Chapter 12
Meghan
“I know it’s none of my business, Meghan, but since I am your doctor, I feel like it’s my duty to tell you that you look like crap.”
“Please don’t sugar coat things, Dr. Lund, tell me how you really feel.”
Meghan knew his words weren’t meant to hurt her, but they did sting. She knew she looked like crap. Hell, she looked worse than that, she looked like death warmed over, but no one would use that word to describe her, not given what she’d been through. If it weren’t for her doctor’s appointment, she would have stayed locked in her apartment. The same place she’d spent the last six weeks; where she spent Christmas alone and rang in the new year alone. The place that she was wasting away in, wallowing in the broken heart she’d given herself.
“For someone with a clean bill of health 12 weeks after surgery, you look like someone told you that your dog died. This is great news Meghan, you should be celebrating. Where’s Oliver?” Dr. Lund asked. “He should be taking care of you. Even if he went back to work, you look like you’re barely eating, barely sleeping. I know the transition can be difficult, but I’ve given you vitamins to take and tricks on how to get through those hot flashes and the changes you’d see. I’m sure I’ve told you this, but sex can...”
“We broke up,” she spoke quickly, interrupting him so she wouldn’t have to hear anything else about sex or Oliver or the changes she was going through.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Oliver and I broke up. I’m not the same woman I was when we got together, so I let him go.”
“Oh Meghan,” Dr. Lund said pity lacing those two words. “You know that’s not true. And I’m sure Oliver doesn’t see you that way.”
“You don’t know him and you don’t know me.”
“No, I suppose after all these years, I don’t know you and I don’t know Oliver, but I do know what you’re going through. Maybe not from my own personal experience, but from decades of professional experience. We’ve talked about this over and over, both times you went through this. I thought this time would be different because you had a better support system in place, but it seems like you are falling into a deeper hole than you did last time. You need to speak to someone, Meghan. You need help.”
“I’m fine,” Meghan insisted, knowing full well she wasn’t. “It’s just a small hump, I’ll get over it in no time and everything will go back to normal.”
“You know that’s not true. I can see it all over your face. Stop being so damn stubborn and call Carolyn Faber. Here’s her card, again, since I’m sure you’ve misplaced the last one.”
Meghan could all but see the air quotes around misplaced as he handed her the counselors card. She’d thrown away the same card every time he gave it to her, so sure she could make it through the darkness by herself. This time she wasn’t as sure. Getting the divorce papers from Oliver had been devastating enough, even though it was what she’d asked for. Getting the papers with the Christmas present he’d picked out for her had destroyed her.
When she opened the box and saw what was inside, she knew she’d made a huge mistake, but she had no idea how to fix it. Instead of making a plan, she wallowed in pain, the present she purchased for him buried in her closet, so she wouldn’t see it. Instead of trying to fight her way out of the fog of depression she was in, she buried herself deeper, cutting herself off from her friends.
It had been two weeks since she’d spoken to Brooklyn or Gabriel or any of them. She stopped giving Gabriel updates on when she was coming back to work. She stopped answering Brook’s calls and texts and when her friend came to the door, she ignored her the same way she had Oliver.
Meghan needed help, but she was afraid it was too late. Even if she could see the light at the end of the tunnel, what if no one was standing there waiting for her. What if she’d gone too far and pushed away everyone she loved? What if they wouldn’t or couldn’t forgive her?
“Just think about what I said, Meghan. I know this is tough. I know you’re hurting and scared. I know you feel like less of a woman because of what you’re missing. I also know you realize that that isn’t true. You are a woman, with or without those parts. You deserve to be happy, you deserve great sex and you deserve a man that loves you and wants to create a life with you. Talk to Carolyn. Maybe she’ll be able to convince you where the rest of us have failed.”
“I will. I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Don’t be sorry Meghan. This is normal…well normalish. But I don’t want to see you continue to spiral. You are stronger than this. Please, just promise me you will talk to Carolyn. I promise you won’t regret it.”
“I promise I’ll go see her. I’m scared, but I don’t want to live like this anymore.”
“Then fight. That’s all you can do. Fight and then keep fighting and then fight some more. Don’t let the cancer win.”
◆◆◆
She knew she should go straight to Brooklyn’s as soon as she left her doctor’s office. She knew that talking to her friend was exactly what she needed to help push her to the next step. She knew she needed Brooklyn there for moral support when she called the counselor, but her nerves kept her from taking that step. Meghan hated the fact that she was afraid to talk to her best friend. She was absolutely terrified of what Brooklyn might say to her. So instead of nutting up and going to Brook’s house to beg for forgiveness, Meghan cruised along Alki, stopping occasionally to watch the waves crash against the rock walls.
It took her an hour to get up the nerve to drive down Brooklyn’s street and another fifteen minutes to actually park the car. Meghan was fairly certain if she drove around the block one more time one of Brooklyn’s neighbors would call the cops. She wouldn’t have blamed them, she was absolutely acting like a crazy person.
“Quit being a fucking weenie, Meghan. You can do this. Brook is your best friend, she’s going to understand. Just go up to that door and beg for her to let you in. It’s simple. Holy shit…” Meghan yelled as a knock on her window startled her pep talk.
Her hand flew to her chest as she tried to calm down her breathing.
“Are you done talking to yourself yet, or do you need some more time alone?” Brooklyn asked through the driver side window.
“Jeezus Brook, you scared the shit out of me.”
“Well the fact that you drove past my house ten times scared the shit out of me. The other ten times just made me laugh. What the fuck are you doing out here? Is this what’s happened to you since you stopped taking my calls, you’ve turned into a looney toon?”
Shaking her head, Meghan turned off the car before climbing out to greet her friend. All the worry she’d been feeling melted away the minute Brooklyn wrapped her arms around her. She should have known from the banter that there were no hard feelings and that Brooklyn understood the silent treatment she’d gotten, but she hadn’t been sure of anything until her friend pulled her in for a hug.
Tears filled her eyes for the millionth time in the last month, but for once they were actually happy tears…or rather tears of relief, which to Meghan were almost the same thing. She finally felt like there was a way through the fog, that she could get her life back, at least part of it. All she wanted was to find her new sense of normal, no matter how different it was from the way her life used to be. She hated feeling out of sorts; like her life had been turned upside down and inside out.
Meghan had known things would be rough, but she hadn’t been prepared for how earth shattering this time around would be. It was so much more than just the scary uncertainty of cancer. It was the loss of her ability to have kids even though she didn’t want them, the guilt she felt regarding Oliver, the heartbreak of letting him go. She was grieving so much more than pieces of her body; she was grieving pieces of her soul. It had taken her twelve long weeks to work through the grief enough to realize she needed help.
Now that she knew she hadn’t burned all of the bridges around her she had a phone call to make.
◆◆◆
Going to see Carolyn wasn’t like what Meghan had seen on TV. There wasn’t a comfy chaise lounge for her to lie down on, Carolyn didn’t sit across from her with a notebook, writing down the answers to questions like “how does that make you feel”. There was something so incredibly comfortable and relaxing about seeing Carolyn, it made Meghan angry with herself that she hadn’t gone sooner.
After a month of twice-weekly appointments, Meghan felt better than she had in months, maybe even years. She felt like she could deal with her feelings of guilt and grief a lot better than she could before. Slowly, but surely, she was breaking out of her funk. She even had Gabriel put her on the schedule at the restaurant, so she could get that part of her life back in order.
“I think going back to work, even on a part-time schedule, is a step in the right direction, Meghan, but I have to ask. What about Oliver? Have you given any more thought about working things out with him?” Carolyn asked.
“We’ve talked about this…there’s no point in trying to work things out with Oliver. I still can’t give him what he wants, what he deserves. I’m not going to waste his time or risk breaking his heart again. I’m fine being on my own anyway. I’ve never been a relationship kind of girl, so this works for me.”
A snort from the woman across from her filled the room. “I’m sorry, that was completely unprofessional of me, but really…we both know that was a total line of bullshit you just tried to feed me.”
Meghan sat up straighter in the overstuffed armchair she preferred over the loveseat against the wall. Over the last month, she’d thought long and hard, took the advice that Carolyn had given her and realized that even if she was feeling better about her situation, it was still in Oliver’s best interest to move forward with the divorce. It didn’t matter if the thought of signing the papers made her feel like her heart was being shredded to pieces. It didn’t matter that thinking about Oliver actually moving on, falling in love with someone else, made her feel like she was dying inside.
“It’s not bullshit, Carolyn. I mean it. I don’t want to hurt Oliver again. Say we get back together and then a year from now he realizes he wants a family and I can’t give it to him. Or say he wants a wife that doesn’t have to use a shit ton of artificial lube to get her ready for sex, only for her to fake her orgasms anyway. He deserves better than that.”
Before she finished speaking Carolyn started to shake her head, an even less professional noise than her snort coming out of her mouth. No matter how much her reaction annoyed Meghan, she knew she deserved it.
“You really need to go to the support group I’ve told you about, Meghan. You need to hear from others like you. Survivors who can give you first-hand accounts of life after cancer, life after surgery and life after early menopause. You can come to me and tell me how you feel for the rest of your life, but until you hear stories from women who have been through what you’re going through, you’re never going to truly believe you can have the life you want. You’re going to always hold yourself back,” Carolyn said, not for the first time in the last month. “There’s only so far I can push you and I think we’ve reached that point. I’m more than happy to keep counseling you, but only if you also agree to go to that group. You need it more than anyone else I’ve ever met. Please don’t let this cancer destroy your future. Revel in the fact that you actually get a future, unlike so many others who are diagnosed with this disease.”
Meghan let out a sigh. Something deep inside her knew that Carolyn was right. That she should be living the life that so many others weren’t getting the chance to live. No matter how many times she tried to talk herself into it though, she balked. There was too much pain, too much heartbreak down that path. Not only her own but for anyone she became involved with. It was difficult enough getting close to Brooklyn, knowing that if something happened to Meghan, Brooklyn would mourn her.
“What if it comes back?” Meghan asked quietly. “What if six months from now I have another recurrence…or a year from now or ten years from now? What if my future is just a blip on the radar? I can’t do that to Oliver. I saw what losing my mom did to my dad. Even though I was so young, I remember the devastation he went through. He was never the same after she died. I don’t want to put someone else through that, especially not Oliver.”
“I get what you’re saying, Meghan and I understand your fear,” Carolyn said. “Please just go to one meeting. Just one and take Brooklyn with you, if that makes things easier for you. I promise, you won’t regret it, but if for some reason you learn nothing from it or you absolutely hate it, we’ll go ahead and continue on the way we are. You can continue on living your life the way you want to…even if I think it’s absolutely stupid of you to waste the time you have left, whether that’s six months, a year, ten years or a hundred…”
“Are you supposed to say that to your patients? It’s not very professional.”
“Sometimes you have to move on to the tough love portion of counseling and I feel like we’ve reached that point. Hell, we passed that point sessions ago.”
Meghan sighed. “I could just go see someone else you know.”
“You could, but you won’t. Deep down you know I’m right about this whole thing. And not so deep down, you like that I don’t hold back. I don’t pull any punches, which is how you like it. Brutal honesty, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well then let me be brutally honest here,” Carolyn paused, giving Meghan a look that said you better be listening. “Pull your head out of your ass and start really living. It doesn’t have to be Oliver, maybe he’s the actual problem in this situation and he’s just not the right man for you. It doesn’t matter who it is, just let someone in. Let someone love you the way you deserve to be loved.”
◆◆◆
Oliver
Oliver was miserable. He couldn’t think of a time in his life, that he had ever felt worse than he had since Meghan left him. It’d been nearly two months since he’d talked to her, a little over a month since he’d made the decision to stop calling and texting her, to stop visiting her apartment only to speak to her closed door. He’d left the ball in her court, but as each day passed he felt like the ball was becoming more and more deflated, along with his heart.
Gabriel had decided that a guy’s weekend to Portland would hopefully help him get his mind off all things Meghan. Oliver promised he’d try to have a good time, that he wouldn’t spend the entire time wallowing in his misery, but he didn’t think it was likely. He made it a half an hour into the three-hour car ride without thinking about her. With Braeden’s help and some god-awful car sing-a-long, he was able to make it the rest of the way without thinking about his broken heart.
When they got to the hotel and Gabriel and Declan both called home to check in, Oliver felt a twinge of jealousy, wishing that he could call Meghan to check in. Of course, that snowballed into an all-out pity party that his friends could barely shake him out of. Dinner and drinks helped a little as long as the talk stayed away from the girls and Gabriel’s marriage. As long as they talked about sports and other mundane things, Oliver felt fine.
Watching the Portland Trailblazers take on the Oklahoma City Thunder helped to change his mood even though he couldn’t completely get out of his funk. He remembered going to basketball games with his dad as a kid, back when Seattle still had a basketball team. Thinking about his dad, made him think about his parents and how much they loved Meghan. It was like almost everything in his life brought him back to thinking about her.
He wanted to know how she was doing. He wanted to know that she was okay but couldn’t bring himself to ask. Oliver had avoided group get-togethers because he knew Meghan needed their friends more than he did. He avoided going into Arrow because he didn’t want to make things awkward for her. She needed space and he had to give it to her. He just hoped she’d make some kind of decision soon and put him out of his misery.
He kept holding out hope that Meghan was going to change her mind about them, but Oliver knew it was probably going to end in more heartbreak for him. Surprisingly though he was prepared for it. He just wanted her to be happy even if that wasn’t with him.
“Dude, come on. You keep spacing out and missing the craziest shots. This game is bananas,” Braeden said excitedly. “I’m so glad Kevin Durant isn’t on the Thunder anymore, so I don’t have to root for them to do well. I know it’s not the player's fault, but man I feel like we were robbed of our team.”
“They’ve been gone nearly a decade, man. Isn’t it time to get over it?” Declan asked.
“How would you feel if the Mariners were stolen away? You’d be able to get over that after a decade? I highly doubt it.”
“Okay fine, you win. Continue on with your bitterness and coffee boycott,” Declan said, obviously annoyed that his friend had called him out and actually made a decent point.
“I’m gonna go get another beer. Anyone need anything while I’m up?” Oliver asked as he stood.
Braeden and Declan both shook their heads, while Gabriel stood up next to him. “I’ll go with you.”
As they walked up the stairs, so they could get to the main concourse, Oliver couldn’t help but wonder why Gabriel was going with him. Since he was their designated driver he’d been drinking water all night and he had a full bottle of water at his seat. Oliver wasn’t sure he was ready to have a conversation with his friend, but he was sure that it wasn’t up to him whether or not it happened. They stood silently in the short line. The fact it only took a few minutes to get his beer surprised Oliver. He was far more use to the twenty to thirty-minute wait for beer at football games.
“Can we talk for a minute?” Gabriel asked as soon as they started to walk away from the concession stand.
“Sure.”
Gabriel led Oliver over to one of the tables surrounding the concession stand. The area was nearly empty since most people were inside watching the game. There were a few TVs hanging from pillars, so they could keep track if they wanted, but neither of them had really been into the game anyway.
“How are you doing?” Gabriel asked. “We haven’t talked much lately, but I know this hasn’t been easy for you. I know you’ve been avoiding all of us and Arrow because of her, but you don’t have to do that.”
“I know I don’t, but I want her to be comfortable. I don’t want to push her,” Oliver said. “To answer your question, I’m doing okay. Every day I feel a bit more like myself. I hate being without her, but it is what it is.”
“She’s been back at work for a while. She seems to be doing well, but I can tell she’s not happy. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but she asks about you a lot.”
“She does?” Oliver asked, not masking the thrill in his voice.
“Yeah. I know she’s worried about you. She said she’s working on some things. I probably shouldn’t tell you this either, but she’s been seeing a counselor and going to a support group. She’s been getting help and it’s made a huge difference. Give her some more time and I think things may work themselves out.”
“Thanks for letting me know, man. It means a lot.”
“I’m glad I could help, even just a little,” Gabriel said a smile gracing his face. “I have something else I need to tell you. Savannah’s pregnant.”
“Holy shit Gabe, congratulations man. That’s amazing news,” Oliver said, genuinely excited for his friend.
“We aren’t telling everyone, so please don’t say anything. So far Brooklyn and Declan know and her parents. I don’t think I’ll tell Braeden yet. He’s a bit of a big mouth and we don’t want to tell a lot of people until she’s further along. Because of everything that happened with the accident, we’re worried there’s still a chance we might lose the baby.”
“I promise I won’t say a word. When’s the baby due? Do you know what you’re having?”
Gabriel smiled, a wistful look flashing across his face. “We don’t know what we’re having yet, but Savannah’s a little over four months along.”
“Wait, wasn’t she drinking when we had Thanksgiving at your place?”
“Oh, you mean the gin and tonics, hold the gin she was downing like a champ? Did you notice she never accepted a drink someone other than her or I made? That was on purpose. We knew she was pregnant, but we weren’t ready to tell anyone.”
“Damn, you guys are sneaky.”
“I know. Look, I wanted you to hear it from me because you’re one of my best friends, but also because I didn’t want things to be weird. I know things between you and Meghan are up in the air at the moment and when you get those things figured out, there are still things you two will have to work through. I know kids of your own aren’t in the picture for you and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t weird.”
“Come on man, just because Meghan and I can’t have our own kids, doesn’t mean I’m not over the fucking moon for you and Savannah. You will be amazing parents to that lucky little kid. If Meghan and I can work things out, then we’ll have the kid discussion, but honestly man, I never saw myself as a dad. It didn’t bother me we couldn’t have kids until I knew it bothered her.”
“It’s not if, Oliver, it’s when. When you and Meghan work things out because I know you will. You two were made for each other. She just has to work through some things, so she can be the woman you need. Her words, not mine,” Gabriel added with a laugh.
Gabriel patted Oliver on the back as they laughed together. A ping from Oliver’s pocket interrupting the moment. Pulling his phone out of his jacket, Oliver hoped that maybe Meghan’s ears were burning, and she knew he was talking about her so she sent a text. Instead of seeing her name on his screen, he saw Braeden’s. The text his friend sent pushing Gabriel and Oliver into another round of laughter.
You assholes have been gone so long, you might as well bring me back a beer to thank me for spending time with grumpy pants.
The text accompanied a picture of an angry Declan flipping Braeden off. It was amazing Declan hadn’t killed Braeden over the last thirty years. They had been friends longer than the rest of them, having met in kindergarten. But Declan hadn’t always been a moody bastard. In fact, until he was seventeen, Declan had been as happy and optimistic as Braeden, but then Erin had changed everything for him.
“We should probably get back. Leaving them alone together wasn’t the best idea, but I figured since they’re in public, they’d behave. I should have known better,” Gabriel said as he patted Oliver on the shoulder again.
“Thank you for sharing your secret with me, Gabriel, and for telling me about Meghan. I appreciate the small piece of mind it gave me,” Oliver said. “I really am happy for you, man. I can’t wait to meet your kid.”
“I can’t wait to meet him or her either, man. Even if I’m fucking terrified.”
Stopping by the concession stand, they grabbed a few more beers and another bottle of water before heading back to their seats. Oliver’s talk with Gabriel had brightened his spirits. Now he knew Meghan was working on herself, that maybe there was a chance for them after all. Just knowing that there was a chance gave Oliver a renewed sense of hope that he couldn’t and didn’t want to shake.