DALE
After dropping Sally off at Clare’s, I showered and dressed, my mind preoccupied. Clare had been pale and weirdly silent when I’d shown up at her door. Part of me wanted it to be because she was jealous, wished I wasn’t going out to meet somebody.
Not that I’d phrased it like that with her, but it was what I planned on.
My heart had started feeling things for Clare I didn’t think I could feel anymore, but I couldn’t handle the risk of starting anything with her.
Fuck.
I ran a shaky hand through my hair and down my cheeks, my stubble tickling my palms. I’d considered shaving, but most women liked the rough edge. I wanted to attract someone.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed, I wondered what it would be like to be with Clare, to try and convince her of doing this relationship thing. I knew practically nothing about her, except the way she could piss me off without even trying. I certainly didn’t want to fight my way through the days just to end up with a roll in the sheets at night.
What I felt for her scared me on a level I couldn’t put into words. With Jacky, I’d known exactly where we stood and had been sure I loved her—still did, if I were being honest with myself. I hadn’t married her because I’d been bored, but because I wanted to spend my life with her.
But with each passing day, I questioned the thing we had, the promise we’d made to each other. When I looked back now, everything seemed different. Her smile appeared forced, not bright. Her eyes no longer shone, but were somewhat dull with fake happiness. One day, she’d stopped reaching out to casually touch me, to place her feet against my leg while I watched TV and she read a book.
When had Jacky and I become two people just sharing a house, and why hadn’t I seen it before? Was I just lying to myself about the past to make me feel better about the future?
God, I was exhausted. Sally’s nightmares had taken on a new level and she was hardly asleep before the screaming started. Guilt about the fact Clare had to deal with that tonight nearly killed me, but I needed to get out.
We’d agreed that I’d pick up Sally in the morning. Maybe I’d manage to drink myself into oblivion to not wake up until noon.
When the doorbell rang, I forced myself to my feet, wondering who the hell would show at eight o’clock on a Friday night.
I opened the door, seeing Clare standing there. Worry shot through my body, which she must have sensed because she lifted her hands in a pacifying gesture.
“Sally’s fine, playing with Lacrosse right now, but I need to talk to you.”
She brushed past me, walking five steps into the hallway, then turned. “Listen, nothing I say now changes the fact that I’ll watch Sally today or any other day. I just…” She rubbed her forehead, her keys jingling in her hand. I was sure she hadn’t locked her doors, she never did, but it seemed that she felt the need to keep her fingers occupied.
There was distress on her face, and she still looked pale. I closed the distance between us. When I reached out, she stepped back, avoiding my hand. “What is it, Clare?”
Her emerald eyes lifted, holding my gaze as she inhaled deeply, as if steeling herself. “There’s no way I saw this coming, Dale, and I don’t think you did, either, but… I’m pregnant. And since I only slept with you, I wanted you to know. I told my doctor we used condoms, but she insists they can sometimes move or have tiny imperfections you don’t see. Trust me, it was not in my plan. However, I realize I should’ve been honest with you weeks ago.”
I would’ve interrupted had I actually found words, but this totally caught me off-guard and my world titled. This couldn’t be happening. It just wasn’t possible.
“More honesty? I’m not sure I can handle it,” I muttered, no longer looking at her. She stepped forward and cupped my cheek, touching my lips with her thumb in a gesture so tender, I wanted to drown in it. Instead, though, I grabbed her wrist.
“I didn’t want our late nights to stop. I wanted them to increase, to change into something more. I don’t know anything about you, other than you’re either an incredible dad or a bitter, lonely man, but I couldn’t care less. I want to get to know you, want to see where this can go. I’ve wanted that since the night you told me we couldn’t do it anymore.”
I coughed out a bitter laugh. “Right, Clare… I’m sure that’s what you wanted back then, not just suddenly because you found out you’re expecting.” I bit back words about not being sure the baby was mine because, hell, I’d never seen her with another man. I didn’t think she was a woman who just went around blackmailing people for no reason. I wanted to lash out, give a voice to my confusion. Thankfully, part of my brain was still working enough to point out I shouldn’t burn bridges while being emotional.
She shook her head, clearly hurt, but obviously determined to not give up so easily. “No, and you know it. I saw the way you looked at me, felt the way you held me that night, Dale. There was more between us. You’re just scared, but that’s okay. So am I.”
“I’m not scared, Clare!” I roared. “What I am is not ready to have a family with another woman. I don’t want another child. You and I don’t even like each other. You’ve tried to hit me with plates more times than I can count, and—”
The angry tears springing into her eyes made me stop abruptly. I’d never seen her truly angry. The coldness of her expression, those full lips drawn into a tight line, her body vibrating with unspoken words… This was a woman who’d literally have your balls.
“You’re a coward, Dale. I have no idea why you are so afraid of admitting that you like me, for fuck’s sake. A guy who didn’t care wouldn’t have come to help me when I was throwing up, and he most certainly wouldn’t have cleaned up after me, but you did. You even came to check on me afterward.”
“I wanted sex.”
She shook her head. “You’re a liar. I just can’t decide if you actually believe what you say or are just trying to make me believe it.”
I didn’t reply, letting her come to her own conclusions. Truth was, I was terrified. I couldn’t go through another birth, another childhood, another family life only to have constant fear I’d lose Clare the same way I’d lost Jacky.
Worse, I couldn’t see myself agreeing to have that child and getting to know Clare—all of her—only to realize she was nothing like I thought.
“You’re not having that baby, are you?”
She blinked slowly, as if I had somehow spoken a foreign language, then she stepped back and crossed her arms in front of her chest.
“I will have that child with or without you, Dale, but should you decide you don’t want any part in it, I will respect that. I won’t ask for child support, and I definitely won’t ask for help or advice. The cards are on the table. Go and enjoy your date or whatever it is you and your friends have planned.”
She shouldered past me, my arm stinging where she’d been rougher than she should’ve been, and the screen door fell shut behind her. I stayed in the hallway for longer than I thought, only startling from my thoughts when my phone buzzed in my pocket.
Cane’s name popped up on the screen and I lifted the phone to my ear. “I’m on my way. Order me two whiskeys. I need them. I’ll see you in a bit.”
“Done deal,” my best friend replied and we hung up.
I called a cab, glad that it was still early enough to get one on a Friday night, and grabbed my keys. Waiting, I couldn’t help but wonder where exactly I’d gone wrong. I thought about the condoms I’d thrown away and if I’d noticed anything weird about them, but I knew that while they were pretty safe protection, nothing was a hundred percent.
God, another baby…
I shook my head, my chest aching. I knew what my mind was saying, wanting me to feel, but my heart sounded so much louder, thudding angrily in my chest. I had no idea what it was trying to tell me, but decided that for the ten-minute ride to the bar, I’d allow myself to imagine what it would be like to be part of Clare’s and the child’s life.
God, it was too easy, seeing myself getting up in the middle of the night because the little one would cry. I’d kiss the side of Clare’s head…
Holy shit, I need to stop this right now.
The problem was, once I’d allowed the first thoughts to seep in, I couldn’t stop more from coming.
I’d seen a few true smiles on Clare’s face and imagined how she’d hold the child, beaming up at me. The way she’d touched me in the hallway had been too tender, too intimate, and I knew she was right.
I’d felt the change in her, in me. I’d been too scared to acknowledge it, so I’d called it off. I wasn’t man enough to admit I was ready to jump in.
I feared what that would imply. Damn, I didn’t even know how to properly court a woman. Yes, we’d fucked, but other than that, we’d never been close. I wanted to take her out on a date, but that wouldn’t happen because I couldn’t trust anyone else to watch Sally.
Hell, what kind of asshole did it make me to expect and trust Clare enough to watch my daughter after what I’d said to her, yet fear she’d screw me over?
I couldn’t wait until that first sip of whiskey hit my lips, hopefully helping me forget my dilemmas for at least one night.
I could always make a decision tomorrow. Or the day after. Or the day after that. After all, Clare had made it clear she was going to have that baby, so I could wait a little longer to think about what my future held.