Declan

 

It takes a lot to throw me.

And I was thrown.

It took a solid five minutes before I could even think of leaving the damn closet because I was completely out of my element here. I’d seduced dozens of women in my life, and I’d been seduced by just as many. But what just happened here with Kristin was far beyond anything I’d ever experienced.

And it scared the hell out of me.

You’d think I’d be happy, right? I mean, what man wouldn’t be over the freaking moon to have a woman who was all prim and proper one minute and a total sex goddess the next?

Me, that’s who.

I knew almost from the start that there was an attraction between us—hell, I pursued her with single-minded intent. I never wanted to get involved with a woman with a kid, and if anything, Lily was the perfect excuse to keep this simple. Uncomplicated. But now? I don’t particularly feel like I want that anymore.

Quickies in a storage closet are all fine and good, but watching her walk out the door had felt… wrong. I wanted her here with me. I wanted to hold her, kiss her… have more time with her. And even though I knew she had to leave—after all, we couldn’t stay in the supply closet all day—but there was still that element of her running from me that left me feeling a little sick inside.

Shit.

There was no way that I was actually feeling this way. It… it had to be something else. Maybe the fumes from the cleaning products in the closet were messing with my brain because I was so not the guy who was looking for anything more than a good time.

But who was I kidding. I couldn’t keep lying to myself, and I couldn’t keep having this same inner argument either. Something was changing, and it didn’t matter how much I tried to fight it. It was happening.

I was just trying to figure out which argument I was fighting for.

I straightened my clothes and fumbled for the light switch just to get my bearings. No one was in the hallway when Kristin walked out, but I wasn’t stupid enough to think we’d have that kind of luck twice. So I grabbed a box of tissues, some hand sanitizer and some paper towels, and carefully opened the door.

The coast was clear, and I all but ran back to my classroom. Once there, I looked around the room and cursed. Kristin had a valid point earlier. I should have used my time to do some stuff for lesson planning or at least stayed close to the cafeteria to keep an eye on Jessileigh. After all, that was the reason for my even being here.

Not to have hot sex in a storage closet with a fellow teacher.

No matter how much she turned me on.

I dropped my unnecessary supplies on my desk and made my way back to the cafeteria. I needed to remember why I was here. I needed to focus on doing the job I was hired to do. Maybe if I could keep my thoughts out of my pants and get my head on straight, things would be a lot less complicated. I needed to be on alert at all times. Just because Jessileigh’s mom was playing nice right now didn’t mean she was going to continue on that path. And there was no way I’d be able to live with myself if something happened to that little girl while I was off being a screw-up.

Hadn’t I learned that lesson already? Didn’t I know better?

The sad truth was that I had learned it, but there was something about Kristin that was… different. I didn’t feel like I was being a screw-up when I was with her. I didn’t feel like our time together was just casual or for fun. Being with her made me want to be a better person, a better man.

Now I just had to find a way to balance it all out and see if she was interested in maybe a little something more than this casual thing.

***

“No. Absolutely not. You need to stop this right now. I’m not kidding.”

I was driving through town on my way to my hotel after school and decided that I needed to talk to someone. Levi was busy. Sebastian was unavailable.

That was how I ended up with Cole.

“I think you’re overreacting a bit, man,” I said with a nervous chuckle. “Seriously. Relax.”

“Hell no!” he snapped back. “What is it with you guys? Why the hell can’t you just be happy with the way things were… are? I mean, we’ve been over this before, and I’m seriously considering getting a fucking tape recorder and just hitting the play button because it’s getting annoying to have to keep repeating myself.”

He’d lost me. But that was nothing new. Cole had a tendency to ramble on about stuff that none of us remembered. “Refresh my memory. What exactly have you been repeating?”

Cole growled into the phone. “Okay, first it was Levi. I was willing to let that one slide because it’s Harper. They’d known each other for most of their lives, and it was bound to happen. Sebastian? That was just crazy. I know he sort of got thrown together with Ali because he was keeping an eye on her with that case and all that crap, but still. He didn’t have to go and ask her to marry him. And now you.”

“Hey… Whoa. I’m not asking Kristin to marry me,” I said defensively.

“Not yet. But I can tell. I can just fucking tell that it’s not going to be long.”

“You’re wrong,” I mumbled and cursed under my breath. “Look, all I’m saying is that… I just want to spend some time with her.”

“And the kid.”

I nodded. “And Lily. They’re a package deal. I’m just not sure how to interact with kids.”

“Says the first grade teacher,” Cole said with a snicker.

“Grow up. I am the first to admit that I wasn’t the right one for this job, but I was the only one available. I didn’t like it at first, but I’m dealing with it. It’s not like I have a choice. So I’m here, and no one’s been scarred for life.”

“We don’t know that for sure.”

I wanted to argue, but he kind of had a point. “I may not be winning any teacher-of-the-year awards, but I’ve certainly gotten better. I’m following the lesson plan thing about seventy percent of the time, and the principal is making sure that I’m not skipping anything vital. All in all, I’d say that the kids are all right.”

Cole made a noncommittal sound. “If you say so. But that’s not the point. We were talking about you and hot teacher.”

“Kristin. Her name is Kristin.” My teeth were clenched, and I didn’t want to think about the hot flash of rage I felt at anyone talking about Kristin in a derogatory way.

“Okay, whatever. You and Kristin.” He sighed dramatically. “What’s the holdup then? You want to hang out with her, clearly she’s into you, so what’s the problem?”

“She wants casual. She wants a fling—no strings, no commitments. We agreed to that. She hasn’t really been involved with anyone since her husband died, and she sort of sees me as a safe way to have some fun without it getting too serious.”

“Why does she think that?”

“Seriously? Look at me. I’m the poster boy for having a good time with no strings attached.”

“Okay, wow. Thinking a little highly of yourself there, aren’t you?”

“I didn’t mean it like it’s a good thing,” I said, feeling more than a little exhausted with this conversation. Why couldn’t Levi or Seb been available? “Let’s just say that I’m not the white-picket-fence type of guy. I never wanted to be. Having fun, flirting? That’s me.”

“Obviously it’s not anymore, or we wouldn’t be having this fucking stupid conversation.”

That was it. Cole didn’t understand. Hell, I’m not even sure that I understood what I was feeling. “You know what? Forget that I called. It’s nothing. I’ll handle it.”

“All right, all right. Get your panties out of their knot.”

“They’re not…”

“So you admit that you wear panties,” Cole said and then burst out laughing.

It was hard not to join in. “I can’t wait until you hit puberty,” I said after a minute. “You’re an ass.”

“Yeah, but right now I’m the only ass available to talk you down from the ledge.”

“I’m not on the ledge.” Much. “I just needed to bounce these thoughts off someone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be on this case or how much time I have with Kristin. I’m afraid that I’m going to come on too strong and scare her off or that I’ll do something stupid with the kid and ruin everything.”

“It seems to me like you’ve bonded with the kid. From everything you’ve told me, Lily has your back.”

I couldn’t help but smile. Lily had actually been a lifesaver in the classroom. Not just with Jessileigh, but with me too. Whenever I was struggling with keeping things on task or trying to remember where we were supposed to be and when, Lily was there to offer her two cents and her input. I resented it at first, and then I realized what an asset she was.

Besides being a great kid.

“She does,” I finally said. “But… it’s a big responsibility—you know, it’s not like I’d just be dating Kristin. If things didn’t work out, I’d have invested time in a relationship with Lily too. The kid’s already lost her father. I’m not sure how she’d react to having another man disappear from her life.”

“Shit. I hadn’t really thought of it like that.” He paused. “And tell me again why you can’t just keep it casual with the mom?”

“Because I don’t want to. I’m not digging the sneaking around while Lily’s with her grandparents or sex in a supply closet thing anymore. Actually, I’m feeling a bit… used.”

A hearty laugh escaped from Cole’s mouth, and I wanted to strangle him. “Dude, you did not just say that! You’re feeling used? You?”

“Can you just be serious? For a fucking minute?” I yelled. “Damn it! I’m really struggling here, and you laughing at me isn’t helping at all!”

Cole instantly sobered. “Okay, you want help? Here it is. You’re moving pretty fast here. You’re not used to not being in control in a relationship. Even in your most casual of hookups, you called the shots. It seems to me like you’re spending a lot of time waiting on Kristin and taking your cues from her. And unfortunately, that’s what you’re going to have to continue to do. You don’t want to mess up her life or Lily’s. If you want to know where you stand? You’re going to have to talk to her. Instead of getting naked with her next time, talk to her. Get to know her a little more and feel her out—not up.” He chuckled. “Sorry. Last time, I promise.”

I sighed. “You’re right. This is foreign territory to me, and I guess I’m not used to having to be patient—or take my cue from anyone else. I just wish it wasn’t so… complicated.”

“Well, it is. And it may stay like that for a long time. If you’re really serious about this, you’re going to have to learn to be patient. Just talk to her. Make the time to actually talk to her so maybe she doesn’t feel like she’s just a fling or booty call to you.”

“Okay, can you stop saying booty call? It just sounds… wrong.”

Cole chuckled. “You are so screwed.”

I gave a mirthless laugh. “Yeah. I know.”

***

The next two days at school were hectic. We had to spend a lot more time working on the Christmas pageant, and thankfully, Chuck took pity on me and had one of the music teacher assistants come and work with my class instead of me doing it. Don’t get me wrong, I still had to be there and do some stuff on my own with the kids, but the majority of the preparations were done by the music teacher.

Dodged that bullet.

I hardly saw Kristin. She seemed a little more distracted than usual, and whenever I got within a few feet of her, there was always someone close by who needed her attention.

I needed her attention, dammit.

Lily must have noticed because she came up to me with a big smile on her face. “What’s up, Lil?” I asked. I probably shouldn’t have been so informal with her, but it just slipped out.

“You’re smiling at my mom,” she said, almost singing the statement.

“What? No. No, I’m not.” Maybe I was being a little defensive.

“It’s okay,” she said lightly as she started to hop from one foot to the other. If anything, her smile seemed to grow. “She smiles when she watches you too.”

“Really?” And now I sounded a little too hopeful.

She nodded. “Uh-huh.”

So many questions began to form in my mind.

“I like seeing her smile. It makes me happy,” Lily said, still hopping.

“What do you…” But the kid had skipped off. Was I desperate enough that I was going to ask a six-year-old for relationship advice?

Maybe.

By the time I looked back across the room, Kristin and her class were walking out of the auditorium. She looked back, and our eyes met, and all I wanted to do was walk over to her and kiss her and just ask how her day was going.

To quote Cole, I was so screwed.

***

I had the kids lined up at the end of the day like I always did, with Jess and me at the back of the line. The first bell rang, and my little bus riders walked out of the room, playing follow the leader out and down the hall. We waited quietly for the second bell for the carpool kids.

I felt uneasy. It wasn’t something I could pinpoint and put my finger on, but it was like that sixth sense you get when you know something’s going to happen. The last time I remember feeling that way was that fateful day in the dessert.

The day we lost Gavin.

I had been distracted by the feeling, but I wasn’t going to let that happen today. Reaching down, I took Jessileigh’s hand in mine. She looked up at me, her eyes huge, and it was as if she sensed something too. Doing my best to relax and reassure her that everything was fine, I smiled. “Any plans for after school today, Jess?” I asked.

She had finally relaxed with me calling her that. “Daddy said that we were going to go horseback riding if it wasn’t too cold.”

I chuckled. The kid was bundled up in a hat, coat, scarf, and mittens. Chances were there wasn’t going to be riding of any kind today. “And what if it is too cold? What’s the plan after that?”

She shrugged. “Hot chocolate and coloring.”

“That sounds like a great way to spend the afternoon, if you ask me,” I said.

“Really? You like coloring?”

I nodded my head. “And hot chocolate. It’s one of my favorite winter drinks.” I couldn’t help but keep grinning at the look on her face. She seemed very pleased by my response. “I especially like it with the little marshmallows.”

“Me too!” she exclaimed, her entire face lighting up.

“Well, that’s because you’re very smart,” I said.

“Mr. Curtis?” she asked shyly.

“Yeah?”

“Do you… do you think that maybe we can have hot chocolate at our Christmas party?”

It wasn’t quite the question I was expecting. “Of course. I’m sure we can ask one of the moms to make it for us.” Then I noticed that some of the brightness left her angelic face. “What? What’s the matter, Jess?”

She shook her head at first, but I crouched down beside her until she looked at me. “Sometimes… sometimes I wish that my mom was like the other moms.”

I felt like I had been kicked in the gut, and I could have kicked myself to bringing up the subject. The kid didn’t often talk about her family stuff—particularly her mom—but it was clear that it bothered her. “You know, not all moms are alike,” I began diplomatically. “Some moms are great at baking while others don’t even know how. My mom used to make the best spaghetti and meatballs, but she always burned the cookies.”

“Really?” she asked, her eyes going wide again.

I nodded. “Really.”

“But… did she come to your Christmas pageants?”

I shook my head. “We didn’t really have those when I was in school. My mom worked a lot when I was your age, and so she didn’t always get to come to my school stuff. My dad came even less.”

“My daddy always comes to school stuff,” she said, sounding a bit more confident. “And he even has tea parties with me at home.”

An image of my tea party with Lily and Kristin instantly sprang to mind, but I pushed it aside to focus on this important conversation.

“That’s because he’s a good dad and he loves you.”

She smiled. “I think you’re a good dad, Mr. Curtis.”

“Me? Oh, Jess,” I said with a nervous laugh. “I’m not a dad.”

“Lily says that you like her mom and that maybe you would be her dad. I told her that she was lucky. She told me that her real dad died and she was sad. If you became her dad, then she’d have two. One in heaven and one here.” Big blue eyes blinked up at me like this was the most normal conversation in the world.

I thought I was going to be sick. I stood back up and felt a cold sweat begin to cover my entire body as my heart fought to make its way out of my chest. I had no idea how long I stood there until Jess tugged on my hand. “The bell rang. We have to go.”

“Oh… right.” I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. We walked down the long hall toward the front entrance of the school, and yet I felt like I was watching myself do it. Once outside, the cold wind whipped around me.

“There’s Lily! Hi, Lily! I’ll see you tomorrow!” Jessileigh called as she walked with me toward the spot where they usually waited. I didn’t even turn my head to see why Lily was outside. Usually she and Kristin didn’t leave until after all the carpool kids were gone. Then I remembered that it was probably Kristin’s day to have carpool duty.

I scanned the area in search of Mr. Vanderhall’s car. We had talked on the phone last night, and he had mentioned that he was getting worried—Mitzi had been quiet for too long. He had a feeling that with Christmas approaching that she’d try something. I was in total agreement with him on that front. We talked strategy for him and his home security team, and I offered to be around over the holidays if they needed me.

It wasn’t as if I had any plans.

“There’s my dad!” Jess called out and pulled her hand from mine.

“Jess! Wait!” I called as she ran forward. It wasn’t like her to take off like that without me. She knew the drill. We always walked to the car together.

It all happened so fast. One minute I had a clear view of her. The next she was gone. There were screeching tires, and when I saw her again, I saw that it wasn’t Mr. Vanderhall’s car at all. It looked just like it, and that certainly wasn’t her father in the driver’s seat. With nothing more than a quick glance, I was positive that it was Mitzi Vanderhall driving.

“Jess! Stop!” I ran through the small crowd of students and teachers—my only thought was to get to Jessileigh before she got into the wrong car or got hurt. I called her name again, and she finally stopped and turned, but she was already in the middle of the driveway.

The car that she thought was hers swerved around the cars in front of it and sped dangerously fast toward us. I had to act quickly.

Grabbing her, I was about to turn toward the sidewalk. I could hear the car getting closer.

“Declan? What’s—” It was Kristin.

“Take her!” I said and shoved Jessileigh in her direction. “Now!”

The last thing I saw was Kristin’s arms around Jessileigh as she pulled her back.

The last thing I felt was a car slamming into me before everything went black.