Kristin

 

Sometimes making the smart decision hurts like hell.

Sometimes making the smart decision feels like the worst thing you could have done.

This was definitely one of those times.

For more than a week now, I’d been telling and retelling myself that this was for the best, that both Lily and I would end up being devastated again if I chose to have a relationship with a man like Declan. And when he showed up at school, showing a side of himself that few even knew existed, it just twisted the knife in the pain.

But I was going to remain resolute. I wasn’t going to cave, just because everything inside me was screaming to do so.

I was reminding myself yet again that this was for the best as Lily and I drove to the cemetery on Saturday morning where Nick was buried. It was a cold morning, and the car hadn’t yet heated up, so my fingers were chilled and my cheeks felt chapped. My eyes ached from crying too much and not sleeping enough.

I glanced back and saw Lily was looking somber and reflective, bundled up in her red coat and hat and staring out the car window.

“What are you thinking about, sweetie?” I asked, worried that this was harder on her than it should have been. It was my fault. I should have been smarter from the beginning.

“I think Daddy would have liked his flowers,” she said, meeting my eyes in the rearview mirror. She held in her lap a bundle of bright yellow daisies.

“Yes, I’m sure he would have.”

“Can we go see him again on Christmas? And bring him Christmas flowers?”

My throat ached that she had to go through such a loss so young. “Of course we can. We can see him whenever you like.”

“I would like to see him on Christmas morning,” she said with a little nod. “After we open presents.”

“After the presents it is.”

This idea seemed to please her, and she turned to stare back out the window. It took fifteen minutes to reach the cemetery, and she didn’t say anything else the whole time.

When we arrived, I took her hand as we walked toward Nick’s grave.

Lily carefully laid the flowers next to the headstone. “These are for you, Daddy,” she said. “I picked out yellow because it’s a happy color and I hope you’re happy. I bet heaven has a lot of yellow flowers.”

My eyes burned as I thought about how much Nick had loved Lily and how little time he’d gotten to spend with her. The unfairness of it all hit me again and made me ache.

She turned suddenly to look at me over her shoulder. “Daddy wants us to be happy too, right?”

“Of course he does, baby. Of course he does.”

The words settled on me strangely, although they weren’t a new thought or a particularly profound one. But I felt them in my chest as Lily turned back to face Nick’s headstone.

Lily began to talk to her father again, as she always did, filling him in on various things that had happened since our last visit. She talked about Mrs. O’Brien and how well she’d been doing in math. She talked about Jessileigh and how much nicer she was than she’d originally thought.

Then she told him about Mr. Curtis and how, at first, she didn’t think he was a good teacher, but he was better than she’d thought. And how he’d saved Jessileigh. And how he liked Mommy. And how he had the nicest laugh that made other people laugh too. And that he was the best Mad Hatter to have at a tea party.

My eyes burned again as I listened, but I didn’t try to stop her. It wouldn’t be right to keep her from working through the things in her life, especially something that had had such a big impact.

“Mommy says we won’t see him anymore, and she’s sad about it, but she pretends not to be.”

“Lily—” I broke off the automatic comment since I had no idea what to say.

Lily had paused for me to continue, but when I didn’t, she focused again on her father. “I miss him now too. I miss both you and him.”

So my throat was aching again now, and it kept aching as Lily finished her conversation with her father and took my hand to show she was ready to leave.

I kissed my fingertips and leaned down to press them onto the cold gravestone, desperately wishing that, for once, life could be easy and simple.

It just never was.

We walked back to the car in silence, and I hugged and kissed Lily before she got into her seat.

When I started the car and put it into drive, Lily said in that seemingly random way she had, “I’m glad we knew Daddy. Even if we didn’t have him very long.”

For just a moment my vision darkened, and when it returned, it was with the kind of blinding revelation that sometimes hits you out of the blue.

She was right. My ever-intuitive six-year old was right.

Having Nick was worth it—for however short a time we were given him. I wouldn’t trade that time we had together for anything in the world. None of us are guaranteed forever, let alone tomorrow. We need to make the most of the time that we have right now.

By the time we’d reached the house again, I knew exactly what we needed to do.

***

On Monday afternoon, I was so anxious and exhilarated, at the same time, I could barely focus on the last class block. I’d planned everything out to the last detail, but I couldn’t be absolutely sure of the outcome.

I’d hurt Declan. I knew that. And he might have decided his interest in me just wasn’t worth the trouble.

I had a lot of baggage that would always complicate a relationship.

But I knew I needed to try, so I sat in Chuck’s office after school had ended, trying to breathe slowly and not get too worked up about what was about to happen.

After several minutes of waiting, I heard voices outside of the mostly closed office door.

“This is ridiculous, Chuck,” Declan said with just a hint of annoyance. “I’m not a teacher anymore. I can’t be summoned to a meeting like this.”

“I know, and I appreciate you coming. One of the parents from your class was very insistent that she meet with you. She wouldn’t stop nagging until I made an appointment, and I, of course, wasn’t about to give out your personal information to her. This seemed like the best option.”

“Okay, but if she just called me in to yell at me, then I’m out of here.”

“I’m sure she’s prepared to be reasonable. Just listen to what she says.”

I almost smiled at how well Chuck was handling it. I’d had to ask him to do this for me as a favor, but he’d been very willing—evidently realizing the real situation and thinking it was rather amusing.

I didn’t think it was amusing. Or not much. I mostly just wanted it over with.

Maybe Declan would say he didn’t want to see me again after everything that had happened, everything I had put him through, but I had to at least try.

The office door opened then, and Declan was standing in the doorway. He looked as handsome as ever but too tired.

My heart gave a little skip at the sight of him.

He jerked to a halt and stood frozen as he processed my presence. His eyes looked slightly dazed as he stared, as if he couldn’t quite believe it was me.

I stood up. “Hi,” I said rather stupidly.

He opened his mouth and then shut it again.

I glanced over his shoulder at Chuck. “Thanks, Chuck,” I said with a little smile.

He winked and closed the office door behind Declan.

“You’re the parent,” Declan said at last.

“I’m the parent.”

“And you’re not here to yell at me about being a crap teacher.” Realization was starting to wash over his face, and something started to smolder in its place.

“You weren’t a crap teacher.”

He gave me a significant look.

“Okay, you weren’t the best teacher ever, but you did okay. And I’m not here to yell at you.”

“Then why are you here?” He stepped forward and started to reach out toward me before he stopped himself.

I reached out and took his hand instead. “I’m here because I changed my mind.”

“You changed…”

“…my mind.”

He froze for just a moment. “About…”

“About us. Everything.”

His tight expression suddenly relaxed, and I let out my pent breath with a whoosh since I could see the answer on his face, in the wash of something akin to joy.

“If you still want me,” I added when he didn’t say anything.

He made a choked sound and took my face in both his hands. “Of course I still want you. I’ll always want you. I’ve been miserable. I thought it was your final answer and I’d have to spend my life without you.” His eyes scanned my face. “I didn’t want to spend my life without you. Without Lily.”

I couldn’t seem to stop smiling. “I thought it was my final answer too, but I was wrong. It was wrong not to take what was offered, just because I was afraid of losing it. I will have a lot to work through. I mean, with your job, I’m going to be… to be overly anxious for a while. But I promise I’ll work on it. I want you as you are, and I’m not going to cut Lily and me off from something so good, just because there’s risk involved. A wise man once told me there’s risk in everything. There’s risk in life. But there are such good things too, and I want to have as much of the good things in life that I can. I want it for Lily and me. And for you.”

I felt kind of stupid after the rambling, earnest speech, but from the expression on Declan’s face, he evidently appreciated it. “I want it for all of us too,” he said. “And I am going to be careful about the kinds of jobs I take. Taking risks just isn’t as easy as it used to, not if I have so much to lose.”

We were both smiling like idiots as he leaned down to kiss me. And the kiss was eager and happy and a little sloppy, but neither of us seemed to care.

When he pulled back, I reached out to hug him, and he wrapped his strong arms around me, holding me so tightly I couldn’t breathe for a moment.

It felt about right to me.

As close to perfect as we could get.

***

We talked for a little while and I realized we’d better give Chuck back his office. When we got up to leave, I texted Nick’s parents so they could bring Lily back to the school. It wasn’t easy explaining to them that I’d met someone. That I was ready to have a future with someone. Luckily, they understood. They wanted me to be happy. Knew that Nick would want me to be happy.

They’d taken her out for donuts with the understanding that, if things went bad with Declan, she’d spend the afternoon with them. But otherwise they’d bring her back to the school.

So Declan and I were standing on the sidewalk as the van pulled up and Lily jumped out, almost before it had come to a complete stop.

She hurled herself at Declan, and he scooped her up in a hug, laughing.

“Are you back?” she asked, her voice muffled by his shirt. “For good this time?”

He was grinning as he put her back on her feet, and I was grinning too. “Yes, I’m back.” And then he looked at me. “For good.”

“Oh, good. Me and Mommy missed you a lot.”

I could see by the look on Declan’s face that that little admission meant the world to him.

“Mommy and I,” I corrected automatically.

“See?” Lily said, beaming. “Mommy and I missed you a lot.”

***

Declan attended the school Christmas pageant.

He was right there in the front row as each of the classes did their thing, and his first grade class sang their song just to him. They were a bit off-key and distracted, and one of the boys pulled the hair of one of the girls and made her cry on stage, but Declan gave them a standing ovation just the same.

It was hard to believe it was the same man, but I knew it was just the real man coming out at last. Declan was at heart a family man who had never had a family.

Until now.

We took Lily out for cupcakes after the pageant, and then he came home with us. Once Lily went to bed that evening, we spent the night together. It was the happiest evening I could remember—the kind I didn’t think I’d be able to have again after Nick died.

And the best thing was I could foresee so many more happy days and nights in the future.

***

On Christmas morning, I woke up with that heavy feeling of joy and anticipation in my gut.

It felt kind of like when I was a kid, when the day was filled with excitements and pleasures untold.

The first thing I saw was Declan, one arm flung up above his head and the covers pushed down to his chest.

I smiled at the sight.

I was still smiling when he mumbled something and blinked a few times, turning his head toward me. “You woke me up,” he said.

“I didn’t say a thing.”

“Your staring woke me up.”

“Well, I can’t do anything about that. You’re just so adorable when you’re sleeping that I couldn’t help myself.”

This comment was rewarded with him rolling on top of me. I giggled and kissed him back. “Merry Christmas,” I murmured against his lips.

“Merry Christmas to you too. I can’t remember the last time I was so excited about Christmas. I can’t wait for you and Lily to open your presents.”

I could tell he meant it. Even having just awakened, his eyes were full of affection and good spirits. It filled me with a kind of awed happiness that a man like Declan was so invested in Lily and me.

“You can give me my present now if you want a head start,” I told him brightly.

He chuckled. “Nice try.”

“You could just tell me what it is, and then I’d still act surprised.”

“Not a chance.”

“You’re kind of mean.”

“And you’re kind of pushy.”

“I guess we deserve each other then.”

“I don’t know if I deserve you,” he said, his expression shifting slightly, “but I’m sure as hell glad that I have you.”

We kissed again—soft and leisurely—until we heard the sound of feet running in the hallway. Declan groaned and rolled off me as Lily called out at the top of her lungs, “I’m awake! I’m awake! It’s Christmas!”

“We’ll be out in a minute,” I called back.

I giggled at Declan’s face. “One of the joys of having a kid.”

His face softened into a smile. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

I was filled with so much feeling and affection that I couldn’t possibly contain it.

“What?” he asked, sitting up and giving me a curious look.

I shook my head.

“What?” he demanded again.

“Nothing. Just that I love you.”

I really couldn’t believe I’d actually said it out loud. Surely it was too soon. I didn’t want to spook him or make him feel trapped.

His expression as he processed the words looked anything but trapped. His face broke into joy. “Good. Because I sure as hell love you too. And it’s going to be for forever.”

“Hurry up!” Lily yelled from outside the door. “It’s time for presents!”

We were both laughing as we got up and put on some more clothes. Then we went out to find Lily and make coffee and waffles before we opened Christmas presents.

As she was looking at the Christmas tree with her mouth full of food, Lily burst out, “Merry Christmas to us!”

Declan and I couldn’t help but agree.