I initially thought spending time with Cole with more of a relationship in mind would be weird. After coffee, and leaving everything out for him to decide if he was willing to take me—baggage and all—I felt lighter.
He listened yesterday as I told him my worries, my needs, and what I wanted. He’s a good man, and I’ve been too busy being angry at God and life to notice that. Now I see it.
Everyone’s reaction when he hugged me tonight at Olivia and Cash’s house amped up my nerves, but I meant what I told him on the way home. We both need to remove barriers in our minds so we can give this a real chance. I need to remove the guilt that another man is comforting me and celebrating our friends’ pregnancy with me.
Such is life, right? It’s an experience, and we must be fully present to enjoy and grow from it. It will take me a bit to readjust my wings, but once I take flight, I’ll soar.
I push back the other concern I have and hope to deal with it at another time. Maybe it’s something I’ll talk to Liza about. Until then, I’m going to breathe through it.
I let Dixie out into the yard to relieve herself before going to bed. I close my eyes, having said goodbye to Josh yesterday and vowed I was starting a new volume, I have to let that book sit on the shelf and open to the first pages of this one. Beginning a new book is my favorite part of the reading experience, so I must allow myself to enjoy this adventure. The possibilities are unimaginable.
“I’m going to fall!” I call out after Cole. He moves away from me, laughing. I stand and try to find my balance. I bend my back as my arms fly out. My shaky legs are my traitors.
Cole rounds me and says, “Come on, Bri. This can’t be the first time you’ve ice skated.”
I glare at him. “It is,” I say, tight-lipped.
“No way,” he shakes his head. “Not even when you were little? We used to ice skate all the time.”
“Nope. I was always scared,” I admit.
“You? Bri? Scared of a little ice?”
“And blades as shoes! I heard once that a man lost his finger in an ice skating accident. I refused to ever try it after that.”
“Your friends never invited you? Liv?”
“I always made up an excuse.”
Cole’s head dips back as he laughs. “Don’t be a jerk.”
“I won’t. Come on, let me show you.”
“You promise you won’t let go?”
“You sound like a kid who’s biking for the first time without training wheels.”
“This is worse.”
I link my arm with Cole’s and look down at my feet as he starts moving.
“You have to skate, though.” He points out.
I slowly move each foot until I’m skating. It’s a sorry excuse for skating, but I’m getting there. Kids swoosh around us and couples move together as they hold on to each other. My breath comes out smoky as I exhale.
“Not so bad, right?” Cole looks over at me.
“It’s okay, but don’t let go,” I demand.
“I won’t. Can we go a little faster now?”
I shake my head. “Please.”
“I never would’ve pinned you for the kinda person that is this terrified of ice skating.”
“I don’t want to fall. That would be embarrassing and dangerous. I’d like to keep all ten fingers.”
Laughing again, Cole tightens his arm around mine, and we take our time. I see a little girl doing spins and I stare in awe. Teenagers are laughing and slipping. Everyone is mindful of where they’re skating.
“What are you doing?” I screech.
“Relax, Bri. I’m going to hold your hand.”
We continue to move with a little more freedom, which means I have to move my feet more than before. To the outside world, we probably look like the most normal couple. Inside…
I shake my head from those thoughts. New book.
“How are you feeling?”
“Huh? Oh, good. It’s not that bad.”
“So I can let go?” Cole teases.
“No!” I exclaim.
“Bri, trust me, I’m not letting go. Any excuse to hold on to you.”
I realize I also want to hold his hand. It’s exciting.
“That wasn’t too bad,” Cole says after we’ve skated a few laps.
“Eh,” I tilt my head.
“All you have to do is move your feet forward.” He begins to show off how when he almost runs into someone and falls.
Laughter spills from me as I look at his red face. “Oh… yeah… not bad.”
My feet begin to slide below me, and I hit the ice. Cole and I guffaw as people stare and skate around us. He crawls over to me.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I giggle. “Okay, maybe I wasn’t going to lose any fingers by skating.”
“Nope. They’re all here.” Cole picks up my hands and kisses the tips of my fingers. I watch him with intensity. Something is happening inside of me.
We struggle to get back on our feet, but finally make it. We walk around the park where the ice rink is, snacking on caramelized almonds from a street vendor. I pull the small bag away from Cole’s hand and grab an almond.
“Stay still and open your mouth.”
“Hmmm.” Cole chuckles.
“Perv. I’m going to throw an almond, try to catch it with your mouth.”
I throw the almond and miss. “You do work for a baseball team, right?”
“Shut up and let’s try again.” Another miss.
“Bri, I’m hungry and you’re giving my almonds to the few birds hanging around.”
“One more time. Try to move when I throw it so you can catch it.”
“Good thing you aren’t a basketball player.”
“I’ll eat them all,” I mock as I put an almond in my mouth. “They’re so good.” I smile.
“Okay, let’s go.” Cole tilts his head back and squats a little. I throw the almond and he catches it.
“Yes!” I jump in victory with my arms out. Cole catches me in a hug and lifts me.
“Give me another one.” He opens his mouth. Smiling, I reach for an almond and place it in his mouth. I look into his eyes, seeing the possibility of a happy future. My heart freezes.
He’s so different from Josh. I’m trying not to compare, but I can’t help it. Cole is more carefree. He goes in the direction the wind blows, without worrying too much what will happen. Josh was military, so he was always more measured. I’m that way, as well. Maybe Cole will be a good change. How lucky would I be to experience two wonderful men in one lifetime? Two different types of loves, if I get to that with Cole.
“Ready to eat?” he asks.
“Yes.” I kiss his cheek before he puts me down on my feet. His smile is all I need.
We walk to the restaurant.
“That’s so cool,” I gasp.
“I know. It’s an oversized treehouse. They took it back old school.”
“Wow, seriously. It’s like out of an episode from Treehouse Masters.”
Roots has colored wood planks that make up the walls. The patio is on the lower level, where beams support the structure. We walk up the ladder and into the restaurant. I’m surprised to see so many people and wonder why I had never seen this place before.
“Best southern food in the city,” Cole tells me.
“It’s amazing. Is it new?”
“A few months. It was an instant hit because of the treehouse concept, and once people tried the food they became bigger fans. I think if the food sucked, people would still come.”
We have a drink at the bar while we wait for our table. I look around, seeing the paintings on the wall as if children owned this space. It’s a time machine to my childhood.
“Are you having fun?” Cole leans in.
“I am. Thank you. This has been a great day.”
“Good.” The left side of his mouth tilts up in a smile. “I kinda feel like the school loser who landed the popular cheerleader.” His breath tickles my cheek.
“You’re not a loser.”
“We know that.”
“So modest,” I joke.
“It’s just surreal.”
I squeeze his upper arm. “Yeah, but it’s good.”
Cole moves a few strands of hair that fell from my braid. “That makes me fucking happy to hear.”
After filling ourselves with fried food, I ask Cole if he wants to hangout for a bit at home.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. When I say Netflix, I really mean watch a movie.”
He laughs. “I know, Bri.”
I’ve had a great time with him and want to spend a little while longer before the weekend ends. Long weekends are nice, but it’s always tough to get back into a routine on the Mondays after.
“Do you guys have any performances coming up for the holidays?”
“Yeah, we have one in New York City in a couple weeks. Christmas we’ll be here. Then, New Year’s Eve we’re performing here in Nashville at some big New Year’s event. Actually, at Bicentennial where we were ice skating.”
“Cool. Who else is performing?”
Bicentennial Capitol Mall State Park always puts on a big New Year’s Eve event. Live music, drinks, cold air, and a bunch of people singing and dancing along with the performers.
“Tyler will be there, Luke Bryan, Florida Georgia Line, and a few others.”
“That’s awesome. I’m so proud of you guys.”
“Thanks. We’ve worked hard, but it’s been worth it.”
“I’m sure.”
I choose a movie to watch and sit back on the couch next to Cole. His arm drapes around my shoulder, causing an odd and comforting sensation. It’s a mixture of remorse and excitement. Since I told Cole we had to remove the part of our minds that is causing a barrier, I move closer to him and enjoy the movie with a calm Dixie at our feet.
This week has been hell at work. With only four months until opening day, this is crunch time for us at the office. Our marketing has to be in tip-top shape and our ticket sales need to go up.
Cole’s text messages throughout the day have helped to get through the week. I’ve grown to expect his good morning messages each day. Usually he’ll send a picture of what they’re working on throughout the day. We haven’t seen each other since Sunday, but I’m hoping once I overcome the hump in the week, Thursday and Friday will be a breeze.
Starting a relationship with Cole feels like the relationships we had in our teen years, where we’d pass notes and talk on the phone into the wee hours of the night. Nowadays, notes are in form of text messages, and our phones are smart instead of blocks like when we were younger.
The house has some interested buyers, as well, and I wasn’t expecting it to get so much attention so soon, especially with the holidays around the corner. Any free time I’ve had, I’ve looked at different sites with rental options. I was hoping this would take a little longer, and I wouldn’t have to move until January.
January.
I close my eyes and breathe like Mikayla taught me. Slow and steady.
January will be another hurdle to leap over. First, I need to find a place to live in case one of these interested buyers wants it now.
I’ll go check my old apartment complex after work.
I loved where I lived before marrying Josh. It’s central and has great amenities. They may have an apartment for lease.
Cole: hey babe, hope your day’s better than yesterday
I read Cole’s term of endearment and butterflies fill my belly. It’s weird. It’s a common word. Liv and I use it with each other sometimes, but coming from Cole, it warms me.
Bri: it’s a little better. this made me smile. thank u
Cole: I’d do anythgin to put a smile on your face
Cole: anything, damn it. So much for trying to be romantic with typos and shit
I giggle.
Bri: that made me laugh. I’ll call u after work
Cole: good
I concentrate on what I have left to do so I can leave on time. A small hint of remorse tries to steal its way into me, but I stand firm in my path.
With the information of a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment, I make it home. As I’m getting out of the shower, my phone rings with Cole’s name displayed on the screen.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Hey, how’d it go?”
“Good. I got info on a 2/2 they’re renting. The pictures look nice, and the owner can show it to me on Saturday morning.”
“That’s awesome.”
I want to lease for a while, until I know for sure where I’ll want to live in the long run. I love my current neighborhood, but this house has too many painful memories. It’s the door the men knocked on to give me that fateful news. My dad suggested I rent it out instead of sell, but if I’m starting fresh, I want a clean slate. I’ll always respect Josh in my life.
“Yeah, and it’s a lower level apartment, so it has a small patio I can let Dixie run around on. It will be tighter than what she has now, but at least it’s open space.” What I’ll miss most is the yard in the house. One day, I’ll own another home with a yard where I can sit out with a glass of wine and a book.
“She’ll be happy with that,” Cole encourages.
“Mm-hmm. How was your day?” I settle on the couch in sweats and listen to what the band worked on today.
After my conversation with Cole, I boil some pasta and sip on wine. Comforting mac and cheese will be the perfect dinner.
Who is that? I ask myself when the doorbell rings. Dixie runs to the front of the house with a shrieking bark.
“Hey,” I scrunch my eyes. “What are you doing here?”
“I thought you could use some Ben and Jerry’s.” Cole holds up a paper bag.
“You’re the best.” I hug him.
His silent comfort means more to me than he knows.
“You sounded a little off. I figured you were already used to me showing up here anyway. Now you just like seeing me.”
“I always liked seeing you, Cole. I was just in a bad place.”
“I know. What are you making?” He peers into the pot.
“Mac and cheese. Do you want some when it’s ready? I’ll share since you brought ice cream.”
“So I was right to come over with comfort food. Mac and cheese is the ultimate feel-good meal.”
“I’m just overwhelmed.”
“Well, we have mac and cheese, ice cream, and a yapping puppy.”
“You know Josh thought mac and cheese was the least comforting meal? His comfort food was pickles.” I shiver. “Who likes pickles?”
Cole’s lips press together.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. Does it bother you that I brought him up?”
“Not at all. I’m glad you did. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to talk about him so naturally to me.”
My shoulders relax. “Thanks.”
“Hey.” He grabs my chin and turns my face toward him. “It’ll get easier. For the both of us,” he adds.
“Wh—”
Cole shakes his head. “Before you start questioning. What I mean is that with each day I’ll feel more confident of my role in your life.”
I slump and hug him. “Oh, Cole. You have a significant part in my life. I asked for patience, and you are honoring that one hundred and ten percent.” I look up at him and smile. “But I don’t want you to think you’re living in the shadows of a ghost.”
Cole holds the sides of my face and kisses me softly. I tense, and Cole drops his hands.
“Sorry.” I didn’t mean to contradict my words.
“I should’ve asked first. You were looking up at me and I couldn’t resist.”
“Kiss me again.” I want to feel his lips on mine.
“I don’t have to, Bri.”
Then I will.
My initial shock wore off right away. For years, I hadn’t kissed another man. A part of me felt betrayal. As soon as I settled, I wanted him to kiss me again.
I lean up and kiss Cole. His stubble is rough against my skin. After a beat, he holds me again and leads the kiss. It’s tender and innocent.
“You’re the first man I’ve kissed that isn’t Josh. I’m sorry I tensed up. It felt odd at first, but I’m glad you kissed me.” I unhook my arms from around him and check on the pasta.
I hear Cole mumble a fuck and hold in my giggles.
I share my dinner with Cole, and he shares his dessert. We don’t bother getting bowls for the ice cream. Two spoons and a carton of Ben and Jerry’s is all we need to devour the swirls of chocolate and vanilla and cookie chunks.
“This is so good,” I say as I swallow a spoonful.
“Cookie dough is my favorite,” Cole tells me. Dixie wags her tail below us in hopes that some food will fall for her to eat. Poor girl, but none of this ice cream is going to waste. Besides, chocolate isn’t good for dogs.
“Thank you for coming over. It’s been an emotional week.” I turn to look at Cole. His handsome face is soft as he watches me.
“You’re welcome. All you have to do is ask, and I’ll be here.”
“I hadn’t realized I needed that. I was hoping the house wouldn’t sell until January so the holidays would be more laidback. If it sells, I’ll have to pack and move. Yeah, I can tell them I need a month to move out, but I’ll still need to have a place ready for me.” I sigh.
“Then, I thought about January and Josh’s death. It’ll be a year already. I can’t believe that. I survived one year.”
“Yes, you did. I’m proud of you.” He laces our fingers together and squeezes my hand.