Alex
What do you do when you have a million feelings swirling inside you?
No, I’m for real asking.
Because I don’t know.
I’m tired, mostly. Tired of feeling this way.
There’s a song by Shawn James; it’s called . You should listen to it. I’ve listened to that song, ah, about a hundred times just because I like the guy’s voice, but I never really got it until now. Now, it’s like he sang that song about me.
I’ve lived through a lot of things. In many homes. With many people. Even in the darkest times, I never gave up. Maybe it’s because I was too stubborn or too stupid, but the thought of giving up never even came up.
When my mother finally pegged it, I did what I had to, to fit in. I became whatever, whichever foster home needed me to be. I ducked under the radar, or I shone brightly. I learned how to steal; I learned the best hiding places, I learned how to fake it. When I finally got sick of the bigger kids, and even sometimes the parents, beating on me, I became bigger than them, learned to fight better so I would never be picked on again.
When I got sick of living hand to mouth and scrounging for every piece of food I got, I learned about scholarships. I kept my head down, and I became the best I could be at football and math, and I won myself a sweet college ride, so I would never be in that position again.
When I figured out I had a dream, I went after it. I nail my ass studying and working and doing whatever I can, legal or illegal to get a foot in the door, so I will never be left on the outside looking in again.
None of it ever came easy. I’ve had to scratch and claw my way to getting wherever I wanted, and I’ve never once resented that fact. These are the cards I’ve been dealt, and I’m playing them. There is no plan B. There has never been a plan B. I’ve never needed one. I have always gotten what I want. Always. I knew where I was meant to be, and I went there. I knew what I wanted, and I got it.
Except this time.
My life is great. I’ve achieved all I set out to. I have surrounded myself with things that nobody can ever take from me because I got them for myself. I am happy. I should be happy. I was happy. Until her. I never knew that anything was missing.
Until Quinn. Delilah.
And it’s not about giving up. It’s not about figuring out a plan B.
I can’t force her to be with me. That’s not how I want her.
So, what do I do with all these feelings? Where do I put them?
I ease my car into my frat VP parking spot and sag back into my seat. Another thing I should be proud as fuck of.
It’s dark outside, and there’s already a party raging inside the frat judging by all the cars outside and the noise coming from inside. I scrub a hand down my face and check my watch. It’s past eleven. I must have lost track of time after leaving Quinn’s.
I switch my from the sad as fuck shit I’ve been listening to, to a . I dance in my seat to and fake it until I’m in at least an even enough mood to go in there and pretend I’m having a good time while I drink my feelings.
I enter the house and spread my arms. “Alright kids, cut the breaks and let’s make some mistakes!” My shouting is met by loud hollers of agreement. I greet people I recognize in the crowd as I make my way to the nearest keg stand. I let the guys keep my legs up as I chug myself into a new dimension. When they lift me up, I swallow down the rising bile and head out to the dance floor.
I play a couple of games of beer pong and shoot the shit with a few of my brothers and then head to the dance floor. I’m having a great fucking time. I close my eyes and jump and dance and lose myself in the music and the sound of people around me until I’m a sweaty mess. This is what I need. The noise, the people, and the shots they hand me. A. Great. Fucking. Time.
The only thing missing is something to make me forget enough to be able to close my eyes. I keep dancing and scan the crowd for the drunkest girl in the room. I don’t care what she looks like. I can’t even see straight anyway.
I spot her on the far side of the room, half swaying and half leaning against the wall. She’s one drink away from losing all sense of herself. She’s perfect. I stumble my way over and lean an arm on the wall next to her head. “Hey,” I sway into her because I’m too drunk even to keep my head up. “How’s it going?” My words are slurred, but she doesn’t seem to care. Her eyelids are heavy, and she can hardly focus.
“Hey,” she tries to place a hand on my chest in a gesture I assume she meant to be sexy, but she stumbles into me, and that hand is used to steady herself instead. I circle my free arm around her waist and dip my head down to her ear.
“Wanna come up to my room?” I pull back enough to see her nod, and then I stumble us both up the stairs. I’m already unstable on my feet from being drunk but her relentless groping and kissing my neck makes it worse, and my back falls against a wall when we reach the top of the stairs. I don’t know what’s happening in her head, but her body lowers, and her hands push my hoodie up.
“No, sweetheart,” I grip her under her arm and pull her up. “Not here.” We manage to make our way to my room but as soon as I close the door behind me, she’s on me again. I back her into the bed and push her down until her back meets the mattress. I kiss along her neck and clumsily work at getting her shoes off.
“I need to take a shower,” I mumbled between kisses. “Get comfortable babe. I’ll be right back.”
I pull my clothes off and step into the shower. Bracing my palms on the tiles, I let the warm water beat down on my skin. My mind is racing with a thousand thoughts. A certain redhead the center of all of them, but I’m too drunk to feel the pain her face should be causing. I smirk and let my head fall against the cold tiles. I stand there forever, waiting until I finally get out and wipe the steam off the bathroom mirror and stare at myself. My eyes are bloodshot, and my face looks bloated. Shaking my head, I close my eyes briefly and then step out into the bedroom.
The nameless girl is passed out and drooling onto my pillow, her legs splayed. Doesn’t seem like anything is going to happen tonight. Perfect.
What? You think I picked the drunkest girl in the room, so I could bring her up here and fuck her?
For shame. You should know, you go back and read the first chapter. I don’t fuck unless there’s a clear and definite ‘fuck yes.’ I didn’t bring her up here, so I could fuck her, I brought her up here, so I wouldn’t have to.
I just need the warm body, so I can sleep knowing I’m not by myself.
I roll her over onto the other side, pull down the covers and roll her back. I flip the drool covered pillow over and place it under her head. I’ll have these sheets washed tomorrow anyway. After I covered her, I put on a pair of sweats and crawl in beside her. Somewhere between listening to her drunken snoring and waiting for the room to stop spinning, I fall asleep.
Oblivion. I had a great time.
***
I feel something hard jab into my ribs. I’m in that weird place between being awake and still asleep, so I’m not sure if it’s real until I feel it again. My eyes flutter open, but as soon as they do, I slap my palm over my eyes. Too bright. I try again. Slower this time.
There’s a blonde in bed next to me, cradled into the fetal position under my arm, her knees being the culprit of the attack on my ribs.
Slowly things start coming back to me. The party. The alcohol. The girl. I turn over onto my back and scrub a hand down my face.
I jerk upright when there’s a brief knock on my door, and someone comes barging inside. “Alex, I need to…” Quinn stops short, turning white as a sheet as she takes me in, and the girl in the bed next to me.
Wait. Quinn?
“Quinn?” I frown; blinking to make sure it’s her.
“I’m sorry… I…” she looks from me to the girl, then back at me. “Sorry,” she mumbles and turns to leave the room.
“Quinn, wait,” but she’s gone before I can even get out of bed. “Fffffuck,” I groan and rip open the door to go after her. I call her again, but she ignores me and keeps going. I grab her arm just as she’s about to take her first step down the stairs and pull her back to face me.
“What are you doing here?”
“I... I wanted…” she blinks up at me, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say she is trying to blink back tears.
“Fuck, Quinn,” I take her hand and pull her after me, but stop in front my door. That girl is still in there. Changing my mind, I push her into Erik’s room instead. “What’s wrong? What happened?” She doesn’t answer me. Instead, she turns her back to me and buries her face in her hands.
“Queen Bee, talk to me.” I take a step towards her.
“Don’t call me that.” Her voice is annoyed, and I stop short.
“Okay, well…” I rub a hand through my hair. “Talk to me then.”
“I didn’t know… you…” she fists her hands at her sides and takes a deep breath.
“Didn’t know what?”
“That you’d have some girl in your bed, Alex!” She turns around and glares at me.
I jerk back at the sudden angry tone in her voice. I blink at her, not sure what to say.
“Okay, yeah,” I rub the back of my head. “I get that it must have been weird to walk in on but wha…”
“Weird? Weird to walk in on?” She angles her head in that way girls do when they’ve had about enough of your shit, and they’re about to lay into you and tell you exactly what kind of piece of shit you are.
“Um,” I look behind me, just to gauge the distance between myself and the door in case I need to start running for my life.
“Is that what you do?”
“I… what?”
“First you tell Erik all about how you’re coming for me, and then you tell me how you’re falling for me and we should be together, but the very same night you can’t fall into bed with some skank soon enough.”
“You don’t know that she may be a very nice girl.” I point a finger at her. I don’t know why I chose that point to concentrate on in this moment, but here we are.
“That’s not the point!” she shouts again, throwing her arms up in the air.
“What is the point then, Quinn? Because I gotta tell ya, I’m not sure why you even… wait, are you… jealous?!” Okay, wrong thing to say. Her face turns an unnatural shade of red, and she’s practically vibrating with rage.
“I. Am. Not. Jealous.” she grits out through clenched teeth.
“Then what’s the fucking problem?” I shrug and lift my palms.
“The problem is that you’re a manwhore. You say one thing to one girl and then go fuck another one and...” she stops, grappling for something else to add.
“And what? What, Quinn?” I’m suddenly angry, too. I take a step towards her. “What do you even care what I do? I laid it all out there for you yesterday, and you practically told me to go fuck myself.”
“And what if I had said yes, Alex? What then? It was so easy for you to move on to the next girl. I mean it’s kind of hard to believe someone would do that if they’re supposedly so in love with someone else.” Her eyes are angry, turning a deep shade of blue while her arms are gesturing wildly.
“Well, what the fuck do you expect me to do? Pine away for you while you go fuck your boyfriend senseless?” I grunt out a laugh and turn my back to her. Shaking my head, I turn to face her again. “Is that the kind of person YOU are? You want me to just be at your beck and call, ready for whatever scraps you’ll feed me before you go running back to him?”
“No! I...” she closes her mouth and opens it again. She crosses her arms over her chest and closes it again.
“I’ll tell you why you’re fucking upset, Sugar.” I take two steps towards her, invading her personal space. “You’re upset because deep down you fucking know we should be together. You want me. You want to be with ME,” I stab a thumb at my chest. “And you can’t fucking stand seeing me with someone else. It’s eating away at you.” I accuse her. She looks away and then, sighing, looks down at her shoes.
“I know, Quinn, because I feel it too.” I drop my arms to my sides and lower my voice. “I’ll tell you what, I won’t touch any other girl, ever again, if you never touch Erik again.”
“You know I can’t do that, Alex,” her voice is soft, her shoulders sag in defeat. “He’s my boyfriend.”
“Why? Why do you insist on staying with him? You don’t belong together. I can see it, your friends can see it, fuck, the guy at the coffee shop down the road can see it. Why can’t you?”
“Because I owe it to him!” Her voice is loud again, but this time it’s not in anger. This time it sounds more like she’s pleading with me to understand. “He was there when I had nobody else. My first love, my first everything,” I close my eyes against her words. “I owe it to him,” she stops again, and then, choosing her words carefully, she starts again. “I owe it to us to at least give this my best shot and not just give up because it’s strange between us now.”
I consider her words. I can’t argue. If the situation were reversed I would have wanted her to fight for me too. Quinn is kind, and thoughtful, honest, and she would never dream of callously hurting someone for the fuck of it. It’s what makes her, her, and it’s one of the reasons I’ve grown to admire her so much. And even though this kills me, I can’t ask her to change.
“Can’t you just be my friend, Alex, please?” I look into her eyes, they’re pleading with me.
“Friend,” I repeat the word and place my hands on my hips. I look to the side to get away from those eyes and run my teeth over my bottom lip. “Okay,” I nod at her. “I’ll be your friend, but you can’t rub Erik in my face. I’ll back off and let you do what you need to, but I don’t want to see him all over you. I can’t handle that, Queen Bee.”
She gives me a soft smile as we stand there awkwardly, neither of us sure what to do next.
“Why did you come looking for me?” I ask when it dawns on me I never got an answer.
“It doesn’t matter now,” she waves a hand in front of her face. “I should probably get going. I have a class soon.”
“Tell me, Quinn.” She fidgets uncomfortably, pulling the sleeve of her jacket over her hand.
“I… after yesterday… I wanted to… I don’t know… I…”
“You’re going to miss your class if you don’t get it out soon, Sugar.” I smile down at her.
“After how you left…” She takes a breath and rolls her eyes at herself. “I wanted to check on you. Make sure you were okay, that we were okay. And I wanted to tell you that you don’t need to be the subject of my assignment anymore. I mean, if it’s too weird now. And I can find someone else or just research someone online and…” She’s fucking adorable when she’s nervous.
“I’ll do it.” She looks up at me, surprised.
“Alex, I really don’t expect you to...”
“Babe,” I hold a hand up to stop her rambling. “I said I’d do it. We’re friends now, right?” I ignore the fact that I nearly choked on the word and hold out a hand for her to shake. A massive smile spreads across her face, and I nearly fall on my ass when she jumps on me in a massive hug.
“Thank you, Alex. You don’t know how much you’re saving my ass.” I close my eyes and savor the feel of her against me.
“You’ll be fine without me, huh?” I smirk down at her. “Get to class, you’re going to be late.” And I need to get away from you before I forget everything I just said and do something stupid.