I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t—not with Kelly in my bed. My hand was numb from holding hers all night but, exhaustion and the pins and needles traveling up my arm seemed like a small price to pay for having Kelly back where she belonged.
Right beside me always and forever.
I memorized her features, studied the new ink on her fingers and counted her breaths. I learned I liked the blonde hair fanning my pillow as much as I liked it when it was pink. I reacquainted myself with the rhythm of her sporadic snores and indulged in the restless way she tossed and turned because it brought her body closer to mine.
I knew it was temporary that she’d wake up any minute and last night would be filed away with the four years of stolen moments and borrowed time we shared. Kelly would retreat to her corner of the ring and I would stand idle in mine. She’d strategize ways to protect herself from me and I would look for an opening to hook her. We’d go round after round spinning in circles until time ran out on the clock and neither of us would come out winning.
Pulling her hand from mine, she stirs and stretches against my side. The time starts to run and the moment her eyes flutter open, the buzzer sounds. Her eyes fight for focus and the second it registers where she is they go wide. Her defenses go up and she jolts into an upright position.
“Not again,” she whimpers, dropping her face into her hands.
“Kelly—”
Lifting her head, she snaps her attention back to me and holds up a hand.
“Save it,” she orders, pushing the covers off her. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”
“Stop,” I demand, reaching for her hand. She snatches it out of my reach and scrambles off the bed. Holding both hands in the air like a caught suspect, she takes a step backward. “I’m not doing this again.”
“Doing what?”
“Whatever this is,” she shouts, waving her hand back and forth between us.
“You fell asleep on the couch,” I start.
“And, what, your conscience wouldn’t let you leave me there?” she snaps, rolling her eyes. “Please,” she hisses. “It shouldn’t bother you considering how good of a job you’ve done leaving me before.” Dropping both hands to her sides, she steps forward. “Tell me,” she dares. “Tell me why you can’t leave me in the past. Why can’t you leave us in the past where we belong?”
“You know where you belong,” I growl.
“No,” she spats. “I used to think I knew where I belonged until I realized that was a lie too,” she resolves.
Like last night, the sadness in her eyes calls to me. The tone of her voice, the broken words she speaks, it all fucks with me. It makes me sick to think she truly believes she never mattered to me. It fucking tears me to shreds knowing she thinks my love was a lie. That she never belonged to me.
I wanted her to hate me, to resent me and fucking forget me. But, I didn’t want to ever have to see it. Asking Sin to do my dirty work was the cowards way out. He was the one who stared into her eyes while her heart broke. The one who watched her grieve our love and mourn the future we planned. I pressed pause, leaving the song stuck on my favorite part of the chorus while he listened to the same tragic chord.
Now, here we are and Sin’s not the one watching her broken heart bleed through her eyes. Out of sight, out of mind is no longer an option. Kelly’s standing in front of me and all I see is the pain I’ve caused her. Everything she says and does, she doubts and I’m the reason behind all of that.
Drawing in a deep breath, she closes her eyes and I watch her lips move as she counts to three. Opening her eyes, she sighs. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “Forget it, forget I said anything.”
Kelly was never indecisive. She never bit her fucking tongue for no one. I’m done with it, with her not speaking her mind. It’s time to tell her the truth so she can go back to believing in herself.
Back to believing in me.
In us.
“I think we should talk.”
“No, there’s nothing to talk about. I’m freaking out over nothing,” she stammers.
“You’re freaking out because this, you and me, it’s easy. It’s comfortable and no matter how much times passes between us or how much hurt we cause one another, it still feels right.”
“Does it?” she whispers the question.
“Maybe not right this second but, when you were in my lap and climbed into the bed with me it did,” I argue. “I know what you’re feeling right now because ever since you showed up here two weeks ago, I’ve felt it every time I look at you. One minute I want to say fuck it and go back to the way things were and the next, I’m struggling to remind myself of why we’re in this position at all.”
“Don’t you think it’s a little peculiar you need a reminder considering you’re the one who put us in this position.”
Three words are all I need to say to her to set us both free from my mistake. Three words will open the gates to the discussion she deserves.
“I loved you,” I rasp.
She doesn’t react, making me realize how badly I’ve fucked things up.
“Why are you doing this?” she questions.
“I loved you,” I repeat, deciding I will say the same three words over and over until I see that flicker of light shine in her eyes.
“Stop it,” she demands.
“I love you more than anything or anyone,” I rasp. Reaching for the hem of my t-shirt, I pull it up and over my head. Bunching it into a ball, I toss it aside and lift a hand to my chest. My fingers rub the punctured heart between my pecs.
“I loved you and walking away from you felt like a bunch of swords stabbing my heart,” I continue, watching her eyes as they fill with tears and she takes in the tattoo on my chest.
“Please,” she whispers.
“I love you but, my love is cursed. I am cursed,” I tell her.
“Linc, please,” she begs.
“I loved you but, my love would’ve killed you.”
Her eyes finally meet mine and the tears she was trying to keep at bay, fall freely down her cheeks. There isn’t a lick of sadness to be found on her pretty features though and all that radiates from her is unbridled anger.
“I don’t want to hear this,” she shrieks.
“You need to hear it,” I argue.
“I don’t need anything from you,” she shouts. “Not now, not anymore. You want to tell me that your heart felt as if it was being stabbed, well, I’m sorry but, mine was ripped out of my chest so I don’t feel bad for you,” she sneers.
Behind the closed door, I hear footsteps creak against the wooden floor. Wolf says something but, I’m too focused on Kelly to give a fuck about anything he’s got to say.
“I spent four years of my life believing a fucking lie. Four years thinking you loved me as much as I loved you and now, I finally get it. It’s taken me two years but, I finally understand you couldn’t love me because you never stopped loving Savannah. Now, maybe you’re lonely and maybe I’m familiar but, you can’t take back what you’ve done. You can’t pretend to love me because I’m standing in front of you again.”
“You’ve got it all wrong.”
“I’m not that girl anymore,” she interjects. “I’m okay with being alone. I might not be happy with how my life has turned out and I may not know whether I’m coming or going but, the days of me needing someone else to validate me are done. Do you hear me? I don’t need you. I don’t need your love. I don’t want it.”
“I hear you,” I rasp. “But, I can’t go on letting you believe I never gave a fuck. The truth is, I did love Savannah but, that love didn’t hold a candle to what I felt for you. What was it you said, what you thought was great in your teens isn’t that spectacular in your twenties—well, for me I didn’t know spectacular until, I knew you. Until, I spent every day loving you and when you find spectacular, you’ll do anything to keep it. Until, you realize you’re not good enough. Not fucking worthy enough. Then, you destroy it because that’s all you’re good at. Destruction and death are what I’m destined for and being my girl, that made you destined for the same. It was either destroy you or watch you die and I couldn’t watch you end up like Savannah. Christ, Kelly, I couldn’t watch you end up like Shady’s girl. That could’ve been you.”
“Yes,” she agrees, nodding her head. “Before you ever showed your face and long after you walked out. It could’ve been me numerous times. I lived in that clubhouse for years. That ambush wasn’t the first I survived, and that funeral was one of many that I attended.”
“So, you were part of the life—”
“I am the fucking life,” she fires back. “I’ve spent more years being on the inside of a clubhouse than you have spent wearing that patch. I’m the one who taught you the ins and outs of the club. I gave you an education on that life.”
“Kelly—”
“If what you say is true, if you were scared of losing me then you should’ve come to me. You should’ve told me!”
“It wouldn’t have mattered. You would’ve kept on loving me because it’s what you do best,” I holler back.
“You’re right I would’ve kept loving you because at the end of the day it would’ve been my choice and all I ever wanted was you. Always and forever, I wanted you. I knew what you stood for, I understood the risks better than you and still, I would’ve chosen you but, you didn’t respect me enough to give me a choice. You made the decision for the both of us and like a pussy, you didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I thought I was doing right by you. I knew a year after I got that patch, I wasn’t good enough for you. I told myself I needed to let you go then but, I was too selfish and just kept falling deeper. Deeper in love with you and deeper into the club. A man don’t get Heaven and Hell, he gets one or the other. I thought you’d realize it, that you’d see what kind of monster I was becoming. I was fucking banking on you being the one who walked away because I knew I couldn’t. When you didn’t cut me loose, when you gave me all your dreams and I promised to make them come true I knew for certain you’d never let me go. I could voice all my concerns, confess all my sins and you would still love me. You’d tell me you belong to me and all you want is to be by my side. You’d make me believe I was enough and in turn, I’d lie to myself. I kept that five-year plan in the back of my head and told myself I would change before we got to that point. I’d escape this life somehow and someway we’d make it work. We’d move out of the clubhouse, I’d put a ring on your finger, get that pink dog you wanted and put a baby inside of you. I wanted all of that. God, I wanted it more than anything.”
A whimper escapes her lips and I watch as she raises her hand to cover her mouth. The tears fall fast and hard down her cheeks and all I want to do is take her in my arms. I want to promise her more and give her everything.
“It didn’t matter we were young, we were real,” I say hoarsely. “We were fucking spectacular, and that’s the only truth worth knowing. That’s why Sin told you all those lies. I asked him to make you hate me because I thought if you stopped loving me then you’d finally be free.”
“It wasn’t up to you to decide,” she affirms. “I’m a strong girl, I make my own decisions. I never played the damsel in distress because I never needed someone to save me. If this life has taught me anything, it’s taught me how to survive. When you first came to North Carolina, I told you to live.”
“And, you taught me how to live.”
She nods.
“Life is short for everyone, Linc,” she rasps. “All we can do is make the most out of every moment and find that sliver of happiness that makes it all worth it. You were my sliver of happiness and now, you’re the tragic chord.”
She wipes her face one last time before drawing in a deep breath and turning for the door.
“My life is a mess,” I blurt.
Like my mother looked for a feeble attempt to keep me with her, I do the same with Kelly. It works for me and her hand freezes on the door knob.
“The danger surrounding me now doesn’t compare to any I’ve known before. In the next couple of weeks, I will sign my soul over to the Devil himself.”
Turning to face me, she swallows.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Right or wrong, I still love you,” I say, keeping my eyes steadily on hers. “I just want you to know that.”
“We’re always going to be broken and lonely, aren’t we?” she whispers.
I want to tell her no that one day we’ll get it right. I’ll step up and be the man she needs. The funny thing about that is, all she needs is a man that loves unconditionally and that’s all I’ve ever been.
“I hope not,” I reply honestly.
Because a man who can’t dream can still hope.
And he can love.
He can love her with all he’s got even if she’s not his to love anymore.