CLARE
It was hard to not think about being pregnant. It was also hard to not think about the fact that Dale had clearly rejected me. The anger on his face hadn’t taken me by surprise. The fact he expected me to give up this baby had.
I’d wanted one, but not like this, not with someone who wasn’t by my side. I wanted to be a mom for a child who would grow up in a family. I wanted a guy who would be there when I first started doubting myself, who’d hug me and tell me everything would be okay.
Most of all, I’d wanted to be prepared for the news. Condoms had never failed me before, and I was sure I’d have known if it would’ve broken. The excuse of it shifting was bullshit, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t carrying the proof inside me.
Hell, I hadn’t even thought about the possibility because I knew we’d always used one and my sickness had lasted a relatively short time. The only thing that had worried me was missing my period. When I told my doctor that, she’d smiled, run some tests, and here we were.
It was half past two. While Sally slept, I was wide awake because I’d napped with her after she’d woken up at ten, screaming. I listened for every sound, worried she’d wake again. Yet when the screen door screeched and closed softly, I knew Dale hadn’t stuck to the plan of leaving his daughter with me for the night.
Or maybe he’d reconsidered after everything I’d told him.
I stood and met him in the door to the living room. The smell of alcohol hit me before he even stepped close, the soft swaying of his shadow making it obvious he was more drunk than I’d seen before.
“You need to lock your doorssss,” he slurred, and I rolled my eyes.
“Go home. I’ll bring Sally over after we have breakfast and—”
“I’m ssssorry, Clare.” I shook my head. I didn’t want his apology. “I’m ssssorry for what I ssssaid earlier. I don’t know why, but you move me. You couldn’t irk me the way you do if you weren’t sssspecial. I want to be with you, Clare. I ssssaw you making pancakessss in my kitchen.”
I had no idea where that came from, but the hope in his voice was endearing. “Pancakes?”
“In my mind. I could ssssee it. You. Me. Ussss. I want it.”
He reached for me, seeming more sure than I thought possible, and I let him, my treacherous heart ready to forgive him.
“Lemme hold you tonight.”
Oh god, worst idea ever. “You’re drunk, and you’ll regret that come morning. No. Sleep on it and—”
He interrupted me with a kiss that curled my toes and made my heart weep with its sweetness. He held me as if I were breakable, then rested his forehead against mine. “I’m jusssst a little drunk.”
The whiskey on his breath told a different story.
“Dale…”
“Pleasssse, Clare. Jusssst let me hold you through the night. Keep you in my armssss. Pleasssse.”
I wanted it so much, I could already feel his arms wrapped around me, his heart beating under my ear. “No walking out in the morning, Dale. If you do, I’m never letting you back in again. No running after you wake up.” How stupid was I, letting him promise me that when he was intoxicated? However, I hoped, begged, prayed his heart was actually in on the decision and that his mind might catch up in the morning.
“No running.” He pulled me closer again, his lips brushing over my cheek and neck, then he nudged me. “Lead the way.”
We both knew he knew the way, but I stepped aside, telling him I needed to lock the doors first. He smirked.
“I’ll wait.”
There was part of me that wondered if he’d meant it, the holding, or if he’d just been trying to seduce me, but when we reached the bedroom, he took off his pants, socks, and shirt—he was a little unsteady, but still somewhat sexy—and sat down on the bed, drawing me to him after I’d rushed through my nighttime routine.
He gathered me in his lap, kissing my shoulder, whispering my name over and over until I silenced him with my lips on his.
Pushing him back until he was lying down, I nudged him a little, glad when we were under the covers together. He pulled me close, my head resting over his heart just the way I’d imagined it.
“I missssed this…holding a ssssweet-ssssmelling woman, feeling her breathe with me,” he muttered into my hair.
As much as I wanted to stay awake, wanted to soak this up, I couldn’t deny that his beating heart started lulling me to sleep faster than I could imagine.
I felt him brush his fingertips over my arm and through my hair as I started to drift off. The feeling was nice, sweet, and gentle. I was sure he murmured a few things into my hair, too, but I couldn’t make them out.
I was somewhat surprised that he wasn’t asleep yet. I was used to men passing out the moment their heads hit the pillow, but Dale clearly didn’t fall under that category.
“Night,” I muttered, or maybe I only thought that. I had no idea, but the next thing I knew, the sun shone into my bedroom. Smiling, I turned to my side.
No Dale.
I looked around the room. Empty.
For a moment, I was sure I’d only dreamed his presence, but when I turned my head into the pillow he’d slept on, his cologne was unmistakable.
The thought jolted me out of bed. I slipped a robe over my nightie, then checked the guest bedroom. Sally was gone, her bed a mess, almost as if she had to leave it in a rush.
Listening for a second, I only heard silence. My heart beat out of my chest as I made my way down the stairs.
Nothing.
There wasn’t even a note, and I was certain about that because I searched every surface, even walking back to the bedroom to make sure I hadn’t missed anything.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
I couldn’t stop thinking that same word over and over again as I went to the front door. I hesitated, my hand on the knob, then decided against unlocking it. This house no longer had an open-door policy. There weren’t going to be any more second or third chances, no matter how wrong it had been for me to set the ultimatum last night. He’d heard me, and I knew he’d been lucid enough to understand what I said.
I locked the back door, too, knowing Dale had probably taken that route to escape.
Once I made myself some tea and stared at the cookie dough I still had in the fridge, I decided to go back to baking—and let my tears run free.
After today, there’d be no more tears for Dale and the future we would never have.