Fuck!
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I run my hand through my hair as I stare at four sets of curious eyes. Two of those already know I feel something for Bri, but Ryder and Jen have no idea. By the way Jen is looking at me, the light bulb in her head has lit up.
“Bro…” Jason says.
“Shut up.” I turn away from them and order a Jack and Coke.
“Cole,” Jen whispers.
“Not now, Jen.” I take back the drink as if it were a shot. I should’ve just ordered that. I had to go after her. I had to fucking run and grab her. Hold her to me as she sobbed. As soon as I saw her run off, I knew this song triggered something. Then, Liv told us it was her wedding song. I hate to see her like this. It drives me crazy to see Bri weak.
A small part is my selfishness because I want her. I want a chance with her. The bigger part is because I know how much she has to offer the world. Muting herself is useless when she’s glitter. She shimmers like a kaleidoscope or a rainbow or…
Stop fucking thinking, Cole.
When I turn around to face them, the only one looking at me is Cash.
“I couldn’t help it,” I tell him.
“I know.” He orders himself another beer.
“Was it as dramatic as I replayed it my mind?” Sometimes we make things worse than they are when we think about them.
“A little. More on her end, though. Don’t worry about it.” He claps my shoulder.
“Except now Ryder and Jen know I fucking like her. And Liv shouldn’t be too far behind. She’s gonna kick my ass.”
Cash chuckles. “I doubt Liv will. She does put up a good fight, but if you hold her head with your arm extended, that little firecracker can’t reach you.” He laughs, teasing about his wife.
“She hears you say that, she’ll send you to sleep on the couch.” I begin to relax.
“Nah. Besides, that’s what she gets for calling my arms freakishly long.” He raises his eyebrows and now I laugh. It was years ago when I told Liv that Cash only wins at beer pong because of his long arms. The guy is a giant, even by my six-foot standards. Since then, that’s been our inside joke.
Now, Liv may never want to joke with me again if she figured out I care about Bri. First, she caught me visiting her, and now this. I love Olivia, but she’s protective of Bri.
Besides, all they see in me is a man whore. In their minds, I’ll never be good enough for Bri.
“Incoming,” Cash whispers. Olivia and Bri are walking toward us. Bri avoids our eyes, clearly embarrassed.
“Sorry guys,” she says as she stares at the floor. “I’m gonna go. I’ll see y’all around soon.” She finally looks up and gives me a small smile. It takes everything in me not to offer to drive her home, or just follow her like the creep I am.
After Bri leaves, Olivia tilts her head and looks at me. She remains silent. I’m the first to look away and order another drink. At this rate, I’m going to need to hitch a ride. Thankfully, Jason is my roommate.
We all stay a while longer, but the mood has changed. Instead of all hanging out together, everyone is dispersed. The two couples off somewhere, Jason probably trying to mack it with the bartender out back, and I’m just wandering around a bar, drinking away my woes.
Ready to go home, I step out to the patio to look for Jason.
“Cash, what’s going on with Cole?” I hear Olivia speaking. I hold back and listen. Shit.
“Nothing. Why?” Trusty old Cash.
“Don’t lie to me. He likes Bri, right? I saw him tonight. And the other night he was at her house when I went to pick her up.”
“No idea.”
“Cash…” Liv’s voice is full of concern.
“Relax, baby.” If I could see them, I’d bet a million bucks Cash was pulling her into him to try and distract her.
“Don’t try to kiss your way out of this.” I hold my chuckle at Olivia’s response.
“I just want a little lovin.’”
Liv laughs, and I roll my eyes. He’s so predictable.
Then, I hear, “She’s my sister, Cash.” The seriousness of her tone almost makes me feel bad for eavesdropping.
“And Cole is my brother.”
“She’s not…”
“Shhh… he just wants to make sure she’s okay.” Fucking thank the Lord for friends like Cash.
“But it’s Cole.” I tense. My lifestyle set me up for this, but my friends should know I am better than some careless prick who just fucks.
“Yeah, and he’s a great friend and amazing person,” Cash defends.
Before she can argue against him, I decide it’s time I speak for myself.
“Liv,” I interrupt them. Her eyes widen as she sees me. “I’m not going to hurt her.”
“You…” she’s speechless.
“Yeah, I overheard what you were saying. Look, it doesn’t even matter. Bri doesn’t think of me that way, but I do care about her and want her to be okay. I know you want the same for her. Please, don’t tell her, though. I don’t want to add more confusion to her life, or lose her completely,” I add.
“I just… I don’t know what to say. She’s delicate. She’s mourning.”
“I know, Liv. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve seen her lose her shit. That’s why I’m asking you to please keep this to yourself.”
“I should’ve been the one there for her,” Liv mumbles.
“Hey, you have been,” Cash comforts her.
“Damn, you really care about her.” Liv looks at me.
“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. She’ll never see me as more than a friend. She’s not ready for anyone else to enter her life, not like that anyway.”
“Maybe one day,” Liv shrugs.
“Whatever. I’m gonna go.”
Completely sober now, I don’t bother looking for Jason. Instead I leave, wishing I could check on Bri, but knowing that isn’t the wisest idea. It felt so good to be the one to hold her, even if it was while she wailed about her dead husband. She fit around me so perfectly. For a moment, I could pretend she was mine.
“The fuck is wrong with you?” Jason walks out to our yard and looks at me.
“Nothing,” I bite.
“Yeah, right,” he mumbles. “If this is about last night, just let it go.”
Asshole. “Easy for you to say,” I say under my breath.
“Whatever.” He walks back into the house and leaves me to my push-ups. I couldn’t sleep. Instead, I got up at five this morning and started running sprints out here. From there, my workout escalated and so did my bad mood. For no other reason than I’m tired of hiding my feelings for Bri. It’s not fair of me, I know that. However, I’m pissed at the universe for fucking bringing her into my life and making her unavailable, even when she can be.
I plow through another set of push-ups, erasing Bri’s brokenness from my memory. Her cries were so intense last night. As much as I felt like the shining knight consoling her, I quickly realized I’m no more than the court jester, attempting to ease her moods, one joke at a time.
I’m a fool to think I could show up at her place and help her heal so she can see how wonderful I am. She doesn’t care about me that way. She’s never going to get over Josh. She’s never going to move on from his ghost.
“Argh!” I pour my frustration into the last push and stand, wiping my face with the bottom of my tee shirt.
I wordlessly leave the house after I shower, and drive to the gun range. Nothing a little shooting won’t help with.
I instantly feel better as I shoot my target on an infinite round of bullets. When I finally rest, my arms are sore. I check my phone and open up the first message I see.
Bri: hey cole, sorry I cried all over you last night. thank you
Cole: don’t mention it. and no need to apologize.
I leave the range without a response from Bri. What am I supposed to tell her? I’m pissed at myself for thinking I could have what Cash and Olivia have. I’m a fool for believing in something that’s not in the cards for me. Despite people around me having happy and healthy relationships, I may have dug myself into a deep, karmic hole, for shitting around in the past.
It doesn’t help that I go and fall for someone who is unavailable. Idiot.
I drive around until I see the tinted windows. Pulling into the lot, I get out and walk into the billiards bar.
“What’s up, man?”
“Hey, Scott.” I greet the bartender. “Whatever craft you have on draught,” I tell him.
He nods and serves my beer before I walk over to the only empty table. I set up the game, cursing the Sunday brunch crowd that crams this place.
I’m playing solo for a while when some long-legged blonde leans over the table. I try to ignore her, but not without sneaking a peek at her legs, painted in dark jeans.
“Hey,” she says, acting coy.
“Hi.” I jut my chin out and knock a stripe into the corner pocket.
“Want a little competition?” She leans further into the table and I take a glimpse at her cleavage. She’s the exact type of woman I would have normally drilled into a year ago.
“I’m good for now. Gonna finish up this round.”
“Okay. I’ll be around, if you change your mind,” she purrs.
I grab another beer and keep on playing by myself. Table for one. That explains my life at the moment—in a game, in a bar, in life. Solo. Because the one woman I’ve ever wanted to give the world to is off-limits. So off-limits that I’m up against someone who isn’t even alive anymore. I need to shake this Bri crush off.
I’m hogging the table to myself when I see groups of people eyeing it. Fuck them. Five beers in, and I couldn’t give a shit that they want to play. My hits are slower, and it’s taking a bit more to get the balls in the pockets.
“You’re still here.” I look up to see the same blonde.
“Still here, sweetheart.” She ignores my annoyance and focuses on what’s supposed to be a term of endearment. If she only knew I call all my one-night stands sweetheart.
“Well, I think it’s time for a little competition.” She walks close enough to rub behind me and grabs a stick. “Rack the balls, I’ll hold your stick.” She arches an eyebrow.
Fuck. This woman isn’t shy. “I’m good.” My attempt is weak.
“One game. You’ve been here all alone. You look like you could use some company.”
I hold up two fingers to Scott so he can get me my beers and prepare for the game. If Blondie doesn’t like beer, then she’s on her own.
I chug half when Scott drops it off, grateful for bartender friends.
“So, what’s your name?” Blondie asks and I raise an eyebrow. She’s shitting me, right?
“Cole.”
“I’m Angie,” she smiles. It’s supposed to be seductive, and I’m sure to any other male it would be.
“Nice to meet you. You wanna break?”
“Sure.” Is this chick fucking with me or does she really not know who I am? I find it hard to believe. It won’t be the first time a woman pretends not to know who any of us are to try to get in our pants. We’ve had to be more careful with hook-ups since our fame exploded. You’d be surprised what some women would do for bragging rights and exclusive interviews with cheesy, gossip magazines.
I play silently, answering a few of her questions, until she sidles up real close and puts her arm on my shoulder. Before I realize what’s happening, she leans into my ear and whispers, “How about we get out of here?”
I shake my head, but fuck, if feeling her breasts against my side doesn’t get a reaction out of me.
“Come on, Cole.” Her warm breath tickles my neck and her arm snakes down my body. I grip her wrist before she reaches her goal, and I shake my head.
“I said no.” My jaw clenches.
That’s when I hear giggles. I look to the side and see a group of women, one with her phone facing me.
“If I were you, I’d go back to your friends and leave me alone. Not in the mood to get felt up by some stranger, who probably uses her looks to get in men’s pants for lack of offering anything else to them. Sweetheart, gain some self-respect.”
I walk around her, pay Scott, and leave. I wouldn’t be surprised if a picture pops up somewhere. Manipulative bitches seeking some quick fame and a few bucks.
I speed out of the parking lot and down the street, my mood no better than it was this morning. Fuck it.
I pull into Bri’s driveway and slam the door. Everything inside me says this is a bad idea, but my ego and pride are leading my body to her front door, screaming for me to see her.
“Hey, Cole.” Bri answers the door, her eyebrows furrowed.
“Hi.”
“Want to come in?” She tilts her head.
“Listen, I know you’re hurting. I know losing Josh was tremendously painful, but Bri, you gotta let go. You can’t let this cloud follow you around, drowning you in sadness. I can’t imagine what it feels like to lose someone you love that much, but if I were Josh, I’d want you to be happy. I’d want you to move on and live your life. I’d love you enough to want that for you.”
“What the fuck do you know about losing someone you care about? Even you said it, you’ve never lost anyone this close to you unexpectedly.”
“Unexpectedly? Come on, Bri, you can’t be that naïve. You always knew the probability of Josh dying was high whenever he was out there fighting. We all knew it. And it sucks. I get it. We all cared about Josh, but damn it, move on. It’s time. Put on your big girl panties and live.”
“Fuck you, Cole. You have no idea what this feels like. You have no idea what it’s like to lie on that bed and not have him next to me. I wish I would’ve died too! You’re a real winner, coming here and calling me out for the way I choose to grieve my husband’s death. A real fucking hypocrite for coming and being a friend when in reality you think I’m an idiot.” Her voice gets louder with each word she speaks, and soon the neighbors are going to come see what’s going on.
“Shhh… Bri. Don’t yell.”
“No! Don’t you dare now come and tell me not to react. How dare you show up at my house after I apologized for losing it last night and tell me how to live my life?” Tears are streaming down her face, and all I want to do is kiss them away. I reach out for her hand but she pulls away, shaking her head.
“Bri—”
“Fuck, off, Cole,” she spits.
“I can’t! I can’t fucking leave you alone. Why? You want to know why? If you’d been aware of what the hell is going on around you, you’d realize it’s because I fucking care about you. It kills me to see you like this, but it kills me even more that I’ll never be the man you want.”
“Get out,” she says eerily quiet.
“With fucking pleasure.” I turn and leave. By the time I’m in the car, her door is already closed and Bri is nowhere to be found.
I just fucked up royally.
I call Cash and tell him I’m going over.
“What did you do?” Olivia seethes when she opens the door. Shit. Before I can cover myself, she’s slapping my shoulders and arms. “You promised you wouldn’t hurt her!”
“Baby…” I hear Cash behind her.
“No, Cash. Don’t you dare.” I stare at Olivia, pissed as a violent storm tearing up a town.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt her,” I whisper lousily.
“I’m going to Bri’s. Fix this.” She looks at Cash. To me, she just growls with disgust and walks to her car.
“Fuck,” I murmur.
“No shit,” responds Cash.