I watch the woman I have loved for over thirty years cry into her pillow. My woman is not a crier, she is a fixer and she has the patience of a saint, but still today I make her cry. This is on me. I should have been a man all those years ago and admitted my weaknesses. I shouldn’t have given the problem to Javier to fix for me, but I did. Now I am going to need to fix the blowback from it. It is time I man up. I toe off my boots and crawl in bed beside my woman to hold her, but Lil goes stiff beside me and won’t let me take her into my arms, so I can fix this. Lil has never denied my touch before and I realize just how much I have hurt her, and she doesn’t even know what I have done yet. Lil sits up and then moves to the edge of the bed to sit and she looks back at me.

“It’s time Jethro and don’t try sparing my feelings, just give me the truth. I have known for years that you and Javier had an agreement and it wasn’t a good one. He kept coming back for money and you gave it to him.” I didn’t know Lil was aware of any of it. “After your sister’s death you were an asshole to most people. I knew you were dealing with your emotions and that is not easy for you as a man or as the biker that you are. I gave you room to work through it without my bitchin’, but I wasn’t blind, deaf, and my sense of smell was right on. I knew damn it, and I allowed it to go on because I loved you. Every time I had a miscarriage it tore me down because I couldn’t give you a child and you tried to console me, but you were running the club. Your brothers and their families needed to be taken care of and I was always the last on that list of things to do, but I learned to live with it.” Lil cries silently as she says this and then she stiffens her back. “While you were gaining territory and chasing skirts, I was at home drowning in sorrow and pity, but I dealt with it. I became a stronger woman, one I thought you would be proud of, but I kept the books for the club and our personal accounts. Did you not ever think I would notice the amount of money that was going to Javier out of our personal account? Did you not ever think that the damn club whores would not rub it in my face?” Lil is waiting for a response.

“I’m sorry,” I start to go on, but I am interrupted.

“Shut up! Saying your sorry is a sign of weakness. Where did I get that, hmm, you that’s who? Every time you came in late for a dinner for just the two of us, every time you came in and smelled of some whore’s perfume, every time you missed an appointment for a fertility specialist, and every time you couldn’t come home when I was ovulating because of club business. I wanted a child of my own, I wanted to feel the miracle of a child growing inside me and then it was too late, the onset of early menopause, then the only thing you could say is it just wasn’t meant to be for us.” Lil wipes the tears away from her face. “Don’t you mean it was too late for me. You have a child and you are not even man enough to have her in your life and now everyone is going to know the kind of fool that I am.” I am shocked that Lil knows any of this.

“How did you find all this out?” Lil looks away from me and I grab her arm. Not in a forceful way but one that she knows to look at me.

“Your money isn’t the only money that paid off Javier.” Lil’s eyes have gone cold. I scoot to the edge of the bed with Lil and let go of her arm. I try to hug her close.

“Is there a day since we have been together that you have not known that I love you? I mean deep in your soul.” I look at Lil. “I have done wrong. I am saying I am sorry and begging for your forgiveness because I can’t live this life without you. I cheated on you with one woman. It was more than one time and I have no excuse for it except I was weak. I am not showing weakness for apologizing and saying I am sorry because it is well overdue. I wanted to come clean to you so many times, but I wasn’t man enough. I never cheated with any of the club girls, and I don’t know how any of them would know. I would never embarrass you if I could keep from it. I promise you all of this on my soul.”

“Jethro, your soul is not what you hold dear, it’s your club. It has always been your club.” My woman knows me well.

“I swear on my club, and every brother’s life in the club, please, believe me.” I wait for the answer only Lil can give.

“I don’t doubt what you are saying Jethro. It just hurts. I don’t regret one second of the time we have spent together but it is time for me to come first in your life, for us to come first. I love the Demented Revengers and you know I do, but I want our time that you have promised me since our wedding day. I know it will be hard for you to be away from the club, but isn’t that why you stepped down as the President?” Lil is right, and I want our time alone, but I have never dealt well with change that I did not give a lot of thought to.

“I want us to write the next chapter of our lives together but if you can’t give this to me, I will do it alone. I have done without while you gave to others. I have needed you and you have been busy with club business and it has festered inside me. It’s like a growing fungus taking over my insides and I won’t become the bitter woman that dies with so many regrets.” Lil stops and looks down and then back at me and I know whatever she is about to say is going to be damn important for both of us. “I know you need to see this situation closed. I can wait that long, but I will not wait again after that. I want our time to reconnect or go our separate ways. It is important to me and I am standing my ground. I am not giving you an ultimatum, but I am giving us a chance to have an adventure of our lives one more time, and then we can come back to our loved ones, but with you or alone, I am going.” I look closely at Lil and I know she is serious. I love this woman. I gave her my heart a long time ago and I won’t take it back, ever.

“Do you want the details and names?” I know Lil is waiting for my answer.

“I don’t need them, it won’t change anything, it won’t help anything, not my pain or my healing. I know you are going to need to tell the brothers, but I am holding my head high, because I have done not a damn thing wrong.” Lil stops talking, and I know she is waiting.

“Plan our adventure, Lil. When this thing is done, I am yours and only yours. I won’t let this destroy us.” I kiss the side of Lil’s head and bring her close in my arms. She relaxes and comes to me.

“I love you, Jethro.” Lil gives me, and I shut my eyes knowing how hard this is for her.

“To the moon and back, Lil, always.” I need this woman like I need my next breath of air. I am lost in my thoughts of just how lucky I am when the knocking begins on our door.

“Go take care of this Jethro and come back to me. Tonight, I need my man to show me how much he loves me.” That sounds like the best plan I have heard in a while. I get off the bed and walk to the door and open it. Shine is standing there with a grim look on his face.

“It’s time to talk.” I shake my head at him and then go back and give Lil a kiss.

“I’ll be back.” I tell Lil, and then I walk to the closet and get the stack of papers that I put together this afternoon. I shut the door and then walk back. Shine is kissing Lil on the top of the head. Shine and Lil are close, and I hope they will stay that way. I don’t want to lose my family, any of it. I open the door and walk out, and Shine is right behind me.