Kristin

 

In movies, people always scream immediately when they see something horrifying happen. It’s supposed to be the natural reaction. Not for me though. My throat closes. My eyes blur over. I freeze, unable to think, unable to move, unable to make a sound.

That was exactly what I did when I saw Declan get hit by the car. I was watching, so I saw the whole thing unfold in slow motion. He pushed Jessileigh toward me, and I grabbed her in my arms, holding her tight. The approaching car didn’t stop, and Declan couldn’t get out of the way.

I saw his body jerk at the impact. I heard the squeal of brakes. I saw him get thrown off his feet to land in an awkward heap on the pavement.

Then other people were screaming. Children and a couple of teachers and other parents. And a lot of things were happening all at once. People running forward. The car that had just hit Declan backing up with a violent lurch, scraping the front of another car that was unfortunately close.

Someone was on the phone, calling 911, I assumed. And several people leaned down over where Declan was prone on the ground.

I was a teacher, an authority figure. I should be cool and composed and help everyone else get through this crisis situation.

Plus I knew Declan better than anyone else here.

But I was frozen, my arms still tightly around Jessileigh. Shielding her from the horror unfolding in front of us. And I could do… nothing.

There was a black tidal wave of fear and pain that I was barely holding at bay. If I moved, it might unleash.

“He’s alive,” I heard someone say. I think it was the mother of one of the students. She was a veterinarian, which was probably as close to a doctor as we had available at the moment. “He got knocked out, but he’s breathing, and his vitals feel strong.”

I could suddenly breathe, letting out an exhale in a whoosh. I loosened my arms around Jessileigh, who was crying.

A murmur of relief had followed this announcement, and Jessileigh turned to me through her tears and asked, “Is Mr. Curtis okay?”

“I hope so,” I said, finding my voice again. I took a few ragged breaths. “He’s hurt, but I think he’ll be okay.”

I had no reason to believe this, other than hopeful thinking and the fact that he hadn’t died on impact. But I had to say something, and I was praying it was true.

I heard a familiar whimper and turned around to see Lily running over toward me. I reached out my arm to hug her against me, feeling more myself, able to function again—although I was still shaky and terrified.

And that black tidal wave was still hovering over me, ready to descend at any minute.

I knew far too well how quickly disaster could strike, how tenuous any peace and security really was. When Nick had died, it was with a sudden, devastating blow. No warning. No preparation. Just love ripped out of your life with a violent force.

It wasn’t something that could be lived through twice.

“Is he going to die like Daddy?” Lily whispered, her little hands clinging to my sweater.

I almost choked on the question, on what it implied. “I don’t think so, sweetie. He’s just gotten knocked out. It happens when someone gets hit on the head too hard.”

Lily nodded and looked over at Jessileigh, who was wiping her eyes with her fists. “Are you okay, Jessileigh?” Lily asked.

The other girl nodded as tears streamed down her face. “Mr. Curtis saved me.”

It was true. I had seen it happen. The car must have been driven by the girl’s mother, who was making a desperate ill-advised attempt to snatch her. She’d already screeched out of the parking lot, but maybe the cops would get her now.

Another murmur in the crowd began, starting from those leaning over Declan. “He’s awake,” someone said.

I let out another loud exhale at his news. Maybe he wasn’t hurt too much. Maybe he would be okay.

Maybe it was irrational since I hadn’t really known him for that long. But I didn’t want to think about the world without Declan in it.

“Kristin,” someone called. One of the teachers who was kneeling down next to the veterinarian. “He’s asking for you.”

I swallowed hard and looked for someone to stay with the girls before I would even consider moving. Luckily, Chuck was right there and seemed to know what I was thinking. “Go ahead,” he murmured. “I’ve got them.” We shared a look of understanding before I forced myself to loosen my grip on them.

With a shaky breath, I stumbled over, lowering myself in the space they made for me. My heart was racing, and I felt vaguely sick at how pale Declan looked and at the blood running from his temple to his cheekbone and already matting in his hair.

His eyes were half-opened though, and they landed on me. “Jess?” he asked in barely a croak.

“She’s fine. I had her.” Swallowing hard, I added, “She’s safe.”

This was evidently a relief to him, and I felt a strange wave of affection at how much he was committed to keeping safe whomever was under his care.

Then his expression changed, and his eyes warmed with a look that was unmistakably soft and fond. He was gazing at me that way. “Don’t be scared,” he mumbled, shifting his position in a way that obviously gave him great pain.

He knew me too well.

“I’m fine,” I lied. I was terrified.

He seemed to realize this because his look softened even more. “And don’t… don’t… let them shave off my… hair.”

***

A few hours later, I was in a hospital room with him.

I’m not exactly sure how it happened, really.

The police and ambulance came. They took Declan away, but I had to stay and answer a lot of questions with the others who had seen the incident.

I made sure the Jessileigh was safely with her father—thanks to Chuck’s help and confirmation. My head was spinning with all that was going on around me. Then Lily’s grandparents took Lily home with them since everyone seemed to think I’d want to get right to the hospital to be with Declan.

I don’t know why everyone assumed that since we certainly weren’t a couple. As far as anyone knew, we were simply co-workers.

Co-workers who slept together, but no one else knew about that. But still, everyone acted sweet and concerned with me as if Declan was an important person in my life.

He wasn’t supposed to be.

But there was still that dark tidal wave, waiting to crash over me, drown me. And that shouldn’t be there if Declan was really just a fling.

I went to the hospital though. I had to know that he was okay. They’d already given him a room, and the nurse told me that since he had a concussion, he was allowed to doze off for a few minutes but he shouldn’t be allowed to sleep long. He would have to stay the night just to make sure he was okay. He had a couple of cracked ribs, but otherwise it was just the damage to his head.

His eyes were closed when I entered the room, so I moved carefully, walking over to the chair next to the bed.

They’d shaved a little of his hair, around where the bandage was. He looked paler than normal and strangely young with his eyes closed.

He looked vulnerable. Breakable. Human.

He could die. He almost had.

The thought hurt so much I raised a hand to my chest, trying to pull myself together. I hadn’t quite done it when his eyes suddenly opened.

“Hey, beautiful.”

It amazed me how even in this condition, he was able to come off like he was flirting. It made me smile.

And then it made me want to cry because he looked so…broken.

“I’m okay, Kristin,” he said softly. His voice was still hoarse, but it wasn’t nearly as broken as it had been before the ambulance had arrived.

“I know.” I took a shaky breath, telling myself for the hundredth time that my reaction was absolutely ridiculous.

Declan wasn’t dead.

He was here and he was alive and breathing.

He’d saved a little girl’s life.

I swallowed hard because it wasn’t just that—it wasn’t just the accident or what he’d done that was threatening to overwhelm me. It was how much I was feeling for him. And not just right now, but all the time.

I had to push those feelings aside.

We were just supposed to be casual.

And we weren’t a couple.

He reached out toward me, and recognizing what he wanted, I adjusted my arm so he could take my hand. “It’s just a concussion.”

“And broken ribs.”

“I’ve had broken ribs before. They hurt like hell but aren’t the end of the world.”

I nodded, feeling emotion tightening in my throat again.

His expression went a little serious. “Where’s Lily?” he asked, glancing over toward the door before his eyes returned to my face. He was quieter than normal, without his typical charm. I kind of liked it. It felt more real.

But it was also incredibly unsettling.

“With Nick’s parents. She was upset and wanted to come see you, but I didn’t think it was a good idea until I knew what was happening.”

He nodded. “Tell her she can come visit me later on.” His hand shifted until he was stroking my palm with his thumb. “I’m glad you came though.”

My breath caught in my throat. “Yeah.”

He was looking at me deeply, with an intensity I wasn’t used to. As if he was telling me something with his eyes.

Something I desperately wanted to hear.

And something that caused a rising panic to run through me.

“Kristin,” he murmured.

“Yeah.” My response was brief, a little wobbly. I was holding my breath.

“Is this still a fling?”

“I… I don’t know.”

His lips turned up in a little smile as if he was pleased by my response. I don’t know why—since I didn’t even know what my response meant.

“Come here,” he said.

“What?”

He lifted a hand toward me. “I can’t move much with these damned ribs, so you have to come here.”

I moved closer, so rattled I was pretty much clueless.

He smiled, his full, warm smile. “You need to lean down farther.” When I just stared in confusion, he added, “Damn it, I want to kiss you, and I can’t reach.”

I gave a surprised giggle and leaned down so he could take my head in his hand. Then he lifted his enough to press his mouth against mine.

A shiver of excitement and pleasure and feeling ran through me. I kissed him back, our lips gently brushing against each other.

“That’s better,” he murmured against my mouth.

Smiling, I kissed him again.

I was pretty much completely overwhelmed when a voice from behind me said, “Oops. Bad timing.”

I jerked back and straightened up, my cheeks blazing with embarrassment. When I turned around, I saw two men I’d never seen before, standing in the doorway.

They were both well built and handsome, and they both looked like they could handle themselves really well in a fight. I instinctively knew these must be men who worked with Declan.

“Very bad timing,” Declan said, but he was smiling as he waved them in. “What are you guys doing here?”

“We heard you took a little tumble, so we figured we better hurry down to hold your hand.” The man who was slightly taller and who looked a little less rough smiled at me. “But I see you already have that covered.”

Declan gave his friend a good-natured snarl. “Kristin, these are two of my partners in the company. The smart-ass is Levi, and the silent, glowering one is Cole.”

I shook hands with both men in turn, still feeling flustered and strangely self-conscious. These men were studying me with a kind of amused interest, as if they were both pleased and surprised by my presence.

“Where’s Seb?”

“He couldn’t get away,” Levi said. “But he said to let him know if you were still breathing.”

Declan laughed and then winced when it evidently hurt his ribs.

I could tell his friends had been genuinely concerned and were relieved that he was okay. I could tell that this was the way they interacted with each other, using humor to express affection. But it still made me a little sick to hear the joke about Declan almost dying.

Nick had died. And there wasn’t anything funny about that.

Suddenly I stood up. “I better get back to Lily,” I said, trying to sound natural. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Thanks.” He met my eyes, and there was that expression again. The soft, purposeful, serious one—as if something important was happening. “Bring her by to see me later this evening if you can.”

“Okay.” I suddenly needed to get out of here. Right now. Before I collapsed into an emotional puddle. “It was nice to meet you guys.”

“You too,” Cole said while Levi gave a friendly wave.

I was trembling when I got into the car, and it was a long time before the trembling stopped.

***

After an early supper with her grandparents, I took Lily to the hospital.

She wouldn’t have stopped nagging me if I didn’t, and I thought it was probably better for her to go so she could see for herself that Declan was okay.

I was ridiculously nervous as we got out of the car, though, and even more nervous when we took the elevator up and walked down the hall.

His friends weren’t in the room when we peeked in, and Declan appeared to be asleep.

“Is he sleeping, Mommy?” Lily asked in a stage whisper that echoed all the way down the hall.

Declan turned his head and smiled when he saw us. It was his normal smile. Warm. Heart-stopping. “If I was, I’d be awake now. Come on in, Lily. I’m glad you came.”

Lily’s face broke into a wide grin, and she hurried over to the bed. “Are you feeling okay, Mr. Curtis? Mommy said your head and your ribs were banged up a little.”

“They are. But I’m feeling a lot better already.” Declan’s eyes shifted up to my face for just a minute—his expression almost hungry—before he returned them to rest on Lily’s face.

“I’m glad you’re okay. You were very brave.”

“Do you think so?”

“Yes, sir. You saved Jessileigh. Everyone says so.”

“Everyone, huh?” He gave a huff of amusement. “I was just doing my job.”

“You’re a better teacher than I thought,” Lily admitted soberly. “I’m sorry I thought you weren’t any good.”

He laughed louder this time. “Well, I’m not the best teacher in the world, but I’m glad I got the chance to get to know you.”

“Me too.” Lily nodded and then looked up at my face. “Mommy is too.”

I gave a little, startled gasp at this sentiment, but Declan met my eyes. “I hope she is.”

I felt another wave of panic, that black tidal wave getting a little closer. I cleared my throat. “Lily, what did you do with your picture for Mr. Curtis?”

She pulled a folded piece of construction paper out of her pocket. It was hopelessly wrinkled. “It’s here. But can I go to the bathroom first?”

“Can’t you hold it?” I asked. I suddenly wanted to get out of this room just as soon as possible before something happened that might crush me.

“I don’t think so. I’m sorry, Mommy.”

“That’s okay. You can use Mr. Curtis’s bathroom. Let me just check to make sure it’s okay.”

I walked into the connecting bathroom, and it looked clean and unused, so I helped her with the light and then closed the door.

I returned to the chair next to the bed, feeling anxious and shaky.

“What’s wrong, Kristin?” Declan asked, reaching out for my hand again.

I let him take it because I loved how it felt, no matter how scared it made me. “What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean.” His voice was soft so Lily couldn’t hear in the bathroom. “What are you so worried about?”

I shook my head and started to give a quick dismissal, but I stopped myself. He deserved the truth, so I needed to tell him. “I don’t know. Today was intense. It was scary and overwhelming and… I don’t know. It’s just that everything feels so different now and…”

He was stroking my hand again, maybe because it was the only part of me he could touch. “Everything is different. I think we both know that, Kristin. Neither of us planned this, but you have to know that this isn’t just a casual hook-up.”

The sound of his low, husky voice washed over me, caressing something inside me but at the same time sounding off warning bells.

And the warning bells were too loud to ignore.

I inhaled with a raspy sound. “I know. But I don’t think I can… I don’t know if…”

His brows drew together, and for the first time he looked genuinely worried. “What do you mean? You can’t tell me you don’t feel for me the way I feel for you. We’re in this together.”

“I know.” I turned away. “But today I was… terrified. If anything happened to you…” The emotions were so strong that I took a minute to compose myself before I continued. “I lost a man once. I can’t live through it again. And with your job… It’s just too much of a risk.”

I wasn’t even sure I was making sense, but evidently Declan understood me. His whole body froze tensely, and I saw a flash of something pained in his eyes for just a moment. “I can understand how you’d be afraid, but I’m fine. I’m fine. And how can you turn your back on something that could be so good, just out of fear?”

I almost choked. I had to clear my throat. “Sometimes fear is the strongest thing. Sometimes it just is. I’m so sorry, but I can’t. I can’t even try.” The look on his face was almost enough for me to reconsider, but I knew I couldn’t. “I can’t live through that again. And I can’t do that to my daughter. Lily doesn’t deserve that.”

I was on the edge of tears, but I held myself together because I heard the toilet flush from the bathroom.

“Wash your hands,” I called out.

“I am.” Lily sounded faintly offended.

I turned back to Declan, and now he looked stiff, closed up, as if he’d put up his walls of protection. “You’re wrong, Kristin. What we have is worth fighting for. Saying no to it is wrong.”

“Maybe.” My voice broke even as I said it. “But it’s the only thing I can say.”

Lily came out then, ending the conversation. And I was desperately relieved because it meant we could go. Leave. And getting out of this room was now the most important thing in the world.

I’d hurt Declan. Really bad. I couldn’t stand it.

And I’d hurt myself too.

But the only other option would be to live with that black tidal wave of grief and catastrophe just waiting to strike. I knew I’d only be able to keep it at bay for so long.

And that would be so much worse.

“Give Mr. Curtis your picture, sweetie, and then we have to go.”

“Already?”

“I’m sorry, but Mr. Curtis needs his rest.”

Declan didn’t say anything, but he watched as Lily carefully unfold the wrinkled paper. She straightened it out before she laid it on his stomach.

He stared down at the childish picture.

“This is our class,” Lily explained when he didn’t say anything. She was so sweet and earnest I felt my eyes burning. “This is you. And this is Mommy in the doorway. And this is our Christmas tree. And you see on the chalkboard it says, ‘We are glad you are our teacher, Mr. Curtis.’”

I saw suppressed emotion shuddering on Declan’s face as he gazed down, and his hand was just slightly shaky as he picked the drawing up. “Thank… you,” he managed to say. “It’s perfect.”

Lily’s face relaxed in relief. “I’m glad. I worked on it all afternoon. It’s the best picture I’ve ever done, and I wanted to give it to you.”

It was too much— I was about to crumple, and I couldn’t stand to look any longer at the emotion reined in on Declan’s face.

Or the hope on Lily’s.

“Okay, Lily. That was really sweet to give it to him. Now let’s let Mr. Curtis rest.”

“Can I see him tomorrow?”

There was no way in hell I was going to take her for another visit. I was going to have to do a lot of explaining.

But it couldn’t be now. Not when my whole world was falling apart.

“We’ll see. Say goodbye.”

Lily grabbed Declan’s hand and shook it, evidently thinking this was the most appropriate gesture of farewell at her disposal. Then I took her hand as we walked for the door.

I glanced back at Declan one last time over my shoulder. He was watching me go.

“I’m sorry,” I mouthed, as if that would help at all.

And that was it. Lily and I walked out the door.

To a future that was safe and secure.

And utterly devastating.