Chapter 7
Meghan
“Promise me you’ll let Oliver help you.”
“This isn’t going to be pretty, Brooklyn. Why do you think he’d want to be a part of this? Why would he want to see me broken and sad? I’m going to be in pain, then I’m going to be sad and eventually I’m going to go through menopause because the doctor’s about to take away the last few things that really make me a woman aside from my boobs. I’ve read up on menopause, it’s no joke. My sex drive’s going to change. Hell, it might not even be fun for me anymore. Why would Oliver want to be with someone like that? He’s young, he’s healthy. He could find a woman who can give him kids, who can give him great sex. Someone who can give him everything I can’t.”
“Why don’t you let Oliver be the one to decide this? It’s his life, it should be his decision.”
“Because I know exactly what he’s going to do. He’s a good man. He’s going to stay with me because it’s the right thing to do. Eventually, though he’ll regret it and he’ll resent me. I don’t want that to happen.”
“Or maybe he’ll want to be with you because he loves you and he doesn’t care about the side effects or having kids. What he cares about is you and being with you. Why can’t you see that? Also, your menopause excuse is bullshit. There are plenty of old women out there getting it on every day, menopause be damned. There are drugs that can help with the pain and the sex drive, so you better stop with that crap. I will take you to my grandma’s retirement community so you can see how busy those ladies get. It’s embarrassing to admit, but my grandma’s having more sex than I am these days.”
The entire evening after her appointment, Meghan had been inundated with Brooklyn’s pleas that she involve Oliver in what was happening. She knew her friend was right, but a small piece of her still worried she was making the wrong decision. There were so many better things Oliver could be doing with his life than dealing with her cancer.
Meghan thought about it again as she sat in front of Oliver’s house trying to get up the nerve to go talk to him. She knew she was getting ahead of herself again, but she couldn’t seem to help it. Oliver could surprise her and end up doing exactly what she thought he should and tell her he wanted out. Of course, she knew that was a long shot, but until she got up the nerve to get out of her car and walk up to his door, she had to remember it was a possibility.
Another song came and went on the radio as she tried to pump herself up. He knew she was there; had already sent a text telling her to get her ass inside, but she was still two seconds away from speeding away from his house. It didn’t help that he already knew about the cancer, not all the details, but that damn envelope had given him more information than she had ever planned on giving him.
Her phone vibrated with another text. Picking it up from the console next to her, she smiled when she read the message.
Get your ass in here. It’s gotta be getting cold out there, plus I have wine.
Taking a deep breath, she turned her car off and grabbed her purse from the passenger seat. She was grateful she’d opted to wait until the day after her appointment to go see Oliver. The emotions from the day before had wiped her out to the point of exhaustion, but the 12 hours of sleep she’d gotten after crying herself to sleep had actually been refreshing. If she had gone to see him directly after her appointment like Brooklyn had suggested, she knew things wouldn’t have gone well. Now, she at least felt like she’d be able to get everything out without breaking down into incoherent sobs.
It took her far longer than usual to walk up to his door and knock. She was clear in what she needed to do, but still somehow fear was slowing her down. As soon as he opened the door, she flew into his arms, needing the strength she knew he could give her.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered into his chest, not really caring or knowing if he could hear her.
She held on to him longer than she probably should have, but she couldn’t bring herself to break the hug. His hugs had always been amazing, but in the moment, it was the best damn hug she’d gotten from someone other than her dad. She felt safe, loved. She nearly felt invincible.
“Come on, I’ve got a glass of wine with your name on it in the living room. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about or we don’t have to talk at all. I know this isn’t easy for you, Meghan, but please know I’m here for you. I love you, cancer and all. We can get through this. I know we can.”
She nodded slowly, her head still tight against his chest. Meghan didn’t want to let him go, but she knew they had a lot to go through. Breaking the hug, she looked up at him and was surprised by what she saw in his eyes. It wasn’t pity, it wasn’t anger, it wasn’t any of the things she expected. What she saw was pure unadulterated love, the kind of love she’d always seen in her dad’s eyes when he talked about her mom. The kind of love she’d always hoped to have for herself.
Trying to rein in her emotions, she lowered her gaze to the floor and backed away from him. As he closed the door she walked into the living room, happy to find a glass of red wine on the coffee table and a blanket draped over the arm of the couch. Before he could follow her into the room Meghan was on the couch, the blanket over her legs, the glass of wine in her hands. If she was going to tell him her story, she was going to damn well be comfortable doing it.
The second he sat down on the loveseat across from her, she started. She laid out everything regarding the first time in a clinical manner because it made things easier for her. Even the fact that she’d felt deserted by her friends and ex-boyfriend came out emotionless until she admitted they were the reasons she didn’t want to tell him or Brooklyn about her cancer.
“I know it’s not fair to compare you guys to them, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to lose you guys the way I’d lost them. And I didn’t want to see the pity in your eyes when you found out just how damaged I really am.”
Dragging a hand over his face, Oliver sighed heavily. “Jeezus Meghan. I’m really sorry you had to go through any of that, but you have to know that Brooklyn and I aren’t going anywhere. None of us are going anywhere. We’re in this for the long haul, whatever you have to deal with, I want to hold your hand through all of it.”
With her own sigh, Meghan told him about her new diagnosis and what the plan of attack was.
“No chemo, that’s great news, right? It means they think the cancer’s contained. Sorry, I’ve been reading up a lot on cancer. Of course, it’s all been pretty generic since I didn’t know what kind of cancer you have.”
“Ovarian cancer. It’s rare and usually doesn’t get detected early enough, but I was ridiculous about symptoms after my dad’s cancer. I spent far too much time talking to a nurse friend or going to the doctor wondering if this, that or the other thing was a sign of cancer. Because of that, we caught it early the first time and because I knew what my symptoms were last time, I knew what to look for this time.”
“So, surgery and then we wait and see. That doesn’t seem too bad. I can take time off work to take care of you. Staying here would probably be the best idea since there are no stairs and it’ll be easier for you to get some rest.”
Meghan was bowled over by the fact Oliver was moving full steam ahead with plans for her surgery and recovery. She wasn’t sure he fully grasped what was coming. She wasn’t even sure he fully understood what her surgery meant other than the removal of the cancer. They weren’t just removing the offending tumor, they were removing his chance at being a dad. Assuming he stuck with her for the long haul, anyway.
“Look, that sounds like a great plan, but maybe first we should talk about what all of this means. I know you say you love me and you want to stay married, but do you know what this means? After this surgery, I won’t be able to have children. I will go into early menopause because I won’t have the necessary body parts to make the hormones I need. If it’s anything like last time, I will likely go through a pretty bad depression and some serious mood swings. My cousin nursed me through this the first time and we barely talk now. I don’t want you to hate me and I sure as hell don’t want you to end up resenting me. That would be far more devastating than the cancer coming back ever could be.”
Oliver stared at her for a moment after she finished speaking. She wasn’t sure what he was thinking, but it was killing her that he wasn’t saying anything. When he stood up, she feared it was over and he was going to walk away from her. She hadn’t been prepared for him to sit down next to her on the couch and pull her into his lap. A sob nearly escaped her as she realized he was comforting her instead of running away.
“I’m not going to make you promises that I know you don’t want to hear. I know if I try to, you’ll just tell me I can’t know what’s going to happen in the future. Well, you know what, you can’t know what’s going to happen in the future either. I know you’re worried about how things will work out. I know you’re worried that I’m going to resent spending my life with you when I could be spending it with someone who hasn’t been invaded by cancer, am I right? I also know you’re worried about what’ll happen if you die. You don’t want to leave us all devastated by the loss of you.”
“Damn it,” Meghan said as a way of admittance.
Oliver knew her well. Maybe a little too well for her liking, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. As much as she’d tried to tell herself she didn’t want to get close to someone, that she didn’t want a relationship because of the damn cancer, she was wrong. There was nothing better than knowing Oliver loved her. She had even more to fight for this time than she had the first time around because he loved her.
“Look, no one knows what the future holds. Cancer isn’t the only thing that could take you from me, but we can’t be afraid of everything. What kind of life would we lead if we let the what ifs rule everything? So, what if you die? What if you can’t have kids? I don’t care. I never really wanted kids anyway. I don’t want to let you go. Even if the outcome of this is the worst-case scenario. Even if I end up losing you in the end, I’ll have gotten the chance to be with the woman I love. It wouldn’t have been a mistake to me, it would have been perfect.”
“But…”
“No buts. There are no guarantees in life. All I know is that I love you and want to be with you for better or worse. The rest will work itself out. If sometime down the road we decide we even want kids, then we can talk about adoption. To be honest, I like being the fun uncle but taking care of one of those little germ factories 24/7 for 18 years sounds like torture.”
Meghan laughed, which turned into an ungodly loud snort, which only made her laugh harder. This man, her man, was unbelievable. Smart, funny, sensitive and loving. She wasn’t sure how she got so lucky, especially given the fact that she’d originally sought him out because he was hot as hell and looked like he’d be great in bed. They weren’t supposed to be anything more than fuck buddies, yet here they were on his couch while he comforted her and told her everything she didn’t know she wanted to hear.
Although she still wasn’t 100% sure about their future, Meghan didn’t want to give him up. Drunk marriage and cancer diagnosis aside, the more she thought about Oliver, the more she realized he was what she wanted, consequences be damned. She just hoped she didn’t regret it in the end…or better yet, she hoped he didn’t.
◆◆◆
“So, do either of you have any questions before we get this show on the road?”
Despite having a week to prepare and having gone through it all before, Meghan was still nervous as hell to be wheeled into surgery. So many things could happen while she was under the anesthesia. The sonogram they’d done the day before showed the tumor hadn’t grown and there were no other masses they could see, but she knew the machines didn’t catch everything.
What if it was worse than he thought when he got in there? What if she woke up during surgery again like she apparently had the first time? Of course, she didn’t remember that, but she couldn’t stop thinking about it. The thought of waking up while they were elbows deep inside of her abdomen gave her chills.
“I don’t think so. Meg, do you have any questions?” Oliver asked, breaking her out of her morbid thoughts.
Did she have any questions? Hell yeah, she did. Just not ones the doctor or Oliver would be able to answer. Why was this happening again? Why her? Was all of this going to be for nothing? Would she remain cancer free this time or would it just come back again, but worse? Would they make it through this?
“No…I think I’m just ready to get going.”
“Alright, I’m going to go get things started. The nurse will be in momentarily to bring you back. Meghan,” Dr. Lund paused as he put his hand on hers. “I have a good feeling about this, but you know I won’t make promises I can’t deliver on. We’re going to get through this. I hope everything goes exactly how I’ve planned it, but we won’t know until I get in there.”
“I know Doc. It’s okay. Just do what you have to do.”
“After surgery, you’ll be in a recovery room for a few hours. After that, we’ll move you to your room where Oliver will be able to come see you. I promise you the room is nice, it even has a pull-out couch to sleep on. You’ll probably be able to go home in a day or two depending on how things go. I’ll come see you in the morning and go over what we did and what our plans will be moving forward.”
“Sounds great, Doctor. Thank you.”
Dr. Lund said a few more things to Oliver, but Meghan didn’t hear them. She should’ve probably listened, but she was more worried about keeping her anxiety level down. Surgery was scary, the unknown of what they might find inside of her was even scarier. The more she thought about it all, the harder it was for her to breathe. Instead, she tried to think of things that made her happy.
She couldn’t wait to go back to work, but also looked forward to all the books she’d get to read while she recovered. She couldn’t wait to spend time with Oliver and give the whole being married thing a shot. She looked forward to girl’s nights in with Brooklyn and Savannah and sporting events with Oliver and the guys. There was a lot she had to look forward to, she wouldn’t let the cancer make her forget about them.
◆◆◆
“Hey, there sleepyhead. How are you feeling?”
Meghan fought the urge to let her eyes close and turned her head to see who was speaking to her. A nurse stood next to her bed checking her IV and her vitals. Behind her, she could see Oliver asleep on the pull-out couch that was much too small for his over six-foot frame.
“He’s been here all night. He’s gonna have one hell of a backache from sleeping on that thing, but he refused to leave until you woke up. Do you want me to wake him?”
Meghan shook her head, still not quite sure of her voice. Her throat was sore and drier than sandpiper. She did an overall inventory of how she felt and realized they must have had her on some really good meds because she really didn’t feel much pain. Her body ached, but that was nothing compared to the pain she knew waited underneath the morphine or whatever they had her on.
“W..w..what time is it?” Meghan managed to croak out.
“It’s a little after seven. The doctor will be around after eight to go over everything and see how you’re doing. Is there anything I can get you? Maybe some ice chips?”
Meghan nodded, not wanting to try to talk more until she could take care of her dry throat. It only took the nurse a couple of minutes to fill a pitcher and a cup with ice. She set them both on the rolling table next to her and then rolled the table so it was closer. Meghan grabbed for the cup of ice and immediately dumped a third of the contents into her mouth.
“Hey now, be careful with that. You don’t want to make yourself sick. Drinking too fast on an empty stomach pumped full of painkillers is just asking for trouble.”
The nurse pushed a pink plastic bean-shaped dish closer to the end of the table so it was within Meghan’s reach. Meghan remembered the kidney dish from her last surgery. She hadn’t followed anyone’s advice and had downed water like it was going out of style. Then suddenly it was coming back up and she understood why they had all told her to be careful. Setting the cup of ice back down, she sucked on the ice in her mouth slowly letting the melted water trickle down her throat.
“Is there anything else I can get for you before I head out darling? Are you sure you don’t want me to wake up your young man?”
Meghan shook her head to both questions and then closed her eyes. Her body ached with exhaustion even though she’d slept for hours. She knew it wasn’t a restful sleep, she remembered tossing around and dreaming. She also remembered waking up in pain as she tried to roll over onto her side to sleep. That was something she’d forgotten about from her first surgery. She had always been a side or stomach sleeper, but until her wounds healed she would have to be a back sleeper, which never seemed to lead to a good night’s sleep for her.
It felt like she’d barely closed her eyes when someone cleared their throat next to her. One eye popped open to see if it was someone she actually needed to talk to. When she saw it was Dr. Lund, she opened both eyes and smiled at him.
“So, how’d we do?” she asked, her voice still scratchy and harsh to her ears.
He smiled down at her then looked over toward the other side of the room. She followed his gaze to find Oliver was awake. He stood next to the now folded up couch, his hair disheveled and his clothes askew, but he seemed alert and happy to see her. He walked up to the side of her bed and grabbed her hand. She gave it a quick squeeze before turning back to the doctor.
“We got in there and everything looked exactly like the scans did. It doesn’t look like the cancer has spread at all, although I did take a few tissue and fluid samples so we can run some tests. I’m hoping we’ll have those results back before you leave the hospital. If they come back the way I expect them to, then we’ll get to move forward with my no chemo plan.”
“That’s great news,” Oliver said. Meghan could hear the optimism in his voice and hoped he wasn’t counting on everything being perfect. She didn’t want him to get his hopes up only for reality to beat them back down.
“When can I take her home?”
“She’s got a slight fever right now, so we’re going to put her on some antibiotics to fight off any possibility of post-op infection. We’ll probably be able to send her home sometime tomorrow. We’ll want to monitor her closely today and overnight, which will also give us more time to get those test results back. If those don’t come back the way I want them to, there’s a chance we might need to go back in there and remove more tissue. I really don’t think that’ll be the case, but we won’t be sure until those results come back.”
The last thing Meghan wanted was to have to stay another night in the hospital. She wasn’t a fan of them, especially since one of her earliest memories was being in the hospital with her mom after the car accident that took her life. She’d been three and terrified of the hustle and bustle of the place, not to mention the loud machines. She’d known, even at that age, that her mom wasn’t going to make it. They spent days sitting by her bed, waiting for her to wake up, watching her lie there broken and bruised, barely functioning on her own. After that she’d done her best to avoid them until her dad got sick, then the hospital became her second home.
Dr. Lund left a few minutes later after checking her vitals and making sure she felt okay. Meghan wasn’t really sure what to say to Oliver. She wasn’t at all surprised he’d stayed all night despite her telling him to go home as they wheeled her into surgery. Now that she was stuck there for another day, she really didn’t see any reason for him to stay.
“You should go home, get some real rest, change your clothes. I’m sure you have better things to do than hang out here and eat shitty hospital food all day. I’m probably going to spend most of the day sleeping anyway.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone. I don’t mind hanging out here. You’d actually be surprised how comfortable that couch is.”
Meghan sighed. “Really, it’s okay. I don’t mind. I have a book in my bag that I can read and there are plenty of movies I can watch. I’ll be fine.”
Oliver just smiled at her like she was crazy for even suggesting he leave which annoyed her to no end. She didn’t want to have to entertain him or worry about him. She just wanted to wallow in her pain and misery, at least until she got out of the hospital. Then she’d be stuck with him and his optimism and love.
“I got you something that I think will help keep you entertained,” Oliver said as he turned around and picked up a gift bag she hadn’t noticed.
She eyed it warily, unsure of what could possibly be in the bag or why he would have gotten her anything in the first place. He was already doing so much for her by taking care of her when she was finally able to go home. Just letting her stay with him so she didn’t have to deal with the stairs at her apartment was a big deal. She really didn’t need anything more than that.
He pushed the bag into her hands and waited for her to open it. He seemed mildly impatient, which made her want to delay the opening of the bag just to mess with him. Her curiosity won out, however, as she pulled out several pieces of tissue paper before her hand wrapped around a rectangular box. The minute her eyes landed on the box, Meghan gasped in surprise.
“It’s already charged and filled with a ton of books,” Oliver said as she pulled the brand-new Kindle out of the box.
She powered it on, noting that it had a full charge and an even fuller library. She scrolled through the books he’d loaded onto her new toy and was surprised to find a bunch of her favorites as well as books she’d been wanting to read for a while.
“I paid attention when we had that lunch date at the bookstore near Arrow,” Oliver said answering her unasked question, although her face probably said it all.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love it.”
“I figured you’d have a lot of time to get some reading done and this would be a lot easier for you to handle. It’s a hell of a lot lighter than an actual book and you’d have way more options this way.”
“Thank you, Oliver. This is the best present anyone has ever given me. I can’t believe you remembered all the books I rattled on about.”
“You’ll realize eventually that I remember everything you tell me.”
“Ha, I’m sure that’ll change after a few years of marriage,” she joked before realizing exactly what she said.
Oliver raised an eyebrow at her, clearly amused by her slip. “So, should I just ignore what you said or maybe give you a little grief about it? I’m really not sure which way to go.”
Meghan laughed, then cringed when pain radiated from her abdomen.
“How about you cut me some slack since I just had surgery. We can blame everything I say on the pain meds and just call it good, k?”
“Really? Pulling the surgery card already. Man, you’re going to be difficult to work with, aren’t you? Fine. I’ll let you off for now, but don’t think for a minute I won’t remember this and bring it up later.”
Meghan scowled at him, but couldn’t hold the look for long. “You’re a pain in my ass. Go home so I can get some rest and then get some reading in. You can come back later if you insist, but I’m fine and there’s really no reason you should spend your entire day hanging out here.”
“I’m only leaving because I stink. I’ll be back later after I’ve showered and given everyone an update. Anything you’d like me to sneak in here for you? Cheeseburgers, fries, a milkshake maybe?”
Meghan smiled at him, overjoyed with the fact that he was willing to get in trouble for her. She shook her head, knowing that eating junk food wasn’t worth it until the doctor cleared her to.
“Maybe some raspberry Jell-O if you can find it. They usually only have strawberry and whatever the hell that green one is. Oh, and some bottled water. The crap out of the tap here tastes like rust.”
After giving her a quick kiss and promising to be back in a few hours, Oliver grabbed his stuff and headed out. The minute he was gone, she was both grateful and sad that he’d left. She shook her head, trying to clear out the crazy thoughts. Being dependent on someone else was definitely not what she wanted.
She didn’t want to need Oliver around, but she definitely liked having him with her. She had to be careful not to let it go to her head, she had to make sure she could go through what was coming alone if she had to. In the back of her mind, she still worried that he was going to decide she wasn’t worth the trouble and send her away. She had to make sure she was prepared if that ever happened. She wouldn’t let herself be blindsided by abandonment ever again.