You mean our five-year plan,” she corrects.
“Feel like adding to it?”
I was playing with fire and I didn’t give two fucks. I would make this girls dreams come true or I’d die trying.
“Always,” she replies. Turning around, she settles her back against my chest and wraps my arms around her. “I’ve been meaning to tell you since we’re getting our own place I want us to get a puppy.”
“You want a dog?”
“Yes, and I want to dye her tail pink to match my hair. I was thinking something along the lines of a poodle.”
“Kelly, I’m not walking a poodle with pink hair. I might as well cut my dick off. Now, a Great Dane or a German Shepard I can get on board with.”
“Fine but we’re dying her tail pink.”
“You can’t dye the dogs tail pink. When we have a daughter, you can dress her up, buy her all the pink bows you want and when she’s twenty-six I’ll even agree to let you dye her hair any color you both decide.”
Glancing over her shoulder, she lifts her hand to my face.
“A daughter, huh? Is that part of the five-year plan too?”
“It can be,” I reply, bending my head to kiss her nose. “You want kids, Pinky?”
“I think so,” she whispers. “I’m just scared I’ll mess them up like my mother messed me up.”
“Nothing wrong from where I’m standing.”
“You’re sitting.”
“You’re a pain in my ass,” I retort, nuzzling her neck. “You’ll be a great mom. You want another confession?”
“I don’t know if we can handle anymore.”
Probably not but, I tell her anyway.
“I can’t wait to get you pregnant.”
It’s true. When we thought she might be pregnant I was scared shit but, I was also disappointed when the results came back revealing she wasn’t.
“You’re making me horny,” she teases.
Laughing, I slide my hand down her stomach and under her bikini bottoms. Finding her clit, I massage it with the pad of my finger.
“Linc,” she rasps. “Anyone can see.”
“Let them,” I growl. “I want to add one more thing to the plan,” I say, sliding two fingers inside her pussy.
“Hmm,” she moans as I nip her ear.
“Let me help you face your fear, Kelly,” I rasp against the shell of her ear. “It doesn’t have to be now,” I add sliding my fingers in and out of her. “If it takes years to do then fine but, let me be the one that helps you get over it. I promise you, I’ll keep you safe,” I finish.
Stilling my hand, I keep my fingers motionless inside her and wait for her to agree.
“Linc,” she whimpers as I press my thumb against her clit.
“Say yes and I’ll give you what you want, baby.”
“You play dirty.”
“Maybe,” I agree, circling my thumb. “Say yes and I’ll finger fuck you in front of all these people,” I swear, sucking on the skin below her ear.
“Yes,” she whispers.
One word, a simple promise and we were back to being us.
It was enough to believe nothing could break us.
Not my past or her fears.
Not the club.
Nothing.