Since I saw her at the wedding, I haven’t been able to forget the hurt I saw in her. I can’t shake off witnessing her breakdown in the car. If I’m completely honest with myself, I haven’t been able to get her out of my head for a long time now. She was always off limits, but I can appreciate a beautiful woman when I see her. And despite my lusting after her, I hate what she’s living. I would want nothing more than to give her back her happiness, give her back her life.
I’ve contemplated going to see her a few times. Make sure she’s all right and knows that she has friends, if she needs us. Bri came into our lives at the same time as Olivia and Jen, and the guys and I fiercely care for our inner-circle. Josh was a part of that. Even though he was overseas for a long time, he quickly gained popularity with us. And even I can admit he was perfect for Bri.
I stay in my car, staring at the front of her house, trying to talk myself out of knocking on the door. I shouldn’t get in the middle of this. In the middle of a widow and the ghost of her husband. But fuck if I don’t want to be there for her. She needs us and is too stubborn to ask for help. She’s hurting too much to reach out to any of us. Olivia even confided, telling us Bri has shut her out.
She is nothing like she used to be. Nothing like the person who held her ground while kicking the dust up with her boots. Spunk, sass, and badass all in one. Her smile used to light up any room. I can’t imagine losing someone you love that way, and I have no idea how I’d react. Fuck, maybe I’d take to the bottle. Is that what she does? Does she drink herself to sleep each night?
When the light in her house is finally turned off, I put my car in reverse and go home.
“Where have you been?” Jason, my roommate and bandmate, looks over at me as I walk into our house. I grab a beer from the fridge and hold it up in question. “Yeah, I’ll take one.”
I sit next to him on the couch and watch part of the football game he’s watching.
“You gonna answer my question?”
“I was out.” I shrug. He knows I’m bullshitting him, but stays quiet.
The guys and I have some down time from being on the road more than being home in the last two years. We have decided to stay put in Nashville for some time to work on our next album. Rebel Desire stormed through the music industry once we got our name out there, thanks to Tyler Hunt bringing us with him as his opening act two years ago. Since then, we have been on the go.
The time at home is welcomed. I’m tired. Touring was a blast at first, banging every chick I could, and showing off my name and affiliation to the band. Women love drummers, and I made sure to show them just how talented I am, on and off the stage. But you get to a point where it all starts to blur and lose its appeal.
I’m grateful music is still the same as it used to be for the guys and me. We are famous now, but we have stuck to our roots. Cash keeps us grounded, always has, and his attitude has spread to the rest of us throughout the years. We’ve grown from rowdy boys to mature men. Yet, in my thirty-three years, I have never experienced what Bri is going through.
I shake my head and stand. “I’m going to sleep,” I announce.
“You sure you’re good?” Jason squints his eyes as he looks at me.
“Yup,” I tell Jason. Shit, I’m a fucking mood killer right now. I shake off this feeling, telling myself there’s nothing more for me to do than what I’ve already done. Bri knows she can turn to us if she wants to.
I don’t know why I’m taking it so personal, that she won’t open up to any of us. I don’t want her to drown. If I can provide a lifesaver, I will.
Fuck it. Tomorrow I’ll go see her. Check in on her.
“What’s your deal?” Cash asks.
“He’s been moping since last night,” Jason pipes up.
I glare at Jason before looking at Cash. We’ve been at Cash’s house for hours working on our music. When he and Olivia bought their house after their wedding, they made sure to have an area for a studio so we can practice and work on our music. It comes in handy.
“I’m fine,” I tell both of them. “Are we done?”
“You in a hurry to get some pussy?” Ryder laughs.
They all laugh, but I grab my keys and leave the room, giving them the finger over my shoulder. One stop at the grocery store and I’m heading toward Bri’s house. No clue what I’m going to say, but I don’t want her to be alone, facing what she’s lost.
“Hey,” she says as she opens the door. Her eyebrows scrunch. “What are you doing here?”
“Just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” I tell her and hold the bag in my hand. “Beer?”
“I’m fine, Cole. Thank you, but no one needs to check in on me.”
“I smell your bullshit a mile away. When was the last time you ate a proper meal?” I look at her thinning figure.
“Don’t fucking come to my house and question me.” She still has her fire. I smile.
“Can I come in? Thought you could use some company.”
“I won’t be much of a hostess, but suit yourself.”
“That’s okay. I brought drinks and food.” The first thing that catches my eye is a picture of her and Josh on the console table at the entrance.
Bri doesn’t bother to hide her discarded shoes at the entrance. She just leads the way into the kitchen.
“How are you doing?” I figure I’ll ask right away and not pretend to skirt around why I’m here.
Bri shrugs and inspects her hands holding the counter. I pop open two beer bottles and slide one toward her. She murmurs her thanks, and I lean against the counter, sipping my drink.
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but you’ve got people to help you. You’ve got us. Olivia will do anything for you. Don’t shut her out.”
“Not shutting anyone out. I just need to be alone,” she states.
“It’s been a few months already, and you’ve had your loner period. Now, allow people to help you grieve.”
“Cole,” she warns.
“Whatever. You want pizza? I bought the ingredients to make one, if that’s okay.”
“I guess. I’m not really hungry.”
“You gotta eat.” I eye her again.
After a long period of silence, drinking beer and prepping the pizza, we finally sit at the kitchen counter to eat. I watch as Bri barely takes bites from her slice while I down my food. She is lost in her thoughts, the mouse running wild on the wheel, but I let her. If she breaks down, I’ll be here to hold her up.
“How’s the tour going?” Bri shakes her head, as if remembering that she has a guest in her house.
“We’re on a break. Making new stuff, you know. Still have things to do here with the label, but as least I sleep on my own bed.” It’s as if she doesn’t remember talking about this at Jen’s wedding.
“Cool.” She finishes off her beer and tosses the bottle in the trashcan. “Sorry. I know I’m not much fun these days.” She faces me, leaning her hands behind her on the edge of the sink. Her green eyes mist over slightly before her deep inhale puts her back together. The pieces land a little crooked, but she’s still so beautiful. I remove those thoughts, determined to be the friend she needs during this time. Olivia may give her time to herself, but I’m stubborn. Bri doesn’t need any more time with her thoughts. She needs someone to show her just how much life she still has to live.
“Don’t apologize. The tour was fun. This one was more tiring, though. We have been out on the road more than we’ve been home in the last two years. This was our first headlining tour, so the pressure was different. I’m happy we get to work on our music for a few months now.”
“I’m sure.” She nods, once again deep in thought.
“What’s going on with you? How are you really holding up?”
Bri shrugs before popping open another beer.
“It helps to talk about it.”
“Does it really? Will it bring him back to say his name? If I tell y’all that I’m going crazy without him here, what good will it do? Besides add pity to your already sympathetic gazes. You’re all careful around me, thinking I’ll crumble at any moment. You know what? I can’t disagree, because I am breaking. I’m barely holding on.”
“Bri…” I coo. “None of us can change what happened, but we can help you overcome it.”
She shakes her head furiously. “There is no overcoming this, Cole.”
I sigh. As much as I want to tell her that she’s wrong, I’m not sure I can. This is something I know nothing about, but I hope that getting her to talk about it will help on its own.
“You know what he was doing when he died?” Bri surprises me. I shake my head. “He was safe, you know. He was covered from the attack, but his best friend wasn’t with him. He had gotten hit in the leg and couldn’t run, so he was dragging himself. Josh ran back out to find him right when they were ambushed. A hero, they called him. I don’t know why, if they both died. He promised me he wouldn’t do anything to put himself in more danger than necessary.” Her shoulders slump in defeat as she wipes her cheek.
“What good was his promise if he didn’t keep it? I didn’t come first, if he went back out there.” Her voice is hoarse.
“You know that’s not true, Bri. He was serving his country. He was doing his duty as a soldier and citizen. Hell, he was braver than most people I have come across.” I sit, tense, and try my best to help her understand.
“He was supposed to return safely.” She hiccups.
“We can never guarantee that. Life isn’t in our control when it comes to death. I can promise you I’ll get home safe tonight, and I can die in a crash.”
“Don’t say that,” she pleads, still leaning against the sink.
“It’s an example. Some of life’s plans are not for us to rule. If I were out there, I would have done the same thing as Josh. I can’t imagine leaving any of the guys behind during a time like that.”
“But you don’t have a wife waiting for you at home.”
“I don’t, but even if I did, I would have done the same. I’d sacrifice my life for my brothers, and I know they’d do the same for me.”
“It’s so hard,” she sobs. Her strong façade chipping away slowly.
“I know.” I stand and walk toward her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “But you gotta keep living.”
“I don’t know how,” she says between tears.
“Start by spending more time with those who care about you.”
“I can’t yet.” She shakes her head. I sigh, knowing it will take more than one pep-talk to get her to see what she’s missing out on by hiding inside these walls, blaming Josh.
After Bri has no more tears left in her for the night, I leave her house, promising to check in on her again.