What the fuck?
I knock on Bri’s door again and the unmistakable sound of a bark screeches from the other side. Bri finally swings the door open and a tiny fur ball yaps at me.
“Uh…” I scratch the side of my head where my ball cap ends. “Are you dog-sitting?”
“Nope!” Her eyes twinkle.
I widen my eyes and nod slowly. “Okay. So, is this creature yours?”
“Don’t insult Dixie. If you have a problem with her, you have a problem with me.” She crosses her arms, and I hide the smile wanting to be set free as I watch her defend her new pup.
“No problem.” I hold my hands up in surrender but smile. This woman. Fuck, it’s good to see her smile. “So, you got a dog?”
“Yup! I met with my therapist a couple days ago, and we discussed things I’d like to do in life. You know, after Josh. One of the things I mentioned was get a dog. I was supposed to wait on that one until I was sure I could commit, but then I saw a man selling puppies on my way to Home Depot, and I couldn’t walk away without her.”
Bri is talking a mile a minute, making me dizzy with her words, but I can’t help the smile that broadens on my face. I sit on the sofa, the little thing sniffing my shoes and barking up at me.
“What were the other things you planned to do?” I look up at Bri while the dog claws at my shoes.
“An herb garden, which you interrupted. Thanks to Dixie’s barking I came inside to see what was going on.” She puts her hands on her hips.
“That explains the muddy knees,” I point out, but don’t stop from eyeing her lean legs. Whatever has gotten into her, I like it. This is the Bri I knew. The Bri with fire in her veins.
“Yeah. Okay, well I gotta get back to the plants. You can come outside if you want.” The speed of her words and her bopping around have me blinking slowly.
Bri bounces off toward the back door that leads to her patio, the little monster behind her. When I get outside, I see dirt everywhere, holes dug in a corner, the hoe dripping water. Bri’s movements are fast and anxious. She doesn’t speak as she lines the plants in the holes she dug.
“Do you need help?” I finally ask after staring at her.
“Nope! I’m good.” She pats the dirt around the plants she just placed and hops to her feet.
“Bri?”
“Yeah.” She whips her head around to look at me.
“Are you okay?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” She begins watering her new plants; I watch Dixie sniff them. “Dixie out!” She yells at her new companion.
“It’s just that…” How do I say this without offending her? “You seem a little excited.” Bri tilts her head and looks at me with furrowed brows. “A little anxious maybe? Did you drink anything?”
“Like what, Cole?”
“I don’t know. I’m just saying.”
“No, I didn’t. It’s daytime. I’m not an alcoholic. So, I’m excited I have a new pet and doing something different. Is that a sin?”
That’s when it clicks. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” I soften. These things are supposed to help her cope, but Bri is trying too hard to be distracted. “Tell me more about Dixie. What kind of dog is she?”
“A Cockapoo.” I cough, holding in my laughter. “Your mind is in the gutter,” Bri says, but she’s also trying to hold her laughter.
“And you named her Dixie?” I emphasize the X.
“Ugh!” She rolls her eyes. “Just let me have this.” She looks up at the sky then back down at Dixie when she barks again. That thing never shuts up.
“You’re right. Sorry. I think it’s great. She’ll keep you company. This is good, Bri.”
“Thanks.” Her shoulders slump, the tension leaving her body. I see the change instantly. From carefree and bouncing around to somber.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“I know, Cole. It’s difficult, you know. I’m trying. So damn hard. But I’m not sure how much this will actually help. A garden? A dog? Are these things supposed to keep my mind busy so I never think about what happened?”
“It’s not so you don’t think about it. They will help you move forward. Give you something to do, create a routine.”
“Yeah. Liza says it will help to get back to doing things I enjoy. To be Bri again, not Bri and Josh. I don’t know if that even makes sense or if it’s possible. I can’t go back.”
“No, but you can go forward. Be who you are and own it. Stay true to that person. The person you were even when you were with Josh. You’ve always been independent, Bri. Don’t let that die now.”
She nods her head and drops the tools she was using to work on her garden in a basket. “Want a drink?” She contradicts her earlier comment about not drinking during the daytime.
“Sure.”
I follow her inside. I want to be there for her, but I also want to hug her and hold her. I want to console her in a different way than a friend would. I want to pull Bri in, sniff her hair, and prove to her she can still be loved by someone. Only thing is, I’m not sure if she wants to be loved.
I hold back from grabbing her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze to comfort her. Fuck, I’m a loser. I gladly take the beer she hands me, grateful for the cool-down. I take in her mussed hair, dirt-stained top, and wide green eyes. Dixie is lying at her feet, finally quiet.
“She’s cute, right?” Bri looks down at the dog.
“Yeah. Loud as hell, but she’s cute.”
“She keeps me company, too. They told me she won’t shed much, which is great, and she’s not supposed to be this loud. I guess she’s adjusting to her new home.”
I smile as I enjoy the beer. Bri and I have fallen into this odd friendship where I show up at her place and she opens up to me about her deceased husband. All the while, I secretly crave to make her mine. It’s fucked up, but I have to make sure she knows she can count on me.
“Tell me about your herb garden.” I sit back on the stool and listen attentively as she tells me about the basil, oregano, and parsley, her recent knowledge on caring for them, and the recipes she will use them for.
“What’s on the agenda for the rest of the weekend?” I ask her after she tells me all about her new hobbies.
“Besides gardening and taking care of my new dog?”
“Yeah,” I nod. “You can do more than that.”
“I know I can.” She rolls her eyes.
“So come to Riot tonight. See our show.”
“You ever going to stop asking?”
“When you go. Come on. It’ll be fun. Think about it. Liv and Jen will be there. We’ll be there. It will do you good to surround yourself with your friends.”
“I don’t know. I can’t leave Dixie alone.”
“The dog is supposed to help you move forward, not become another excuse to stay locked up.” I remind her.
Bri rolls her eyes, but nods. “Maybe.”
“Great. I’ll leave a ticket for you at the door in case you decide to come.” What she doesn’t know is that I’ve been leaving a ticket for her since I started asking her to come to one of our Riot performances.
“I make no promises.”
“Bri, you deserve to be happy.”
“Without him?”
“Yeah. You can still be happy. No one will fault you for it. You’d want Josh to be happy if the roles were reversed.”
“Actually—” I cut her off with a stare. “Relax. I was going to say that I wouldn’t think of roles being reversed. I just think of a life where he’s still here. Don’t give me that pity smile, Cole,” she snaps.
“Sorry.” I didn’t think I had actually expressed what I was thinking. “But you gotta accept your reality.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re not the first to tell me and won’t be the last. I get it. I’m trying.”
I leave it at that. I don’t want her to sulk after I leave and get caught up again in the cycle she was in before. I see some spark in her. I want to keep it lit.
“See you later.” I hop off the stool and throw out the bottle.
“Maybe,” she responds. I chuckle and give her a quick hug.
“Bye, Bri.”
“Bye, Cole. Thanks for stopping by.”
Although the hug was much shorter than I would’ve liked, the feel of her frame in my arms fucks with my head.
“You guys ready?” Cash calls out.
“Yup,” we all respond.
“Let’s rock it, boys.”
We take our spots on stage, the drums calling me home. Last I checked, Bri hadn’t arrived, nor had she messaged me. I smile to myself as I remember her all messy today with that yapping puppy by her feet. Cash nods his head at me, and I get lost in our music. Sitting behind these drums, I am a creator of sound. We offer people an escape they crave, the perfect melody to an unforgettable night, and the rhythm needed for a good time.
Beats flow from my arms as the sticks strike each drum. Cash sings to the crowd, people cheering as we each get lost in the music for a little while. I know it’s the same for the rest of the guys. We each find solace doing what we love. When I’m here, everything else fades away—worries, stress, Bri, my guilt.
In a quick second, I notice Cash do a double take midway through the chorus and look back at me and smile when Ryder plays a guitar riff. I look out into the audience, my lips twisting up. I play harder than before throughout the rest of our set.
“You made it,” I walk up to Bri, who is standing with Olivia and Jen by the bar.
“I did.” Her smile catches me off guard.
“You got this to happen?” Olivia asks as she points her thumb over to Bri.
“Yup.” My pride is obvious through my smile.
“Good job,” Jen says and squeals when Ryder hugs her from behind, lifting her feet from the floor. She turns in his arms, and those two are gone, dancing in the crowd.
“Thanks, Cole,” Olivia says.
“We needed to get our girl out again.” I order a beer at the bar and ignore her squinted eyes.
“Hey, babe,” Cash says right on cue.
“You guys did great,” she responds and kisses him.
“Gotta show off for my girl.” Those two make me sick.
“You want a beer, Romeo?” I ask him.
“Sure thing.” I wouldn’t mind slapping that smug smile off his face. He turns to Bri. “Glad you came.”
“Sorry I missed the beginning, but you guys did put on a great show,” she tells him.
“Thanks.”
“Anyone else need something to drink?” I offer before closing my tab.
“We’re good,” Olivia responds and raises her full glass. Bri follows in suit. I drink my beer and watch as Liv and Bri talk for a while.
“Stop staring, man.” Cash squeezes my shoulder and chuckles. Asshole.
“I’m fucking crazy, aren’t I?”
“Nah, I get it, but you have to tread lightly with this one.”
“No shit.” I order another round of beers and relax into the night. I overhear Bri tell Olivia about Dixie and laugh when she grabs Bri’s phone to stare at the picture of the pup and squeal how cute she is.
Bri and my contact has been minimal throughout the night, but I’m happy to see her out of the house. It’s good to see her interacting with her friends again and smiling. She sighs and slumps back into the bar, slowly regressing. When I hear the song over the speakers it hits me.
“Shot?” I ask her as Cole Swindell’s “Middle of a Memory” plays throughout the space.
“Please.” She grins gratefully.
“Come dance with me?” Cash asks Liv.
“But…” Liv looks between him and Bri, concern lining her face.
“Cole will keep Bri company. Do you mind, Bri?”
“Not at all. Go have fun. I’m good here. A few more shots, and I might even join you,” she laughs.
I watch as they walk away from the bar toward the dancing patrons and get closer to Bri. I want to brush my fingers against her, have some kind of contact.
“I’m glad you came out.”
“Thanks, Cole. You’re right. I need more of this. I need more time with Liv and Jen. Time to recover what I’ve given up while I’ve been too busy missing Josh.”
“Step by step,” I tell her.
“I’ll drink to that.” She hits her glass to mine and sips her beer.
Bri and I talk while the others dance. Jason is nowhere to be found, and if I know that son of a gun he’s at the outdoor bar talking to the bartender that works the area. Ever since she started working here, he has been like a lost puppy aching to be wanted. Fuck, look who’s talking. I stare at the woman in front of me and sigh. I wish I were her fucking new puppy so I can sit on her lap while she touches me.
Creep.
I shake my head quickly and focus on what she’s saying about work. I think it’s cool that Bri works for the Nashville Sounds. Not many women I know will take a career in sports, and she loves it.
“What else do you have planned for the weekend?”
“I may tell Liv to come over tomorrow, and we can hang out since I’m having such a social weekend.”
“She’d like that. I know she misses seeing you.”
“I know.” Bri takes a deep breath. “I miss spending time with her, too, but I’ve been stuck.”
“Well, you got me to take you out of that.” I wrap an arm around her shoulder and she laughs.
“Yeah, yeah, wise guy.”
I want to tell her how beautiful she is, but I need to keep the lines defined.
Am I wasting my time staying by her side when she may never be ready to open up to someone else again?
She can’t stay single for the rest of her life. She’s only in her thirties. Hell, that wouldn’t be healthy.
“Come dance!” A breathless Olivia joins us. Before Bri can respond, Olivia is dragging her on the dance floor.
“She’s so happy Bri is here,” Cash says next to me. “Thanks for that.”
“Just wanted her to live a little.”
“You still checking in on her?” He asks with sincere curiosity.
“I can’t seem to stop.” It’s the honest fucking truth.
“Brother, you’re so screwed.” He claps my shoulder and orders us a round of shots and beer chasers. I’ll drink to that.