Chapter 6
Meghan
It wasn’t supposed to happen again. Sure, she knew the odds. She knew it was always a possibility. Which was exactly why she’d lived her life so freely. She partied, had fun, slept around, but never got too serious about anything.
She always knew it could happen again, but it wasn’t supposed to.
So close to being five years cancer free. That was the line the doctors drew where they believed recurrence was less likely to happen. Of course, it was still a chance, but the chances were far less once a patient hit the five-year mark.
Six months. Six measly months.
There was no denying it, cancer was a fucking cunt, which was a word she didn’t use lightly. It took her father from her before she was ready to lose him. It took her right ovary and fallopian tube away before she really had a chance to think about what they meant to her. It took her chance at happiness away when she realized cancer was too fucking hard to stick around through.
Cancer was the reason she’d tried to steer clear of Oliver. Why she’d tried to push him away when he got too close. Her diagnosis had been the reason the last relationship she’d been in had ended. He hadn’t wanted to stick around while she went through chemo, while she was sick and losing her hair. She couldn’t really blame him. She hadn’t wanted to stick around either. Unfortunately, she had no choice.
None of her friends had stuck around either. They were all young, dealing with a friend with cancer was too much of a downer for them. The only person who’d been there for Meghan was her cousin Natalie, who’d been her best friend for the majority of her life. But it hadn’t been easy for her. Meghan wasn’t the best patient, in fact, she’d been a downright bitch to her cousin far more often than she deserved. Her cousin took it all in stride, but Meghan knew she’d hurt her.
It hadn’t surprised Meghan that right after she was declared cancer-free, Natalie moved away. Of course, she said it was because she and her husband had always wanted to live in North Carolina, but Meghan couldn’t help but feel like she’d wanted to get as far away as she could. That feeling never went away, even now after nearly five years. She still felt responsible for pushing Natalie away.
It had been four years since she last talked to her cousin. They commented on each other’s social media posts, but that was it. From the moment she’d gotten her diagnosis, nothing had been the same for them. Their relationship forever ruined because cancer was a fucking cunt.
Meghan didn’t talk about her cancer. She didn’t want to see the looks of pity on people’s faces when they learned about her disease. She didn’t tell people about what she’d lost, especially not about her peace of mind which went running out the door the day the doctor told her she had ovarian cancer.
For the rest of her life, she’d worry about it coming back. She’d live with the knowledge that she could get sicker, she could die at any time. She certainly didn’t tell people there was a chance her cancer was hereditary, that she could be carrying within her a gene that was known to cause a variety of different cancers. A gene passed on to her from her father who’d fallen victim to pancreatic cancer when she was 21.
No one knew what she’d been through. At least no one had until Oliver found the envelope that contained the results of her most recent blood test. She didn’t know why the envelope was still in her purse three days after her appointment. It should have been sitting on her table or maybe hidden in a drawer. Anywhere but in her purse where someone could find it.
The look on his face when he realized what the envelope said would forever haunt her. Oliver had looked hurt, shocked by the words printed in calming blue ink. When he finally looked up at her, he’d looked angry. There was no pity there, only betrayal. For some reason that was harder to see then the sympathy she’d expected. She hadn’t expected him to care. She certainly hadn’t expected him to tell her that he loved her. Hearing those words as she ended things with him had gutted her.
When he showed up at her door, she’d wanted to let him in. It would have been so easy to give in and let him hold her through whatever came next. But she couldn’t forget what happened the first time. She couldn’t forget the pain she caused people, the disgust she raised in people who had claimed to love her. It would kill her long before the cancer ever did, to do any of that to Oliver.
So, she stayed strong. She listened to his declarations, listened to his pleas, then sent him away. Two days ago, she fell to the floor in front of her door and cried. She woke up on that floor hours later, her eyes crusty from tears and sleep, her chest aching from the soul-wrenching sobs. Since then, she’d barely left her bed. She’d called Gabriel letting him know she needed more time off. He hadn’t seemed surprised, which meant he must have talked to Oliver. She didn’t elaborate, and he didn’t ask, just told her to take all the time she needed and that he was there if she needed to talk.
Monday morning, she had an appointment with an oncologist to go over her numbers and get a scan done so they could see what they were dealing with. Meghan sort of knew the drill already, but a lot had changed in the last five years, so she hoped maybe things would be different. She also hoped she’d caught it early again like the first time. Her type of cancer was one that was difficult to detect. So many people didn’t even realize they had it until it was much further along.
That was at least one good thing that had come out of her father’s cancer diagnosis. She had seen the signs, but her dad had refused to. By the time he’d gone to the doctor, it was too late. They were able to prolong his life with chemotherapy and surgery, but it wasn’t the kind of life he could have had if he’d just listened to the signs. From that day forward, she listened, even when the signs were bogus. Meghan became a near hypochondriac; wondering if every little pain or ache was cancer or something just as nefarious.
The doctors had told her that her overactive imagination had likely saved her life. This time she hoped that held true. She’d been so cocky, so sure she was over the hump that she stopped paying attention to her body. Oliver had distracted her. The wedding had distracted her. She couldn’t afford to let herself be distracted by all of the shiny things around her. When she let herself get distracted she stopped listening and she almost missed the signs. The lethargy, the bloating, the tenderness to her left side when she had her period and when she didn’t.
A sudden knock at her door broke her out of her thoughts. She wasn’t expecting anyone, although a part of her figured it was only a matter of time before someone came to check on her. She was fairly certain it wasn’t Oliver. He was smart enough to give her the space she needed, but she knew he wasn’t ready to give up on her. She just wasn’t sure how she felt about that.
Pulling back the covers, she crawled out of bed and grabbed her phone off the nightstand. Whoever was at the door was going to have to deal with the fact she hadn’t showered in two days and her pajamas were far from clean. She had no idea how bad she looked, but she didn’t really care. She was in a state of mourning and she wasn’t sure when she was going to be able to climb out of it.
Another knock, this one a bit more forceful. “Open the door, Meghan. I know you’re in there.”
Brooklyn. He’d told Brooklyn. Meghan didn’t know why she was so surprised he’d told her. If she’d been in his place, she’d have done the same thing. She’d have marched off to his best friend the first second she’d gotten, so she’d have back-up against him. If she couldn’t get through to Oliver, she knew Braeden could. It didn’t matter that she would have done the same thing, a part of her was still angry he’d opened his big mouth. She wasn’t ready for someone else to know. Hell, she hadn’t been ready for anyone to know, not even Oliver.
Unlocking the door, she pulled it open so her friend could come inside. Neither of them said a word until Brooklyn made herself at home on Meghan’s couch.
“Can I get you something to drink?” Meghan asked, attempting to break the tension.
“I didn’t come over here for a drink. We need to talk.”
“He told you,” Meghan said as she sat down in the chair across from Brooklyn. It was more a statement than a question since she already knew the answer.
“Of course, he did, he loves you. Oliver doesn’t want you to be alone through this and neither do I.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“To hell it’s not,” Brooklyn’s anger evident in her voice. “Look, I’m sorry for getting mad, but Meghan, this isn’t a joke. We’re worried about you.”
“I know it’s not a fucking joke. I’ve been down this road before. I know what’s at stake. I know what I’m dealing with. I can do this on my own. I don’t need anybody’s help.”
Brooklyn scoffed. “Too fucking bad because you’ve got our help whether you like it or not. We’re a family, all of us, including you, including Oliver. When one of us is down, we pick them up. When one of us is suffering, we comfort them. Fuck you, if you think I’m going to let one of my best friend’s deal with cancer on their own. That’s not how things work with me so get used to it.”
Meghan didn’t know what to say. She’d never had someone stand up to her the way Brooklyn had. It had been easy to push people away the first time because they were eager to go. Brooklyn was making it obvious she wasn’t going anywhere, and Meghan had no idea what to do with that information. She was used to doing things on her own, dealing with her life on her own. She wasn’t sure she could let someone in, especially not into the mess that was currently her life.
“I’m sorry for being so harsh. I don’t know what you went through before or why you think you have to do this alone, but you don’t.”
“I’m scared, I’m so fucking scared, but I don’t want to be. I’m scared of losing my friends, of losing Oliver. I’m scared the cancer’s going to be worse this time around. I don’t want to put you guys through what I went through with my dad. I don’t want you to watch me waste away until I’m nothing but a shell of who I was. I don’t want you to watch me die, but…I’m not sure I can do this alone. I don’t want to do this alone.”
Admitting it, hurt. She felt selfish and horrible. Even though she knew the pain she could be putting them through, she wanted their support, she wanted their love. Hell, she needed it and she hated herself for it.
“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this alone. We’re all here for you.”
Meghan dropped her head into her hands and cried. She wasn’t sure how she could possibly still have tears left after the other day with Oliver, but she did. Sobs wracked her body as she let it all out, the pain, the fear, the anger. Her body ached from it all, but she didn’t know how to keep the emotions at bay. Sobs turned to silent tears as she caught her breathe.
“You don’t know what you’re in for. I don’t want you to hate me because of this.”
“I could never hate you.”
Meghan laughed a little through her tears. “You can’t promise that. I’m a horrible patient. I’m bitchy and moody and the sickness that comes with chemo….”
“We’ll take it one day at a time. Let’s deal with things as they come. And if you get bitchy and moody, I’ll give you a pass, but I also won’t hesitate to call you out on it. Don’t for one second think I’m going to let you run me off. Neither will Oliver. We love you; bitchy, moody, puking your guts up, whatever may come, we love you.”
Brooklyn’s conviction was so strong, so solid, Meghan knew her friend wasn’t lying to her. She was in it for real and she wasn’t going to back down no matter how nasty Meghan got. She couldn’t help but cry harder, but there were happy tears in there this time. It made her happy to know she had a family, to know she wasn’t alone.
“I’m sorry that you’d ever think we wouldn’t want to be here for you. I don’t know what went down the first time, but it makes me so angry that you’d be left with that impression. Real friends don’t skip out when things get tough. Real men don’t skip out when things are ugly. We’ll get through this together, I promise.”
“Thank you,” Meghan said weakly, her voice muffled from the sobs stuck in her throat.
“So where do we start? What happens next?” Brooklyn asked.
Before she could answer, Meghan felt her phone vibrate in her lap. She’d forgotten all about the object the minute she’d sat down and started listening to her friend. Swiping her finger across the screen, she stared down at the words on her phone. Even when she was pushing him away he was looking out for her.
Please let Brooklyn be there for you since I can’t. I love you, Meghan. Please remember that.
Her first instinct would probably always be to push them away, but she didn’t want to. She wanted them to stand by her, to help her while she was down. It wasn’t going to be easy to fight against her instinct, but she was going to try. Baby steps would be necessary and she knew the best first step to take.
“Do you have plans tomorrow morning?”
When Brooklyn shook her head, Meghan had just one more question for her friend.
“How do you feel about doctors?”
◆◆◆
Meghan hated how quiet the room was. There were four people, three machines, and a squeaky chair and none of them were making noise. Everyone was staring at the screen of the ultrasound machine; everyone unsure of how to voice what they were seeing. It was obviously a tumor this time, you could see it as plain as day. Unlike the first time where the cyst had been blocking the cancerous mass and no one was sure it was there until the cyst was removed.
Dr. Lund had moved the wand over her abdomen, examining her uterus and her last remaining ovary and fallopian tube. He hadn’t seemed all that worried until he’d hovered over the ovary she’d named Wilma during her first go around. That was when she saw it, a thick mass that was obviously not fluid-filled. It was maybe the size of a penny, but it was enough for everyone in the room to lose hope that the numbers were a false positive. There was no denying it, the cancer was back.
The doctor hit a few buttons, then told her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. As soon as he and the nurse left, she mechanically put her clothes back on. She didn’t look at Brooklyn, not ready to see whatever her friend was feeling. It was hard enough to hold back her own feelings at the moment, she didn’t need to deal with Brooklyn’s feelings too.
She hated that the cancer was back. She was angry she was going to have to go through everything again: the surgery, the chemo, the depression. This time, she had a feeling the depression would be worse given the fact that the doctor was likely going to take every piece she had left. No chance of kids and if he took her uterus, early menopause would become her friend.
Once they were back in Dr. Lund’s office, he waited until they had a seat in the chairs across from him before he started. Before he could speak, Brooklyn reached over and grabbed Meghan’s hand and gave it a squeeze, reassuring her she was there.
“Obviously, it wasn’t what we had hoped, but it’s still small and I didn’t see any evidence it has spread past the ovary.”
“I assume, we’re talking more surgery and chemo then?” Meghan asked.
“Of course, like last time, I can’t be sure of anything until I’m in there, but we’re definitely talking about removal of the ovary, tube, and uterus. I’m sorry Meghan, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but we can’t leave anything in this time. It was risky last time, but I did it because you were so young. I had hoped you’d get to live a cancer-free life and have the opportunity to have kids.”
“It’s okay, I’m not sure kids were ever in my future anyway. If this is hereditary, I don’t want to be responsible for passing the gene on to unsuspecting children.”
“My hope is that we won’t have to do chemo this time. Like I said, it doesn’t look like it’s spread, so hopefully, when we remove the organs, we’ll remove what’s left of your cancer. Of course, I’ll monitor you closely and we’ll do plenty of scans post-surgery to make sure nothing was missed.”
“Are you sure that’s wise?” Brooklyn asked.
“Chemotherapy isn’t always the best option for cancer patients. Last time with Meghan, I was fairly certain I had gotten all of the cancer, but because we were leaving in the other ovary and tube, I opted to go with chemo to minimize the risk. There’s still a chance we’ll end up down that road this time or maybe we’ll try radiation, either way, I promise you I’m making the best choices regarding her care.”
“I trust him, Brook. If he says no chemo, then no chemo. I’d rather not deal with that anyway. I already got rid of all my wigs from last time and I don’t want to have to get new ones. Those things are expensive.”
Brooklyn sighed as she tried to stifle a laugh. “You’re not supposed to make me laugh. This is serious.”
“Hey…I know it’s serious, but really there isn’t anything I can do to change things, it’s happening whether I want it to or not. Taking it all too seriously or losing my mind over it won’t make it all go away. All that does is makes me more miserable. That’s how I dealt with it last time and it really didn’t help anything.”
“Having a healthy attitude about things will definitely help you heal faster. Depression is not something you should ignore. There are support groups and people you can talk to Meghan. I highly recommend you look into those,” Dr. Lund said.
“It’s okay Doc. I know what I’m getting into.”
“Things are going to be much different this time with the hormone changes on top of everything else. I know it was hard on you last time, but I really do think this time will be tougher. Please don’t try to go through it alone. While we monitor everything else, we’ll also keep an eye on your menopausal symptoms. I don’t know if Hormone Replacement Therapy will be the right answer for you, we’ll have to see how severe your symptoms get. I worry about giving you hormones that could increase your chance of other types of cancer, but studies have been inconclusive as far as that goes. We can also look into other alternatives, but you might end up getting lucky and not need anything extra to help you through it.”
Meghan scoffed. “Yeah with my track record, I’m doubting that will be the way things go.”
“Hey, I thought you were going to have a good attitude about this,” Brooklyn said.
“I am. Just being realistic. While I’m not going to freak out, I’m also not going to sugar coat what’s happening. I think that would be even worse than freaking out about things.”
Dr. Lund didn’t say anything, instead, he watched Meghan, a thoughtful look on his face. She wished she could read his mind, to see what he was really thinking about her situation. He was a very frank man, so she was fairly certain he was telling her what she needed to know. If he felt like her case was dire or things were really bad, he’d tell her. He wasn’t much for keeping her in the dark, at least he hadn’t been last time.
Although she didn’t want to admit it, she was glad Brooklyn had come with her. As ready as she’d been for the bad news, it would have been harder to hear if she’d been alone. No matter how much she wanted to spare those around her from what she was about to go through, she didn’t want to do it by herself. She didn’t want to deal with the loss, the pain, the fear, on her own. She couldn’t do it alone.
“So, when do we start?” Meghan asked.