Chapter 10
Meghan
Waiting for her six-week post-op appointment had been torturous. The first three weeks after surgery had been bad, but nothing held a candle to the three weeks that followed. While Meghan appreciated the fact that Oliver had put his life aside to be there for her when she needed someone, she was losing her mind. He hovered far more than she needed, checking on her nearly every ten minutes. He barely left her alone, opting to go to the store only when she was napping and only leaving the house on the rare occasions he had to go into the office. Meghan was actually surprised he hadn’t started having their groceries delivered so he would only have to leave when his job required it.
She’d been hoping after her last appointment, Oliver would have started going into the office on a regular basis since the doctor was happy with her recovery. Instead, Oliver continued to work from home, wanting to be with her full time until her six-week check-up. Meghan honestly couldn’t remember the last time she was so excited to see the doctor. She crossed her fingers that the news was still good. If it was, she might actually get some of her freedom back. If it wasn’t, she had no idea what would happen.
Meghan felt horrible about feeling the way she did. She knew she should be overjoyed that she had someone in her life that loved her and wanted to take care of her. Part of her was. The other part, the part that had been alone for so long, was eager to be alone again. It was too much having someone in her face all the time, always asking her if she was feeling okay or if she was in pain.
She wasn’t an invalid. If she needed a blanket or a glass of water, she could get up and get it for herself. There hadn’t been any pain in weeks, except for the occasional headache she was pretty sure she was getting from Oliver. She hated herself for being so irritated with him, which just ended up making her more irritated.
The mood swings were ridiculous, but not unexpected. Even after great days like Thanksgiving with Oliver’s family or the surprise trip he’d taken her on to go to the Christmas market in Leavenworth, Meghan ended up feeling down. She remembered depression being a problem the first time around, but this time she often felt like she was suffocating. Between Oliver and the weight of the changes she was going through, not to mention the fact that any day she could get bad news from the doctor, she sometimes didn’t know which way was up.
Every day she had at least one moment where she felt like she was drowning like she wasn’t going to be able to make it through. And every day she hid it from everyone, especially Oliver. From the beginning, Oliver had been her biggest cheerleader. His optimism never faltering, despite the news they had to remove the very essence of what made her a woman. Even though if he stayed with her, he’d never have children of his own. She could never let him know how badly she was struggling with everything and how much his optimism was making it worse for her.
Sighing, Meghan finished getting ready, which was one thing Oliver thankfully let her do on her own. She had her six-week check-up in an hour and she was both dreading it and looking forward to it. There was no doubt that the topic of sex was going to come up in her appointment. It was at this point last time her doctor had given her the okay for sexual activity, not that it mattered much since her boyfriend had already taken off. This time, she knew Oliver was eager for the all clear, even if he played it off.
Meghan knew it had to be difficult for him to lie next to her every night and not be able to touch her the way he really wanted to. Cuddling was no substitute for the hot, dirty sex, they’d had before she got sick. Meghan had tried to make it up to him with weakly offered blowjobs, but Oliver turned her down. The fact that he didn’t want one hadn’t made her feel any better about her situation even though she really had no interest in doing anything sexual. In fact, on more than one of those occasions, she’d ended up silently crying in the bathroom because he’d turned her down. Stupid out of whack hormones.
“Babe, are you almost ready to go? I don’t want you to be late,” Oliver yelled through the closed door.
Before answering, she took one last look at herself in the mirror, taking in the dark circles under her eyes she hadn’t bothered to try and cover up. Her hair, which she hadn’t bothered to wash in nearly a week, was up in a messy bun. Part of her felt bad for not taking the time to make herself presentable, especially given she was getting to keep her hair this time around, but she just didn’t have it in her. The doctor was lucky she’d actually put on clothes and a bra instead of going in her pajamas.
She really needed to get her life together. Deep down she knew it wasn’t healthy to keep all of her feelings in and even worse, hide them from the people who loved her. She just couldn’t help it. She just didn’t care enough to make the effort.
Shaking her head, she forced herself to smile before opening the door to the bedroom she’d been sharing with Oliver. She expected to see him hovering by the door waiting for her to come out. Instead, she could hear him moving around in the kitchen, the squeak of a cupboard opening and shutting, the sound of water running.
He was giving her space, something he’d been giving her all morning if she really thought about it. Instead, she’d been so focused on how much he’d been hovering for the last six weeks; how much he’d been taking care of her while she recovered. Tears filled her eyes as she thought about all of the little things he’d done for her and how he’d rearranged his life for her instead of dropping her like a bad habit the minute things got messy.
“Get it together, Meghan,” she growled at herself as a tear slid down her cheek, followed by a constant flow of others.
The continuous roller coaster ride her hormones were on was obnoxious. It was worse than any PMS she’d ever had in her life. She had no idea how Oliver was handling the crazy that she’d been exuding for weeks and then she remembered she’d been doing a pretty decent job of hiding most of it from him. If he knew, he’d probably send her home, followed closely by divorce papers.
Wiping at her cheeks, she tried to compose herself before walking into the living room. The open concept layout of Oliver’s house would mean he’d see her as soon as she left the hallway that lead to the bedrooms and his office. She knew she could blame the tears on her nerves. They had talked about how scared they both were the night before. Every appointment was nerve-wracking because of the unknown of her disease.
Although the doctor was adamant about her not needing chemo or radiation at the moment, she wondered every day if it wouldn’t have been better to just err on the side of caution and go through with it. Cancer was a tricky bitch, most of the time the cells were hiding in plain sight. But every week they tested her blood and every week her CA-125 numbers were exactly where they were supposed to be. She had to trust that the tests were right, that her scans were right, that the cancer wasn’t living somewhere inside her body waiting to attack her again.
“Meghan…oh hey…are you okay?”
“Sorry,” Meghan said as Oliver pulled her into his arms. “I was just having a moment. You know how much the nerves hit me right before we leave. This time it’s not just an exam and a blood test either. We’re going to get back the PET scan results and I don’t know, I’m just petrified that there’s going to be something there. I just want it to be over, Oliver.”
Meghan burrowed into his hold, getting as close as she could, hoping to draw in some of his strength and confidence. Oliver always knew the right thing to say and do. No matter how down she felt or how aggravated she was that he was always around, Oliver was exactly what she needed to help her get through the worst of what cancer had to offer.
“Everything’s going to be okay, babe. I have a good feeling about today, just like I’ve had a good feeling about every appointment and blood draw since your surgery. The news is going to continue to be good and we’re going to continue to get through this.”
Closing her eyes, Meghan fought back the fresh tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. Even though his optimism grated on her nerves at times, she couldn’t help but hope that Oliver was right. She hoped like hell they were going to be able to make it through to the other side, that this wouldn’t be the end of them; that the cancer and everything that came with it wouldn’t break them in the end.
◆◆◆
“As I suspected, your PET scan came back clean and your blood tests look great.”
“Are you sure, Doc?” Meghan asked. She didn’t want to get her hopes up, afraid the other shoe had to drop sometime.
“Yes, I’m positive, you can see for yourself right here,” Dr. Lund said as he maneuvered his monitor so she could look at it. “All looks well at this point. We’re not out of the woods yet by any means, but this is exactly what I was hoping to see at the six-week post-surgery mark. You’ve healed nicely from the surgery as well. I can confidently clear you for moderate activity, which does include going back to work, but only part-time and if you start to feel lethargic or woozy I want you to let me know immediately.”
“Yes, sir,” Meghan said, feeling more like herself than she had in weeks. The prospect of being able to get out of the house and go back to work, even if only part-time, was a big deal.
“You’ve been through this before, but not quite at this same magnitude, so please listen to your body. You might not be ready to jump back into everything you were doing before the surgery, but you are certainly cleared to,” Dr. Lund said. “Driving is usually difficult because of fatigue, so if you need to have someone continue to chauffeur you around, please do. Or Uber it. Whatever you feel comfortable with.”
“So, it’s fine for Oliver to go back to work then? He’s been staying home with me, but if I’m cleared to go back to work…”
“Part-time…”
“So, if I’m cleared to go back to work part-time, he doesn’t have to watch out for me all the time, right?”
“While it was nice of Oliver to stay home with you, he can also return to work,” the doctor said with a laugh. “Look, I know you guys have been through a lot, especially you Meghan. I am thrilled that you had someone to be there for you this time around. Not that your cousin wasn’t a big help last time, but she didn’t really focus solely on you. I wish everyone had someone like Oliver to go appointments with them, to take notes for them, to advocate for them.”
Meghan felt Oliver squeeze her hand, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. She knew she was lucky to have him in her corner, but it also wasn’t easy worrying about what he saw and how she reacted around him. Things had changed between them the minute the doctor gave her the new diagnosis. They were no longer dating until they could get divorced. Now they were dealing with her disease and Oliver was becoming more and more invested in her life, while she was trying not to become invested in his. She still feared that any day she could get the news the cancer had spread and that she was going to die. She didn’t want him to have to deal with that on top of now dealing with a wife that was going through menopause and couldn’t give him children.
“Your incisions have healed, and everything looks good, so you are cleared for sex as well. Just be mindful of what you’ve gone through. I’d recommend missionary for a while to get used to the changes in your body. Without your ovaries, you’re going to experience vaginal dryness, so I suggest investing in artificial lubrication to make sex a bit easier. You also might experience a condition called vaginal atrophy where your tissues constrict, and your vagina actually gets smaller. If you feel serious pain give me a call, but minor discomfort is normal.”
The last thing she wanted to do was have sex and now her doctor was telling her she would also have to deal with discomfort and vaginal shrinkage. The hits just kept coming, but there was no way she could take sex off the table as long as she wanted to be with Oliver. He might love her, but he would never want a relationship with someone he couldn’t have sex with. Especially not someone who had already taken away other important life moments, like kids and grandkids, even though he said he wasn’t interested in them.
“Is there anything else we should look out for with her recovery? I’m not just talking about sexually,” Oliver said as he squeezed her hand again.
This time Meghan looked up at him. He was smiling brightly, his excitement at hearing good news written all over his face. She knew she was going to give him what he’d been waiting for, even if she wasn’t feeling up to it or had a vagina as dry as the Sahara. The man next to her deserved whatever she could give him in thanks for putting up with her moods, her pain and everything in between.
“I’m going to leave your blood tests at every two weeks. We’ll meet once a month for an exam and to run scans and whatnot and we’ll re-evaluate your situation if any of the tests or scans show anything concerning. Make sure you stop at reception and make your next set of appointments before you leave,” the doctor reminded them. “Other than that, there is one thing I’m going to stress upon again. Please take the time to talk to someone about how you’re feeling Meghan. What you’ve gone through is huge. You’re dealing with a wide array of emotions that no one else can understand, not your friends, not Oliver, not even me. You need to talk to a professional, someone who deals with cancer survivors on a daily basis.”
“I’m fine.”
“I’m sure you think you are, but there may be things you haven’t thought of yet that will end up getting you down. Depression is a serious side effect of the trauma you’ve been through. You need to deal with what you’ve lost and the uncertainty of your future. Here is the list of therapists and support groups I gave you last time. I’ve worked with and highly recommend these doctors. These people know what you’ve been through because many of them have been through it too.”
Oliver took the folder from Dr. Lund’s outstretched hand when she refused to. She didn’t need a shrink or a group of people to tell her how she should feel or what she should do with her feelings. She’d been through this before. She’d been on both sides of the disease, as the one left behind and the one dealing with the invader inside of her body. There wasn’t anything that those people could tell her that she didn’t already know. Cancer fucking sucked and it ruined everything.
◆◆◆
Oliver
“Any interest in binge-watching a few episodes of Game of Thrones tonight before bed?” Oliver asked even though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.
Since the moment they left the doctor’s office Meghan had barely said a word. Every time he tried to engage her in conversation, she’d shrug her shoulders or give him one-word answers. When they’d gotten home, she’d gone straight to their room to take a nap, although he knew she never actually fell asleep. He could hear her quiet sobs through the bedroom door and fought every urge he had to barge in and try to comfort her. It wasn’t what she needed from him or wanted from him at the moment, so instead, he focused on work until it was time to make dinner.
Dinner had been as one-sided an affair as the car ride home had been. After a few minutes of trying to get her to talk, Oliver gave up. She obviously wasn’t in the mood and he didn’t want to upset her any more than she already was. Instead, they ate in silence, the only sound the occasional scrape of a fork against a plate.
Somedays, when she was really bad, it nearly killed him to let her deal with it on her own. He knew she was hurting and not just physically, but he had no idea how to help her since she didn’t seem to want his help or anyone else’s for that matter. Oliver agreed with her doctor that she needed to speak to someone other than him and Brooklyn. She needed someone who knew what she was going through and how to cope with it.
Too bad Meghan was one of the most stubborn people he had ever met. He knew she wasn’t going to go to a counselor or a support group, at least not until she hit rock bottom. Just thinking about her getting that bad made his chest hurt. He already felt like a failure because he couldn’t help the woman he loved, knowing that things would likely get worse for her before they turned around made him sick to his stomach.
“No, I think I’m going to go to bed early.”
Something had changed after her appointment, something Oliver couldn’t quite put his finger on. It should have been a joyous occasion like all of the others. Six weeks cancer-free with clean scans and blood work. Exactly what one would want to hear in their situation. Instead of celebrating like they normally did, she’d been distant and it felt like she was avoiding him, although that was probably in his head.
“Babe, are you okay? I’m here if you want to talk,” he offered as he loaded another dish into the dishwasher.
“I’m fine, just a little tired. I don’t think I’m ready for all of the things the doctor cleared me for today. If I’m this tired after just an appointment, I’m probably not ready to go back to work or anything.”
Now he knew for sure something wasn’t right with her. Meghan had been chomping at the bit to go back to work, even when she got fatigued walking from the bedroom into the living room. She couldn’t wait until the doctor cleared her, even if it was just for part-time and the only thing she could do was sit at the host stand and seat the occasional customer.
Then it hit him. Going back to work wasn’t the only thing she’d gotten the all clear for that afternoon. He sighed, unsure of how to approach the topic, but decided on being as upfront as he possibly could be. Over the last few weeks, he’d read plenty of articles and studies online about dealing with the aftermath of cancer, especially ones like hers that resulted in a hysterectomy. He knew changes were on the way to their sex life and that didn’t matter to him in the slightest. Although he loved sex with her, he’d give it up in a heartbeat because he loved being with her more.
“We’ll take things one step at a time and ease you back into work gradually. I’m sure Gabriel will even let you work one day a week if that’s what it takes. As for the rest of it, there’s no rush. I’m not going anywhere.”
“It’s already been almost two months since we’ve had sex. How can you say there’s no rush? Do you not want me anymore now that I’m damaged goods? Is that why it doesn’t matter? You rarely leave me alone, so I know you aren’t having an affair, but you can’t seriously tell me you don’t need to get off,” Meghan yelled through the tears that were streaming down her face.
Oliver had no idea what the fuck had happened in the last few minutes or how to fix it. He knew her hormones and mood were going to be all over the place, but it was one thing knowing it and another thing seeing it for himself. One of the forums he’d visited had also warned that she might not feel desirable because she was missing vital parts that made her feel like a woman. Of course, he didn’t really understand that since it wasn’t her uterus or ovaries that he was in love with or that made him want to touch her all the time.
“I want nothing more than to make love to you, to spend hours upon hours worshipping your body, showing you how badly I’ve missed being with you, but I’m not going to push you to do something you’re obviously not ready to do. You are more important to me than having my dick stroked. I will wait as long as you need me to before we take that step.”
“What if I’m never ready for that? Will you leave me if I can’t have sex with you?”
Drying his hands on the dish towel next to the sink, he walked over to where she still sat on the other side of the island. Oliver thought he had prepared himself for her insecurity and uncertainty, but he obviously hadn’t. He wasn’t sure what to say or do, but he figured honesty couldn’t hurt.
Pulling her stool around so he could position himself between her legs, he tried to catch her eyes. When she wouldn’t look up at him, he gripped her chin between his thumb and forefinger and lifted her face so she would look at him. He needed her to see that he meant every word he was about to say to her.
“Babe, if we never have sex again for the rest of our lives, I won’t care. We both know sex is great, but it’s not the be all, end all of our relationship.”
“But you’re a guy, you have needs…”
“Well, you have needs too. You may not notice them right now and it may not be the same as it was, but we’ll work it out. Maybe penetration is off the table and its blowies and pussy buffet for the rest of our days, I don’t care. I will take whatever I can get as long as I get you.”
“How can you be so sweet and so crass at the same time?” Meghan asked, a smile gracing her face for the first time since they left her doctor’s office.
“It’s a gift.”
“Well why don’t we take that gift of yours and see what we can do about both of our needs,” Meghan suggested shyly, which Oliver found endearing and a bit strange. She was usually so full of confidence and dominance when it came to sex, seeing her nervous like it was her first time really made him realize how much the surgery had changed her.
Wrapping her arms around his neck, she leaned forward, her lips brushing gently against his. It would have been easy to jump at her offer, but given everything that had just happened, Oliver still wasn’t sure it was what they should be doing. His resolution quickly melted away as Meghan pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. Her tongue tracing along the seam of his lips before she pulled his bottom lip between her teeth so she could nibble on it gently.
Without breaking the kiss, he grabbed onto her hips, lifting her off the stool so he could set her on the counter. It had been too long since they’d made out like they couldn’t get enough of each other. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him closer until his throbbing cock pressed against her core. He was going to have a hell of a time getting rid of his hard-on when she realized she wasn’t ready to take things further.
“Take me to our room, Oliver. Please.”
“I thought you were tired.”
“I wasn’t really, I was just using that as an excuse because I was scared,” she admitted. “But I’m not scared anymore, well not really anyway. I want you to touch me, Oliver. I want you to make love to me. I want to feel you inside me so I can feel some semblance of normal.”
“I don’t want….”
“Just take me to our room and make love to me already, Oliver. We don’t have all night and I have a feeling you’re going to have to work for it a bit.”
With her legs wrapped around his waist and her arms around his neck, he carried her from the kitchen to their bedroom. He placed kisses along the length of her neck and nibbled on her earlobe all while kneading her ass with his hands. Even though he was still worried it was too soon and she wasn’t ready mentally or physically, he couldn’t deny how hard he got the second she was in his arms.
“I picked up some lube the last time I went to the grocery store,” he told her as he set her down on their bed. Not the sexiest bedroom talk, but he wanted her to know he was prepared for the day she was ready, even it that day ended up being sometime in the future.
“Why?” she asked her hands pausing at the bottom of her shirt. For a moment, she seemed uncertain, hesitant, but then the moment passed and she was pulling her shirt over her head.
He followed suit, removing his own shirt before unbuttoning his jeans and pulling down the zipper. “I read online that it would be handy to have around after your surgery.”
“What else did you learn online?” Meghan asked, the sultry tone of her voice making his dick twitch against his boxer briefs.
Oliver smiled down at her while he finished removing his jeans and his socks. Most of what he learned about sex after cancer was definitely not bedroom talk, but there were a few tips he’d read that he knew wouldn’t kill the mood.
“How about you lie back and I’ll show you,” he said as he reached for her panties.
She raised her hips, allowing him to pull the material down her legs. Before he dropped them to the floor he noticed they were nearly dry, which wasn’t that much of a surprise. He knew there would be a difference in how her body reacted. While she was normally soaking wet at just the mention of sex, things had changed. Her body was different, her mindset was different. Oliver knew he was going to have to work hard to show her that just because things had changed a little, didn’t mean their sex life was over.
As she moved up the bed, so her head rested on the pillows, Oliver pushed his boxers over his cock and hips and let them fall down his legs. Climbing onto the bed, he knelt between her legs. Meghan stared up at him, lust in her eyes. For a split second, Oliver thought he saw something else there, something resembling fear, but he wasn’t sure. She seemed to believe she was ready, so he had to believe it too. He knew if he pushed her to wait, she’d think something was wrong with her, no matter what else he said.
Her pussy seemed to call for him, but Oliver had to remind himself this wasn’t about him. Before he could even think about burying himself deep within her, he had to make her realize how good they still were together. Slowly, he caressed her legs. From ankle to knee, to the insides of her thighs, where his fingers just barely brushed against her labia and then back down. Over and over, he lightly massaged her legs with his hands, before positioning himself on his stomach so he could trace the path of his hands with his lips. Up one leg and down the other, repeating over and over with soft glides of his lips and brushes of his tongue.
Meghan wiggled beneath him, her hips bucking slightly each time his lips came close to her core. He could feel the tension within her body as she fought against enjoying what he was doing to her. When Meghan decided she was ready for sex, Oliver knew she was expecting a “wham bam thank you ma’am” moment, one that would prove everything she’d been feeling about having sex after surgery.
Oliver would be damned if he’d let her walk away feeling like they couldn’t work through the change in her body. He would do whatever it took to make sure she realized he was in it for the long haul no matter what, even if sex was off the table for the foreseeable future. He didn’t care about sex, he cared about Meghan…all of her, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to do everything he could to prove to her sex could still be hot as hell between them.
Oliver placed Meghan’s legs over his shoulders, then dragged his cheek along her inner thigh, knowing that the feel of his stubble against her sensitive skin would drive her wild. He duplicated the move against her other thigh as he inhaled her scent. It had been too long since he’d buried his face between her thighs and he couldn’t wait. Gently he parted her lips, then ran his tongue along her slit in one long lick being careful to avoid her clit. He planned on teasing her to the brink before making contact with the sensitive nub.
He continued with the slow leisurely licks occasionally, stopping to nip at her inner thighs. As her breathing ramped up, so did his rhythm. He licked, sucked and touched every inch of her pussy except for the one place he knew she wanted him most. While he ate at her, he reached up to play with her breasts, giving her even more stimulation. She bucked against his mouth as he rolled her nipples between his fingers. He continued to play with her breasts as his tongue delved into her pussy. He couldn’t get enough of her taste, he couldn’t get enough of how her body reacted beneath him. It was almost killing him to hold out on her.
“Come on, Oliver…please suck on my clit. I need you…” Meghan begged.
He looked up at her, their eyes meeting as he continued to fuck her with his tongue. With one hand he tilted her pelvis up to meet his face giving him better leverage. He replaced his tongue with the fingers of his other hand, stroking her pussy like a man possessed. He moved his tongue from one side to the next, then from the bottom of her pretty pink lips until it just barely brushed against her clit.
He repeated the motion a few more times, knowing the hint of what she wanted was going to drive her wild. On the last swipe up, he finally made contact. When he reached her clit, he sucked the swollen nub into his mouth, earning a moan from Meghan that was music to his ears. He could feel her getting close to her orgasm. If the tension in her body hadn’t given her away, the way her body was gripping his fingers would have. He continued playing her body like the fine instrument it was, growling against her clit when her hand gripped his hair hard enough to pull out strands.
“Oh fuck…” Meghan cried out the second her body gave in. “Oh, Oliver…fuck.”
He didn’t let up as she came down from the high. Instead, he kept going knowing he could and would pull another orgasm out of her body. He nipped, licked and sucked on her sensitive clit, while his fingers continued rubbing against her g-spot.
“Stop…oh, I can’t…no more…”
“Yes, you can,” he said, his mouth a mere whisper away from her core.
Oliver went back to proving his point. He sucked her clit back into his mouth, giving it a bit more attention before he went back to licking the lips of her pussy. Within minutes of him alternating his devotion, she was coming apart again, his name on her lips. As she came down a second time, he licked once, twice before placing a gentle kiss on her pelvis.
Slowly, he crawled up her body placing kisses along her stomach. He traced her barely visible scars with his tongue, licked around her breasts, nibbled on her nipples. He lavished attention to every inch of her body until he rested between her legs, his cock a measly few inches from where it desperately wanted to be. No matter how bad he wanted to bury himself inside of her, he still had work to do.
He rocked his body against her clit, his cock grinding against her. The movement was going to be pure torture for him, but he knew she would enjoy the hell out of it. He kissed her, his body moving against hers, one hand fondling her breast. An old-school make-out session like they were teenagers was something he knew would make them both hot. She gripped his ass pulling him down harder against her while her tongue battled his for dominance.
They kissed like it was the last chance they’d ever have to do so until she was once again coming apart at the seams. She cried out his name, begging him to fuck her. Oliver wanted to believe she was sincere, wanted to believe that everything was okay, but there was something in her voice, something he couldn’t pinpoint. It didn’t matter though, he couldn’t stop now, not because he was beyond the point of no return, but because she was. If he stopped now, she’d take it on herself. She’d think it had to do with her physically and not because she was mentally not into what they were doing. Either way, Oliver was in trouble with no good way out of it.
Reaching over to the nightstand, he pulled open the drawer and grabbed the lube he’d bought. He pulled out a condom too but threw it back in the drawer when she told him they didn’t need it. They’d only used them because she couldn’t be on birth control. She’d told him it was because she was allergic, he knew now that wasn’t the truth. They’d have no use for condoms now that she couldn’t get pregnant.
Applying a generous amount of lube to his aching cock, he drizzled lube onto her pussy, using his fingers to spread it around. Pushing two fingers into her, he made sure she was ready before positioning his cock at her entrance. Slowly he entered her. Inch by inch, he watched waiting for her to react. He knew it wasn’t going to be the same for her, but for him, it felt fucking amazing. He’d wanted to be bare inside of her for months, but even his wildest dreams hadn’t prepared him for how amazing it felt with no barriers between them.
As he hit the halfway point, she winced, a barely perceptible moment that most people wouldn’t have noticed. He stopped waiting for her to tell him what to do.
“I’m fine. Please keep going, I need you to fill me, Oliver. Please fuck me,” Meghan begged.
Her words said she wanted him, her body said something else. The same note he’d heard earlier was still present in her voice. The one that told him she wasn’t into what was happening, that she was faking things for his sake. Still, he couldn’t back off, couldn’t call a halt to what they were doing. He had to go through with it, had to make her feel desired and loved, even though she didn’t think she could be, now that her body had changed.
He sank into her further, not stopping again until he was buried to the hilt. He didn’t move again until she prodded him to. He kissed her jaw, her neck, her shoulder. Her legs wrapped around his waist, her heels pulling him into her, she moved against him. Slower than he would have liked, he pulled out, then thrust back in. With each move, Oliver picked up momentum. He kissed her with all of the pent-up feelings and frustrations, with the love that had consumed him, but she barely kissed him back.
It was then he truly knew things weren’t right, but he tried one more thing to see if maybe he was mistaken. As he watched her face, he moved a hand between them to play with her clit. She barely reacted even though he knew her clit was sensitive as hell. Her eyes were squeezed shut as she went through the motions of faking her enjoyment. If he let her, she’d fake an orgasm and call it good, but he wasn’t about to do that.
He stopped his thrusts and pulled out. Sitting back on his knees he looked down at her, a look of shock on her face. Meghan had obviously figured he wouldn’t notice or be so focused on his own pleasure that he wouldn’t care. It hurt that she didn’t know him well enough by now to know that wasn’t the kind of man he was, especially not with her.
“Why are you letting this happen if you aren’t enjoying it?”
“I wanted you to get off too. What’s the big deal?”
“What’s the big deal? Are you serious right now? Whether or not I have an orgasm is not nearly as important as you enjoying what we’re doing here. I don’t want to fuck someone half-assing it. I want to make love to my woman knowing she’s just as into it as I am,” Oliver said.
He was trying hard to hold back his anger, to try to remember what she was going through both mentally and physically. He shouldn’t be mad at her for doing what she thought he wanted and he wasn’t. He was mad at her for thinking he would want her to lie there while he fucked her. He wanted a willing and equal partner in bed, something she was fully aware of. Neither her cancer or surgery changed that. The fact they hadn’t had sex in almost two months didn’t change it either.
“It doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t feel like it used to.”
“The doctor said it might take you awhile to get used to sex again, that your body can and will likely change. Are you not enjoying it because it doesn’t feel the same or are you not enjoying it at all?”
“I don’t know.”
Meghan’s answer was the most honest thing she’d said since they’d gotten back from the doctor. Tears filled her eyes as she tried to cover her body with her hands. Moving out of her way, he let her curl up into a ball as sobs wracked her body. Oliver knew he was going to have to back off and let her work her feelings out on her own. All he could do was make sure she knew they were okay, that they didn’t need to have sex anytime soon. Not until she was really and truly ready. And if she never got to that point, he was okay with that too. As long as he could spend his life with her, he didn’t care.
“This is totally normal. We can work it out. Whether we are having sex or not, I will still love you. I hope you know that.”
“How can any of this be normal?” she asked between sobs, her voice made harsh with emotion.
She looked up at him and it was then he saw it. She was giving up on them. Slowly, but surely, she was letting the cancer defeat her, defeat them and their relationship. As soon as she realized he knew, she bolted. Grabbing her robe from the chair next to the door, she rushed from their bedroom. Oliver hurried to follow her but barely made it out of their room as the door to the guest room slammed shut.
He tried the knob, only to find it locked, which didn’t surprise him. He knocked lightly hoping she would open the door but knew she wouldn’t.
“Come on, Meghan, open up. Let’s talk about this, please. You’re not in this alone. Let me help you.”
He waited outside of the guest room for what felt like forever. He was naked and cold, but it didn’t matter. He just wanted to make sure she was okay. Pressing his ear against the door, he listened for signs she was still awake, but he was fairly certain she’d cried herself to sleep. Not wanting to miss her coming out of the room but knowing he needed to get some sleep himself, he went back to their room and put on sweats and a t-shirt. Grabbing his cell phone, a couple of pillows from his bed and the extra blanket from his closet, he went back to the hallway and made a bed for himself next to the guest room door.
Making sure his alarm clock was set for the next morning, Oliver settled in to try to get some sleep. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to fall asleep with an aching heart. How it was supposed to be okay, when the one person who could make him feel better was locked in a room just as miserable as he was. He’d known deep down that letting her move forward with sex was a bad idea. He should have stopped it no matter how self-conscious it would have made her feel. There was no way she would have felt worse than how they both were feeling after he let it go too far.
Oliver just hoped he hadn’t lost her because he’d made a stupid mistake. He wasn’t sure he could go back to a life without Meghan in it. Sadly, he had a feeling he was going to find out.