Emelie
I was exhausted, functioning on very little sleep. I knew I looked like shit, but at this point I just didn’t care. It was hard to find much that I cared about anymore. The last few years had been a whirlwind, and the more I pushed myself, the deeper I sunk. I was drowning, yet I couldn’t show it.
I stood outside the lab doors and everything inside me said to turn around and leave. He would be in there, and after the fool I’d made of myself in the ER, I couldn’t imagine facing him. But I had to, because this was my life. I pushed and pushed, and refused to be that person I was my freshman year.
The party girl who stayed out late after drinking too much. The girl who ignored her alarm and went back to sleep when she knew she needed to be in class. I had no choice now but to keep moving one foot in front of the other. It wasn’t just my life my wrong choices from here on would affect.
With one last deep breath, I pushed open the door and remained focused on my table. Though I could almost instantly feel his eyes on me, I chose to ignore him.
Seated, facing forward, more tension in my body than I had ever felt before, I jumped when a hand touched my arm. “Sorry,” Clayton whispered from my side. “I just wanted to give you this.”
He reached around me and placed a cup of coffee at my side. For a few silent seconds I stared at the cup in confusion before I looked back over my shoulder at him.
“It’s some of that girlie mocha junk,” he shrugged. “My buddy’s girlfriend said it’d be my best choice.”
“You asked some random stranger what I would like?”
“No, not a random stranger, her name is Blake and she’s badass. A real trooper, that girl. She puts up with a lot of shit from all of us guys.”
“I’m sure she does,” I mumbled and he actually nodded.
“You can’t let her tininess fool you, though, she gives it right back.” He leaned in a little closer. “In fact, it was her fault I shut my dick in the toilet. She actually glued my hands together after I fell asleep.”
I fought against the smile that tugged at my lips. “I like her already.” Anyone who wasn’t afraid to put cocky assholes in their place was my kinda girl.
“Anyway…” He shrugged off our conversation as he stood once more, pointing toward the coffee I’d almost forgotten about. “I told her I wanted to impress a girl, show her I wasn’t a complete ass. She in turn told me to go for the,” he lifted up the cup to read the label, “white chocolate mocha.”
“Well, tell Blake thank you,” I said, turning back around.
“What, no thanks for me?”
“You owed me this, at least.” I picked up the cup and took a sip. I tried not to moan at the yummy taste; it was pure heaven. It was also something I was in desperate need of after the morning I’d had.
“Owed you?”
“Yes.” I continued to stare forward, now holding the warm cup snugly in my hands. I wanted ten of these delicious things lined up before me ready to consume. Oh hell, it was so frickin’ good. “You forced me to deal with your cockiness.”
“Cock?” He chuckled, and I rolled my eyes. “It’s funny you say that word after—” he paused when I held my hand up to stop him from continuing. “Enjoy your drink, Emelie.”
I tried not to shiver as he whispered near my ear before I heard his boots against the tiled floor. Clayton Powell was an asshole; nothing would change that. It couldn’t, I wouldn’t let it. That was a chant I repeated over and over in my mind for the next hour. Every time I looked over my left shoulder I was met with a wink or a smile that made me question the entire verse.
He was bad news, and I knew giving in to him would only leave me broken in the end. In no way, shape, or form would I be left weakened; when I was weak, I made life-altering choices. That was a situation I could never be placed in again. There was too much at stake.
Once the professor started to wrap things up, I hurried to gather my things. The goal was to be up and out of the door before Clayton had the opportunity to catch me.
Plan failed.
“When is your next class?” Once again, my body jerked in reaction to his closeness. “You are always so jumpy.”
“No, I’m not,” I assured him. “You are just always sneaking up on me.”
I started to walk toward the exit and of course, he was right there with me, hurrying along as his big chunky boots beat against the floor. They were like those construction boots guys wore, only his were black, not a light brown color. I came from a life where men wore loafers, or shined shoes. I hated those damned things.
“I was thinking that maybe if you had a long enough break, you’d wanna grab something to eat.” Clayton jogged down the stairs outside the building to catch up with me and now walked at my side. “My treat,” he added as he slouched enough to look me in the face. His height compared to mine made it easy to hide my expressions from him. “I won’t mention anything vulgar or immature.”
“I don’t think you have the power to stop that.” I couldn’t hide my smile. “You open your mouth and it just rolls out so freely.”
“True,” he nodded. “But in my defense, I do live in a house with a bunch of animals. If my ma knew half the shit I did and said, she’d have my ass for sure.”
“Oh yeah?”
“She didn’t raise me and my brother to be the wild boys we are now. But that’s what college is supposed to be, right? Be free and wild, get it all out of your system before real life begins.” He shrugged as he kicked at the ground with his boots.
“For some of us, real life already started,” I mumbled the words, looking away from him. “Listen, I appreciate the offer, really I do, but I have somewhere to be.”
“A boyfriend waiting on you back at your place or something?”
“No, not a boyfriend.” I took a step backward and gripped the strap to my shoulder bag a little tighter. “But there is a boy.” When he squinted and tipped his head to the side in confusion, I didn’t offer an explanation. “See ya around, Clayton.”
Fifteen minutes later I entered my apartment and was immediately surrounded by the sounds of my life. A life I didn’t intend to be living, but now that I had it I wouldn’t change it for the world.
“Mommy.” A loud squeal echoed off the walls of my tiny place. A place that was nothing special, but it was ours. My parents had agreed to pay my rent, but as for Ethan, he was all my responsibility. I understood though; after all, they weren’t the ones who got pregnant; that was me.
I knelt inside the doorway just in time to catch my two-year-old as he leaped into my arms. Bare ass and all, holding a diaper in his hand as he looked back over his shoulder, giggling uncontrollably.
Before I could ask what was happening, my best friend Palmer stepped out of her bedroom, looking as if she’d just exited a war zone.
“He won’t keep his pants on again,” she said in a huff as she walked straight for the refrigerator and grabbed a Coke. “We’ve been through three diapers and I’m gonna be honest with you, I was ten seconds from duct taping the one he’s holding now onto his tiny little butt.”
“I think he does it to test you,” I assured her as I stood up, lifting Ethan into my arms.
“I’m waving the checkered flag here.” She lifted the can to her lips and took a generous drink. “The boy wins.”
I laughed as I tickled my son’s tummy and once again was met with his laughter that I loved so much. Without Palmer, I don’t know how I would have made it through the last few years. She was my roommate my freshman year and from that point on she’d been by my side. She’d seen my darkest days, and never once had she turned her back on me. She was also the one and only person in the room with me when I brought my son into this world. She and I had a bond that would never be broken. She was my girl, my rock, my savior.
My parents paid my rent, but they never said anything about me not having a roommate. Having Palmer here helped with everything else. She paid the utilities and together we shared the rest of the expenses. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t get some financial assistance for Ethan, but that was only until I finished school. It would better our lives; that was my only goal.
“How was class?” she finally asked as she flopped down on the couch and propped her feet up on the ottoman we’d found at a thrift store a few weeks ago. I joined her and placed Ethan on the couch cushion between us.
“It was class.”
I secured his diaper on him and not once did he fight me on it, which triggered an eyeroll from Palmer. “Really, kid?” She ruffled his blond locks just before he hurried off the couch and moved toward his toy box tucked in the corner.
“I know it was class,” she reverted right back to our conversation, “but isn’t it the same class the ER boy shares with you?”
I only nodded my head, staring ahead at Ethan.
“And?”
“And what?” I knew exactly what she was referring to, but it was easier to act as if I didn’t.
“Are you gonna do this to yourself forever?”
“I’m not doing anything.”
“Exactly.” It was my turn to roll my eyes, which was only rewarded with a shove to my shoulder. “You went to a party and got wasted. What took place is still fuzzy, but in the end, you know as well as I do that you were taken advantage of.”
“I don’t know that.” And I didn’t, because I remembered nothing about that night after the first few shots. “I could have said yes.”
“And you also could have said no.”
When I didn’t respond, she continued.
“He’s an asshole, and you know what, he is also the one missing out on a beautiful little boy.” Palmer slid closer to me and placed her arm over my shoulder, pulling me in closer. “You can’t let the events of one night dictate your future. You are an amazing mom, and you work so hard all the time. From the moment your feet hit the floor, Em, you’re doing everything you can to secure your future.”
“I have to.”
“But you also have to live.” I knew what she was referring to, but I wasn’t there yet. The idea of dating terrified me, not only because I had issues with trust, but because of Ethan too. He came first. He always would, and the idea of another person rejecting him only made my heart ache.
“All I’m saying is that you can’t judge every guy out there based on the action of one. It’s not fair to them, and it’s not fair to you.”