Although I didn’t tell Cole I loved him three days ago, I feel deeply for him. It felt right to hear him say it, and I know soon I’ll be at that place. Working with Liza about my fear of losing another person I love, she pointed out that no two experiences are identical. I already lived through something tragic that helped me grow, and now I am prepared to flow, like Olivia said. Instead of wasting time being afraid, I am going to be present.
I drop the box I’m carrying on top of another one in the stack I’m creating and grab my ringing phone.
“Hey, Cash.” The wrinkle between my eyebrows deepens.
“Bri, can you come over? Olivia needs you.” His voice is grave.
“Be right there.” I don’t ask what’s wrong.
My nerves are shot when I walk into their house, all possible tragedies having crossed my mind. When I saw Cash’s face, though, I knew.
“Hey.”
Olivia sits on their bed with her head down. I kneel in front of her. “What’s going on?”
Her throat bobs as she swallows. The devastation in her eyes when we make contact slices through me.
“Oh, babe.” I sit next to her and hug her. Olivia leans her head on my shoulder and cries.
I soothe her the best I can, rubbing my hand down her arm. She finally looks up at me.
“I lost the baby.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m so sorry.”
“I went to the doctor today and he confirmed it. This is so hard.” She leans her head once again on my shoulder. “Cash got home and I was lying on the bathroom floor. I broke down and cried when I saw him. I was numb before then, lying there staring at nothing. I was so angry. Cash cried with me. We mourned our baby, but I trust God. I know that everything will happen in divine timing. I believe He’s doing what’s right for our family.”
It pains me to hear Olivia speak about this. They were so excited. I think of the Christmas gift she got Cash.
“But you know, this little nugget will always be our first. It hurt so much to hear the doctor confirm what we already knew.”
“Do you feel okay? What can I do?”
“I’m okay. Physically, I’m healthy. I promised Cash to take it slow for a few weeks. Emotionally, I’m getting there. I don’t know how some women are strong enough to go through this multiple times. It’s heartbreaking. When you have a baby growing in you, the connection is instant.”
“I can understand that. It will happen, though.”
“We decided not to stress it. It will happen more naturally, without a plan.”
“I think that’s a good idea. Spontaneity works for you two.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” Olivia smiles.
“Definitely.”
I stay at Olivia’s for a while. When Cole calls, I tell him I’m here without explaining why.
“You can tell him,” Olivia says when I hang up.
“That’s Cash’s role.”
“I guess you’re right. How’s it going with you two?”
“Good. Christmas was fun. My parents liked him, so did Catherine and Bill. They called the next day to tell me. He told me he loved me that night.”
“What?” Olivia gasps.
“Yeah. He said he doesn’t expect me to say it back out of guilt, but he wanted me to know where he stands.”
“You guys haven’t…?”
“No.” I widen my eyes.
“I’m only asking. Why not?” She turns her head to face my directly.
“Liv,” I warn.
“Amuse me.”
I roll my eyes and say, “It doesn’t feel right to do that with another man in the home I shared with Josh. It’s as if his presence still lingers on the walls, and I want to respect that as his home.”
“Okay, I can accept that.”
I shove my shoulder with Olivia’s. “Are you feeling better?”
“Yes. Thanks for coming by. I hadn’t even realized Cash called you.”
“Anytime. You could’ve called me.”
“I know. I was just distracted.”
I hug my best friend for a while. “Call me at any time. I’m here for you.”
I call Cole after I leave Cash and Olivia’s house. As painful as it was, hearing Olivia talk about the miscarriage with hope and clarity was comforting. Her and Cash will overcome this and one day have their wonderful family.
“Hey,” Cole answers.
“Hi.”
“How are Cash and Olivia?” The tone in his voice gives away that he must have heard something.
“They’re okay.”
“Cash sent us a message with what happened,” he confirms.
“She’s getting there. A lot more optimistic than I would be, but sad.”
“That’s understandable, considering the circumstance.”
“I know.”
“What are you doing now?” he asks.
“I’m going home to finish the last bit of packing. I thought I’d be done by now, with the amount of crap I’ve stuffed in boxes.”
Cole chuckles into my ear and I sigh. His throaty laugh has become a pacifier.
“How much do you have left?”
“The last bit of kitchen stuff.”
“I’ll come over and help you and then we can go out for a bit.”
“Aren’t you sick of packing up someone else’s house?” I half tease. He isn’t responsible for putting away all of my stuff.
“You know I’m not. I get to see you, right? That’s all I care about. If it meant spending more time with you, then I’d sit under a bridge in the freezing cold and keep you warm.”
“You’re insane,” I respond.
“Eh, I’ve been called worse.”
It’s my turn to laugh. “I’ll be home in a few.”
“Heading out now.”
His enthusiasm shines from him. I wonder if it’s due to me moving forward in more ways than one. He must think that a new home brings new chapters to this book I’m writing. I’ve thought about it.
In all honesty, I want to spend more time with him. If we sit on the floor with no glassware to drink out of, I don’t care. Being with him has brought about a new dawn. Cole is my daybreak after a constant sense that the sun would never shine again.
“Did you speed on the way here?” I call out to Cole. He got here before I did, and I was already on my way.
“Of course not,” he charms me.
He hooks his arms around my waist and pulls me in, a soft kiss landing on my lips.
“Let’s get you packed up.”
In the kitchen, wrapping up the glassware, I watch the man that didn’t give up on me when I was done fighting for a future. He’s handsome, but he has a great heart. He may have fooled around a lot, but beneath that, he has a kind soul.
As Olivia spoke with such peace and understanding today about the miscarriage, I realized I have choices. I was angry about Josh’s death. Olivia lost a child, her and Cash’s own creation. Though she was sad, she understood a greater purpose. Had I been that open-minded, would I be here tonight with Cole?
Cole could have never felt the need to impose himself in my life had I taken Josh’s death with a different perspective. He could’ve sat back and waited for the right time, unaware there is no such thing as the right time.
I smile to myself as I lay out bubble wrap on the counter to roll a cup in. “Let’s stay in tonight,” I propose.
“Are you sure?” Cole’s furrowed brows make him adorable.
“Yeah. We’ll be out pretty much all night on the 31st. I rather stay in tonight and tomorrow, just the two of us.”
The way Cole looks at me expands my heart. It is gentle and caring. It’s amazing what you see when you choose to take off blindfolds and stare at reality. I could’ve missed this. More than anything, I could’ve missed living.
“I’m not going to argue with that.”
“We can order Chinese and maybe go buy ice cream?” I suggest.
“Whatever you want, baby.”
“Thank you.”
“No need to thank me. I can eat anything.”
“No. Thank you for caring enough to make sure I didn’t waste away with the memories of a past that could not be a future.” The memories Josh and I made in this home are painted on as thick as the white paint that adorns the walls.
“Hey.”
“Let me finish. This is his house Cole; it was our home, and I want to keep that. I’m sorry that I’m not giving you more. I felt guilty in the beginning, as if this was a love triangle between my deceased husband and the man I’ve grown to care about. Going back and forth. Laughing with you, and sleeping with him. It’s been a challenge to overcome that, but I know now that there is no affair. There are two separate relationships. I accept how fortunate I am to be able to experience that. Again, thank you for the chance to live a different happy ending.”
“Babe,” he whispers and walks to me. His rough hands on my face are a calm I have come to rely on. “I know how difficult this has been for you. I was present through the good and the bad. It’s our story. I am glad you had that life with Josh. That was yours, and I want you to understand that you can talk to me about it. No guilt. No fear. No feelings hurt. I’m grateful to be the man in your life. The man you chose to allow to love you again after the pain you endured.”
“Thank you for loving me through it all.”
Cole’s lips mold with mine, his tongue briefly touching mine before pulling away. “I don’t want you to apologize for what you can give or not give me. I’ve got my entire life to spend with you, so take your time. Our fire ain’t burning out anytime soon.”
I kiss him with passion.
“Let’s finish this up and we can grab ice cream and pick up dinner,” he says.
“Done.” I tape up the final box. I slump back in the stool. I look around at the empty kitchen and sigh. All that’s left is the furniture that will be loaded into the moving truck. Whatever doesn’t fit in the apartment will be donated. Unpacking is going to be a pain.
“How does it feel?” Cole asks.
“Weird.”
Cole holds my hand. “This is a building. The memories are here.” He places his hand over my heart.
“You’re right. Now it’s time for food.”
Cole laughs and grabs his keys. “I’ll drive.”
We choose two different ice cream flavors and pick up Chinese before returning home and eating on the living room floor, using the coffee table to place the food.
“You ladies will be waiting on the side of the stage while we perform. We’ll be in a bus until it begins. Our sound check was perfect this morning, so we’re ready to go as soon as they tell us.”
“Are you nervous?” I ask Cole as we drive to Bicentennial Park.
“Nah. I’m a pro.” His cheeky smile makes me laugh.
“You’re right. You guys always put on an amazing show.”
“I’m happy you’re coming with me.”
“Of course I am.” I lace my fingers with his free hand.
“I mean that I’m happy we are in the place we’re in. Real happy.”
“I am, too.” I say this with honesty and pride. I’m proud at how far I’ve come since the news that Josh had passed knocked me down. I’m grateful that I have friends that care about me as much as mine do, and a family that is supportive, despite the tragedy that swept us all.
The fear that was threatening to bring me down has dissipated as I’ve worked on releasing that mentality of death. I accept life is out of our control, but I also know that the way we react to situations will allow us to enjoy the life we have or poison it. We’re never promised more than the moment we’re living in, so I decided to not allow my worries to stain the only life we truly have to experience.
In two days, I move to a new apartment, and I can finally say I’m prepared for that change. Each day I get to spend with the man next to me is a new day I wake up grateful for his stubbornness and my willingness to heal.
When I spoke to Wendy the other day, I told her the changes that were happening. I’m happy to have found a friend in her. We have each other to lean on when we have difficult days.
Cole pulls into a side entrance and drives through until we see the bus. They have this area secluded from fans, so the singers participating tonight can get ready. They will have a meet and greet right before the show for the VIP ticket holders.
Thankfully, Olivia and Jen will be here too.
“Hey guys,” Cole walks into the bus holding my hand. Cash, Jason, and Ryder are already here.
“What’s up?” Ryder greets us.
We take a seat, and I talk to Olivia and Jen as the guys meet and go over a few details.
“How are you feeling?” I ask Olivia.
“Good. So much better than the other day.” Her smile convinces me.
“How are you?” I ask Jen.
“Fabulous,” she drawls.
We compliment each other’s dresses. Olivia admires my sequins blazer over my black, low-cut dress. She’s dressed in an ivory slip dress with beaded embellishments in black and ivory. Jen’s outfit is edgy like her, the sequins miniskirt and cropped leather jacket over her black, silk top a perfect combination.
We talk about the night until it’s time for the guys to go out for the meet and greet. After that, we meet Tyler and Mikayla. Rebel Desire will perform right before Tyler, so we wait together. It’s good to see Mikayla outside of the center and in a different light.
I listen as she tells us about the wedding preparations and their plan. They want a small wedding with close family and friends. Since neither of them have a big family, it won’t be too difficult to keep the ceremony intimate.
Hearing her speak has me questioning if I’ll ever get married again. I vowed to love a man for the rest of my life, but since death did part us, am I willing to make similar vows to another? I hadn’t put so much thought into that aspect of our relationship. I’m not sure how I feel about another wedding, yet it wouldn’t be fair to limit Cole’s experiences because of my own. I shake off those thoughts, no need to worry about the future, and join in on the conversation again.
When the guys get the signal to head toward the stage, we all wait off to the side until it’s their turn to perform. It’s amazing to see this process from a different point of view. The stage is rearranged for the next band after each act, and the crowd grows impatient with each minute they need to wait.
“Here we go.” Cole squeezes my hand and kisses my cheek. “Wish me luck,” he winks.
“You’ll do great.” I pat his chest and watch him take his place behind the drums. My wild drummer.
“He’s crazy about you,” Mikayla whispers. “I’m glad you’ve worked through your loss.”
“Thank you.” I smile over at her. Tyler stands next to her, his arm draped over her shoulder. “He’s crazy about you, too.”
Mikayla nods. “It wasn’t easy, but we got here.”
I’m enthralled as the guys perform song after song. Cash peeks over at Olivia a few times, smiling as he sings to her and the crowd eats it up. It’s his thing, and I’m surprised he doesn’t call her out to join him at some point.
“Ladies and gentlemen, man I can feel your energy from here. Who’s ready to ring in the new year? It’s almost time to kiss your sweetheart as the clock strikes midnight, but we have one more song before our boy, Tyler Hunt, serenades y’all. Now, this song is a special one for us.”
He looks toward me and then Cole. I swallow back, thinking he’s going to sing the song Cole wrote for me.
“A little over a year ago, we lost one of our brothers. It was hard, on all of us. He was a brave man that defended our country with pride and heart. We all know so many who are or have been overseas fighting for our freedom. They protect the red, white and blue. How many here have served our country or have a loved one serving?”
So many people clap and cheer. I shut my eyes, exhaling with force.
“This song is for our brother, Josh Carmichael, soldier, husband, and friend. It’s for all of you here who have been out there sacrificing your lives and for the families here who have loved ones that have done the same. This is our humble thank you and our way of celebrating you. Without you, we wouldn’t be here doing what we love.”
I don’t bother wiping the tears that stream down my face. Music begins playing and I try to freeze this moment. My right thumb twirls my wedding ring as I listen to the words the guys put together.
“This is Saluting You.” Cash introduces the song.
We live in freedom,
Chasing our dreams
In a home we love
Thanks to people like him
Served with honor,
Protected with courage
We salute those who
Stand in the line of fire,
Forever remembered
The price is high
to live this life
but we got you to thank
for the sacrifice you gave
Served with honor,
Protected with courage
We salute those who
Stand in the line of fire,
Forever remembered
We remember you
With pride and respect,
Saluting the red, white, and blue,
Knowing our peace ain’t for free
Served with honor,
Protected with courage
We salute those who
Stand in the line of fire,
Forever remembered
When shots are released
And flags wave high,
We remember you,
Yeah, we do,
We remember you
All four men sing the chorus, each of them paying their respects to Josh. Olivia hugs me from the side as we all watch in silence and remember the amazing man he was.
The cheers are deafening as Cash finishes singing the last verse. They bow and wave as they exit the stage. I first see Cash and smile.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Bri. We all miss him.”
I wipe at my tears as Jason and Ryder hug me. Cole’s face is more serious when he reaches me.
“You’re amazing,” I tell him.
“Nah, I do what I love and recognize those who deserve it.”
Everything around us is buzzing with noise and movement, but all I see are Cole’s eyes. I hold his face and smile. “I love you.”
I pull his face toward me and kiss him with all my love. His arms tighten around my waist, bringing me flush to him. Our tongues move together, rediscovering each other.
When we separate, he has a goofy smile on his face. He drops a kiss on my forehead and wraps his arm around my shoulders as we watch Tyler rock the hell out of that stage.
When the countdown begins, we all call out the descending numbers until midnight rolls around. Cole wraps me in his arms and kisses me.
“Happy New Year,” he murmurs against my lips.
“Happy New Year,” I repeat.
I look up at the faded stars and smile up at Josh. He’ll always have a space inside my heart, and now I’ve expanded to allow the amazing man to my right own a piece as well.