Quinn
The frat is packed; there’s a party here almost every day with all this loud music and drunk bumping bodies. I sigh. I wanted some peace and quiet.
“Where are you going?” Erik pulls me back by my wrist. He’s already gotten a red cup in his hands.
“I am going up to your room,” I say.
“Are we okay?” he asks, nuzzling into my neck. I know he’s asking me about the race thing. He’s been trying to make sure I’m not angry at him ever since we left the race that night. I’m angry, but I don’t want to fight with him.
“Let’s not talk about this now, Erik. I’m tired and want to have some peace.”
He nods, looking relieved, probably because we won’t fight.
I pass wasted people on the way up and look down at Erik from the first floor; he’s already surrounded by people. He has a whole tribe here it seems; he is not the same boy that acts like his world revolves around me, only focused on me. But I know that’s normal. Time passes, and people change.
Finally, I reach the top floor where there are only two rooms, and just before I’m about to go into Erik’s room, I hear a muffled scream from the opposite room. I remember Erik saying it’s Alex’s room, and this only piques my interest. I stay put and listen, I hear the same painful screaming again, and my doubts about a possible fuck fest are diminished. This doesn’t sound like anything to do with sex. Before I can stop myself, my feet carry me to his room and I lean toward the door.
“No! Help. It’s dark. Cold. Let me out.” I catch some of his words between his cries. My hand hovers over the doorknob with uncertainty. But with a last painful scream, the room falls into silence. After a few seconds, I hear shuffling noises through the door, and I know he is awake. I quickly hurry into Erik’s room; my heart is beating fast, and his voice rings in my ears. My soul hurts for his sorrow, and I feel responsible like I need to help him.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath to center myself. Alex seems like a laid back, relaxed guy but the agonizing screams I heard moments ago tell a different story. Questions start running through my mind like crazy. I can’t stop the curiosity in me, call it a job hazard or personality defect, but all I can think about is finding out about his demons.
Shaking my head, I get into the shower to distract myself. The warm water silences my mind for a while, but as soon as I get into the bed my mind races with questions again. Finally, an hour later, I let myself fall into the arms of sleep.
***
“Class dismissed,” Professor Preston announces.
I grab my book and purse to leave when I hear him call my name.
“Quinn, can I have a word with you?” I walk toward him, confused as to what he may want to talk to me about. Did I do something wrong?
“You know that I’m the head of this department and I heard about you wanting to be an assistant during your studies. Is that right?”
I nod frantically. “Yes, Professor. I was asking around to find out if I had a shot at a position.”
“Well, I checked your student file and read the essays you put in with your application, and I’d like to consider you for the position. I have to admit that I’m very impressed with your passion for psychology. Your way of seeing things are fresh and interesting. So, I decided to give you a chance to prove yourself to me. If you manage to show that same success in this as your former works you can be my assistant for this year.”
I can’t believe what I am hearing. Professor Preston is known for his perfectionism, and here he is telling me that he’s willing to give me a chance.
“Thank you for the opportunity, Professor Preston. You can be sure I will work my hardest on whatever topic you give me.”
“I’m counting on that, Quinn. Your essay will be about someone troubled. I want you to write about your understanding of the mindset of that type of person. Their fears, the effects these troubles have on their everyday lives, their backstories, and the way that all of these things shaped their lives. I want a detailed profile. You can decide on the way you want to gather the information. It can be an interview or based on research.” He explains
I swallow my nerves and excitement before saying “Okay, Professor. I understand”
“Good. You have a month. Impress me, Quinn.”
“Yes, Sir,” I murmur and walk out of the class.
Understanding the mind of someone troubled, I think to myself as I walk to the coffee shop. My mind immediately goes to Alex. If the voices I heard last night are any indication, he is definitely troubled. I wonder if I can ask him about it, but how do you even start that conversation? How can I let him know that I heard his nightmares?
I suddenly start to worry. Alex is my only option. There is no way that I can impress Mr. Preston with just research on a subject like this. The topic he gave me is personal; it needs more than a few textbooks and a few clicks on google.
Making up my mind I head toward the frat house, hoping Alex will be there. Just when I reach the top floor my phone rings in my jean pocket.
It’s a reminder alarm, letting me know that my mother has a check-up tomorrow morning. Dammit! I forgot to tell Erik about it because Noah was going to take me home but now that his bike needs to be fixed that option isn’t possible.
“Erik,” I call out as I walk through the hall, not caring if anyone else will hear me. I’m panicked. I bang the door, and can’t find the key in my bag with the fear of not being with my mom in time.
“What the hell, Quinn? What are you banging on my door like a mad woman for?” Erik yells. Seems like I woke him up and he’s always grumpy when he just wakes up.
“Can you take me to mom’s?” I ask
“What? Why? When?”
“She has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. She must be nervous already. I need to be with her.” I can’t imagine how anxious she must be.
“There is a meeting I have to attend tonight, Quinn. I’m the president of this frat, and I’m running the races. I can’t just leave everything without some notice. You should have let me know earlier,” he says.
I hear him, but I’m not sure I understand what he’s talking about. “Will you take me there or not?” I snap.
He rubs the back of his head, looking troubled. “I can’t. I’m so sorry, baby but I really have to be here. Maybe you can take the bus?”
“You know better than me that the last bus to home was an hour ago.”
“Okay, then maybe you can leave in the morning?’ he offers
I huff. “Will you be able to come with me in the morning?” I could totally use some moral support myself.
He rubs the back of his head, and I get my answer even before he says, “I don’t think so.”
“I’ll take you.” I hear a familiar voice say behind me.
I turn to face the source of the voice, and it belongs to none other than Alex.
“Alex, you’re the VP. You need to be at the meeting too,” Erik says, but Alex doesn’t even take his eyes away from me as he answers him. “That stupid meeting can go fuck itself. I have more important things to do.”
I feel the warmth radiating to my cheeks, but more importantly, I feel the warmth around my heart. I feel grateful to him.
Erik holds my face in his hands, resting his forehead against me. “I’m really so, so sorry, baby. Just let me make a few phone calls, maybe I can arrange something,” he whispers.
I smile at him, even though him choosing frat house over me hurts me.
“It’s okay. I don’t want to cause trouble for you. I can go with Alex since he volunteered to give me a ride,” I say.
“I can give you a ride whenever you want, Quinn,” Alex says behind me. His voice is full of mischief.
“Quinn,” Erik starts to protest, but I shake my head, walking closer to Alex.
“But,” Erik starts again, and Alex shoots him a glare that stops him.
“Wanna hit the road now or do you need to stop by somewhere?” Alex asks me, and I walk closer to him. I want to get out of here, away from Erik because his excuses hurt me even though I know I should have let him know earlier.
“I need to go to my apartment to grab a few things before hitting the road.”
Alex grabs my hand and pulls me toward the stairs. Even though I can feel Erik’s stare at my back, I don’t look back at him.
We walk down the stairs in silence, hand in hand with Alex, and I feel confused but grateful. His big hand swallows mine and warmth radiate through his touch. His palm is rough with callouses, the complete opposite of Erik’s. He opens the door and lets me inside his truck. I’m still trying to understand why this feels so familiar and comfortable like we do this all the time, even though I have never been in his truck.
I give him directions to my apartment, and he comes up with me to help without making it awkward. I grab a small bag as he stands next to me all the time and even though it’s not heavy, he insists on carrying it for me.
I’m shocked at how silent and supportive he is. Since the first day we met, he’s always talked a lot, made jokes, and flirted with me but since we left the frat house, he has been strangely serious and only asking questions when necessary. It feels good that he is taking my worries seriously.
“Thank you,” I murmur.
“For what?” he asks, facing me for a second before focusing back on the road
“You didn’t have to drive me home.”
“Why would I miss a chance to spend time with you?” He smirks, but I know this time his words aren’t for flirting with me, this time he’s trying to lighten the mood.
I smile and reach out for his hand before I can stop myself. “Thank you, Alex. It means a lot.”
To my surprise Alex lifts my hand to his lips, giving a chaste kiss. I try to ignore the tingling sensation his lips have left behind, and for some unknown reason, I don’t pull my hand away.
The silence in the truck is peaceful and comforting. Alex’s random circles on the back of my hand gives me a calm feeling I can’t explain.
“Is your mom okay?” he asks after a while, probably after gathering some courage to ask the question.
“Yes. She’s been cancer-free for a year, but I still get nervous every time we go to the hospital.”
“It’s normal. I’m sure it was very hard for you to watch her suffer.”
I look up at him, seeing him in a different light. Where is the goofy guy who makes silly jokes to flirt with me at every chance he gets? And who is this guy that talks to me with understanding and compassion for my hard times?
“It was,” I answer. “It’s just my mom and me, and I didn’t know what to do to help her. She was in pain, and I always felt like a failure when I had nothing to do to ease her pain.” A lump forms in my throat with the memories of that time, so I stop talking.
“What about your dad?” he asks softly.
“He left us. I was a kid when he left the house, and I have never heard from him again.”
“I’m sorry, Quinn,” Alex says
“My mom loved him a lot. I loved my dad a lot, but he preferred someone else over his family. How can a person leave the ones who love him like we did?”
He squeezes my hand but doesn’t say anything, and I’m grateful because there is nothing to explain his actions and nothing to help me forgive him.
“But he gave me a lesson that will last me a lifetime. I will never ever leave someone who loves me, no matter the reason. I can’t cause pain like that to another person because I lived it.“ I stop talking when I feel Alex’s gaze bore into me with an intensity that I have never felt before.
“No matter what the reason is?” he repeats my words.
“Never,” I say with certainty, and something in me shifts when I see his expression turn cold and hurt.
Why is he hurt?
“Are you hungry? We can stop somewhere and grab some food,” he says out of the blue, and the tension in the air lifts slightly.
“Sounds good, yeah.” I murmur. Suddenly feeling the need to get out of this truck. He must feel the same way because as soon as he stops the car, he is out of it.
“What would you like to eat?” He asks when I walk up next to him.
“Whatever you get for yourself is fine with me. I’m not picky.”
I head to the restrooms next to the diner and check my phone to see if I have any messages from Erik. After talking about my dad, I’m not sure if I hurt Erik by leaving with Alex even though I’m still hurt that he chose not to come with me.
There is one missed call and one message from him.
I’m sorry baby. Please let me know when you arrive safely.
My finger hovers over the call button, but I decide against it. Even though I hate being on bad terms with him, I don’t feel like calling him, and I can’t stop feeling that I’m the one who is right in this case.
Shaking my head, I wash my face before going out to meet Alex.
When I see him next to his truck I start laughing; I can’t help it. He’s surrounded by paper bags, and he’s already finishing up one burger. The guy eats like a giant, no wonder he has a physique like that; he must be burning all those calories in the gym.
“Are you going to feed an army?” I ask, still giggling
“Half of it is for me, and you said whatever I get for myself, so here you go.” Smiling, I shake my head.
“Thank you, but one burger will be enough. You didn’t have to buy that much. “
“Don’t worry, I’ll probably eat the ones you don’t,” he says, chuckling. “Wanna keep driving?”
“If your hunger has diminished enough,” I say, amused at the second burger that only lasted a few minutes.
“Get in, Quinn.” He smirks.
I get inside the truck and watch him as I eat my burger. He’s taking bites from his fries as he drives.
“Why don’t you use your other car? Is it only for races?” I ask remembering the blue beast. I can still hear it roar.
“It’s too flashy. When I drive it, everyone looks at me and most are probably judging. I don’t feel comfortable even though I love that car a lot. This old truck just blends in, and I become one of the faceless people, invisible.”
I frown at the honesty dripping from his voice. I have never expected this deep of an answer, not because I thought he was incapable; I noticed that there’s so much more to him. I’m surprised because I wasn’t expecting him to share his thoughts so openly with me, a stranger he only recently met.
He turns to look at me when I don’t answer, “Too much info?” he snorts.
“No, I’m just surprised you willingly shared your thoughts with me.”
“Anything you want to know, Quinn. I may hide myself from others, but I want you to know me. I want you to see the man I am under all the layers, so you can compare your options.”
“Alex…” I trail off. His persistence almost overwhelms me but strangely not in a bad way. “Alex, we talked about this. There won’t be anything between us,” I murmur.
He gives me a sideways glance, a smirk on his face. “Let’s talk about this later.”
I rest my head on the window, I don’t know what else I can say to him, and I don’t even know why he’s so attracted to me.
***
“Quinn.” A whisper and soft shake on my shoulder wakes me up.
I look around. We are still on the road, but we’re close to home now. I can see the high school I went to.
“I need you to give me directions,” Alex says.
Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I guide him until we stop in my mom’s driveway. When we finally reach our destination, I have time to think about important things I didn’t have time to focus on during the drive.
“Do you have to go back to Rhode Island?”
He rubs his neck before answering “No, I don’t have to go back. I was hoping to be with you and your mom tomorrow if you don’t mind.”
I smile. “That would be awesome.”
He beams at me. “Okay, you go be with your mom. I’ll be here.”
“You’re going to stay in the car? No, come inside.”
“No. I don’t want to interfere with your mother-daughter time. Just go, Quinn.”
I don’t like this. He drives me all the way and wants to stay in the truck. This isn’t right.
“Alex, please. Just come inside. Eat one of the cookies Mom made, and if you get bored, then I won’t push you to stay.” I insist, and I don’t miss his eyes brightening at the mention of cookies.
“Am I only allowed to eat just one?”
I laugh at him. “Come on, big boy. She makes a lot of them every day. It’s like a ritual. You can eat as many as you want.”
When we knock on the door, I feel strange. The only guy I’ve ever brought home was Erik, except Noah, but he’s very gay, so that doesn’t count, but now Alex and I are here.
“Quinn, baby girl.” Mom shouts with happiness as she pulls me into a bear hug.
“Mom, I can’t breathe” I tease her.
“Oh, shut up,” She says, I look at her to make sure that she is okay as she pulls away from me. She has put on some weight, and her face has a healthy glow that makes me happy.
“And this handsome young man is…” my mom trails off when she notices Alex.
“Oh… this is Alex, a friend from school.” I tell my mom, but I can see that she isn’t buying it, even though it is the truth.
“Hi Alex, I’m Isla. Nice to meet you. I’m glad that my baby girl has friends who drive her all the way here in the middle of the night.” My mom says with a very heavy undertone.
“Hey, Isla. And even though your daughter insists on only being friends with me, my intentions are much different from hers.” Alex says hugging my mom like their old friends as he makes me blush and uncomfortable with his comment.
“Good luck convincing her, boy,” my mom answers him to my horror.
“Mom!” I protest, but they ignore me as they enter the house.
I shake my head. Mom is already offering Alex a tray of cookies.
I look around the house. Pillows and a blanket are on the couch, so I assume she was just about to sleep.
“Did we wake you up, Mom?”
“I was taking a nap, baby. I wanted to pass the time till we got to the hospital, but now that you’re here I won’t be bored,” she says but I can see that she is tired.
“Tomorrow is a big day, and you’ll be tired, so maybe it’s better if you sleep early,” I offer
“No, I want to get to know this young man over here.” She points to Alex who is busy stuffing his mouth. When we fall silent his focus shifts to us, and he almost blushes.
After swallowing he murmurs, “Um, sorry. They’re delicious.”
“No need to be sorry. I’m glad my cookies are being enjoyed,” Mom says, and Alex coughs before chuckling.
For the next few hours, we talk with a strange familiarity. Mom and Alex get along so well sometimes I feel like I’m the intruder between them. Erik and Mom were never this comfortable with each other.
I scowl to myself as I watch them. I don’t know why I started to compare Erik and Alex. He’s confusing me and messing with my mind with his forwardness.
“Okay young peeps. This old lady needs to go to bed now. You two don’t mind me. Make yourself at home okay?” Mom says, standing up to head toward her room before I can say anything to protest.
As soon as mom closes her door behind her, Alex stands up. “I better head out. You should sleep too.”
“Alex, you can really stay here. We have a guest room.” I tell him, but he shakes his head, heading for the door to go out.
Without knowing what to do, I walk to mom’s room and lay down next to her. “He seems like a great guy,” mom murmurs without opening her eyes.
I huff. “Mom, please. You know I already have a boyfriend.”
“Yes, you have a boyfriend, but he is not here with you. For some reason, you are here with that boy.”
“Mom, it’s not like that. Erik’s been busy, and I had to find another ride.”
“Quinn, you don’t have to explain anything to me. I’m just telling you that just because you are with someone doesn’t mean he is the right one. And someone who was once the right one can become the wrong one over time. People change, my darling.”
“Where’s this inner Yoda coming from?” I snort.
“All those self-help books are rubbing off on me,” she answers, and I laugh, but my mind is already full of questions I don’t know how to answer. Soon, my mother falls asleep as I lay down, watching the ceiling. My thoughts move back to Alex. I wonder if he can sleep, if he is having another nightmare, in the truck, alone and cold.
I sigh and get out of bed before my thoughts get even more dramatic. Preparing two cups of hot chocolate with melted marshmallows, I walk outside into the night.
“No. Dammit. No”
I hurry my steps when I hear him shout. He’s having a nightmare again. I wonder if this is an every night thing. I quickly tap the window, and he wakes up, alert. He relaxes when he sees that it’s me.
“Quinn, what are you doing?” he asks. His voice is raspy with sleep and probably tension from the nightmare.
“I brought you a cup of hot chocolate. A big guy like you must need lots of calories I thought.” I say in a light tone even though my insides crawl with curiosity and concern about his nightmare.
“Get in,” he murmurs with a smile on his face, but there’s still tension radiating through him.
“Another nightmare?” I ask before I stop myself. His hand freezes in the air just before it reaches for the cup.
“How do you know?” he breathes out.
“I heard you before, at the frat.”
“You shouldn’t have heard that,” he says more to himself than me.
“So, you don’t want to talk about it, I guess,” I say
He sits sideways to look at me better. “Do you want to know about it?”
“Yes,” I answer without hesitation
“Why?” he asks. “Why do you want to know about me if you want nothing to do with me?”
I bite my lip, suddenly feeling an urge to hug him and I don’t like this. I don’t understand the strange emotions he pulls from me so easily. “I have two reasons, and both are selfish.”
“Tell me.”
“First – I just want to know. Call it a job hazard or just curiosity, but I want to know about your nightmares and what’s causing them.”
He smiles without humor and asks, “What’s the second reason?”
“I may have gotten an assistant position, but I need to be brilliant at the essay that my professor gave me, and you can help me with your story… if you let me ask you a million questions and completely invade your privacy,” I admit.
“Okay. I’ll ask you a question before I decide to let you use me as your pet project, but you need to answer honestly,” he says with a dead serious expression. His eyes are almost daring me.
I straighten my back before answer, “Okay, ask.”
“Fuck these reasons you gave me. Just answer this, do you care? What was your reaction when you first heard me? Did you pity me or want to comfort me?”
I bite my lip and want to answer him just with half-truth that I cared because it was my job, but I know that won’t be fair to him especially if he’ll let me ask about every detail of his troubles. So, taking a deep breath, I answer, “Yes, I care Alex. I didn’t pity you, but I hurt for you when I heard your cries. I wanted to help you, comfort you. I was broken to realize that happy, goofy, carefree guy I met was actually suffering against his demons.”
I stop when I feel his breath on my face. We’re leaning toward each other, and I can’t remember how to pull back as his hand cradles my cheek.
“I’ll tell you everything you want to know if it gets me more time with you. I won’t miss any chance to be close to you, Quinn,” he whispers and pulls back.
I sigh in relief because I don’t know what would have happened if he wasn’t the one who pulled back.
I take a big sip from my hot chocolate, almost burning my tongue, but I need a distraction from the pull in the air. I want to run away but I don’t know how to do it without making the situation more awkward.
“I have never drunk hot chocolate like this. It’s delicious,” Alex says.
“No? My mom always makes it like this. It’s my favorite thing to drink and my remedy when I’m sick to make me feel better.”
“Your mom’s cool. You must have had a good childhood with her,” he says with longing in his voice, and I consider his words. I don’t know what his story is yet, but even though there was no father figure in my life I was happy with my mom. She was always there and has always been my biggest fan.
“Yeah, you can say that.”
He nods and drinks the rest of his hot chocolate.
“Thank you,” he says, giving the cup back.
“Come on, we’re going inside,” I tell him.
“Quinn, no. Really. I don’t want to scare you or your mom,” he protests, but I’m not letting him spend the night here.
“You’re coming inside, Alex. Better in the house than being here. Come on.” I say and smile when he sighs.
When we get inside, he refuses to sleep in the guest room. “I’ll be more comfortable on the couch.” He insists. I try to convince him otherwise, but I finally give in
“Okay. Do you mind if I do some research here?” I don’t really have to work, but part of me doesn’t want to leave him alone to spend another night alone with his nightmares.
“Not at all,” He says and takes his t-shirt off.
I feel my eyes pop out at the sight of him and his naked chest but my mind short circuits when he unbuckles his belt and drops his jeans.
Alex is standing a foot away from me in only his boxers, my mouth is dry, and I can’t find anything to say.
“I hope you don’t mind me sleeping in my boxers. I don’t have anything else to sleep in,” he says, but the mischievous glint in his eyes lets me know that he’s pretty amused by the situation. Biting my lip, I sigh and focus on my PC to do some research.