Quinn
Erik is softly snoring next to me, and I haven’t slept even for a minute until I see the sunlight beam into the room. My body is so tense, my chest is squeezing my lungs, and all I can think of is what happened this weekend.
I sit up on the bed, looking at my phone on the nightstand. I want to text Alex. There was a race last night, and I didn’t go. I didn’t want to face him after what happened, not because I’m regretting, but because I don’t want to hurt him by letting him see me with Erik.
I’m so confused about my feelings. I cheated on my boyfriend. Not even once. It kept happening again and again. I don’t know if I’m regretting what happened between us anymore. I keep telling myself that it won’t happen again, that it was just a slip; but I end up finding myself in his arms.
And right now, even when I’m in bed with my supposed-to-be boyfriend, I want Alex. I want more of him. And I’m not even ashamed anymore.
What’s happening to me? When did I turn into this person?
I turn on the bed, watching Erik. I made myself believe that he loves me, but I’m not even so sure about that right now. Thinking about our relationship and comparing it to what I experienced with Alex, it feels like Erik and I have been just friends. Yeah, we had sex. Yeah, he told me he loved me lots of times, but something was missing in our relationship. I can’t even really name it.
When I remember Alex’s desperation and hunger for me I feel like Erik has never loved me. He’s never been desperate for me. He’s never made me feel so sexy, so powerful, so important. But Alex makes me feel like I’m the most important thing in his life, in this world. When I think about him, I feel like there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me.
I sigh and head to the bathroom.
After a quick shower, I put on my clothes and decide to text Alex to congratulate him. But my hand hovers over my phone when a message comes to Erik’s.
You failed to take your boy out…
I frown when I see the part of the message. With a bad feeling inside me, I swipe the screen and read the rest.
You failed to take your boy out. Now, we’re coming to collect. Tick tock.
What does this mean?
I look at Erik and mark the message as unread before putting the phone back on the nightstand. He stirs in his sleep, and I turn to face the mirror on the wall, pretending like I’ve been dealing with my hair.
“Good morning,” he says. His voice is still sleepy.
“Morning.”
He then gets out of the bed and walks toward the bathroom. Just like that. Not a kiss, not a flirty or fun comment. And I notice it’s been always like this, but I didn’t realize it before; probably because I didn’t have anything to compare it to.
I sigh.
When Erik comes out of the bathroom, dressed, he quickly checks his phone, and his eyes widen. He looks like he’s seen a ghost and I know he’s panicked.
“Quinn, I have to go. I have an early class,” he mutters and almost runs out of the room.
Before I can make sense of his actions my phone rings. My mom is calling.
“Mom?”
“Hey, baby girl. We haven’t talked in days. How are you? Is everything okay?” she asks, and a pang of guilt hits me. The last time we talked I was a mess. I can’t think how much she must’ve been worried.
I’m about to tell her that everything’s okay, but I decide against it. “I need you, Mom,” I whisper.
“Is it about Alex?” she asks.
“It’s about me, Mom. I don’t know what’s right and wrong anymore. I don’t understand how something wrong feels so right.”
“Why do you think it’s wrong?” she asks. I can feel the smile in her voice.
“How can cheating be right?” I blurt out and cover my mouth when I realize what I’ve just said.
“Oh… well, that’s not. But maybe the main wrongness in this is that you’re forcing yourself to stay with someone while wanting another? Do you think breaking up is worse than being cheated on?”
I swallow. “I don’t want to leave someone who loves me. I don’t want to be like my father,” I say.
“Baby, I wasn’t heartbroken by the fact that your father left me. I was upset because I didn’t know how to explain that to you. I was worried that you’d blame me for your father’s leaving. People fall out of love just like the way they fall in love. And there’s no stopping either of them,” she says softly.
“So, what do you think I should do?”
“I think you should do whatever makes your heart happy. You’ll hurt someone more if you choose to stay with him even when you don’t love him anymore,” she says and adds, “Do you love Erik, Quinn?”
“I… no, Mom. I don’t. And I think I’ve not been in love with him for so long.”
“I think so too, baby,” she says.
“Okay, Mom. Thank you.”
“Go do the right thing, baby. And bring that boy here for Thanksgiving,” she says, and I laugh at her. Just the idea of Alex with my mom and I at Thanksgiving warms my heart.
After ending the call, I dial Noah’s number.
“Hey, Queen Bee,” he answers, his voice is breathy.
“Did I call at the wrong time?”
“I… I have a guest, but it’s not important. Tell me what’s up?” he says.
I shake my head at him and his guests. “No, you take care of your guest. I just need to tell you something,” I say hesitantly.
“I’m all ears. We can meet if it’s important,” he says.
“No. I mean it’s important, but I’ll tell you everything in detail later. I just want you to know… that…” I trail off.
“You’re making me nervous, Quinn,” he says.
“I think I love Alex,” I blurt out, and I hear a sound that is a mixture of a cough and laugh.
“Fucking finally. So, you’re on the way to let him know that I assume?”
I bite my lip, looking at the door and I answer him before ending the call:
“Yes. Yes, I’m on my way to let him know that.”